You keep building on the lie
That you make up for all you lack
It don’t make no difference, escaping one last time
It’s easier to believe in this sweet madness
This glorious sadness that brings me to my knees
----Sarah McLachlan, “Angel”

Forgiveness. Jesse said that I had to forgive myself. The thought befuddled me. I had no idea how to forgive myself. It just didn’t seem possible.

Jesse was wrong. I didn’t need Danny. I was fine on my own. Danny was my past. I didn’t need him. All I needed was to forget about him.

By admitting that I needed Danny would be giving into my weakness. I was not going to destroy my life to let Danny back in. Plus, he would not want anything to do with me. My betrayal had severed any hope of having him in my life.

There would be sadness in my life anymore. I had cried my last tears over Danny. I was not about to allow myself to feel that crippling sadness again. It almost broke me once.

It was not going to break me again. Not again.

There would be no tears reserved for Danny.

I had moved on. I had to focus on getting better. My energy was better spent on fighting this illness than lamenting about my failed marriage.

Now, I needed all those good thoughts. The journey was only going to get tougher and more emotional. Rick had confirmed my worst fears after Jesse had left the other day. The pressure on my optical nerve had not lessened. The swelling was spreading.

I should be used to the bad news by now. It still shouldn’t hurt so much. The pain only seems to intensify and chip away at my heart.

Why didn’t the pain just leave me alone? Why did it have to take up permanent residence in my heart?

I shouldn’t be here in Chicago, sitting in this room all by myself. I didn’t belong here. I was envious of everyone who walked by on the sidewalk. They were free. I was stuck here in this place to find out when I was going blind.

It was not a matter of if but when.

There was no use of wondering what things could have been like. I couldn’t change anything now. I was resigned to the fact that putting off the inevitable was only to make everything harder when it came.

Just wish that when would bid its time alittle more.

Shifting my body in the wicker swing, I am grateful for being able to watch the sunset. Ever since, I had arrived here in Chicago, my life had become about enjoying the simple things. I had never known the beauty inside of the simplest words, actions or sights.

The warm glow of the fading sunlight feels good against my body. My body always seems to be cold. I just feel so broken, like half of my body is working and the other has given up.

Every morning when I wake up, my body has already decided whether it would be a good day or not. Today was a good day. I had become accustomed to the feelings attached to each of the days. I could immedialtey sense whether I was going to have a good day or bad.

Even the bad were not too horrible. I was pretty lucky. I know that. Still, there are some things that I have not gotten used to. I have learned to adjust my life to make the pain and the hurt easier to bear. It was about acceptance, but mostly to make the best out of a bad situation.

There was no time of idleness. I still had plenty of life to live. It was a constant battle not to pity myself and to be grateful for the things that I did have, but then I was constantly reminded of the novelties that I could not enjoy.

The smallest activities were becoming the most challenging and difficult to enjoy. I could bearly sit through a sitcom without my eyes stinging from the bright colors and lights. My eyes were extra sensitive to the smallest movements, and certain colors.

Movies. I used to love watching movies, but now, I was lucky to get through half of one. The action movies are the worst. It is all running, objects racing past each other, and my head always felt like it was spinning. My eyes would always ache after I would try to watch one.

Even the romantic comedies would become unwatchable. Half the time, my eyes could not even focus on the movie. Staring at one image or thing was becoming a big orderal. It drove me crazy.

Anytime that I went on a date, I would have to make sure that we weren’t going to the movies. That would really limit the things to do. My social life would become non-existence. I might not be able to enjoy all the pastimes that all my friends were.

My eyes cringe at the sight of bright pink. Most of my wardrobe had been pink. Rick had once joked that my clothes looked like they were dipped in Pepto Bismo.

I had to buy new clothes, mostly of softer colors. It was heartbreaking not being able to enjoy certain outdoor activities because my eyes couldn’t withstand the bright light.

There were nights when I could not even enjoy watching the sunset. I was so frustrated that I couldn’t even watch the sunset because of my eyes.

So, that is why, on my good days, I make sure to do everything, so I can appreciate it and help boost my spirits. My mood is always happier on those good days, and those are the days, when I draw on my strengthen and courage.

If I didn’t have those days, I am not sure if I would be able to walk up in the morning and be able to face the bad days.

My battle was not over. It was just beginning.

This was one struggle that I was going to win.

I would come out on top this time. I would survive.

I will survive.