Not even a lie
by Gail (gem225@hotmail.com)
JAG
Clayton Webb/Clark Palmer
Rating: adult
Clark Palmer lives through his Clay going to Rabb one last time.
Part 9a of the Eclipse series, companion piece to The truth
Disclaimer: In Eclipse, they're mine. In the real world, the rights to Clayton Webb, Clark Palmer, and Harmon Rabb belong to a certain Mr. Donald P. Bellisario, his production company Belisarius Productions, and CBS.
Please do not archive this story without asking me first. It's more than likely that I'll agree, but I want to know where my stories are.
Thanks to Tinnean and Elizabeth and Page and Celli and Beth for believing that I could do this, after all, and Alexandra, of course, who wanted it first. Thanks to Elizabeth and Nomi for their fine betas.
This is for my friend Beth, a birthday present (8/14/02).
*****
When I started this game with Clayton Webb, I never thought I'd give a damn about him. But I do, and that's why I'm sitting here at a stupid bar so that I can keep an eye on him. I would have been here anyway, to enjoy that moment of Rabb breaking up with Webb and see for myself how much it hurt both of them and watch Webb struggle before he gave in and crawled to me for comfort. Now I want to hurt Rabb for hurting my Clay, and I won't get to. Clay wouldn't like it.
I saw Rabb tell him about the fiancee, and I saw Clay take it without showing anything to Rabb, but I know it hit him hard. Wish it hadn't. Why the fuck can't he see Rabb's no good for him? I can do everything Rabb can do and much better. Clay needs me, not fucking Rabb. Doesn't know that yet, but he does, and I won't let him get away from me. I've got my hold on him, and it's a good hold: sex and David Stoner's last words. I'll never tell him the real ones, but I can make up something good that will bind him to me even more. He will ask someday. Clayton Webb won't let fear hold him back forever. I know that about him.
Rabb's going on about something, probably his Meg, when Clay looks around the room and sees me. Hell, I knew it would happen. It's a sign of how much this is fucking with him that he didn't spot me before now. I didn't try to hide from him. I wanted him to see me. No reason to hide from him this time.
Clay looks away when Rabb puts his hand on Clay's arm. Of course Rabb hasn't seen me. Rabb's talking again and leaning in too close, and Clay stands up after a minute. Is he leaving? No, heading for the rest room. Fine. Time to talk to Clay.
He doesn't look at me when I enter, and I give him time to finish. I'm in no hurry. Maybe Rabb will get a brain and leave.
He zips himself up and turns around and walks over to the sink nearest me, and I get a good look at his face. Jesus, this hit him hard.
"You all right?" I want to grab him and drag him out of there, feed him, put him to bed, and wake him up in a few hours with the best blowjob he'll ever get, but I know I can't, unless he wants to go with me.
"Fine, Palmer. Get out of here." He says it without any energy at all, and I know I'm safe ignoring the order. He turns on the water and stares at it as it runs.
"Want me to find the bitch and take her out?" If that'll help him feel better, I'll do it. Bet he won't.
"Clark, for god's sake, it's not her fault. No. Don't you do a damned thing to Ms. Austin." Thought so.
"I wouldn't hurt her, Clay." I could, but I won't if he doesn't want me to. "I could tell her she's got a fiance who likes guys. It's the truth." He shakes his head, and I know there's something more going on. "So what did he do, promise you goodbye sex?" I knew Rabb would want that. He wants my Clay. Always has.
"Yes." Clay sounds so damned tired. He should come home with me and tell Rabb to fuck off, but he won't. He wants Rabb.
"You going to?" I don't need to ask, but I want to hear him say it.
"Yes."
Yeah. I nod, and he finally gets around to washing his hands. So he's going with Rabb. That's good. He'll fuck Rabb, and Rabb will have to live with never getting fucked again.
Of course, there's a chance Rabb will talk Clay into getting on his hands and knees and taking it. No. Clay can't do that. Rabb deserves to get fucked hard and beg for it, too. But Clay's Clay, and I'm sure he has Rabb fuck him as much as he fucks Rabb. He's an honorable guy.
