Today has been a day much like many I've had recently. I didn't have to go to school, but I still had to get up early, cause I had to go to the hospital. I'm having a biopsy on Tuesday, and they had to ask a bunch of questions as far as anastesia and such goes. Fortunantly I got out of there by 1:30 or so. Afterwards we went to the Pizza Hut nearby... not too wild on pizza, but my grandmother was hungy, and I really don't care anyways. We then went to Anapolis Mall, which I really wasn't up to, cause I was dead tired. At least I got some new CDs, Lynyrd Skynyrd's Lyve from Steel Town and the Monty Python Sings album. The Skynyrd CD is really cool, especially since I paid $15 and it's a double CD and enhanced as well. After that I came home and have basically waisted my time since. I painted a litle, added some lyrics to an old song of mine, which was way overdue. Sometimes I wonder if there isn't anything better I could be doing with my time. All the people I usually talk to online are at the prom today. At least I won't be bugged anymore for not going. Tommorow the band might come by. I don't get to see half of them very often anymore, especially since I've been missing so much school lately, with the cancer and all. Even if I were in school, I probably wouldn't see them much... I no longer have any classes with Spook, and I never had any with Big Daddy to start with. I see Duchee (Paul's new nickname, for those of you who haven't caught on yet) occasionally cause I have a double period fifth and sixth period, but the second period thereof my class just does independent work (which I rarely do). Duchee's Spanish class comes in during that second class and uses the room (it's an ITV class, and it's the only ITV room, so everything has to be shared). Listening to this Skynyrd album really has me thinking that we should cover "Sweet Home Alabama." But the more songs I write, the more I want to get away from the covers. The only problem with that is that at this stage, very few people are going to want to hear our original material, and would probably appreciate songs that they've heard before. I've really found that I've been getting too many female friends lately. Not that I really mind the friendships, hell, for the most part, I'm more comfortable talking to females than with males. I just am getting tired of the same shit day in and day out. I'm sick and tired of hearing about crappy boyfriends and new clothes. TJ was talking about how girls our age like to complain about their boyfriends. I hadn't really noticed it until he brought it up. I'm getting my tooth pulled Monday. It's just one great event after another for me isn't it. Like my life wasn't bad enough before I had cancer. But I shouldn't bitch about it, it won't do me any good anyhow. Hehe, I love to use bad grammer. Although I think that one may have been brought on the the Skynyrd. School's over in less than three weeks. That both gladdens and saddens me. I realize that I'm not going to see a lot of people that I have come to consider friends after graduation. I don't know what I'm going to do without them. I hate the fact that I have a dependency on human contact. I especially hate the fact that I have the need for intimate human contact, but this is the last place where I want to get into that. I used to be able to make friends with somebody and then never talk to them a year later, and it would never affect me. I guess that's what happens when you go to a school where all the kids are children of parents in the military. People were always moving, and whenever I would make a friend, either they would move, or I would. I still remember when I went back there the summer after I moved away. I went to see some of my old friends. It was so cool, especially since all the friends I had made here I really didn't like to much (the only one I even occasionally still talk to is Brian Conaway, which isn't always the most pleasant thing, but boy can the man keep that ball out of the net). That reminds me of when I used to play soccer for Andrew's AFB. I just recently found out that in the final game of one season, I played against a team which featured my brother's girlfriend, three years before they even got together. A little wierd. That would be five years ago then. Seems longer. Most of the time I get really worried about rambling on like this, but today for some reason I don't care. Maybe I'm depressed and I don't really know it. Hehe, now seems like a time when I would usually mention somebody that I don't know that well, just so when they see this (not that they ever would) that they would feel "all stupid happy inside." I think that for once in my life, I have a group of friends I can rely on, and in August I have to start all over again. That kinda scares me, cause I know that if I meet new people I'll change myself. That usually wouldn't bother me, being accustomed to change as I am, but it's taken a long time for me to become who I am, and I'm for the first time in my life semi happy about it. Lord, I can't believe that it's been over two years since I've this actively "flirted." Spending over two years hung up on one person or another with no rest period really is not cool, especially if it's all unrequited. I really need to get out of here. "Let's just drive your car/ we can drive all day/ let's just get the hell away from here/... just a name on the map, sounds like heaven to me." I wish there was a Summerland around here. I'd go there and do something cool. Or at least a Nehalem, that would rock too. Afraid to live in the day. I wish I could be nocturnal sometimes. I love that picture in the liners for "Daydream Nation" (that's Sonic Youth for those of you who don't know, and shame on you for not knowing it). The one where they're standing at that corner in New York. Just a captured moment of time... night time none the less. It's so serene, in such an unserene enviornment. It calms me almost everytime I see it... I wish I could get a poster like that. That picture makes me want to become a photographer sometimes. I remember when I wanted to be a physisist. I'm glad I went throught that phase, cause it left me with a lot of good qualities, logic being the best of them. But I'm glad I'm through it. For some reason I've become enraptured with my artistic side. It's a little weird, cause I have no