Tell me that you need me

By Lynsey Rogers 

Chapter 1: Alone

Benji stared mournfully as he adjusted his Mohawk in the bathroom mirror. He sighed to himself as he saw Joel and Kate in the other room. They looked so lost in each other that it penetrated tears in his eyes. He was happy for his brother of course, but he wanted what Joel had so much. He had been single for a while now, and he had left behind a trail of heartache and pain that he had endured over the years. He checked himself over once more and took a deep, strengthening breath as he stepped off the tour bus. Tonight was the last show, and he was excited, of course, but felt a sense of emptiness despite this.

He had watched all the other guys meet amazing girls and form envious relationships over the past few months. He scanned the venue in one last vain attempt for that someone special to catch his eye, but this failed. He picked up his guitar and thrashed it harder than he ever had before. Everyone was on top form tonight, especially new recruit Chris, who could have been mistaken for an original band member. The crowd loved it, singing attentively to every word and waving their arms around in a sweat-fuelled frenzy. Girls let out ear-piercing screams comprising of various crude messages for each band member. But this did nothing for Benji tonight. Sure, he loved his fans, after all, there would be no Good Charlotte without them, but despite all of this adoration and support, he felt so alone. He had never felt so alone since those painful years when his Father left without explanation. But he survived that, and he could survive this too, he just needed that "someone" to help him…

Chapter 2: Moving in Circles

Benji's thoughts were simply spinning and grinding at his mind as he dried himself with a towel on exit of the stage. He planted a smile on his face as he prepared himself for the ‘meet and greets’. After what seemed like an age of meeting allsorts of people and signing allsorts of things, Benji was greeted by a familiar face; "Hey Benj! Great show! What's up?" enthused Skye, one of Benji's oldest friends and Billy's girlfriend. "I'm fine…umm…yeah…I gotta go….see ya.”

Skye was startled by Benji's attitude as he rushed to what probably was the bus. She shrugged and ran over to an exhausted Billy, who was busy handling a mob of fans.

Meanwhile, Benji cursed himself for his attitude towards Skye as he made his way to the bus. He needed to get away from all of this, and fast. He collapsed longingly on the tour bus sofa and looked over at the mini bar. He couldn't, not after all the years of struggle, but he found himself reaching for the first alcoholic drink he could find. No thought was made as he slowly raised the bottle to his pierced lips. He felt that old comforting rush as he drank away, and he began to think that he could handle just one drink. But that one turned into two and the two into three as an hour slowly slipped by him. He was entering a stupor as Joel boarded the bus. He took one look at Benji and flew into a rage.

"Why? After all these years? Why Benji?" He cried as he helplessly sent punches into his brother's body. Benji wearily fought back, but his state caused him to stop and look at Joel. The hurt look in his eyes caused Benji to collapse in a heap on the floor, trying to disguise his deepening sobs. Joel, thinking he had injured Benji, fell to the floor and grabbed him by the arm; "Benj?" He spoke, concerned. Benji looked up and let the tears flow. Joel, surprised by his Brother's emotional outburst, grabbed him into a hug. "Umm… You know I'm here dude.. We've been through everything…remember that." Benji managed a smile at his brother's words. "I just, feel alone… like I need someone" He replied wearily. "A hot chick, you mean!" laughed Joel

"Something like that, yeah."

"Well, I'll keep a look out for ya… but please, don't start all that again. It took years to get you off that, don't go round in circles Benji." Joel spoke sternly, motioning towards the empty beer bottles that adorned the floor.

"I know, Dude, I know," He replied shamefully, looking down distantly at his feet. "Well, come on, we're heading to a club for a while, sober yourself up and come out."

"Yeah, cool… gimme 5 minutes" he replied, trying to sound enthusiastic. "Hey, and you never know, ya might find your hot chick" Joel laughed as he climbed off the bus. Benji gulped some water as he changed his shirt, restoring a new drive within himself…

Chapter 3: New beginnings

The noise hit him as he entered the dark and smoke filled club. He passed a sea of tarted girls, desperately scanning the room for a familiar face. He felt a pair of arms wrap themselves around his waist, and he turned in surprise. Skye's familiar features stood before him. It was then he realised just how beautiful she was. He couldn't help grinning as she pulled him close into a tight hug.

