| May 5, 1999 | |
      
Scribblings: "Barnes and Noble" I love to browse among the towers of shelves words piling up and sideways-- expand forward and backward through time in one single step.
Poking through Self-Help,
I pass through Fiction, crouching |
 You would think
that I would be jumping up and down because of my news.
We got the apartment. That's definite. But my anxious
mind is always thinking, "What if I can't make the payments?"
"What if J. can't make the payments?" "What if Andrea is
unhappy?" and the ever popular, "How the hell am I going
to get all of my stuff to the apartment??" Typical, I
guess, so I shouldn't get my panties all in a bunch.Speaking of panties, I scraped the bottom of the barrel by going to Wal-Mart to charge underware so I can last until Saturday where I'll go home and do laundry. Figured I'd get cotton thongs anyway since I'll be spending Thursday and Friday nights with J. I feel like the epitome of starving artist and poor college student. It was so nice to have some time to myself today! I think I spoke to most everyone I know outside my local calling range today. I had to let them know about the apartment. I guess I have this urge to tell (hence this journal), for my own hearing and for others to react. Everyone craves a reaction to their lives. So besides going to Wal-Mart and charging my panties and "the healing garden" Ginger Therapy lotion and body spray (I'm weak, so weak), I went to Barnes and Noble to use my gift certificate. I needed to buy the reissued book, "Questions about Angels" by Billy Collins. I bought it and got $11.40 back, with which I bought some Starbuck's hair-on-your-tongue coffee. Sitting in the little cafe in the store, I looked through the book and wrote a rough poem about the love of browsing among books. There was a man in the Starbuck's portion of Barnes and Noble who had 2 daughters with him, who were begging him to buy some chocolate cookie or something. He kept saying, "No," but then eventually looked over to see what they were asking for, and gave in. When I am a parent, I'll investigate before I say Yes or No to my kids. The man was putting cream and sugar into his coffee and we both stood at the counter acting the ritual of coffee testing and sugaring. Exchanging some words on the overbearing strength of the coffee, I imagined he was thinking I was attractive in a young, verile way... my hair curled from the humidity. Why I fantasize about strangers flirting with me is beyond me, but I know I've always done it. I'm speaking at the English spring gathering tomorrow at school. I haven't even thought about what I'll say.
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