idea of where it came from. Nobody else in my family does much artisticly, unless you call hanging drywall art. Maybe it's all the time I spend alone, with nothing to do. In my past I have written stories (long and short), drawn, painted, written poetry (far too much of it if you consider the quality), written songs, thought out plays and such, and even envisioned music videos (and mine would kick the asses of the crap that's out there today). Boy, I must really be bored and lonely. You'd think I'd be used to it by now, wouldn't you? Brings me back to Summerland. Perfuntory life is so depressing, but for some reason the world decided that that's the way it oughta be. We're thinking of changing the name of our band again... Foggy Bottom, like the metro station. I don't know, we'll have to run it by Spooky Joe, or Nathaniel, which I'm thinking of calling him when I want to piss him off. I guess that's pretty mean of me. I've been trying not to be so much of an asshole lately. Natalie said she never noticed that I was one before, but TJ confirmed my suspicions, and I trust him a lot more to tell the truth when it comes to stuff like that. I wonder what a psycologist would think of this kind of writting. It's a little wierd, I've never written for myself before. It's kinda wierd to just write down stuff as your thinking it. Especially since I usually spend nights thinking myself to death. I've always thought of writting an autobiography some day, but I guess people wouldn't really care about my life. Much like nobody gives a damn about this, but as I've already state, I'm doing this for myself, and since I'll be the only person who will ever read this, I guess it's ok. God I love music. Something wonderful about the way it can wieve itself into your consciousness. The piano part to Free Bird is absolutly mesmerizing. And you've got to love the spectrum of music. Just today I was listening to that RATM album that TJ let me borrow. And the fact that that was able to affect me emotionally, but in a totally different way is way too cool. Spook better call me tommorow, that crack head. I really need to work on my piano work. I need to learn that Naulins style piano. Maybe I'll be the next Dr. John. Yea right, I'd have to have talent fot that. God I wish I were better at letting things go. I just can't leave it be. Damn me, damn all the people I know, damn all the people I've loved. I wish I could be more like the typical guy, in need of sex and nothing else. Things would be so much easier then. Damn emotions. I wish all the emotional outlet I needed were some baseball and hunting (althoug hunting would probably just traumatise me). An empty shell seems so easy to crack. Damn.
It's been quite some time since I wrote the last entry. I'm not planning on making this a regular thing, I've just had some recent inspiration (you know who you are, cupycake). I guess I should start with the most important thing... the cancer. Well, it's gone. It's as simple as that. I had a surgeical biopsy that left me with a foot long scar. But it gave us ample proof that the cancer was necrotic (dead). Now life can continue again. I don't know how exactly I feel about that. I guess I should be really happy about it, but I feel exactly like I always have. The thing I enjoy the most is that I don't have to go to the hospital anymore. I guess that's kinda sick. But cancer never really bothered me to start with, it was just another thing in a long list of things that kinda sucked. Hey, I think TJ was talking about this song that's playing on the radio right now. Doesn't sound all that great, but who am I to complain, I can barely manage four original songs, let alone one that gets played on the radio. I just put in Sparkle and Fade. Just thought you'd like to know. Hehe, all of the memebers of my band are in relationships now, or well, sorta. Now I'm faced with the prospect of one, one which would come under odd cercumstances. Not necesarily bad, just different than one would expect. I'm comming off the cancer thing, not neccesarily ready for anything emotionally daunting, and she's the same, comming out of a situation of her own. Only time will tell I guess. "I don't wanna live in the shadow of a twelve step." That line is nothing personal to me, just a line I've never appreciated from this song. This "episode" of "musings" is so totaly different from the last one. This time there are people online to talk to. The only reason I wrote the last one was because there was nobody here. This time I just felt like it. But it all changes my approach. "Swim out past the breakers watch the world die." God I'd love to do that, live beside the ocean, leave the fire behind. Never having to mess with the bull we call life. Well, I guess I'd still have to deal with life, just not society, which more often than not is what makes life such shit. Anyways... there's so much I want to say, but now that I know that people actually read this crap, I feel like I need to hold back a little. I wish I weren't so self-conscious. "We can live, live just how we wanna live." That would be nice. Just go to Summerland, start new with somebody you love. Sometimes I doubt if I'll love. It's been so hard in the past... anyways... hehe, I'm leaving in three months. It's going to be interesting to see how that changes my life. I certainly hope that it will get better, but who wouldn't? "Let's live the way we want to live and hope they go away." I just hope to go right now that for once in my life, things go as I planned them. Senior year was going to be great, but intead it turned into my least favorite year of high school, even if you take the cancer out of consideration. Actually, the cancer made it a little better, because I didn't have to show up at school for most of the second semester. I should be getting my new guitar soon. It's a Taylor 814ce. It's absolutly gorgeous. I was reading a page where people rated the Taylors they owned on a scale from one to ten, and from the twelve entries there was an average score of 9.75, and all the Taylors rated there were of a lower quality than mine. Of course I'm getting mine pretty cheap, relatively. My cousin in Seatle is getting it to me for 40 and then 10 percent off. My cousin is really cool, although I had never really known him until about a year ago. He's much older than I am, in his