AJ's Handful
by Gail (gem225@hotmail.com)
JAG
AJ Chegwidden/Harmon Rabb
Rating: adult
Harm gets pregnant - or does he?
Disclaimer: I own none of these characters. This is humor, parody, an AU in which there is first no regulation against gays in the military, men can get pregnant, and there is no AIDS and therefore no need for safe sex, and is not to be taken seriously.
Please do not archive this story without asking me first. It's more than likely that I'll agree, but I want to know where my stories are.
Warnings: male pregnancy (or is there?), bad language, humor, parody, and AU. Also, guest stars, not all of whom are traditional good guys.
For Tinnean, an early birthday present, since she got all happy about this one. Thanks to Tinnean for her beta, and to Elizabeth for her beta of an unfinished version.
A list of guest stars and their fandoms can be found at the end of the story.
*****
Commander Harmon Rabb was a fine lawyer, but he was also a handful, AJ Chegwidden thought once again. He came up with the damnedest ideas at the damnedest times and didn't care what or who got pushed out of his way as long as he got his way. Well, not this time.
"Commander, I don't care what you've found out about Palmer, you're not haring off after him - "
"His clone, sir."
AJ sighed, glared at Rabb, and barked out his answer. "Or his clone or his twin or the alien who's taken his shape! You have duties here. If you have information about some problem with Palmer, get it to the people at Leavenworth and get back to work."
"But they won't listen to me. They think he's there - " Rabb clapped his hand to his mouth and turned pale. "'scuse me, sir," he mumbled and barrelled toward the men's room.
AJ smiled smugly. He shot live ammo, that was for sure. Rabb hadn't told him, but he knew - he'd gotten Rabb pregnant. Why else would Rabb want steak so rare it looked like it was going to moo for dinner, followed by anchovies and chocolate sauce at o-three-hundred five nights in a row?
Bud Roberts cleared his throat. "That's the, what, fourth time Rabb's needed to leave today?"
"Fifth, sir." Gunnery Sergeant Galindez had a smile on his face too. "The commander's been unwell for the last week."
"He shouldn't be here, not in his condition." Tiner frowned. "I told him to rest and take the vitamins I bought him."
"I'll order him home." Then AJ caught the gist of what Tiner had said and frowned too. "Why did you buy him vitamins?"
Tiner was blushing. "I felt that it was only reasonable, sir, since I'm," he swallowed, "the father of the commander's child."
Rabb and Tiner had slept together? AJ found that hard to believe - although there had been those couple of nights a few weeks back that Rabb had been working on a case and stayed late at JAG and insisted that AJ go home because he was too busy and AJ needed a good night's sleep and if he needed anything, Tiner was there.
Tiner had been there when Rabb needed him, all right.
"You, the father? Don't make me laugh."
What was Brumby talking about? He couldn't mean that he'd... oh, yes, from the way he was glaring at Tiner, he meant that he was another candidate for the father of Rabb's child.
Last thing AJ knew, Rabb and Brumby barely got along. He'd made them fight it out in Australia. Had they decided later that they'd rather fuck than fight?
He was going to have a long talk with Rabb tonight, and no matter what Rabb did, no matter how much he protested that he needed to be fucked, right away, no matter how hot his mouth was on AJ's cock, he was not getting out of giving him a complete list of partners.
"That's right." Roberts too? When the hell did Rabb find the time to work on cases? "I've got just as much reason to believe that it's mine."
"Oh, right," Brumby jeered. "Neither of you would have had a chance with him."
Roberts had his fists up, AJ saw with amazement, and Brumby had his up too. Tiner looked ready to jump in, and Galindez was smiling in a way that told AJ he was an involved party.
Rabb had a lot to answer for.
AJ opened his mouth to tell them to stop it, now, but before he could, someone else spoke.
"Admiral."
Of course Clayton Webb would have to walk in, with that look on his face that told AJ he was hiding his amusement at seeing JAG officers ready to start a brawl with each other.
"Gentlemen. Back to work."
