This is what you wanted, Michelle. This was your idea.
That thought does not comfort me. It is really over. Danny is gone from my life, and I let him slip away. I can feel the stinging tears in the back of my eyes, but my body is too tired of crying. The tears just will not come out.
I have just become so accustomed to the pain now. I can't even distinguish the pain in my heart from my head. They all seem to blend together.
Shaking my head, I try to will away my sadness. I needed to focus on something more positive before the nurses came back and took me to the procedure. I try to grasp onto some hope, some peace of mind, but nothing comes. It was no use.
There was no hope left in me.
The only thing left was a tidewave of emotions. I could feel myself being pulled into the deep hole. It was so easy to go there and feel nothing, than to conjure up some tangible feeling.
Scream, yell, cry. I wish that I could just release all these emotions inside of me. I wish that I could rid myself of this intense rage directed towards everyone. I was bitter at everything wondering why God had to punish me.
Why?
Why did I have to experience these horrible feelings again?
Why?
As the door opens, a nurse comes into my room with a wheelchair, my stomach tightens. Without looking at the nurse, I hand her the forms and tell her that Dr. Lowe is expecting them back.
Slowly, I begin to make my way down the hall, and without glancing back, tears start to spill on my cheeks. Those forms represented the past, and now, I was leaving it behind.
The past was now in the past. I was looking forward to an uncertain future, and another painful journey.
Faith. Hope.
I never needed those more than I do now.
I had to have faith to make it.
Faith.
I was going to make it on my own.
Faith.