early thirtees in fact. Last summer I went to visit him for a week, mainly because I had started playing the guitar and he does the same. He was really cool then and has been extremely nice with the cancer and all, even sent me some Hendrix tab books. Which reminds me of how cool everybody has been, or was for that matter. Oh yea, I finaly graduated, last monday. Boy was that borring. But the party I held afterwards was cool. I got to perform with the band, which is always a trip. Of course I realize that I said good-bye for the last time to a lot of people that day. I'm still trying to decide whether being absent so often the last five months helped or hurt that process. On one hand it made the transition easier. On the other hand, I was not properly able to bring many of those friendships to a proper close. It's hard to think that I'll probably never see Ronie again. He was one of the few people I spoke to consistently over four years of high school. We spent four semesters together at lunch tables, the most significant being this year, just two of us in the senior lounge. I remember playing Star Trek the CCG with him in Mr. Pekofsky's class in 9th grade. I remember him dropping random comments on me in Mr. Lackman's class in 10th grade. I remember doing labs with him and Ray in AP Chemistry in 11th grade. I remember how he Chay and I watched Cops and how we would get up in the middle of class and go write stuff on the board in AP European History (it was an ITV class, so the teacher couldn't see what we were doing, and the assistant knew that we were all getting A's in the class anyways, so she didn't really care). True, I never really saw him outside of school, and we probably would not have talked much if we hadn't had so many classes together, but I still care about him, he was a great friend. And he's not the only one I won't see anymore. There are so many. It's raining. It's so beautiful. The sound, the way the lights reflect off the the glistening steet. I'm so glad I had my window open or I might never had noticed. Oh geez, I just spent 5 minutes looking out the window... thinking. Rain helps me think. I wrote a new song the other day... That is to say that I wrote the music, but no lyrics yet. I don't know what to write about. All the songs I've writen are about my personal feelings or are a story about somebodies made up life. I honestly don't know if there is more that I could write about. I could write a song about Traci, but then I would have to commit to what I write, which I'm not ready to do. I really don't know how I feel about the whole situation as it is. I guess I could always change the words as my feelings change, but then all I've accomplished is waisting time. No, I think I'll stay away from that. I think it would freak her out anyways. I'm getting tired, although I shouldn't be, I've only been up about 12 hours. "You're just like an angel, you're skin makes me cry." She's so nice to me, I'm used to being tolerated. Oh well, I'm getting tired of that topic, because there's really not much I can do at this point, except sit back and see what happens. That really frustrates me, and comforts me at the same time. I guess I'm just really messed up right now. Life is just really wierd right now. Only time will tell what will sort out and what won't, and I hate not being in controll of my own destiny. Sometimes I wish I were oblivious to the real world... like so many of the people I observe everyday, people more conserned about the way they look and act than the way they actually are. "Think of all the fun I've missed, think of all the girlies I haven't kissed." They only see the simple things they want to see. I'd love to live on the west coast. The little time I've spent there has been increadible. And I guess there's a real mystic to it. "Lonely and dreaming of the west coast." The way I see it, I'll live every where, spend a year or two somewhere, and then move on somewhere else... see the world, experience the cultures. Then settle down and raise a family. It amazes me when I talk to people like Spook who knows people from kindergarden. He actually interacts with them. I barely talk to anybody I knew from middle school. I just can't imagine living in the same place for so long. I've been here for five years and I'm allready itching to get out of here. Maybe I need some reason to want to stay somewhere, or maybe my German blood just forces me to move around a lot (for those of you who don't know, the term wander lust comes from the Germans). "Oh yea, alright, take it easy baby, make it last all goddamn night, she was an American girl." I really love my kitty, and she's real cute and all, but she's on my bed and I can't get on it until she leaves, and I don't have the heart to make her move. Oh well, I guess I'll just keep typing then. The problem is what I should write about. Again I'm confronted with the self consciousness thing... My damn CD-rom drive won't go into data mode, and TJ surgests getting a new one. I don't have the money now, well, I do, I just need it for my Texas Special pick-ups. That's going to be too cool... then I can rock. This Led Zeppelin IV album is under 30 minutes long. Fortunatly they are a very "rockin'" 28 or so minutes. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just waisting my time playing guitar. I've put so much of my life into it, so much of my soul, so much of my heart, so much of my love. Will it reward me in the end? The odds are against me, as in being a successful musician, but I'm different than most, and always have been. The last five or six years I've had this feeling of certain greatness. That may seem a little egotistical, but those who know me know better. I feel like I'm here for a purpose beyond my control... which scares me. Whether good or bad, people will know my name. What form it will take or to what extent I don't know. Did you know that can openers weren't invented until 1858? You did? Gee, you're smart. I'm so glad I don't have to go to school tommorow. Although it would give me an oppertunity to see all those peole again, to properly say good-bye. All those people I just said "see you round" to. Yea, right. "See you round"... my ass. Oh well, bitching about it isn't going to do me any good. Hey, the cat's gone. I guess I'm leaving now. I hope this was enough for you, cupycake.
