Never Looked As Lost As This
by Gail (gem225@hotmail.com)
JAG
Clayton Webb/Sarah MacKenzie (sort of)
Rating: none
Clayton Webb faces up to the illusion he created for himself.
Disclaimer: None of the characters portrayed herein belong to me, I do this for fun and not money, and I mean no insult or disrespect.
Please do not archive this story without asking me first. It's more than likely that I'll agree, but I want to know where my stories are.
Warnings: I feel as though I should warn for not-slash. *g*
Spoilers for "Take It Like A Man" and previous Webb episodes.
Written for musesfool's two lines challenge
My lines:
You never looked as lost as this
Sometimes it doesn't even look like you
"A Night Like This" - The CureThanks to Seema and Tinnean for betaing.
*****
I splash cold water on my face, towel it dry, then look at myself in the bathroom mirror. Fine, although a little tired, but nothing a good night's sleep won't cure. Then I look into my eyes, really look. My god, I look like hell: sad, lonely, nothing like myself. Did Sarah see this when she looked at me earlier tonight? She didn't say anything if she did.
This isn't me. I'm a confident, competent man. I've had my bad times - hiding on the Kamiko Maru with a wound in my leg, a hidden superconductor, and someone who turned out to be Palmer after me, months of exile and make-work in Paraguay, the torture Sadik put me through and the threat of him torturing Sarah - but I'm over all of them now. The hand tremor has passed, the scars healed, the nightmares gone. I have my position at the Company back, and I have Sarah. I'm a lucky man.
But the mirror doesn't lie. I can trust it. Everyone else lies, though. I know that. People at the Company lie, people at JAG lie, my friends, my mother, my lover, and me. Lying and lying well is one of the skills required for my job. I wouldn't have survived a day at the Company without it.
I hang up the towel and turn away from the mirror. It's told me what I need to know. Now I need to come to terms with the knowledge.
Why did I delude myself into thinking Sarah MacKenzie was any different?
She doesn't love me. She didn't shoot Sadik for me. She shot him for that asshole Rabb. I looked into her eyes this evening and while I wanted to see love for me there, I know now that I didn't. I saw confusion, pain, anger, and yes, love... but not for me.
That look of love was for Harmon Rabb.
She never did love me, whether she wanted to or not. I was convenient, like Commander Brumby. Wonderful. I'm following in the footsteps of a lovesick Australian.
And do I love her?
I thought I did. I want to. She's smart, passionate, and beautiful - everything I want in a woman.
I saw what I wanted to see. I thought she was ready to move on from Rabb. I thought she'd love me. I thought I could make her love me. I'd been too long away from home and I lost my focus.
Rabb is the only reason I'm still alive to bitch at myself about not saving us - I almost got us killed. Rabb showed up in one of his pitches to be the hero of the piece and got Sarah and me out of Sadik's clutches.
I got Sarah while he got his resignation from JAG accepted and a job flying for the Company, neither of which were what he wanted.
But I didn't get Sarah, not really. I didn't win.
I hate owing him my life. I hate knowing there's a damned good chance he'll smile and crook his finger at Sarah and she'll go to him. And I hate most knowing I'll keep lying to myself about Sarah and not say a word about the lies she tells herself, because my silence keeps her with me.
But I look forward to the day I see my face in the mirror and recognize it.
The End
Posted 4/6/04