"Joel told me what happened on the bus. Please, Benji, don't do this to yourself. I love you too much to see that happen again." Benji softened as he saw the genuine care on her face.

"Thanks, honey, I know it was stupid… spur of the moment thing… honestly, I don't wanna get into all that stuff again." Benji replied firmly.

“Good." Skye pouted and put a playful hand through Benji's Mohawk. "I've got someone you have to meet!" She rushed, excitedly, grabbing Benji's hand and pushing her way through the noisy crowd.

This is the last thing I need, Benji thought to himself. He thought about his warm, inviting bed on the bus as he was dragged towards a group of people. He nodded towards Paul and Chris, who were among the bustle, looking busy chatting up various girls. Benji stood, rooted to the spot as Skye's soft voice enthused; "Benji, this is Rach, a friend of mine from back home, I think you two could get along!" She winked, leaving them to join Billy at the bar.

Benji had been through this a million times. I know Skye means well, he thought as he nervously looked up from his feet to Rachael. He choked in surprise at what stood before him. "Ummm…. You ok?" Rach muttered, feeling rather uncomfortable by his stare.

"Yeah, ummm… wanna sit down?" he managed to mutter as he stood, transfixed.

"Yeah, cool" A smile spread across her face, and Benji smiled enthusiastically in reply.

"So, NOFX huh? Glad to see a girl's got taste!" Benji said smoothly referring to her t-shirt as they sat down long into the night.

Chapter 4: Chance

Benji woke the next morning and smiled. Despite the pounding headache and piercing sunlight that plagued his tired body. He thought back to the previous night and smiled even more. Being in Rach's company was great. She was exactly what he needed. She seemed genuinely interested in what he had to say, which made a change from all the others. She never removed her attention from him and her smile restored a little faith within Benji. And of course, she was beautiful. Short messy black hair that screamed to be played with, and deep brown eyes that lit up excitedly as conversation flowed.

He brought himself out of this dream and got up, washed and dressed. He walked into the lounge area, to be greeted by Billy and a tired looking Skye. "Late night, huh?" Benji laughed as he poured himself some juice. "Someone's happy!" grinned Skye, "How'd it go with Rach last night?" She asked, with a hint of excitement in her voice.

Benji blushed, "Oh, it was great, She is such a cool person!"

"Well good thing, eh? 'Cause she's joining us in Waldorf for a while." Smiled Skye.

No sooner has Skye said these words than Rach appeared at the Bus, laden with suitcases. "Travelling light, huh?" Benji grinned as he helped carry them onto the bus. Rach smiled as she followed Benji to the bus and the long trip to Waldorf. Maybe this was going to be fun after all….

Chapter 5: The truth comes alive

 Rach smiled as she listened to the conversation flowing. She sipped her drink and looked at Benji, who had been 'subtly' staring at her throughout the night. He was a great guy, one of the only guys who found her piercings and tattoos attractive. But she couldn't help thinking back to her past. Leaving home at 16, the drink problems and worst of all, the rape. That night still haunted her. She recovered physically and her rapist had been jailed. But despite the huge support received, it would never go away….

She jumped as she felt a hand softly touch her arm. It was Benji.

"Can we talk? Outside?" he spoke softly. Rach took in some deep breaths and followed Benji outside. The air was cold, and Rach shivered. Benji put an arm around her, but she tensed up, trying desperately to stop the memories flooding back into her head. They leaned against the back of the bus, and talked like old friends. After a while, Benji turned to Rach and spoke quietly,

"Look, …ummm…Well I really like you and umm.. Well I think its safe to say you like me too."

Rach blushed as Benji spoke the truth. Benji took the initiative and leaned in towards Rach. Her breath deepened, as he got close. The images flashed before her eyes as she felt Benji's lips brush lightly against hers. A wave of panic swept over her and she pushed Benji away. She followed her instinct to run, and the tears ceased to stop flowing. She heard Benji's confused cries as she ran onto the bus.