He's looking at me. Have to say something. "Fine. I'll see you at work in the morning." If he's not there, I'll go to Rabb's and drag him out and if I'm lucky, Rabb will do something stupid, and I can break his nose. Clay couldn't mind that. "Try not to be late. I think we're getting an assignment. I heard something about Paris." Probably not going to be us. They don't trust me. But maybe they'll decide they need Clay, and he'll make them let me come, too. Jesus. I used to have my choice of assignments in the DSD, and now I'm having to hope someone else will let me do the work I do best. "I'd like you to fuck me in Paris." I'd like him to fuck me anywhere, as long as he wants *me*.
"Clark. Stop that." His hand is on my arm, and for a moment I think that he's going to tell me that he's changed his mind, but I look into his eyes, and no, he's still looking forward to getting Rabb in bed. What the hell does he see in Rabb? I'll never get it. "I'll be on time."
I know he will be, but I don't want him to go. "You'd be on time for sure if you left with me now." I'm begging, dammit, and I know better.
"I can't." He sounds sorry. That's something.
I nod and reach into my pocket for the lube I brought. Stupid idea. No way he'd fuck me here. Couldn't help hoping. "Yeah. I know." The paper bag crackles as I push it into his hand. "Make him this time."
He knows what I mean, I think as I leave, as I start the car, as I drive home. He wants Harmon Rabb, and he wants to fuck him. It's just like when I first came to him with my offer to help him get Rabb into bed. I'm giving him an excuse to get him again. He can always blame me. Yeah, that's my job now: giving a fucking CIA guy an excuse to have the idiot he wants. I didn't get out of Leavenworth for this.
I think about finding some guy and fucking him, then the thought passes, as it always does. I want Clayton Webb. No one else.
I'd be laughing at me. Good thing no one else knows about this.
*****
When I get to my place, I eye the scotch, but decide on water. Who knows, I might enjoy listening to them fuck. Maybe Rabb will get all clingy and Clay will cut him down to size, then fuck Rabb until he begs for mercy. Maybe Clay will call out my name when he comes. No, don't want that. Rabb will get interested again for sure if he thinks he has competition.
I flip on the sound. Nothing from the bug at Rabb's place yet. Did they go to Clay's? Rabb's place was closer, but I like the thought of Clay making Rabb jump through some serious hoops to get a cock in his ass. Yeah, Rabb deserves to suffer.
I want Rabb to beg for it. I close my eyes and hear him in my head.
*Clay, please.* He moans. *I need you to fuck me.*
Clay laughs, and I picture him giving Rabb that mocking look I love seeing. *Need, Harm? That's a new one from you.*
*Need you. I'll give up Meg if you'll stay with me. Please, Clay, please.*
*Yes, Harm. I don't want anyone but you.*
What the hell am I thinking? I'm losing my mind. That's not going to happen. I make sure the tape's ready to go at the first sound from Rabb's place and go into the kitchen. Clay will fuck him or get fucked, and Rabb will break his heart if he hasn't already, and tomorrow morning Clay will show up at Langley with that look in his eyes that makes me want to kill Rabb, not that I don't want to kill Rabb most of the time. I'll get through tonight. Nothing different, except that this will be the last time Rabb gets his hand on my Clay.
I make myself a peanut butter and banana sandwich, imagining that I'm cutting up Rabb's dick and he's watching while he bleeds to death. I like cutting up bananas.
I eat it standing up, then refill my water and go back to the machines and find that they're recording, so I turn up the volume and get kissing sounds. So they did go to Rabb's. I'm hard, hearing them, and I think about taking out my cock and jerking off, but the show might get better. It's just a show. Nothing to do with me. Not my Clay with asshole Rabb who doesn't deserve to live long enough to marry his Meg. Damn. It has everything to do with me. I've fucked up so damned badly, but how could I want a life that didn't have Clay in it? Couldn't. Can't. Don't really care that I can't.
More sounds, more movement, and I can see it in my head, see Clay spreading his legs for Rabb, see Rabb's gleeful grin, see Rabb's damned cock pushing into my Clay. *My* Clay.
