Glancing around the hall, I nervously eye the door. My will power was dwindling fast. I had been mentally preparing myself for this for the past week. I should be okay. I should be ready.
But I am not. I am just a bundle of nerves. I had no idea what to expect anymore. Only one thing was for certain; it was the right thing to do. This was the only way.
You have to do this for yourself.
The regret was hard enough to swallow. The pain had only made it worse. I could not let my regrets weigh me down especially now. Regret seems to devalue my past and my future. I needed to have some hope for the future.
The future held so many possibilities. It was a chance to make things right, to grow, and to rebuild my life. I was not going to let my stupid mistakes jeopardize my future.
I needed to believe that my life was still going to be vibrant and filled with promise. An assurance that in the end, my life still had meaning.
That I could still look at my life and find some value to it.
“Michelle?”
The soft lilting voice snaps me out of my thoughts. I look up to see a elderly woman standing in front of me, her kind face puts me at ease.
“Yes, I am Michelle.”
The smile widens a bit. “Please follow me, they are waiting for you.”
Nervously, I follow the woman down the hall and mustering up any residual strengthen. Letting out a shaky breath, we finally reach our desintation. I stare at wood door for a couple of minutes, unable to move.
My companion notices my nervousness, and gently pushes the door open, and leads me inside the office. I flash her a grateful smile, and sit down in one of the chairs. She walks over to a table and pours two cups of coffee, and quietly slips out of the room, leaving me with the person sitting behind the large maghonay desk.
“Michelle, thank you for coming.”
A lump forms in my throat. Only if you knew the truth, I think to myself. “I appreciate you seeing me on such short notice.” I say hesitantly
“Michelle, I know that this is hard for you, and I admire you for coming.”
I thought that I had no more strength left.
“I understand that this is a tough time for you. Still, after talking to you, I am assured that you have thought this through, and understand the implications. Michelle, I need to know that you are ready to take this step. If you are unsure, then I can’t allow you to go through with this.”
Courage don’t fail me now.
“You don’t know how much your concern means to me, but yes, I am sure about this. I need to do this. I have to do it.” I insist, trying valiantly from keeping the tears at bay.
“Michelle, you don’t have to do anything. Nobody is forcing you to take this step.”
“I know,” I whisper, “This is a step that I need to take, my future is on hold.”
“Alright, Michelle. I just needed to make sure. There are a few things that we need to discuss before we can proceed.”
“I am ready to proceed.” I say slowly. “This is my future that I am deciding after all.”
Sometimes I feel like I am walking a plank. At the end of the plank, I have to choose whether to dive deep in never ending ocean or to stay on familiar ground.
It was time to dive into that ocean.
I was going to swim.
There would be no regret, no guilt, no shame in my journey. I was finally going to be free of those burdens. They were not going to weigh me down. Not anymore.
I was going to reach land. I was going to make it all by myself.
Recently, my mind had been so focused on the past, and this need to look back on everything. I wanted to come to terms with the person that I had been, and the person that I can never be again. Too much had happened. I had to let all the bitterness, the anger, and the sadness go. I needed to be free of those chains.
Also, I needed to have some closure. A chance to let people know how much they have meant to me. I couldn’t bear letting them slip away from me before I had the chance to put things right. Jesse. I had put him through some much. I had hurt him so much, and it still hurts to know that I was the reason for all that pain.
“Michelle.”
I glance up to see Jesse standing in the door. “Jesse, thanks for coming by. I wanted to talk to you.”
Slowly, Jesse walks over to my bed, and stands awkwardly at the foot of the bed. “I’m a little surprised that you called, Michelle.”
Embarrassment fills my body. “I was not sure whether I should call or not, because I don’t blame you if you had laughed in my face.” I respond.
“I am glad that you did. We can’t put this off forever.”
“No, we can’t, Jesse. I just wanted to tell you that I am sorry for everything that happened. I didn’t mean to hurt you, and I really wish that there could have been another way, but there was not.”
“Michelle, I don’t hate you.”
“Jesse, I want to explain..”
Jesse holds up his hand to stop the flow of words coming out of my mouth. “I know why you married Danny, Michelle. I know the truth now, and I forgive you.”
“I forgive you.”
The right words, I think to myself, but coming from the wrong person.
Tears start to fill my eyes. “Thank you, Jesse.” I say softly.
Jesse’s hand covers my chin, and I feel my head being lifted. Then, our eyes met in understanding. “I want to beat this, Michelle. I know that you can do it. I did it once before, and you can do it again.” He says confidently.
“I was lucky once, Jesse, but I am not so sure this time. I think that my luck has run out.” I sob
“Michelle, don’t say that. You have always been the strongest person that I have known, and you have so much to live for. You are the one who always told me never to give up.”
“I am trying not to, Jesse, but it is so hard” I whisper
Jesse reaches for my hand, and gently places it on his heart. “Have faith, Michelle. This is your mother’s heart inside of me, and it beats with her love and strengthen. I want you to remember this. You can’t give up, Michelle.”
Tears start to fill my eyes, and my hand tingles from the feel of my mom’s heart. It is like her strengthen is being enfused into my body. My throat closes from the intense emotion.
“I want to know that you will not be alone through this, Michelle. You always are trying to protect people but you can’t shelter them forever. You need Danny. He should be here, Michelle.”
I meekly shake my head no.
“Why not, Michelle? He is your husband.”
“I have hurt him so much, Jesse. I can’t expect him to just forget that and rush back to me. I have already lied to him once about going blind, so why should he believe me now? I am doing the only right thing. Danny does not need to be attached to me, I couldn’t bear putting him through all this pain and agony. He deserves some happiness, and I can’t give that to him.” I say with more determination that I feel.
“You don’t know that, Michelle. I want you to be happy, and I think that Danny can make you happy. Forgiveness can only come from inside, Michelle. It is time to forgive yourself.”