Right Decision
by Gail (gem225@hotmail.com)
from Brian's pov, part 1
Rating: adult
Please do not archive this story without asking me first. The copyright belongs to me.
With thanks to Tinnean and Elizabeth, who beta'd; to Scarlet and Nomi, who, along with the first two, encouraged; and to Christine, who kindly pointed out a problem that I'd thought I'd fixed, but hadn't.
*****
I stood on the subway platform, water dripping off my overcoat and umbrella, and wondered if I'd made the right decision to go into work on this rainy Tuesday morning. I could have stayed home and waited until the rain stopped. Some days I never even made it into the office if I'd stayed up all night working on runs or a bug. My boss didn't care as long as I got the work done. He knew that I was only a phone call or message away.
But I had made my decision, and it made no sense to leave the subway platform and walk back through the rain to my apartment. I'd go in, have some more coffee, get some work done, treat myself to lunch at a restaurant instead of getting the fried-rice special from the over-the-counter Chinese place, and hope that by the time I was ready to leave the rain would have stopped.
A train pulled into the station, and the doors opened. I headed for one of the few empty seats, but there was a woman heading for it, too, so I gestured to her to take it.
She sat and smiled up at me. It was a nice smile. "Thank you."
I stood near her and held on to the overhead rail and smiled back. "You're welcome."
She looked away as the doors closed, and I let myself study her. She had short dark hair curling at the edges and looked attractive in a quiet way. I thought that it would be nice to have coffee with her and talk. But would it be worth it?
I had to stop that. Just because the last woman I'd gone out with, and the three before that, had decided to break up with me to date other men was no reason to give up. Of course I could always try dating a man, but I hadn't seen a man to whom I'd been attracted in a very long time. I wasn't sure why. Maybe I needed to think about that. I'd liked quite a few men enough in college and graduate school to go to bed with them. It was when I got my doctorate and a good job that I'd started noticing women sexually again.
She stood. I tried to move out of her way, but there was no room for me. She gave me an embarrassed smile as her body pressed against mine, and I hoped that my smile was all right.
"Do you have a long walk to work?" She looked started, but nodded. "Then take my umbrella."
"I couldn't do that."
"I wish you would. Then I'd have an excuse to call you so that I could get it back."
She flushed and smiled. "You'd need to have my number for that."
"Yes, I would."
I wasn't sure that she was going to give it to me, but then she recited a number. I was about to ask her to say it again when she said, "That's my number at work. Samuelson's Rare Books. You can find it in the phone book. I'm Kate."
The train slowed as it entered the station, and I smiled to cover my chagrin. A work number? I'd hoped for her home number, but I couldn't fault her for being careful. She'd just met me. "Thank you. I'm Brian, and I'll call you this afternoon." The train slowed. "Take the umbrella." I held it out to her. "Please."
She took it from me and gave me another smile. "You're a gentleman. I haven't met many of those lately. I hope you do call."
"I will."
The train stopped, and she made her way out with most of the rest of the people in the car. I took a seat and relaxed. I'd met someone. Whether she'd turn out to be someone I wanted to date seriously or a friend or someone I never wanted to see again, I couldn't know now, but I'd taken the first step, and that was something to be happy about.
*****
I got caught up in work and an afternoon meeting and didn't get a reasonable chance to call Kate until four-thirty. I was almost sure that I had the number right, but I decided to look it up anyway before dialing.
"Samuelson's Rare Books. May I help you?"
The voice sounded like Kate, but I didn't want to presume. "May I speak with Kate?"
"That's me." There was a smile in her voice. "Is this the gentleman whose umbrella kept me dry this morning?"
"Yes, it's Brian."
"Did you want to stop by to get the umbrella? We're open until six."
"I could do that, but I was hoping you'd have coffee with me."
She was silent a moment, and I wondered if I should have waited and asked when I saw her. "Tonight?"
"I'd like that very much.
"So would I," she said after another silence.
We settled on seven to meet at the Starbucks in the Harvard Square Garage, then said goodbye. I found myself smiling when I hung up. I had a date.
*****
But when I got home later, I wasn't so happy. She was attractive, intelligent, nice, and charming - but I felt more physical attraction to the man behind the counter who'd taken our order for coffee. Still, we had a good amount of interests in common, and maybe I'd been expecting too much. We'd agreed to see each other again Friday night for dinner. I'd see how that went.
*****
We had more dates, all of which were pleasant, and I decided that I had been expecting too much. She was happy to be with me, and I was happy to be with her. I liked seeing her, and she liked seeing me. What more could I want? Overwhelming passion? It would be nice, but I could wait for it.
At the end of our second date, I kissed her on the cheek, and she smiled. On our third date, when we saw 'Rashomon' at the Brattle, I put my arm around her at the first suggestion of violence, and she leaned against me. When I took her home, she asked me in for coffee, and we kissed on her couch. But after a few kisses, she pulled away, smiled nervously, and said she'd get me the coffee, and I didn't push her. After she'd come back with the coffee and we'd sat in silence for a while, she cleared her throat and said that she wasn't too comfortable with physical intimacy, and she hoped that I wasn't put off by that. I told her that I liked her and wanted to be with her, and anything more either would or wouldn't come in time. From the smile I got back, I'd said the right thing.
So from then on, I left it up to her to decide what we did or didn't do regarding sex. We kissed, we held hands, we hugged each other. That was it.
And when I was in bed at night or in the shower, I jerked off to the images of men I'd seen and wanted.
I told myself that it wasn't a problem, but I knew that it was. Maybe Kate was better as a friend than as a lover, and that was fine. But I needed to be honest with myself, and I needed to be honest with her.