I turn away from the sounds and the images and go too damned fast back to the kitchen and pour myself a shot of scotch. Clay's there for the night. I can get drunk. Rabb won't fuck with him. No, he'll fuck him. I wish to hell I'd killed Rabb when I had the chance, wish I'd made a chance and killed him. I could have gotten away with it if I'd run. Yeah, and then no Clay.
Know what that means, Palmer? You're in love with a CIA guy. Brilliant, Palmer. Fucking brilliant. Better to take out the gun you're not supposed to have and shoot yourself in the head now.
I gulp that shot and reach for the bottle to pour myself another one when the phone rings. Better not be some asshole. "Palmer."
"Webb." God. He's calling me. What did Rabb do? But he sounds fine. "Listen to me. You're being an idiot." I blink and look around the room. Does he have bugs here? No, that's dumb. He wouldn't be able to monitor them from Rabb's place, so he doesn't know that I'm standing here planning on getting drunk. He's Clayton Webb. He knows me. Yeah. "Go to sleep." He keeps his voice down, but the last sentence has a definite warmth in it. I like that.
"You're going to fuck him?" Shouldn't have asked that, dumb, really dumb. But -
"Yes." Nice determination in his voice.
"Hard, please. Like you fuck me, Clay. Give him the best you've got, so that he can jerk off and remember it when all he's got is memories." Be fun if some night Rabb cried out Clay's name when he was pumping on top of his Meg and got thrown out and divorced and lost his career, too. I smile at the thought. Yeah, Clay, fuck him really good and hard. Maybe even hard enough to hurt him. I could go for that, too.
"Tomorrow. Good night." He's being careful with what he says. Must be worried about Rabb hearing. Wonder what he told Rabb about this call. I'll find out later from the tape.
"You'll be with me tomorrow night, Clay." I'm taking a chance with this, but he called *me*. "Say yes, Clay. That's all I want to hear. I want you to say it." God, do I ever.
"Yes."
My Clay. Rabb doesn't know shit about him. "And I'll show you everything I can do. I've got things you haven't seen yet, Clay." Not many, but I've got a hell of a lot of enthusiasm, and I'll show him all of it, show him everything and make up tricks. He'll inspire me. He always does. "See you in the morning." Damned right I will.
I cut the connection as my smile grows. Don't know what he and Rabb were doing, but he made time to call me. He was worried about me. He -
Shut up. He's Clayton Webb. He doesn't... whatever. He told me to go to sleep.
I head for the bathroom to wash up, then to the bedroom. I strip and get under the covers, shut my eyes, and wait for the sheets to warm and my discipline to take over so that I can sleep.
Every time I start dozing, I think about Clay with Rabb, and I'm awake again. Stupid. I'll see him tomorrow, dammit, and he'll be fine. Didn't sound like Rabb broke his heart for a change.
I finally give up and get out of bed, put on a pair of jeans and a shirt, but don't bother to button the shirt. I'll read for a while and see if that helps. I don't need much sleep. I think about checking the bug, but they're not going to be up now. Either Rabb threw Clay out after the sex and he went home, or Rabb let Clay stay and they're sharing the damned bed. Either way I see Clay in the morning.
I get some reading done, but I'm up right away when I hear a knock on the door, my gun ready. When I open it, Clay's standing there, no expression on his face. He came to me. I put the gun away before he can say anything about it and stand out of his way as he walks in.
"I was hoping you'd come," I say after a moment. He's looking straight at me, and he's got an expression now, one of pain. Goddammit, Rabb did break his heart, but he came to me to fix it, and I will. Mine, Rabb. You don't get to fuck with my Clay again. I'll see to that. Don't know how, but I can figure that out later.
He sits down on the couch. "I thought I told you to go to sleep." No anger in his eyes, so he's not pissed.
"I tried." I decide it's all right to sit next to him, so I do.
"I fucked him. Hard. Remind me to find a reason to go over there tomorrow." 'There' has to be JAG. Good. He did fuck Rabb. Clay wouldn't lie about that.
