What are you waiting for?
A
pale and confused reflection stood before his eyes as he studied his appearance
in the bathroom mirror.
His
dark, tired eyes had clearly seen better days and his mind failed to differ much
in comparison.
“I
hate this” Joel thought as he ran a hand through his limp and unwashed hair.
He
sighed a deep, and heart breaking sigh as he thought back to the previous night.
Well, the little he could remember. It was another drug and alcohol induced
blur. He hated himself for his actions, but he was just another wasted statistic
in the rock and roll world. He’d gotten caught up in the all too familiar
scene of varying drugs and copious amounts of alcohol. He’d never been much of
a drinker in his adolescent days, despite the troubles he has faced. Drugs were
never something he’d associated himself with, despite their availability.
But when GC took off to the dizzy heights of fame, Joel lost control, despite the promises he ‘d made to himself. He has let himself become controlled by others, and for a time he didn’t care. He revelled in the attention and love thrust his way. But those superficial groupies and fame seekers knew nothing of the real Joel. And right now, Joel knew nothing much of himself either. He’d changed, and he didn’t like what now stared back at him.
He
took a deep breath and looked slowly over past the empty pill and beer bottles
to his unmade bed.
He
stared intently at the slim and fragile figure that lay peacefully in a deep
sleep. Her eyes fluttered restlessly, as if in a dream, “probably one without
me” Joel cursed himself angrily. It was Kate. The only consistent thing in his
life. She was his sweetheart, cheesy but true. She was the only girl who looked
past the image and saw the real Joel. But she sure played hard to get! They’d
had a few ups and downs, but shared two happy years together.
Well,
that was until recently. In the past few months Kate had witnessed Joel begin
his downward spiral. She hated seeing him like this, and didn’t Joel know it.
She’d
spend dawn sitting up in bed, sobbing quietly to herself, looking back over old
photographs and letters. Sometimes she’d mutter her despair over Joel,
desperate for someone to intervene. She thought that no one would ever hear
these cries, but she was wrong. Joel heard every word, and hated himself even
more as every soul-destroying sob racked her body.
Joel
moved from the mirror and kneeled on the stained carpet beside her. He stroked
her soft, blonde hair and stared at her beautiful, but worn face.
Dark circles shrouded her once sparkling eyes, and her forehead displayed
lines that hardened her face.
She’d
no longer been hid girlfriend, she’d become the girl who’d watch Joel drink
himself into a state, carry his wasted body to bed and grudgingly clean up the
vomit that adorned the floor.
Her
life no longer lovingly revolved around Joel, instead she sat awaiting the next
call from Benji to say that Joel was in a gutter somewhere, and needed to be
taken home. It was either that or a call from some girl o say she’d hooked up
with Joel the previous night. Kate didn’t know what to believe anymore and let
herself sink into a deeper depression.
There
was a time when she’d imagined marrying Joel and having the 2.4 children
image.
But
that seemed a long way off. She was struggling to make another day with Joel,
never mind a lifetime. But her love for him kept her there and the fear of what
he could possibly become without her.
Joel
seemed to read these thoughts as he studied her tear-stained face. He wanted to
be with her so much, but the new Joel had changed things. He’d become
withdrawn, ill tempered, his only concerns being his next joint or drink.
He
was pushing her away, but felt there was no way out of this crazed existence. He
was ashamed to admit that he had cheated on her, with any groupie who showed a
remote interest in him. But he was often too spaced out to care. But she came
back every time and he made the same empty promises that were all too easily
broken in this existence. But he was trapped, and felt every bit more
claustrophobic as the days passed by, as painfully as ever.
A
tear fell down his weathered cheek as he thought of his life. His Mom would be
crushed if she knew the truth, and his Father was probably doing the same
things, day in, day out. But he couldn’t blame him for this any longer, this
was his entire fault.
He
choked back pending tears as he kissed his finger and placed it softly on
Kate’s cheek. He couldn’t do this to her anymore, she deserved everything
more.
He
let the tears fall onto the bed sheets as he got up and scanned the room for
something.