This may be one of the most cliched things that is ever said, but with most such things, it's often very true: life sucks. I really can't describe how I feel right now. The closest thing I can think of is utterly alone. It's not that I don't have anybody to talk to, I just don't think there is anybody I want to say the things I want to say to. I just tried writing a song... I came to realize that I hate my own music. Isn't that sad? Everytime I try to write something I end up hating it and hating myself for doing it in the first place. I'm just so bummed now. Nothing is like what I thought it would be. Of couse, that's not saying much, because nothing ever is, but somehow I think I missed something. I know my life could be a lot worse, but I also know it could be a lot better. I can't know this for sure, but I think everybody else's is better, that is at least, the people I know well enough to compare. I just... I don't know... feel like nobody wants me. That's not a good feeling. And now I'm writting it all here for what seems to me to be a pointless reason. Dan Quisenberry died of a brain tumor yesterday. That's so sad. I have to think of his wife and kids and how they feel right now. I'm glad I'm not going through that, but my brothers Lee and Mike are. Thier mother was diagnosed with cancer, and they say she has no chance of survival. I mean, they've rarely seen her in the past 20 years or so, but she's their mother. I'm glad it was me who had the cancer, and not somebody in my family... I could never have handled that. People shouldn't have to go through that kind of torture. But that's why life sucks. I'm so tired, but I know that if I tried to sleep I'd torture myself by thinking about... well, something. It's been bothering me for so long, and I can't seem to shake it. I go to sleep every night wondering why it can't be different. I had a dream the other day that I was still in High School... the whole experience of high school was so innocent. I just wish there were some way I could make things better, and I know there are... I'm just not willing to do them. Why do I have to feel? Life would be great if I could just be, and not have to worry about being loved or cared about, or even hated. Sometimes I would rather people hate me than feel the way the do about me. Fuck this all... I'm so sick and tired of everything. I'm sick and tire of being sick and tired. For some reason that line always bothered me. I see all these people going on about their lives, they have no idea how little they mean to anything. In a short time they will be people that thier grandchildren will tell thier grandchildren about. Life is so devoid of meaning. I guess that sounds cynical, but it's true. I can't think of one good reason just to go and walk for the rest of my life... kinda like forrest gump, just start running. I hate myself. I hate everything about me and everything I do. Don't know why, I just do. I guess it could be that it's not me and that everybody else is fucked up. I don't give a fuck anyways, things are the way they are and I can't do much to change them, and even if I did it wouldn't matter. In the end it'll all be back to normal anyways. God I hate normal. If I were normal I'd be happy. At least happier than I am now. I've got to be the one fucking loser in the world. I'm thinking of getting "chicks hate me" branded on my chest. That would hurt, but I don't care, and neither would anybody else. We're living our dreams, whow you're on top, my mind is aching, oh lord it won't stop... Why did Stevie Ray Vaughan have to die? I know that that question can't be answered, and that it never will be. I've been asking myself if I fear death. Should I? Fear of death is mearly fear of the unknown, and it's not really unknown to me. I better leave now, I have calc tommorow, which I'm failing, so I need my sleep.
Well, when I wrote the first one of these I never thought I would write a second one, let alone a fourth. But the second one I was kinda talked into, and the third troubled so many people that I'm writing this one. I guess I just wanted to let everybody know that I'm happier now than when I wrote that last one. You see, I've made a very good friend. Her name is Vivan. She helped me through a very tough time there. I don't know what will become of our friendship, but I hope nobody gets hurt. I don't know what more I really want to say about all that. I do feel better now. Generally not as bad, although I wouldn't really call myself happy. I guess I'm not sure what that is anyways. I'm really frustrated with school right now. I'm doing all this work for classes that aren't going to do shit for me when I start my comp sci career. And all this work for other classes is keeping me from concentrating on the Comp Sci work. I just don't understand the reasoning behind general recquirements in college. It just sucks, that's all. I won my warhammer battle for the tournament that's going on right now. It was pretty cool to win because nobody thought I would. Sunday is Valentine's Day. That's gonna be wierd. Valentine's day is actually a day for catholics, which is something I never knew before. It's the celebration of St. Valentine. Apparently during roman times they wouldn't let young men get married because haveing a family made soldiers weeker or whatever, so they outlawed marriage... This priest (or whatever he was) Valentine went ahead and married people anyways. I wonder if they put the microwave back in downstairs. I'm kinda hungry. I'm confused. I don't know what I want. Between all these options, I don't know what I want. I'm lost. This sucks, but at least it's a better lost than I've experienced before. And this "musings" isn't very good, because I feel like I'm walking on glass here. I guess I now know that peopel actually read this crap. I just don't feel like I can say what I want to say. So maybe this isn't real then. So why am I doing this? Lord, I hate annaliyzing shit. All I know is that I ever meet god I'm gonna be bitching for a couple of hours. I don't know... I guess I've said that a lot. I wish there were someone here to talk to... there's nobody online. I feel so lonely. I guess I just want someone to talk to. I need someone to clear up whats going through in my head... and heart. It's confusing. I'm lost. I said that before. I feel like I'm going in circles, and I probably am. I wish someone would write me some e-mail... I wish people would say what they're thinking/feeling. Why do we hide these things from eachother. Shouldn't we just say what we feel? I mean, why the fuck not? But I can't do it myself. So why should I expect it of others? I really need to loose some weight. I eat too much I guess. Got my Rio yesterday, it kicks ass. I can't wait till school's over. Jerry Springer is so gay. I hate that show, and I hate very few things outside of the music industry. I think I'm gonna wear my "Chicks Hate Me" shirt tommorow. I think I'm gonna get a gun and name it "Betsy." That was a joke, I'm not much of a gun guy. I think I'm gonna go now, I feel like shit. I just... I need... I don't want to say it.