"All right." My pleasure. Maybe he'll let me go with him. Yeah, right. I'll be told to do something or other for him, but at least it'll be for him. More than Rabb will get. I'll find something for him to use an excuse for the visit, too. Least I can do for my Clay. "Was he good?" Not as good as me, but Rabb never could be.
Clay's fingers close around my upper arm, and he jerks me against him. Fine with me. Whatever he wants. I hear myself moan and know I want him more than anything. But what does he want? What does he need? I know what I need: to hear more about what happened with Rabb.
"Was he, Clay?" I know I'm pushing, but he hasn't given me any sign to shut up, so I'm safe.
"You really want to know? What if he's better than you?"
No way that's true. Clay's angry, but doesn't know what to do about it. Fine. I'll help him.
"Is he? Should I go over and find a way to get Harm to fuck me?" Not that I would. I'd never trust Rabb with my ass. "You did let him do that, didn't you?" Let him get mad at me. He wants to be here. He won't leave now.
"I said I fucked him, Palmer. Don't you listen?" His eyes are cold on mine, and even that gets me hard.
I keep pushing him. "I listen. I just don't believe you." I get my lips on his neck and taste the salt on his skin. "Do you want to get fucked, Clay? Is that why you're here?"
"Clark." There's too much pain and hurt and even fear in his voice, and I don't want any of it there. Goddamn Rabb for this. It's his fault. All of it.
I stop kissing his neck. He needs me to tell him what I'll do. "I'll fuck you. I'll suck you off. I'll bend over and take it all night. Anything for you, Clay." I shouldn't say any more, but I have to. "I'll go over and kill Rabb if you want. Is that what you want, Clay? Rabb dead? Tell me. It won't take long. I'll go over there, get in, make it look like he died in his sleep, come back here." I could do it, too. I want to do it. Let me get rid of him. Let me kill him for you.
"No."
"What about that Meg, then?" That would be almost as good.
"No killing. Do you understand?"
Yeah, I understand. Clayton Webb isn't a killer. That's why he needs me. I should let this go, but I can't, dammit.
"He hurt you. He has to pay." I have to make him pay.
"Just... no."
All right. I'll let it go. I've got Clay here with me. Rabb's alone. That's enough revenge for tonight. But I want him to hear this idea, even though I'm almost certain he won't go for it. Maybe it'll make him smile. I like Clay's smile.
"I can find someone to seduce her, make her think twice about him. I know at least one guy who'd love to." That guy would do anything for the right money, and he liked the picture I showed him of Meg Austin a lot. All I'd have to do is make one call, and he'd start, and she wouldn't stand a chance. She'd have fun. I've got nothing against her, except her bad taste in wanting Rabb, and I can't really blame her for that when Clay does, too. I reach for the top button of his shirt. I want him naked.
"You?"
I keep unbuttoning. "Only if you let me, Clay. I do what you say. You know that." He has to know that by now.
I hear him say it, finally. "You belong to me, then." I don't let myself show any of the relief I feel, any of the joy. He's already looking uncertain, as if he's done something wrong. I run my fingers over his crotch.
"I belong to you." I've been waiting to say that since that first day in his office. Maybe I will go out and buy that collar tomorrow. The Clayton Webb sitting here might put it on me, if I begged. And for that I would beg. He's mine. I win. Rabb is history. I may never have to check out that fucking file again. Unless I decide to destroy it. I might. It would be easier than killing some asshole who might decide to use it against Clay. No one fucks with Clayton Webb as long as I'm around, and I'm not going anywhere. "So tell me what you want. I don't know yet." I think he wants sex, hope he does. I know I do. My cock's hard, but it always is when he's around.
"You figure it out." He's challenging me, one more thing I love about him.
"Am I doing what you want now?" I keep my fingers on his crotch and wonder if I should take out his cock. No, not yet. I can tell.
His hand is over mine, warm, making me cup his cock and balls. "What do you think?"
That this is what I want forever. Dammit. This is still about him. Always. I'd better not forget that. I get my mouth on his neck again and kiss it between words. "I think you want more. I think Harm wasn't enough for you. I think I need you to fuck me." I know I need him to fuck me. He fucked Rabb, so now he has to fuck me. "Please fuck me, Clay. Show me how you fucked him."