“I
love you,” He whispered, weakly, taking one last look at Kate, as he picked up
the many packets of tablets and left the room.
Chapter
2- the bitter end?
Kate
stirred and glanced at the clock on her neat bedside cabinet. She sighed and
buried herself in the sheets. It didn’t matter what time, or even day it was.
Kate knew what was going to happen. But something was different about today. She
had some news for Joel. Some serious, life-altering news.
Her
delight at it was soon masked by the state of her current life. No way was Joel
fit to be a Father right now, harsh words, but Kate knew the truth. Her heart
ached as she thought about all of this, “If only this had come a few years
earlier, then maybe things would be different, but maybe this will change
things!” she thought to herself as she sleepily turned over in bed to be
greeted by empty space.
Her
stomach turned nervously. Joel never usually got up before her; in fact he
usually depended on her to help him. She took in a deep breath and got up,
slowly moving across the room towards the bathroom, with its light blinding and
irritating Kate’s eyes.
She
groaned and pushed open the heavy door, expecting to see a hung over Joel with
his head oh-so-gracefully down the toilet.
Instead
she let out an ear-piercing scream, steadying herself on the towel rack, as she
searched for her phone. Her hands trembled violently as she franticly dialled
the first number she could recall. She could feel the sweat drenching her brow
and the sickness return instantly to her stomach as she heard Benji’s familiar
voice on the receiving end of her early morning call.
“Benji”
she blurted out hysterically.
“Please…Round
here…quick!” she cried uncontrollably as she stared at the lifeless body
that lay before her. She dropped the phone in her hysteria and crashed to the
floor. Her heart breaking with sobs, she sent erratic punches into Joel’s
body, frantically searching for signs of life within him.
Chapter
3 - Emotionless
Benji
placed his head in his hands and played erratically with his lip ring. He always
did this when he was nervous. The clock ticked endlessly behind him, and every
other sound faded into a blur. He didn’t even know what to say, think or feel
for that matter.
His
head was spinning a million thoughts as he paced the dark and cold corridor.
Despite the million thoughts polluting his mind, Benji could only think of one
thing. Joel’s pale and lifeless face as he was carried away by the ambulance
men.
“How
could I have let this happen?” he cursed himself repeatedly. He knew something
like this was destined to happen, but he also knew that he had been powerless to
prevent it.
Benji
was crashed back down to earth when an emotional Kate burst through the dark
wooden doors.
“He’s
ok,” she sobbed, Benji immediately pulling her into a tight hug.
Benji
breathed a deep sigh of relief whilst mustering up the little strength he had to
comfort a shattered Kate.
Benji
felt numb. He was running on no sleep, and no matter how hard he tried, he could
not get that horrific image of Joel to exit his hazed head.
“Shall
we go see him?” Benji soothed, placing an arm around Kate’s shaking
shoulders.
“Yeh…ok”
Kate muffled, looking desperately into Benji’s eyes, searching for an answer
to this mess. Benji steadied her as they made their way into the cold, sickly
green room. He looked across the room to see his brother sitting up weakly in
bed. They looked at each other for a moment, waiting for someone to say
something. Benji saw the wires and tubes connected to his brother and
immediately ran to his bedside, grabbing him into a tight hug.
It
was then that Joel cried, and really cried. All of his inhibitions disappeared
as he filled the room with heart breaking cries.
Benji
let got too. This pain was all too familiar and raw for him to hold in.
They
stopped, and look at each other for a moment. Joel saw the hurt in Benji’s
eyes and realised exactly what he had done.
“I’ve
messed up, haven’t I?”
Joel
muttered, staring shamefully at his brilliant white bed sheets.
Benji
nodded. “I just don’t understand it all dude” he spoke quietly in reply.
“I mean, I knew you were excessing, but I thought you’d sort it out, at
least for your love of Kate.” He spoke sternly.
They
both glanced over to Kate, who had been withdrawn until now.
“I
know, dude, I know. I’ve messed up and I’m sorry for al the stuff I’ve put
you guys through. But I’ll sort myself out, I promise. I can’t go on like
this any longer.”
Benji
placed a hand on Joel’s shoulder.
