Emotional
"I got the news today that I didn’t want to hear, but I knew that it would come…"
That line is stolen from Don Henley’s song "Heart of the Matter" and it totally expresses what I feel.
Michael informed me today that he’s getting married in October. I cried and cried. And I know that’s really stupid, but I feel as if that means that he’ll be gone from my life forever and I don’t know what I’ll do without him.
I may be wrong, he may still want to keep the friendship alive, but I’m too scared of the answer to ask him outright.
Now, lest anyone get the wrong impression, I’ve NEVER expected this to be a real relationship that would move into romance, but I have hoped that he would at least care enough about me that he’d want to maintain the correspondence.
I don’t know where he is with this.
And the evil me is wishing all manner of ill on the woman. I don’t know her, but I know I don’t like her. How pathetic is that? I keep hoping a bus’ll hit her.
She is at least twenty years younger than he is, and I keep hoping that this just won’t work out at all. She’ll realize he’s too old for her, she’ll meet someone else….ANYTHING to just put an end to this.
I know it’s stupid, I know it’s not fair, I know it’s immature.
I also know that I hurt.
She works in the same field as Michael, so I guess this was inevitable, but it doesn’t make it any easier for me to handle.
I wish I was brave enough to just come right out and ask him if we’re still friends, but I don’t think I can do that. At least not in a straight out fashion. I might be able to beat around the bush about it, and get it in if I’m flippant.
I’m so afraid of the answer.
I don’t know what I’ll do if he leaves my life. He’s like a lifeline to a world that I envy and long for, but he’s also an ego boost for me. Afterall, I’ve managed to keep him interested and to keep this correspondence going for almost three years.
When he left AOL, he was the one who wrote a lengthy e-mail telling me that he wanted to keep writing.
Here’s an excerpt:
" I'm down on AOL right now, and down on the trivial relationships I've formed here. WHICH DOESN'T MEAN YOU!!!! I'm just leery of logging on. AOL has been an adjunct of depression for me, far too often....I turn to it when I'm down. Which makes me even more unwilling to get back there. But I want to keep talking. Can we exchange mail for a while, or possibly make a date to meet there, with me using a different name?"
So he kept it going, and so have I. I love him as a friend and I value everything about him and the way he thinks, the things he does, the way he makes me feel.
I don’t want a life that doesn’t have him in it.
I know this is very dramatic, but I feel as if my heart is breaking.
Listening to: New York Songs
Reading: Eclipse Bay
Weather: 80, partly sunny, humid
Trivia: The word four has four letters. In the English language there is no other number whose number of letters is equal to its value.
Cool word: ALGEBRA (pronounce it "AL-jeh-bruh").
Children who are newly "free for the summer" may be surprised to note that, no matter how far over the hill they consider their school's faculty members to be, this word reaches so far back into antiquity that by comparison, they and their teachers are contemporaries. It comes from the ancient Arabic jabara, "to reunite." A form of this verb became part of the phrase al jebr_ "the reuniting of broken parts" (from al, "the," and jebr, reuniting what was broken"). This was actually medical terminology; it described the way healers rejoined and set bones that had been broken into two or more pieces. This expression was also used in Arabic as part of the mathematically oriented phrase, 'ilm al-jebr wa'l muq-abalah_ "the science of reuniting and equating" or "reduction and comparison by equations." One Mohammed Ben Musa utilized Aljebr, the kernel of the phrase, as the title of a discourse; famous in the ninth century, it was about solving what are now known as "algebraic equations." By the way, that was when Arabic numerals replaced Roman numerals, and simplified calculations immeasurably. From Arabic, "algebra" proceeded into Latin, Italian, and Spanish, and thence into English – in which it now has only a mathematical meaning, not an osteopathic one. Nevertheless, until they come to understand the uses and the beauty – and the fun! – of algebra, young students may think the term "fractured" is an absolutely apt appellative for this system.
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Horoscope
Aries
Too many demands on your time could cause you a touch of anger, but simmer down, tomorrow is not that far away. Your co-workers could be out of sorts so it will fall to you to de-fuse any situation that arises. Loved ones keep their distance today but you soon overcome that. Dealing with the public or other people in general could prove rather trying, there are hostile situations to overcome and it can prove hard to control your frustration and temper. You are very much into defending your rights and privileges and may not have a sense of proportion about what is appropriate, a graduated response is better than an all-out declaration of war. Money comes from surprise source. Be grateful but not obsequious. Hold back on making final decision; deception involved. Pisces, Virgo persons play roles. This could end up being one of the more difficult days that you'll have to deal with this month. And it could be time to pay the bill if you've been enjoying yourself a bit over the past couple of days. You might be feeling a little too uptight or defensive where money is concerned, and if someone expects you to buy them something to demonstrate how you feel, this could lead to some friction.