"No." I lift my head when I hear that and stare at him. He doesn't want me? "I'm going to do a hell of a lot better than that." He does want me. "You can take more than he does. You're better than he ever could be."
I don't know what my face is showing him, and right now I don't care. He wants me. He wants *me*. He said I was better than Rabb.
"He wanted me to get it over with." There's a little hurt in his voice, but not much. "He didn't want it."
Rabb's a fucking idiot, but I knew that. "You made him want it though, didn't you? You're too good not to." Clay's hands are on my chest, then his fingers pinch my nipples, and I moan. Damned right he's too good not to.
"Yes. He wanted it." No pride or joy in Clay's voice. Not that I want him proud of getting Rabb hot, but he needs to know how good he is, and he still doesn't.
"He wanted you." Not 'it', Clay, 'you'. He stares at me, and I decide that I'm pushing too much and get back to what he's doing to me, which is more fun than talking about Rabb any day. "Harder, please." His eyes glow, and he squeezes my nipples hard, the way I like it. "Yes. God, Clay, oh, god." I want him to fuck me, want him to put me on my knees and shove his cock in my mouth, want him to do anything with me that he damned well wants to.
"You want me, don't you, Clark?"
He doesn't doubt that, but he wants me to say it. I'll say it anytime, anywhere. "Yes, want you."
My head drops against the back of the couch, and I moan again as he keeps working my nipples. He's with me now, not Rabb.
When he stops, I lift my head and stare. It takes me a moment to read what's there, but then I know. He's going to ask about Stoner's last words.
Clayton Webb has finally broken free of his fear. Now it's up to me to make damned sure what he hears is what he needs to hear.
I play dumb, though. "Clay. What is it?"
"What did David say to you?"
Yeah, I know Clayton Webb better than anyone else in the fucking world. "I did not hear you say that you wanted to tell me..." Damned right I heard him say that, but I've got to play this right. If Clay thinks I can read him that well, he'll - I don't know what he'll do, but I'm not risking him. He's mine, and that's how he's going to stay. "Yes, I did."
His eyes have a sadness, but the certainty I was looking for. I give him a nod and shut my eyes to give myself a moment. I know what to say - I've had it planned, but I've got to get this right.
"That he loved you. That it wasn't your fault. That I was a bastard." That's the truth he wants and needs, so that's what I give him. I give him everything he needs.
He stares at me, then shakes his head. "He didn't say any of that. He shot himself in the head. He couldn't have said anything."
Shit. I never thought of that. Hole in the story as big as the Grand Canyon. But Clay's eyes are sad, but calm, and there's no suspicion of me. He thinks I've been lying to him, but to make him feel better. Well, I am.
"His eyes said that." Probably had, but I wasn't watching them. "Clay, I know I've been giving you shit about this for months now, but can this wait? I really want you to fuck me." He said he'd fuck me.
"Tell me about buying this couch." I blink. What the fuck? But he's down on his knees, and his hands are up at my waist, undoing the button, then the zipper. He tugs at my jeans, and I lift my hips so that he can get them off. "I want to hear you talk while I suck you off, slowly. I want to hear how your voice changes, what I can do to you."
Why does he want to hear about me buying this couch? I went out and bought the damned thing because he couldn't fuck me over the back of the one I had. Nothing big happened, but if he wants a story, he'll get one.
"I need you to fuck me." Clay's blowjobs are great, but I don't get why he wants to give me one now. I hate not knowing. Is this how it's going to be from now on? I won't be able to read him? Fuck that. I'll figure out the new and improved Clayton Webb.
"Later, Clark. I promise." God, that voice of his gets me every time, and the heat of him swallowing my cock is enough to get me to stop thinking. He's free of the past. He's mine. But I still have to think enough to tell him about buying the damned couch.
"I bought it for you," I start, and he sucks harder, and I know that I said the right thing. And it wasn't even a lie.
The End
Posted 8/14/02
To read part 10 of the Eclipse series, go to Peace.