I'm so tired. yea, please don't yell at me. I wish things would go right once. I love it when I become intimatly acquainted with an album... so when I listen to it it's like I'm making love to the music. Sometimes I just will sit down and turn off the lights and put on the earphones and just listen to the music. It's like a musical sensory deprivation tank. I feel so bad doing another one of these. People do love them though... people are weird. Swimming in the heavy water, burried in the sand, happy hearts fall from my stupid hands. I wish I understood love, or that I at least could controll it. Life would be a lot easier that way. I guess some people love the spontinaity of it, but those people haven't been burned enough. But I guess I'm not really one to give an unbiased oppinion, considering that I've never had a remotly positive experience with it. I mean, a lot of people say that, but they've at least had good times related to it, but I literally have had nothing good ever come from it. I never gained anything I didn't have before, no fun days of hanging out with someone that loved me and just in general feeling good about it, even if it was a contained moment. I can honestly say I've never enjoyed a moment of any of it. But that's me and nobody else, so I guess I should fuck off. I've been looking for easy ways out lately... something to forget whats going on now... "she'd do anything to give me what I need for my disease"... yea, my disease... I just need to find "her"... I fucking hate needing companionship. I always try to tell myself that I don't need other people, that I'd be perfectly fine living alone for the rest of my life. I guess that's kinda sick. I guess I'm just a sick person. I wish I knew what it was that makes it so hard for other people (women) to love me. Sometimes I feel like I'm getting more and more anti-social. I'm now starting to alienate my friends too, instead of just random people. Maybe I will end up alone after all. No big loss I guess, it's not like anybody else would give a damn. I know some of you are out there now dissagreeing with that last statement, but it's all bull shit. you'd grieve for a week or two because you'd miss the ego boost I gave you, and then you'd go about your lives like I never existed in the first place. Women are all fucking hypocrites. yea stop bitching and whinning cause you know its true. as a matter of fact, all people are hypocrites, but women in particular are bad, and this isn't something that excludes some women, it encompasses all. Every time a girl I know describes what she thinks is a "perfect" guy, she turns around and is attracted to the exact opposite. It fucking pisses me off, because every time I hear that description I'm like, "hey, that sounds a little like me." But fuck no, not me. Guess I'm just not good enough. Yes, that was sarcasm... as far as I'm concerned I'm too good for any of you. You should all be fucking groveling on your knees just when I talk to you. I want to get away from here so bad. There's got to be someplace better than this. As soon as I can I'm relocating the band as far away from here as possible. I'm really starting to hate women in general. I used to enjoy thier company, but now I feel like puking every time I have to be near one. Women always claim the maturity high ground, and in some cases they have a point, but I think in a deaper underlying sence, they really lack any kind of common sense. I don't know, maybe it's just that was with all people and I've just had "deeper" experinces with my intereactions with women. To be honest I'm usually more open wiht women, although I don't know why. Maybe I just am looking for someone thats more likely to hurt me... ok, spooks bothering me now so I'm going to quit.
Ok, I've decided that this will be the last of these things that I do. When I did the first one I had absolutely no intention of doing more, but I was persuaded by several sources to continue doing more. But this is the last time I believe. I am doing this one by my own free will, without any persuasion. I guess I'm actually writing this one addressing the readers. I know that reading this page all at once you get to see many different sides of me, which was never intentional, just kind of happened. Those of you that know me personally know that I don't fake who I am or what I feel. I don't pretend to be depressed to get pitty (although I have in the past, and I see a lot of peoeple that do do that), I don't pretend to be happy for someone else's sake. I speak my mind and usually people are fine with it. Anyways, I don't know why I wrote that, just thought some people might like to know. I guess I just wanted to say things are ok. And although things might not always seem to go my way, and maybe I'm not always the happiest person or the most fun to be around, but in the end I'll be ok. In my own screwed up little way I'll be ok. It's like when you listen to a great piece of music and everythign seems to be right with the world.... and then the song ends and you just feel like everything's going to be ok. I don't know if anybody else feels that way under the same circumstances, but I'm sure sometimes you feel like that, and that's what keeps us going. That hope that one day everything will be ok. That one day you'll be able to be happy with your life, even if everything seems wrong now and not quite right. Now I can't say if it will happen, I mean, some people might live thier entire lives in misery, but I know I'm going to be ok. However I go about it, however much pain I still have to endure, how many more times I will wish things were different, and how many more times I wonder if this is how things were meant to be. I know that I may say often in the future that things aren't going to be ok, or that maybe life didn't turn out quite right, but I know now things are ok... are going to be ok. I can't say what we were meant to do with our lives, or if we as a species are doing the right thing, but for some reason I have the feeling that before I die, all things will fall into place. I don't think I'll ever love again, but I guess that's how things were meant to be. Maybe the love I have now will last forever, for good or for bad, but I'll be ok. I have my friends, I have my family, I have my music, and as long as I have that things are good enough. The universe really is a wonderful and misterious place. I hope to see much more of it before I die. I want to see the Milky Way from outside of it... maybe from a telescope on another planet in another galaxy. And maybe I'll be able to look down and see the people I love and care about and see how important they are and how everything will be ok. And maybe I can do that now, because everybody has their own universe. I held a human brain a couple months ago, and as I was standing there I thought, "I hold in my hands the entire sum of all experiences in this person's life. Every love, every joy, every hate, every pang of pain and sudden burst of love when he saw the one he loved from across a crowded room (and yes, we knew the gender of the person, so don't get all he/she on me)." It's extrordiary how small a mass holds our universe in tact. Just think some time of what another person is seeing. Just pick someone out of a crowd and think what it is like to be them... the stresses of thier job, the