She collapsed into sobs in front of a startled Skye and Joel. Benji hurried in soon after, with a confused and hurt expression.

"Rach? What's up? I'm so sorry…. I didn't mean to…. I'm sorry." Benji looked desperately at an equally confused Skye and Joel. Rach muffled her sobs and looked sadly at Benji,

"Its not you…. Its me…." She choked more tears back as his face entered her mind, "Its just…. I wanted to kiss you but…. Well, you see…. Three years ago I was raped."

Joel and Benji simultaneously gasped and Skye took in a sharp breath. "I was in a club, having a great time, but this guy kept looking at me all night and…."

"Stop!" cried Skye, tears rolling down her cheeks. She sat herself next to Rach. "You don't have to do this." She soothed, putting a comforting arm around Rach's shoulders.

Rach sighed; "But I do, I owe it to Benji." She said, smiling sadly over at him. Benji sat, horrified as Rach described her ordeal, the attack, the aftermath and the trial. All of the feelings came back, the confusion, the pain, the anger and the hatred of both herself and her attacker. Skye sobbed as she saw her best friend recount her pain. Joel attempted to comfort her with a hug, but the shock had struck him too. Benji looked at Rach's pain as she retold her story. He had no idea what she could possibly have gone through, and there he had been a few days earlier feeling so sorry for himself. He sat down slowly next to Rach and looked at her, she looked back at him wearily, and he held her tightly as she collapsed into a world of sobs…

Chapter 6: Moving on

Rach was woken the next morning by Skye. "Honey, we're at Waldorf. You still ok to stay with Benji?" Rach smiled. Of course she was! She hugged Skye and sat up in bed;

"Thanks so much for last night, you're going though it all with me again, I love you for that"

"Anytime! Now hurry up, Benji's dying to see you!"

Rach smiled and tried to block out the nerves in the pit of her stomach. She was determined to get on with her life. She entered the bathroom and frowned at her reflection. Tear-stained cheeks with mascara adorning them. Her eyes looked tired, and her skin pale. She grabbed her make-up and set to work. Once a fresh coat of eyeliner was applied, she felt human. Throwing on a pair of tartan bondage pants and a distiller's shirt helped this feeling further. She grabbed her cases and in her rush bumped into a sleepy Joel. "Oh, sorry Hun. You ok?"

"Yeah, sure" she smiled.

"Even after everything last night?"

"Yeah, its good to talk about it, I guess, thanks for being there."

"No problem, anytime. Look, you have fun with Benji, believe me, the guy's crazy about you…. I'm gonna stay with Kate for a while… I've missed her." "I'm sure ya have!" Rach giggled

"Look, I'll see ya real soon, take care!" Joel waved Rach off to Benji's van. Benji was leaning casually against the van door, wearing loosely hung pants and a thin vest top. Rach blushed slightly as she stared at him. He is hot, she thought, as she got closer to him. He smiled wearily at her, not sure how to approach her after last night. It broke his heart to see her that way. He felt so strongly about her, despite only knowing her a few days. She grabbed him into a hug, determined to show that she was ready to move on… well almost. The drive to Waldorf was great. The sun was shining and the conversation flowed. Rach found herself able to let go and forget all the other things in her life when she was with Benji. He had never laughed so much in all his life. He had also never found someone who liked his car tapes! They soon arrived and Benji and Billy's house, although Billy had gone to stay with Skye for a while. Rach struggled with her suitcases and was soon given a helping hand! A dog bounded over to her and almost knocked her off her feet.

"Cashdogg! Leave Rach alone, cum'here boy!" Shouted Benji fussing from behind her. Cashdogg ran and jumped onto a submissive Benji. Rach cooed as she watched Benji smoother Cashdogg with kisses.

"So that's the famous Cashdogg then?" She giggled.

"Yeah. He's a cutie eh?" Benji remarked.

"Takes after his owner then?" She winked making her way into the house.

Chapter 7: If its meant to be….

The next few weeks passed in a blur for Rach. She couldn't remember a better time in her life. Waldorf was beautiful, well, in comparison to grey old England. It was a whole new world, a whole new lifestyle. Her days consisted of little, not that she was complaining. She usually went to the mall, hung out with the guys and Skye.

