The warm sunlight awakens me from a deep slumber. Stretching out, I relish feeling the sunlight bathing my body. The beauty of the morning sun offers me a glimmer of hope and optimism.

Right now, I needed something to hold on to. I was diving back into the old dark hole, and there was no turning back. I just wish that this day didn't come. I was not ready to deal with all the old emotions and fears.

I was afraid of everything. Today could be the day where everything might change. There was so much uncertainty lying ahead of me, and now, I was forced to confront of those fears today. The unknown was going to make itself known.

The answers to some of my questions were going to be answered, and I feared not knowing than knowing. At least I would know what to expect and figure out how I would survive. I just had to get through today.

Dread. That is what I have been feeling since last night. Rick had informed me last night that Danny would have to be informed about the procedure today. I had begged and cajoled him not to call Danny, but he refused. Rick kept his ground and said that legally and ethically he had to inform Danny because he was my next to kin.

In name only, I think to myself. In name only.

I was not Mrs. Danny Santos in the way that it really mattered. I had lost my right to Danny. He didn't need my brother calling him to tell him that he needed his consent for a medical procedure. Why in the world would Danny ever believe him? Rick had lied to him once about the possibility of that I was going blind. Danny would probably just laugh in his face.

There was no avoiding the fact that Danny would have to become aware of my condition. It was only a matter when. Rick had managed to perform tests on me that didn't need a next of kin consent. So, I know that Rick would have never ordered this test, if he didn't have to.

I should be glad that Danny knows about my condition. He would just have to sign this consent form and leave. He could cut all emotional and legal ties to me. I had insisted that Danny could relinquish his rights to me, and give all power to my doctor and Rick. It was not fair for me to expect Danny to take care of me anymore.

One signature would give Danny his freedom back. He would not be binded to me anymore. Once the procedure happened, and the doctors released me, I would contact Father Tomas. I am sure that Danny was preparing some legal papers to be drawn up on our marriage. That would be my final act as Danny's wife; to give him his total freedom. I would break all my ties to Danny forever.

It was the only thing left for me to do. It was the only option. I had push away of my feelings and do something for Danny's sake. He had always put my needs first, and now, it was time for me to do the same.

Just one signature would erase any trace of my marriage.

It would break all ties to my husband, and allow him to move on.

And forget about me. He could be happy.

I would be miserable, but the thought of Danny have another chance at happiness comforted me a bit. Even if it was not going to be me, at least he could find some happiness in one way or another.


*I mustn't fall apart
Or show my broken heart
Or the love I feel for you

So walk away
And close the door
And let my life be as it was before
And I'll never never know
Just how I let you go
But there's nothing left to say
Just walk away –
Celine Dion, “Just Walk Away”*

I just knew that the call was not going to be good. Yet, nothing could have prepared me for this. That cool professional tone that greeted me sent shivers down my back. Dr. Lowe was brief, he had said that I was needed at the hospital immediately concerning Michelle.

Michelle. It struck me that he didn’t use the word husband. A wave of sadness seemed to wash over me for a brief moment but then the anger and the bitterness stamped out any sadness.

For twenty minutes, I had just stayed in the chair, unable to move. The idea of seeing Michelle again was just too painful. I was angry that I still had to be involved in her life. She had never been willing to be involved in my life. If there had been a way out, Michelle would have found one.

Then why should people expect me to always come running back to Michelle? I had every right to stay away from her. She had hurt me so bad, and used my feelings against me. What if she was doing that now? I was not going to be played like a fool again.

Why the hell are you going? Why are you so willing be to sucked back into her life? I think to myself. Maybe I was a sucker for being hurt by her. I was glutton for punishment. I had no idea what the hell to think anymore.

I was mad, bitter and hurt. I knew that for sure. Still, there was a part of me that would always run back to Michelle if she was in trouble.

My feelings for her were just too strong for me to break. It seemed that Michelle Bauer would never leave my heart. I hated myself for that. I hated that I still could be so manipulated by her. I had no self-control when it came to Michelle. And that scared the hell out of me.

I was not supposed to be reckless. I had always been taught to stay in control, and never let my guard down. Now, that was laughable. My dear wife had turned my life upside down, and even after she tried to turn me into the FBI, I still feel myself being pulled back to her. Never away.

It is always about Michelle. Never about me.

Always Michelle and her needs.

Now, my sanity depended on the fact that I could break any ties to her. I just hoped this little call would help in that endeavor. I shouldn’t be doing this.

I shouldn’t be here. This was not my concern anymore, I think to myself as I walk into the elevator, and ride up to the sixth floor.

I had no duty to Michelle. She was not my wife, not in the real sense of the word. She had betrayed me. She didn’t deserve a second thought. I shouldn’t waste my energy thinking about her. It was not going to do any good.

“Danny Santos?”

My head snaps up at the sound of a soft voice calling my name. Walking over to the small desk, I begin to feel uncomfortable. Hospitals had always gave me an eerie feeling.

“Yes, I am Danny Santos.”

The woman gives me a small smile, pointing to a chair, she says, “Dr. Lowe will be with you in a moment. He is just finishing up with another patient.”

Nodding, I sit down in one of the chairs, and wait. Picking up a magazine, I restlessly flip through it, unable to focus on the articles. Frustrated, I put the magazine down, and stare at the painting on the opposite side of the room.

What the hell was I doing here?

I am always a fool.

Damn her.

Damn her for trying to mess up my life again.

I had just gotten free of her.

Now, here I was, back at her beck and call. I had gone against my own word. I had promised myself that I would not let myself be manipulated by her again.

