Manic?
I keep wondering if I'm in a manic state. I don't know if it's possible to recognize it in oneself, but I think I may be experiencing it. I am running from place to place, making sure my mom is OK, and then coming home to work or clean. I think I'm afraid to stop for fear I'll think.
I still haven't slept through a night. The last time I did will be two weeks ago tomorrow. (Lousy grammar there.) Even when I resort to drugs, I don’t sleep. Last night I took two Tylenol PM and two Benadryl. I was wide-awake at 2. Normally the Benadryl puts me out within three minutes. Apparently not so anymore. I am getting a little freaked out about this. I don’t know how to get to that point where I can truly sleep. I don’t think it’s insomnia, it’s more like not being able to shut down.
I haven't cried in several days, but I push all thoughts out of my mind so I can avoid that. I think I spent so much time crying the day of the accident and the day of his death that I just can't allow it anymore. I cried some at the funeral, and when certain important friends have made small gestures of condolence, but that's all. I took my mother to the cemetery yesterday and planted flowers at my father’s and her mother's grave, but even then I was dry-eyed.
Shouldn't I have wept? When I was at my father's I kept thinking that it was still just my most loved uncles who were buried there, not my dad.
How much denial is that?
I don't know what is going on with me, but I feel as if I somehow need to get out of this state and crash.
I just don't know how to do it.
Listening to: a new learning tape for the chorus
Reading: Acts of Love Judith Michael
Weather: 58, partly cloudy
Trivia: How large can a polyphemus moth grow?
The egg of a polyphemus moth (Antheraea polyphemus) is the size of a sesame seed, and the caterpillar that emerges from it is even smaller. But it is a very hungry caterpillar, and it immediately sets to work. Over the next 56 days, the tiny eater consumes its own weight in leaves over and over again, growing to 86,000 times its initial weight. If a seven-pound human baby were to grow that much, it would weigh about 300 tons. After spending the winter in a cocoon, the adult insect emerges: a huge, brown and white moth with two striking eyespots. It is one of the world's largest moths, with wings spanning almost six inches (15 cm).
Cool word: hoi polloi [n. pl HOY puh-LOY]
If you find yourself lumped in with the hoi polloi it's likely not a compliment. The expression is most often used as a term of contempt describing the common people, the rabble. Example: "The rich ate caviar and drank champagne but it was bread and water for us hoi polloi." Taken from Greek, hoi polloi entered the English language in the early 19th century. Hoi polloi literally translates to "the many." Near synonyms include the masses, the mob, the general public, and the commoners. In contemporary usage you will often see the phrase "the hoi polloi." Since hoi already means "the" this is redundant, effectively saying "the the many." At least if someone tries to put you down by saying you're part of the hoi polloi you can come back with a recommendation that they stop repeating themselves.
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