“And
we’ll be with you every step of the way” he enthused.
Joel
smiled, but saddened as he looked over at Kate, desperately searching for some
kind of reaction.
“I
do love you Kate, more than anything in this world” He spoke weakly, on the
verge of tears, “we can get through this, can’t we?” he asked hopefully.
Kate sighed and looked up slowly from the floor to Joel’s pale face.
“Joel,
I’m pregnant.”
Chapter
4 – Letting go
Joel’s
head spun as those few words entered his head. He looked helplessly at an
equally confused Benji.
“Honey…
are you sure?” he managed to blurt out in his daze.
Kate
sighed.
“
I know its bad timing, Joel, but I’m sure. I couldn’t quite believe it
myself.”
Joel
took in some deep breaths.
“I
will sort things out…I need to…But I’ll understand if you can’t take me
back”
Kate
sniffed.
“I
need to know that you really will do it this time, Joel. You’ve made empty
promises before.”
Joel
sighed. He felt ashamed.
“So
that’s it?” He asked gloomily.
At
this, Kate rushed to his bedside and looked intently into his eyes.
“No”
she said, pulling him into a slow kiss.
Joel
smiled inside as she kissed him. Why had he done all this? Kate was all he
needed.
He
smelt her familiar perfume as they hugged, burying themselves in the comfort of
each other’s arms.
Kaye
pulled away and spoke shyly.
“But
I think we should cool it off for a while, just until you sort yourself out.”
Joel
nodded in silent agreement.
Kate
placed a hand over Joel’s palpitating heart, and spoke, her voice full of
emotion;
“I
love you Joel, and I always will. Remember that.”
Joel
smiled, unsure how to feel.
“Right
back at ya!” he smirked slightly, stroking Kate’s face with a shaking hand.
At
this, a nurse entered the room, brandishing pamphlets for counselling and
various help groups for Joel.
Benji
followed in soon after, bringing with him food and drink.
Later
that evening, Paul, Billy and Chris also visited a strengthening Joel.
“I
can do this,” he thought to himself, surrounded by his lifeblood of friends
and family.
He
couldn’t remember a time when he was this happy and relaxed without being
wasted.
By
2am, everyone has gone home except Kate.
Instead,
she lay in the bed with Joel, his hands sweetly cradling her stomach,
occasionally reaching up to her loose hair and running their way slowly through
it.
Kate
felt relaxed for once. There were no drugs, no alcohol, no pain, no fighting,
just her and Joel, bodies relaxed and intertwined.
It
was in this moment of peace that Kate felt a great hope for the future. She
smiled to herself; sure that Joel felt the same.
Chapter
5- Hard Goodbyes
Kate
cried effortlessly as she packed up the remainder of her belongings. She
didn’t want it to be this way, but she knew that there was no other option. It
was either this, or stand by and watch Joel destroy himself again. She
couldn’t do that, she loved him too much to let it all happen again.
She
walked slowly into the living room to find Joel reading a book. She giggled as
she read the title;
“How
to be a good Father” Joel looked up and smiled.
He
walked over to Kate and kneeled on the floor; cradling his hands around her
expanding stomach and kissed it softly.
“Heya
there, I’m your Daddy and I can’t wait to see you!”
Kate
burst into a fit of giggles.
“What?!”
Joel said, embarrassed slightly, “It says that you should talk to the baby so
your voice is familiar.” Joel justified, motioning towards the book.
Kate
ran a hand through his hair,
“I
think it’s cute” she smiled planting a kiss on his cheek.
Joel
sighed and pulled Kate in close.
“I’m
gona miss you” he soothed, breathing in her familiar perfume one last time.
Kate
stifled the tears and attempted a smile for Joel.
“I’m
gona miss you too” she spoke quietly, memorising every inch of his face as she
spoke.
They
stood, just looking at each other for a while until a cough was heard.
“Hey
guys, umm its time for us to head off Kate.” It was Benji.
Kate
took a deep breath and picked up her bags.
She
gave Joel a final kiss and scanned the room, taking in her surroundings for one
last time.