Eyeing the door, my patience slowly fades away. I should just walk out this door. Jumping up from the chair, I begin to pace back and forth. Just as I am about to go to the door, a voice stops me.

“Danny.”

Turning on my heel, I see a man in a shirt and tie standing near the desk. Well, looks like Dr. Lowe finally decided to come out.

“Please come with me.”

Hesitantly, I follow Dr. Lowe into his office. Glancing around, a small smile touches my lips when I notice the piles of paper stacked against the filing cabinet. Sitting down in one of the chairs, I nervously shift my body.

“I appreciate you coming, Danny. I know that you are very busy, so I will make this short.”

“You said that this concerns Michelle.” I say, trying to contain the underlying bitterness in my voice.

Dr. Lowe nods, picking up a file, he slowly begins to flip through the contents. “Yes, this is about Michelle. As you know, Michelle had suffered a concussion the other night. As a precautionary measure, her brother, Dr. Bauer, had run some tests.”

“Dr. Lowe, Michelle has a concussion, so I don’t understand why I am here. Surely, you didn’t drag me down here for this. I am sure that Rick is in control of everything.” I say, annoyed.

“I am afraid, Danny, that things are not as simple as that.”

“What the hell do you mean?” I ask tightly.

“The test results show that Michelle had hit one of the nerves that helps with sight. We didn’t think that just a bump on the head could do that, but Michelle began to show signs of bruising around her temples, which means that in the fall, she had must have hit that area.”

“I don’t understand, what you are trying to say, Dr. Lowe.”

“About a day after she was admitted, Michelle began to complain of migraines. Soon, the headaches became more and more frequent, and we had put her on some strong pain medication. Then one day, a nurse came in, and Michelle thought that she was Rick. Her vision was all blurry, and she complained of pain in her eyes.”

Oh, dear god. This is all a lie, a voice says. She is just using you again. “So, you expect me to believe that by one bump on the head, that Michelle is having problems with her sight. I have to hand it to Rick, this is original, and you almost had me fooled.” I say sharply.

“Excuse me?” Dr. Lowe asks in disbelief. “Young man, do you think that I am lying to you?”

“That is exactly what I think.” I spit. “I have been lied to once about this, so let’s just say that I am not really trusting of any of this.”

Dr. Lowe gives me a disgusted look. Picking up a piece of paper, he pushes it over to the edge of the desk. “Well, since you obviously don’t care, then I am sure that you will have no problem signing this form. This form would relinquish any rights that you have to Michelle, and allow her brother to be the next of kin. Then my boy, you can go on with your life, and not have to give Michelle a second thought. I can go on thinking that the whole world is lying to you, but I would much rather have you do it from afar. Michelle doesn’t need to know about your reaction. I assure, Mr. Santos, that I will never interrupt your life again.”

How the hell did Dr. Lowe think he was?

He knew nothing about my marriage to Michelle.

I had every right not to believe this. I had believed her once, and it was all a lie. These x-rays and tests results were a nice touch though. Rick had really outdone himself this time.

Picking up the pen, I scribble on name on the bottom of the paper. Standing up, I shoot a deadly glare at Dr. Lowe. “Dr. Lowe, there a lot of things that you don’t know about. I hope to god that Michelle is not playing you all for fools, but it wouldn’t be the first time. When I walk out the door, I will not look back. Michelle has not been my responsibility for a long time, and I am not going to sit around here, and have you lecture me. We both have want we wanted. Still, this does not mean that I have to believe anything that you have said to me. It is going to take a whole hell of a lot more than this.” I retort coldly.

As I walk down the hallway, my legs start to feel so heavy. Sagging against a wall, I can’t help but to eavesdropping on a conversation happening around the corner.

“I just saw Michelle Bauer, and she looks horrible. Poor girl.”

“I still can’t believe that she might be losing her sight again. I am sure that her brother must be worried sick.”

“I know, she is such a sweet girl. I just feel so sad for her. She is going through this all by herself, and it is really killing her. She always puts on a happy face, but I will walk by her room, she is always crying or just staring at the wall.”

“Well, I will go by, and say hi. Maybe I can convince her to talk to a counselor. I just wish that there is something more than we can do..”

“Just pray. We have to believe that God will help her.”

Sighing, I run my hands across my face, trying to ease my confused mind. I had no idea what to think anymore. I couldn’t ignore the mistrust in my heart, and yet, there was a part of me, that felt this news had a grain of truth in it.

There were no answers. Nothing made any sense. No matter how much I tried, I couldn’t allow myself to put aside all those hurt feelings. I had to come to grips with it first.

I knew that visiting Michelle was out of the question. I couldn’t do that to myself. I couldn’t go to her when I still had so much anger towards her. It was not right. Right now, anger was the only emotion that I had been feeling. Being angry with her was not going to do any good; it would only make matters worse.

Mostly, I needed to walk away. I need to sort things out and come to grips with this whole situation. I need some peace of mind. My life had been ripped apart at the seams, and now, it was time to rebuild it. And I couldn’t do that with Michelle in my life.

I needed to have a life without her in it. Having Michelle around would only complicate things, and my life was complicated enough.

I had to get my back freedom back. It was time to stand on my own. It was time to take my life back.

It was time to move on. It was time to accept the facts.

Michelle had done too much to me, she had the power to make my life so unrecognizable and so chaotic.

I couldn’t see her. I had to walk away with some sense of myself.

I had to walk away.

You treat me wrong
You treat me right
You let me be
You make me fight with you
I could never live without you

You make me high
You bring me down
You set me free
You hold me bound to you
I hate you
Then I love you
---Celine Dion, “I Hate You Then I Love You”



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