The best part was her nights. Nothing amazing, just her and Benji, and Cashdogg of course, chilling, talking, watching movies and eating taco bell. Sometimes she would sit in Benji's arms and just wonder. About nothing in particular of course, just the fact that she could relax in such intimacy was a thought enough. The flashbacks had reduced, and Rach began to believe that she was truly getting on with her life.

One night, after friends' re-runs and burritos, Rach and Benji lay sprawled on the couch. Benji sat and stared intently at her face. She really was beautiful. He couldn't help but wonder what she was thinking about. Rach looked up from the television to notice Benji staring at her. He jumped, embarrassed, slowly turning a deep shade of red. She giggled and looked back at him. "Kiss Me," she thought. There was an awkward silence as Rach slowly brushed her lips against Benji's. Benji tensed, replaying in his head the last time they kissed. Benji pulled away after a few seconds; "Are you sure?" He gasped. "Benji, don't spoil this" Rach muttered, as she leaned in again…

Chapter 8: New beginnings

Rach woke the next day, forgetting where she was for a moment. She scanned her surroundings and shielded her eyes from the blinding sunlight. She turned over slowly to see Benji asleep beside her. She smiled as she thought back to last night. She'd never been so happy or submissive for something to happen. She finally felt like her old self.

She got up and went downstairs to find herself a drink. She jumped as she felt a pair of arms wrap around her waist. "Hey you" a voice said

"Hey yourself!" She laughed as she hugged Benji. Neither of them said anything for a while, but held each other as a form of communication. "Last night, was right wasn't it?" questioned Benji.

"Of course" She enthused holding him closer to reassure him further. For the first time ever, she felt she needed no reassurance for her feelings.

Chapter 9: Return of The past.

A few weeks had passed and Rach and Benji had continued dating. It was early days, but Rach felt happy, relaxed. The rest of the guys had never seen Benji this happy.

"They are so cute" Remarked Paul's girlfriend, Liz as Benji and Rach sat on the beach. The group were all having a chilled day as the new tour approached. The day ended with more wine being consumed and the sunset being watched. Rach drifted into a deep sleep as Benji drove tiredly back to the house.

As he stepped out of the van, Benji noticed a figure sitting on the front step. "Hello?" He called out as he walked closer towards the figure. The figure lifted its head towards Benji. Benji could make out a face, but the darkness stopped him from distinguishing its features.

"Son" the figure spoke wearily. Benji was dumbfounded as he took in that one simple word. His head was spinning with so many thoughts and feelings. "Dad?" he blurted out, confused.

"Yes, Benji. I'm so glad I've finally found you. How have you been?"

Benji laughed. "You've got a nerve" he retorted angrily. He tried to stop himself but his anger overtook him. He started sending hard punches into his Father's body, releasing years of pain and anger that he had felt. He found himself screaming insults at his Father. He was getting on with his life; this was the last thing he needed.

Rach was awoken suddenly by the shouting. She rushed out of the van and towards the scene. "Benji, stop it! What's going on?" She screamed, scared of what was happening in front of her. She managed to pull them apart to gather some kind of explanation.

"I'm Benji's Father" the stranger spoke quietly. Rach gasped. She remembered everything that Benji had told her.

"How… why… when…" Rach mumbled, finding herself as confused as Benji. "Who's this?" Benji's Father asked inquisitively.

"This is my girlfriend, Rachael." Benji spoke bitterly.

"Oh well, nice to meet you" his Father replied, offering a hand to Rachael. She shook it, reluctantly, smiling nervously at Benji.

"I have to call Joel" Benji muttered, stalking his way into the house. Rach and Benji's father followed nervously, unable to look at each other.

**********

"Why Dad? Why walk out?" Benji questioned.

"Yeah, we needed you man" Joel contributed. It was now a few hours later and Rach sat, twitching nervously as they talked.

"I couldn't handle it guys. We had no money. I was losing control. I was ruining you lives."

"You didn't make it any better by leaving, we could have worked it out" replied Joel sternly.