Chapter
6 – I know you want to stay…
Kate
woke one sunny morning, to be greeted by a sloppy kiss from none other than
Cashdogg.
She
giggled, and as she did so, felt a twinge in her stomach. She smiled and placed
a hand over her now rather large stomach.
She
was now 8 months pregnant and ready to burst by the minute. She smiled as she
thought about how great things were going.
Her
baby was growing healthily, she felt happy, relaxed and was surrounded by the
people she loved dearly everyday.
Best
of all, her and Joel were like how they used to be when they began dating.
Although
they had agreed to be just friends for now, Kate was glad of their closeness.
They
would phone each other everyday, laughing, joking and recalling memories.
Sometimes Kate would hold the receiver to her stomach so Joel could talk
nonsense to their baby.
Kate
loved every minute of it; in fact, right now she loved every minute of her life.
He
heart leapt into her mouth as she received a message from Joel one night.
“Heya
hun, Its Joel. I’m missing you loads, how about we meet up tonight? The beach
at 7? Okay, I’ll see ya later.”
Kate
smiled as she reached for her jacket and headed through the dark night to the
beach.
Chapter
7- One more night with you
Joel
stuffed his cold hands into his pockets and made his way slowly towards the
beach.
He
smiled to himself as he thought about how far he’d come. He had been clean and
sober for over 7 months now, and was beginning to like what he saw in the mirror
again.
Kate
made it all worthwhile. Just the thought of her and their unborn child gave Joel
the drive he needed to defeat his demons.
He
couldn’t stop the grin from overtaking his face as he approached Kate, who was
standing at the water’s edge looking lost in thought.
“Hey”
He called out, his heart beating in a way that only Kate could make happen.
“Hey!”
she replied, pulling him into a hug.
They
stood, embedded in one another, saying little, but enjoying this intimacy that
they had gone without for so long.
Then,
they sat on the beach, talking about anything and everything.
It
was great to be back in her company, Joel thought as he watched her laugh; she
always looked beautiful when she laughed.
Right
then he prayed that they could have one more chance together, just one more
night with the woman he loved.
Kate
caught sight of his pondering position and reached out for his hand.
They
looked at each other for a moment and Kate felt her breathing increase rapidly
as Joel studied her face.
Kate
took the initiative and leaned in towards Joel. Things had never felt so
uncomplicated as they sat, bringing in the night together.
Chapter
8 – New arrivals
Kate
woke up the nest morning finding herself wrapped in Joel’s familiar arms.
She
smiled and burrowed her way underneath the bed sheets, wishing that they could
stay like this forever.
Kate
felt a slight pain in her stomach, but ignored it, getting up to make some
breakfast.
She
smiled as she felt a pair of arms wrap themselves around her waist, and lips
plant a kiss on her cheek.
But
as she turned around to return the kiss, the pain in her stomach grew worse and
caused Kate to collapse on the floor.
Joel
rushed beside her desperately searching for an explanation to her pain.
She
felt her waters break and looked helplessly at Joel, who knew exactly what he
had to do.
*************************
Joel
paced the corridor nervously as he awaited news.
His
mood was one of excitement and nerves as she stared longingly at the clock,
wishing that time would pass quicker. Just then, a figure burst through the
wooden doors, approaching Joel excitedly.
“It’s
a boy!” the figure exclaimed loudly, patting Joel on the back in a
congratulatory manner.
Joel
rushed down the corridor, a million thoughts rushing through his head.
“I’m
a dad!” he cried excitedly to anyone who would listen, to be returned with
polite smiles at his outburst.
He
rushed into Kate’s room and stopped in his tracks as he saw Kate sitting up in
bed, cradling their newborn son.
She
motioned Joel towards the bed and he took slow steps towards the amazing sight
before his eyes.
He
sat on the edge of the bed, an arm around Kate’s shoulder and the other
nervously cradling his tiny, peaceful and beautiful son.
“Wow”
he mumbled, looking and his son and Kate simultaneously.
Kate
smiled and kissed him softly, “I know!” she replied in amazement.
Joel
had now realised the meaning of life, and it lay right beside him, and he would
never, ever let it go…