He used his best command voice, but even so, it took too long for them to disperse, and, of course, Webb didn't move.
"Yes, Webb?"
"Rabb. Where is he? I checked his office."
"He's in the head, throwing up." Webb would find out about Rabb's pregnancy if he didn't already know - AJ suspected him of having bugs in the bullpen, but hadn't been able to prove it.
Webb's smile deepened. "That's too bad. I trust that you'll make sure he doesn't have too heavy a work load during his pregnancy."
Yes, Webb knew, and he'd bet that Webb had fucked Rabb too. The two of them had been doing a dance around each other ever since their first encounter.
"I take care of my own."
Webb's face hardened, and AJ smiled. So Webb hadn't known that he wasn't the only man Rabb had bent over for.
"Admiral Chegwidden, I need to speak to Commander Harmon Rabb, Junior."
What the hell? AJ turned to see a tall, dark-haired man with a big nose who had a smaller, red-haired woman with a professional but annoyed look on her face with him. Following them both were a taller, bald man who looked familiar to AJ - ah, it was FBI Assistant Director Skinner, with whom he'd served in 'Nam - and another dark-haired man, shorter than the other two and with intense green eyes who found shadows to lurk in that AJ knew weren't there. After a long look at him, AJ decided that he wouldn't want to have to fight the green-eyed man in a dark alley without sufficient notice and weapons.
"Mulder," the red-haired woman tugged on his sleeve, "there's no evidence that will stand up that this Clark Palmer has cloned himself."
"Scully, there's evidence enough for me. Is the Commander available?"
"Admiral."
"Assistant Director."
Skinner smiled briefly. "I would appreciate some of Commander Rabb's time."
"He's in the head. Throwing up."
The expression that passed across Skinner's face, and Mulder's, told AJ much more than he wanted to know.
It was beginning to look as if Rabb hadn't met a man he wasn't willing to sleep with. He looked at Miss Scully. No, she didn't have any kind of expression that led him to believe that she'd gone to bed with Rabb. That was something.
A lean red-haired man with an air of controlled intensity and hard-learned patience approached AJ. "I'm looking for Commander Rabb, please. It's a matter of some importance."
His cell phone went off, and with a word of apology he answered it. "Yes... I'll take the next plane back. Please ask Speedle to meet me." He shut off the phone. "Please give this to Commander Rabb, if you would."
"Yes." Why not?
"Thank you."
He handed AJ a card and left, and AJ read the card. Horatio Caine, C.S.I., Miami-Dade County, and AJ wondered what the hell a crime scene investigator in Miami wanted with Rabb... but he already knew. Rabb had gone to a Navy base in Florida on a case, and he must have met this Horatio Caine there.
Why had he ever let Rabb out of his sight?
"I'm looking for Commander Rabb." The dark-haired man with the rumpled suit and classically handsome face and confused air looked at AJ as though he'd found a lifeline. "Sir, could you help me find him? You look like the AJ he used to - " The man blushed. "Pardon me."
Another one. "I'm Admiral AJ Chegwidden. He'll be back soon, I'm sure."
"Thank you." The man stuck out his hand. "I'm Sam Seaborn."
"Mr. Seaborn." AJ and the man shook hands.
"I'll wait for him in his office." Seaborn looked around, and AJ sighed. He knew what was coming. "Where's his office?"
AJ pointed it out, and Seaborn beamed. "Thanks."
AJ smiled, then watched as Seaborn headed for Rabb's office. He wouldn't mind taking Mr. Seaborn to bed himself, so how could he blame Rabb for having done so? Maybe the baby would combine the best of both of them.
"Hey. Where's Rabb?"
AJ blinked. What had Webb done to himself? But Webb was right there, staring at this new person who looked remarkably like him, aside from the mustache, goatee, and leather jacket.
"I'm Detective Rick Frazier, Boston Police Department. Rabb helped me with a case a couple of months ago. Thought I'd stop in and see about taking him to lunch."
Yes, Rabb had been to a base in the Boston area recently. Was this another man who'd slept with him? Why not?