"Its not that easy Joel, if only" his Father sniffed. "Believe me, I'd rather have stayed than put you through all this, I'm really sorry. I want to make it up to you now."

"Ha." Benji snarled. "It's a bit late for that now, you're no Father of mine!" He screamed, slamming the door behind him as he left the room. His Father hung his head and Joel looked away from him. Rach ran upstairs, confronted by a sobbing Benji;

"Why Rach? I hate him! I hate him!" he screamed, as Rach tried to hold him close. Suddenly, Benji marched downstairs and grabbed a cd.

"You wanna know how I feel? You wanna know what we've been through?" Benji cried. His Father looked up slowly and nodded. Benji put on a song;

"Its been a long hard road without you by my side, why weren't you there on the nights that we cried?"

It was Emotionless, written as an open letter to their Father. Rach sobbed as the song played, and looked at Benji, who was numb. His Father broke down. "I'm so sorry, I really am," He cried between sobs. Benji loosened.

"You got anywhere to stay?"

"No" his Father replied.

"You can crash here, but don't take that as a sign of forgiveness."

"Of course, thanks, Benji, this means a lot"

"Whatever" Benji spoke angrily.

"Right, I'll get the bedding" Rach spoke nervously.

"I'd better get going" Joel interrupted. "Will you be ok?" he questioned Benji "Sure dude…. I just need to get my head around all of this." Benji replied wearily.

"Me too" Joel replied, pulling Benji into a hug. Their father smiled at their closeness. They didn't need him.

"Look, we can't change what happened….and I'm still angry…. But you're still my dad and somehow I love you. But I can say honestly with all my heart that I can't see you having a place in my life." Joel spoke sternly to his Father.

"I understand…I love you son" his Father replied. Joel hugged him reluctantly and left.

"Do you want something to eat? Drink? The TV's there if you wanna watch something, feel free" Rach called from the kitchen. Benji glared angrily at Rach.

"Don't butter him up. He's not worth it."

"I'm only providing basic needs. Look at him, he hasn't has a decent meal in days." Rach replied angrily.

"Look Rach, you don't know anything. You weren't there! You have no idea!" Benji shouted.

"Benji, I'm trying"

"Well don't. You're not part of it. Sometimes I think you don't care!"

"What!" Rach was shocked by his outburst. "Benji, that's nonsense!" she cried.

"Nonsense, well thanks, now I know how you really feel!"

"Benji, please… don't do this"

"Oh, please, you're the one treating him like royalty" he spoke, motioning towards his Father. "Right now, I don't even want to look at you" Benji blurted and ran out of the room. Rach could feel the tears gathering in her eyes but choked them back to make a meal for Benji's Father. As she set up his bed, Benji couldn't even look at her. She touched his arm;

"Can we talk?" she said hopefully.

"Don't touch me" Benji muttered.

Rach had to get out of there…. fast. She left the room, mumbling something about taking a bath. Instead she ran out of the house and walked. She didn't know where she was going. She came across the park and sat on a swing. It was then she allowed the sobs to rack and overtake her tired body.

Chapter 10: Changing Times

Benji woke the next morning and thought back to the events of the previous night. He still couldn't quite get his head around it. Then he thought back to his argument with Rach. He hated himself for it. He shouldn't have taken out all of his anger over Dad on her.

He turned over, ready to apologise, but when he turned; he saw an empty space beside him where Rach should have been sleeping. He panicked, but got up to check Billy's room, where she might have crashed for the night. She wasn't there. He ran downstairs, were he found his Father eating some breakfast. This was a strange sight for Benji.

"Have you seen Rach?" he asked, panicking.

"No I haven't" his Father replied. "I gotta go, I dunno where she is." Benji cried, running out of the house. He scanned the streets of Waldorf, the further he went, the more worried he became.

He came to the park, and Rach was still sitting on that swing. Benji ran over to her.

"Where have you been? I've been so worried! I'm… so sorry." Rach looked up, Benji was crying.

"What you said last night really hurt, Benji. You broke my heart. I just came here and cried all night." Rach said weakly.

"You've been here all night?!" Benji exclaimed, "Darling, this is Waldorf! Are you stupid? You could have been killed!"