argument they had with their mother that's been knawing at them, the loved one they will see later in the day and how they long for that time to come. Think of the choices that are going through thier head... think of what they think may be the right thing to do, but maybe not the best thing for them. Think that they may be facing the exact same decisions you are and that they can empithise with you. I've done that quite a bit lately, and it's helped me realize that I'm really not all that unique, but that that's ok. I've learned that maybe I shouldn't worry so much about this or that, but that I should concentrate on what really matters, and to try to exert myself to do the best I can and to be the best I can. That I should try to do what's right, even if it hurts me. There is something that I want so badly now, but I know that it's not my right to try to take it or force it for myself. Even if it means I'm going to end up some weirdo that sits around in the back of symphony halls for the rest of my life and listens to Beethoven's Fifth run through my mind over and over. I have to let people do what they think is best for themselves, and then maybe I can try to fit myself in there somewhere. And I can't always do what I think is best, because someone may not think the same way. And maybe I need to keep what's best to myself, because sometimes people need to learn for themselves. I need to learn for myself. There is so much I have yet to accomplish, so much I need to do, so much I haven't done yet. So many people I have to meet, so many people who's hands I have to hold and who's feet I have to rub (hehe). Things are going to be allright. They have to be, because then I'd be wrong, and I've never been wrong. I've done things that were wrong, and I've definatly made bad choices with/about my feelings, but these things I'm never wrong about. Just remember, that every now and then, stick your head up and see what's happening around you, it's life, don't let it pass you by. It's life, the greatest thing in the world, because without life there is no love and no joy, no happiness... no pain, or anger, or hate, but without those things, how would we know that those others are so great? There is so much I want to say, to feel, to express... I just wish I could just put this all in your head so you could understand, to let you feel what I feel, to know what I know is write and should be... to understand where I'm comming from... but I think we'd all like to be able to share ourselves like that. Maybe we just need to sit around and listen to each other a little more. I recenlty discovered that two people can have a real connection and can learn about eachother and enjoy eachothers comany, all without the benefit of a TV or a computer, or anythign else. Try it some time. Just sit down with someone and talk, don't hold anything back. Just go at it, it's a wonderful experience. My grandfather is seriously ill now. He is scheduled for multiple bypass surgeries. When I learned how ill he is I regretted not listening to him more. He is such and insightful man, such a loving man. I think if all people were more like him that maybe the world would make sense, and maybe if we all try really hard, we can be more like him. He used to always tell me stories when I was a child... fairy tales, and when I tried to tell them to my friends I could never quite get it right. He has this real knack for telling things in a way that you care about the characters... he has this way of talking where you just want to curl up on the floor and listen and pretend you were there, to get away from the life, away from your worries, and away from all teh bad people, and illnesses, and that mean kid that stole your favorite toy that day. I'm so glad I went to visit him last summer. I hope very much that I get to see him again. I love him very much. I guess this is how life is supposed to work though. We go through life attempting to build connections and to leave peices of ourselves for future generations to possibly learn from us. And I know that as long as I live I will tell people about my grandfather, and how he used to tell me his stories... and maybe when I get old I can gather my grandchildren around me and tell them the stories he told me... and then I can tell them, "my grandfather used to tell me that story when I was a kid, and I can only hope that I have told it only half as well as he did." I truly believe that I will never see the likes of him again in my life, and the same goes for my father, who is an extordinary man himself. I guess the whole point of me saying this all is that maybe we should listen to our elders a little more often. I honestly think that we don't really know much about the world until we've had grandchildren, I believe that that's really when the cycle becomes complete. I guess I've given enough advice for now. And I guess now I'll end this thing. I must say now that the end is here, I'm kind of sad to let this thing go. Although I usually resented the fact that that was all anybody seemed to care about on my site. But all good things must come to an end.... so if you meet me have some curtisy, have some sympathy and some taste, use all your well learned politics, or I'll lay your soul to waste... so long everyone, and maybe we'll talk real soon, and turn off the TV and just sit and talk, and if you're real nice, you'll let me rub your feet. Until then, enjoy life, keep a smile on your face, and know that everything is going to be ok. :-)
Wednesday August 11th
Tick-tock tick-tock... I've been thinking about doing another one of these, but when Traci requested it I thought about changing my mind, just to spite her. (that was a joke btw)... But I guess if it's gonna look like I'm kissing someones ass it might as well be one as nice as hers ;-). Anyways, I'm not quite sure why I wanted to write this. Life is real slow now, very borring. It seems I got the last bit of drama in my life out of the way. I had a whole purification thing going on for a while there. I had a lot of chaos and I'm not used to that. It's been a little tough letting go of some of that stuff, but I suppose it's a good thing that I did. I don't know where I stand now on some issues. I'm afraid of many things in my life right now, afraid to live with them and afraid to live without them. Right now I guess I'm trying to avoid these issues all together. Sometimes things have a way of working themselves out, but then again, I've never been one to sit and wait and see what happens. I suppose that's part of my problem. maybe if I just let things happen from time to time I would have better luck with... well everythign I suppose. School starts soon. I'm happy to be leaving work, i don't like it much there. People are so stressed out and tense there. I guess that's why I like Harry, he's never stressed. But then again he doesn't do anything but check people's reciepts. Yea... well... It seems people are much more stressed out than when I was a kid. I don't like people that are stressed out... I don't like myself much when I'm like that. I'm just happy I have constructive ways of relieving that stress. There just comes a time when people start to rely on you just a little too much. They expect just a little too much. So then you have to go and dissapoint them all so that you can just be yourself