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SELF DEFENSE!

Getting your candy ass kicked all the time sucks, so you have to teach your candy ass how to kick back. Or how to self-defend yourself.

The Basic Stance
First, you have to learn the right way to stand. Stand with two feet on the ground. That's the best way to stand. It's easy and comfortable. Plus, if you have to fall down or something, you're already standing up, so you're in the perfect position.

The Ball Kick
This is the move that my whole self-defense program is based on. It's just a quick kick motion directly to the balls. Really fast and really hard. Right in the balls. Just make sure you always try to get into fights with people who have balls.

Play Dead
Sometimes, if you ignore a problem, it goes away. So if you suddenly play dead while somebody's kicking your ass, they'll go away. Sometimes.

The Stomp
If you have to self-defend yourself against bugs and stuff, or like one of those flowers that's got pointy things on it, or like a guy who's already down on the ground, you can do the stomp. It really hurts.

Friendship
After you've self-defended yourself, try to be friends with that person. That way they won't want to kick your ass again and you can just get on with your life. Put it all behind you. Get on. Behind. Heh heh.

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