"It’s a bit late to be saying that! I know it was stupid, but I couldn't face you after what you said" she replied.

 "You know I didn't mean a word of it. I was mad at my Dad and I took it out on the wrong person. Please, I love you" Benji pleaded.

Rach smiled. He'd never said her loved her. "Just remember that I wanna be a  part of your life. I'm here for you. And oh, yeah, I love you too" she giggled, hugging him. " Please don't let us fight again" Rach moaned, kissing him on the cheek.

" I'll make sure of it" Benji laughed, "Lets get you home you're freezing!" "Oh and one last thing, Rach" he spoke softly, "Move in with me"

Rach gasped "Are you serious?!" she cried.

"Of course..but if you don't wanna..then.." he mumbled

"Of course I do silly!" she cried, wrapping herself around him

Chapter 11: Great News?

Rach and Benji giggled as they playfully helped each other up the driveway into the house. Benji entered the living room, finding it empty. It was then he noticed a letter lying on the table and immediately he sighed.

He opened the letter and read; " Benji, Thank you for your hospitality. You have become a fine young man and despite what you may think, I am very proud of you. But as Joel said, there is no place for me in either of your lives. I gave up that right when I walked out. I wake up every day regretting all that I've done. I'm truly sorry. Hold on to Rach, you've got a great girl there. I love you son, Dad xx"

"Typical" Benji snorted, "He couldn't even hang around to say goodbye!" "Come on” Rach soothed "We have to go and pack for the tour" Benji smiled. He knew he had to get on with his life.

* * * * * * * * * * Rach ran over to Skye as they approached the tour bus. "Hey honey! How are you?" She enthused, hugging her manically.

"I'm fine. I'm so happy to hear about you and Benji moving in together!" She cried, returning the hugs.

"I know! We're really good at the moment" she smiled, gasping as she noticed a diamond ring adorning Skye's wedding finger.

"Is that what I think it is?" She questioned, grabbing Skye's hand. Skye blushed.

"Yeah… well he only asked me last night so you're the first to know" she grinned.

"And of course I'm your bridesmaid" she laughed.

"Naturally!" Skye confirmed, laughing. An hour later, and the guys were having celebratory drinks in the tour bus lounge. Billy and Skye had wanted a quiet engagement…! The conversation flowed, but Rach felt uneasy.

"Skye, can we talk?"

"Sure" Skye replied, leading Rach outside.

* * * * * * * * * * "You've got to tell him," Skye pleaded as Rach confided in her.

"But…. I don't know how to, I've ruined everything" Rach sobbed. Skye hugged her.

"You haven't! But he has a right to know!"

"I know" Rach sounded down, but she knew what she had to do.

Chapter 12: New beginnings

"Benji, we need to talk" Rach said mournfully.

"Sure, let's go into the other room" Rach followed a nervous looking Benji. "Benji you know how much I love you, but there's something I have to tell you."

"OK" Benji said, concerned. Rach took in some deep breaths. She was going to ruin his life.

"Benji… I'm… pregnant" she said quietly. Benji was shocked.

Me? A dad? He thought to himself. Rach sat in an awkward silence until she couldn't take it any longer.

"I understand if you don't want anything to do with it…man…I've ruined everything! I'm sorry" She cried. Benji laughed. He had to.

"Don't be so stupid!" "This is perfect! We'll make a great team!" he enthused, planting a kiss on Rach's head. She smiled as they went to join the others.

* * * * * * * * * * * Later that night, the guys were on stage playing the first night of the tour. Skye and Rach looked on in pride as their boyfriends wowed the crowd. As Rach thought about how far she had come, a nervous looking Benji stepped up to the mic.

"I just found out tonight that I'm gonna be a daddy" he smiled. The crowd cheered.

"And I just wanna say, Rach, we've got through a lot together, but this is the perfect beginning to the end of our troubles. I love you."

The crowd went crazy as Benji spoke those words. Rach smiled as she wiped away a tear. She felt the same way she couldn't be happier as the intro to 'riot girl' began. She laughed. It was her favourite song. She placed a hand over her stomach and thought about her life ahead. And for once she wasn't scared…