again, instead of trying to live up to all those expectations. Have you ever wondered about the art of dead people? and how they're still sort of alive. I mean, to me, Hendrix isn't really dead. I mean, hell I can still listen to him whenever I want, is that something a dead man can do? I think I've relaxed a lot more lately. For a moment I love everythign that I think and see and feel. Ever have a moment like that? It's been a while for me. Sometimes it just feels good to be alone I think. Isn't it wierd how some peopel just don't get something? Like something that's very personal to you and has a lot of meaning? Like a song that's very special to you and you try to share it with someone and they just tune out and start talking about themselves all of a sudden. It's like they've killed something you love. I used to be like that before Everclear got real popular and I would try to play a song other than Santa Monica for someone and they wouldn't really listen. It's like you just look at your hands and see the shattered dreams. But people have never really payed much attention to me anyways. All those people that were too cool to get to know the dork that always talked about Star Trek and anti-gravity and the latest computer game. Of course there were always those peopel that thought I was "deep" and got very dissapointed when they found out I was just an asshole like everybody else. I got too sinicle about peopel there for a while. I don't think I've made too many sweaping comments about the severity of idiocy in humanity lately. Joe and I might go record soon. I'll have to save some money for that. I still have two pay-checks comming my way so I think I'll save one for over the fall semester and the other for that then. Oh shit, I'll have to save some of this one I just got for my credit card bill too. Need to remember that one. But it'll be good to have something to show for all this hard work and crap I've dredged through with my guitar lately. Who would have known I would take this whole music thing so far. Hell, my mother thought I was going to quit after a couple weeks. Who would have know I actually had a little talent, and that I would have streched it out this much. I hope I can still muster up a little to actually make a little money with it all. I guess there comes a time when changes need to be made. I just don't know if I've come to that time or not. Am I happy? no. Is that unusual? no. Do I expect to be happy? no. Is it my fault? probably. I've tried to be happy with what I have, but that task can be difficult at times. Happiness has always meant complacency to me, and I don't like complacency. If I'm happy with what I have I won't strive for more, and that just leads to lack of growth and decay. It's the same thing that's happening to this country. Things have been too good for too long. People are happy with things the way they are (for the most part) and don't want to do much to make things better. It's the whole, "if it ain't broke don't fix it" mentality. But just because something isn't broke doesn't mean it can't function better. And I suppose that's how I feel about myself and my life. Sure, I really shouldn't have much to complain about. I mean, I'm a bit lonely at times, but that's typical for an introvert like myself. I just feel like I've dissapointed a lot of people. People that mean a lot to me. Everybody from my friends to my parents... I feel like I'm starting to be come a failure. With school and with myself as a person. Do I like the person I've become? I don't know. I think I like myself better now than I did a few weeks ago. But I was hurting a lot then, and I think I tried to make others feel like I did. That's such a horrible thing to do, but I guess I'm not always the nicest or most selfless person in the world. Maybe if I tried a little harder to accomidate other peoples wishes, and maybe if I expected a little more out of myself I could be more at peace. But people have always said I expect too much from myself as it is. But I can't settle. I want the best, at least in some respects. In things that really matter. I've never held a high value of school. It was always somethign neccesary, but I feel I've learned a lot more on my own. More important things than derivatives or intergrals or some other bull shit math crap. I have a healthy respect of the field but does it really matter? I mean, I hate to use the word, but does math do anything for you spiritually? I suppose some people can discover inner peace in numbers, but I've always been to left brained to do that. Or is it right brained? hmm... The more things change, the more they stay the same. What an odd proverb. But true I suppose. What's really different in my life than a year ago? I'm still in the same place. I could see myself saying these exact same things this time last year. And I'm still so lonely. I hate saying that. It feels like such a weakness. And then she said to me, I'd give you anything, to make it like before, make you love me like you used to make you love me more. I never thought someone would tell me somethign akin to that. Especially not in the way it came. But I guess that's what i have to come to expect from life. I still know who I am. I still know who I am, I still know who I am. I felt so ambitious when I got home tonight. I guess I've lost all that. I guess I feel ambitius in general right now, but that will probably fade as well. Everythign seems to fade in time. Where I will go and what I will do... some things I'm sure I and a lot of other people would like ot know about themselves. But would I really want that? To know what is to happen to me? Think about it. Is knowing the end of something really that good? I don't know, life isn't something you can compare to something as trivial as a book or a movie. Sometimes I make life to be much more than it is anyways. That's not a good thing. Maybe I should try to be more grounded instead of trying to romantisize everythign so much. I think I do that ot impress people. I know recently I tried to make a much bigger deal out of a little thing. I didn't even really feel like doign it but I did so for everybody elses sake, just because it's what they've come to expect of me. God, i'm getting tired. Life is so lonely, especially when your only friend, looks, thinks, and feels like you and you do just the same as him. Somethign like that. Sometimes I just feel like letting it all go I guess. I wish I could write a great song like that. Maybe I just don't have what it takes to write beautiful music. I just want to touch people the same way that I've been touched. MTV. god that station sucks. They give up to easy on a good idea. I mean, do we really need 40 different installments of the real world? I really don't think so. That's another thing, they odn't know when to end something too. But a decent music oriented show can't make it through a month. Rememeber that "Best of the 90s" show? that was pretty cool. I liked that one, not too many songs made popular by 12 year olds. I really hate that shit. But I suppose everybody my age does. Or they should at least. Everyone loves a slinky though. Wouldn't it be nice if we could just close our eyes and hope that everything went away, and that it would? well not everything, but the things you don't want or need in your life. Lance Armstrong said cancer