Rabb came back, striding with his usual assurance, and all the men's faces turned toward him.
"Rabb." "Commander." "Hey, Harm." The men all spoke at once, and Rabb looked from one to the other, blushed, and smiled.
AJ didn't want to see any more. "Rabb." He put all the bite into his voice that he could, and saw Rabb look at him with a certain satisfaction. "My office. Now. You gentleman will have to excuse us."
AJ started toward his office. He could feel Rabb walking behind him.
"Hey, you've got my face, but it doesn't look so good on you. You know how to smile?"
"I'm sure that I'd smile reading about any of your cases, Detective."
AJ smiled to himself as he heard Detective Frazier's jibe and Webb's retort.
"Mulder, Scully, you have work to do."
"This *is* work, sir - we're investigating the appearance of a cloned human - "
"Mulder. Now. Krycek, if he doesn't come along, make him."
"Happy to, Skinner."
AJ shut the door of his office behind him and shook his head. It seemed that Skinner had people who gave him grief too. He should take the time soon to buy him a drink and let him get it off his chest.
He went behind his desk and fixed his eyes on Rabb, who'd taken his usual spot in front of his desk.
"This *is* a place of work, not a social club."
"Yes, sir."
"Do you know why all these people have decided to come here today, Commander?"
"No, sir."
Really. But Rabb seemed sincere, from what he could tell. "They came to see you."
"With the Admiral's permission, I'll go deal with them so that they can leave."
"You don't have it! I need some answers from you first."
Rabb snapped to attention. "Yes, sir!"
"Why do you keep running off to the head?"
"I was ill, sir. Something I ate. I'm better now." He had color in his cheeks, and he was smiling. "Sorry if I worried you."
"Harm, the door's closed and locked. What the hell's going on with you?" Rabb looked away. "Are you pregnant?" He hadn't been going to ask now, but he had to know for sure.
"Sir?"
"Are you pregnant?" He was sure Rabb was, but he wanted to hear him say so out loud. With whose child, he'd find out later.
Rabb's color was gone, and his eyes were fixed on a spot beyond AJ's head. "Sir, I am not pregnant."
He'd been wrong, unless Rabb was lying to him. "Are you sure?"
"Yes, sir. I was tested yesterday."
"Then why all the cravings?"
Rabb shifted his feet. "Perhaps we should discuss this later, sir."
"No, Mr. Rabb, we'll discuss this now. Answer the question, and look at me."
Rabb's eyes didn't find his for a few moments, and when they did, they had uneasiness in them. Damned right he should be uneasy.
"I... didn't have any cravings, sir."
AJ said nothing and waited.
Rabb swallowed. "I wanted you to think I was pregnant."
"Why?"
"I thought..." He swallowed again. "I thought you were tired of me."
AJ didn't get the connection, but at that point, it didn't matter. "I wasn't. I'm not."
Rabb swallowed yet again. "I guess I screwed up.
The wryness and pain in Rabb's voice were enough to make him want to take him home and to bed and hold him until he felt better, but it wasn't possible until later. They both had work to do.
"I wouldn't say that," AJ said as gently as he could. "Get rid of those men," he thought about asking which ones Rabb had slept with, but decided that was a conversation better had at home, "and get back to work. And no more pretending, please." Maybe he'd read too much into all the men coming to JAG on the same day. Maybe it was a vast coincidence. And maybe Rabb would obey orders and refrain from a wild goose chase after Palmer's 'clone'.
"Got it." Rabb smiled. "I'll be good."
"But tonight? You're getting spanked." Then fucked until Rabb begged him to let him come, but that could be a surprise for Rabb.
Rabb blushed, but still smiled. "If you say so, AJ."
AJ smiled back. Yes, he did say so, and that was how it was going to stay.
The End
Posted 12/30/03
List of guest stars and their fandoms: Fox Mulder, Dana Scully, Walter Skinner, and Alex Krycek (the X-Files), Horatio Caine (CSI: Miami), Sam Seaborn (the West Wing), and Detective Rick Frazier (Crossing Jordan).