*****
The next night at dinner, Kate was telling me about a customer who'd come in looking for the original version of S. Morgenstern's "The Princess Bride", and how difficult it had been to convince her that no such book existed, and I was listening and smiling and buttering my roll when I saw the most attractive man I'd ever seen walk into the restaurant. My cock went from limp to hard in a shockingly short time, and I bit back a whimper when I saw him come over toward our table.
"Hello, Kate." He didn't even look at me. For one moment I'd hoped he was coming over to me, but there was no reason he would. Just that I wanted him more than I'd wanted anyone ever, and he didn't know that.
Kate was looking at him coldly. "Mr. Barry." So she knew him. I wondered from where.
"I hoped you'd remember me." He sketched a bow and finally looked over at me. I hoped that my look back gave nothing of what I was feeling away. "My apologies for intruding on your evening."
He didn't mean that. I'd just met him, and I could tell. I nodded. I didn't trust my voice.
"Good." He turned back to Kate. "I hope you'll give me another chance to show you that I'm worth your time."
"I'm with Brian, and even if I weren't, I'm not interested in you."
He didn't move. "I don't give up easily," he said softly. "You will be seeing me again." He looked at me again. "What is your name, anyway?"
"Brian Cameron."
I got a smile from him, even colder than the one he'd given Kate. "Pleased to meet you, Mr. Cameron."
Kate stood. "I expect you to be gone by the time I'm back from the ladies' room." She walked away quickly.
"It's too bad she doesn't mean you, Mr. Cameron, but if you'd care to go, I'll make sure Kate gets home safely." He sat down in the chair next to mine and reached for the bottle of wine.
I pulled it away from him. "Please leave." Kate had asked him to go, and even though I liked the thought of spending some time with him, maybe getting to know him better, I wasn't going to contradict her statement. She was my friend.
"I want her. I'm going to have her." His eyes were bright. "Don't make the mistake of getting in my way." He stood. "Have a pleasant evening."
I watched him walk out of the room with a steady, assured stride that made me want him even more, and I poured myself a generous glass of wine and drank a good-sized swallow.
Would I ever see him again? I wanted to, but how could I justify doing so? I couldn't just go over and visit him.
I knew one thing for sure now: it was no use trying to date Kate or any woman. I wanted a man. No, I wanted Michael Barry, but since he wanted Kate and was probably straight, I'd have to see about getting over that and when I did, finding some other man who aroused me. It was no use fighting myself and my inclinations any longer.
*****
Kate came back and sat, and we ordered and ate dinner. It was an awkward meal. Finally I asked her to tell me about Michael Barry, and the relief on her face told me that was what she wanted to talk about. She told me the story of how he'd come on to her and how her boss had warned her later that he probably wouldn't give up, that going out with him would be a "short, intense affair and nothing more."
"I told Tom I wanted nothing to do with Michael Barry, and he said that he was sorry he'd introduced us if it upset me, and that he doubted Michael would persist, but he's persisting."
"Kate, there's more to it than this. Would you please tell me?"
She dropped her fork, and in that moment I knew.
"You want him."
"No, no! I don't want him! I...." Her voice trailed off. "I don't want to want him."
"But you do, and that's all right."
"It's not all right. I'm dating you. I shouldn't want some other guy, especially him. He's such an arrogant shit." She leaned forward. "Brian, I'm sorry. I like you, and I want to be with you. Please don't be angry."
"I'm not angry."
"Even though I'm att- " She bit her lip and gave me a pleading look.
"Even though you're attracted to Michael Barry." How could I condemn her for having the same feelings I was having?
"If he tries anything, I'll tell him to go away again. I don't want an affair without any kind of feeling."
But there was something in her eyes that told me that she was tempted, and I found myself worrying about her. Or maybe I was displacing my concern for my own sanity onto her. I didn't know, but I did know that she needed me.
It was good to be needed. Not as good as being wanted, but it was much, much better than being alone.
I put my arms around her. I'd tell her another time that I wasn't interested in a physical relationship any longer. She didn't need the stress.
*****
"He asked me out for Friday night. I told him 'maybe'." She was looking at her coffee cup, and I reached over to take her hand. I didn't like seeing her so upset.
"Kate, why not just accept that you want to go out with him and enjoy it? You told me that he respects your wishes." I didn't know how she was resisting him. If Michael Barry pursued me, I'd do whatever he wanted and happily, and he'd been after her for three weeks now.
She shook her head. "I refuse to be weak!"
"Being attracted is weak? Caring is weak?"
She caught my hand. "No, of course not. But with him, yes." She covered our joined hands with her other one. "Brian, I have a favor to ask you. Nothing terrible, but it won't be pleasant. Would you please go to see Michael and tell him that I'm yours, that I will never be his?"
I sat in stunned silence for a few breaths. I couldn't let her keep thinking that. It would be wrong and unfair of me, although if she thought she was mine, maybe she would - No. I would not be that kind of person. I had to tell her the truth. I'd put it off, but I shouldn't have.
"Kate, I should have said this before. I care for you, but as a friend."
She blew out a breath. "I know that. That's how I care for you. Why else do you think I kept seeing you so long? I don't want a lover. I want a friend. I know I'm asking you to lie, but I need to get him to stop." She paused, and I knew what she was going to say before she said it. "Or I'll give in."
She wanted me to go to Michael. I'd get to see him.
"All right."
"Thank you, Brian." If her voice didn't convince me that she was overjoyed, her eyes would have.
"You're welcome."
"You'll talk to him soon?"
"Tomorrow night."
She took a breath, smiled, and picked up her glass. "To you."
I smiled back and clinked my glass of water against hers.
I would talk to him, but I wasn't sure that telling him that she was mine was going to work. I'd have to think about it.
*****
Posted 10/15/03
Part 2 of Brian's pov, Into the Lion's Den