was the best thign that ever happened to him. I wouldn't say that about myself but I can understand why he said that. I know it changed me a lot, and if I liked who I became because of it I think I would be happy that I had it. But it was a very difficult experience. When I think back on it I sometimes wonder how i managed. If someone tried to hook and IV up to me now and sit me in a small plain room for 5 straight days with little entertainment and neccesary vomiting every morning, I would ask for a lot of money to do it. At least it broght me some attention, which is something I've always longed for a little more of in my life. I don't know, I always got plenty of attention from my family, just never any from my peers. A lot of people can't fathom what it's like to be the quite kid in the corner of the room that nobody really talks to or even listens to. I can't tell you how many peopel I've spoken to and said, "yea we had so and so class together" and they just look at me stupid like I'm some deranged idiot or something. But there were the peopel that noticed me. But they usually did because they thought I was weird or freaky or whatever, and what's the good in that. I've never thought of myself as an odd person. I've always thought I was pretty damn normal, I just never wanted others to think the same I suppose. I used to relish in being the different one. I hate conformity and most likely always will, and as soon what I was doign which was unusual becomes the norm I will scoff at it and look for something new to call my own. Funny, how I want all these things to be my own, but desprately want someone to share them with. But I think it's because I am such a private person that I wish someone to share my life with. I've never had someone I could be my true self with. I'm very different that what I let people see. I suppose eveyrbody is. But I can't share these things with many people. I don't think I ever have shared myself with anybody. And it's frustrating thinking that someone really doesn't want to know me like that. They prefer just what I have given. Everybody does I guess. But I think that's all my fault. Maybe most people jsut are who they are, no pretenses. I know some people claim to be that way, but I think they are the ones that are the least so. That may be the biggest pretense of all. Or maybe I just look to closely at some things. People are always telling me I over analize stuff. But maybe if they stopped and tried looking at things a little more closely they would have some answers to their questions, and, with a little luck, some new questions to be answered. After all, what are we without questions? Who wants all the answeres? I certainly don't. My head is starting to ache now. I'm going to sleep now.......
Yesterday love was such an easy game to play. Or was it? Hindsight 20/20? I don't know. I've been such a fool. I see my mistakes so plainly now. I see the last semblances of my niave youth fade away at times. I'm not really sure what to do with myself anymore. I see my todays become yesterdays as the slowly slip away from me. I can't get a stable footing anymore, I think. It's hard to see the road I've come along. I forget things I've done and things that have happened to me, forcing me to take things for granted. Causing me to make the same mistakes again. Wounds heal, and the scars remain, but it always seems there's room for more. I don't expect this to make any sense to anybody but me. I'm rarely left to my thoughts anymore. Perhaps that's a good thing though.
Well here I am again. Well I shouldn’t say again because usually when I write for this I’m on the verge of destruction. Now I’m just… not sure. Things are what they are. I find myself without a sense of direction or a clear sense of my goals. But I suppose it has had its up points. I think I’ve latched onto my band a lot lately, to compensate for whatever is lacking in my life. I think that more and more music is becoming my life, and oddly enough, my muse as well. I find myself becoming less and less dependent on people and the need I’ve always felt for their approval. I’ve always valued intellectual and artistical pursuit above all else, but maybe I’m wrong. I suppose it all just boils down to that I’ve never quite felt adequate in the greater sense of society, I’ve always felt that I was missing something, that I was ill equipped. Now I don’t feel that it really matters anymore. I think I feel comfortable in my Confucian roles. But are those adequate for my life? Can I finish it this way? Can I take the final stretch as I am? I always hear about people who seek for their parent’s approval or the approval of authority figures, but that was never my case. I always had the approval of those people. Teachers always loved me, my parents always approved of me, pretty much anybody that was my superior. For some reason my pears never approved of me, or at least I never felt that they did. I mean, I always felt they respected me, but my sense of myself only allowed me to believe it was because they were jealous. I know that’s very vain, to think people jealous of me, but I never proposed I wasn’t vain. I think somehow that I always felt that they couldn’t accept me as their equal because I was their superior. And I was, in some respects, but perhaps not in the important things. All that is in my past though. I learned not to care about what others in general held of me some years ago. That is when I began to form more personal relationships with those around me. With most of those people, even though I know I garnered their love and respect, I still never felt an equal. There were a few people that are an exception to this I think, and it is most likely these people that allowed me to survive high school without some kind of mental defect. Ultimately I think it was these people that knew me best. It’s funny how those few seem so distant to me now. Now I feel that even the very closest to me have no idea what makes me tick, at least not as much as those people then. So what’s the secret? Was I just more accessible then? I feel people move away from me, and I think it’s my fault. Am I pushing people away without the intent to do so? Have I changed so that where I once invited people to know me, that I now fight to keep people away. I know I’ve changed in one respect. I used to want a companion, a woman that would share my life, but that seems so wrong to me now. I feel like I just don’t have that part of me to expend right now, like I’ve closed all the doors. And I guess that’s where this feeling of goalessness comes from. I always wanted to look for happiness. For some kind of secret revelation that was the key to a happy life, but as perverted as it seems, I don’t really even want to be happy. I don’t want to be sad or anything else either, I think I just want to be. It had to be playing on the jukebox. When I was at my brother’s wedding all I could think of was his birthday two years ago. I was in the ICU and it had just turned midnight. It was the second day after being diagnosed with cancer. Back then someone always stayed with me overnight. Lee was with me that night and I made sure to stay up until midnight so I could wish him a happy birthday. Well for some reason that’s all I could think of while I was sitting at the dinner table, so I went over to him half in tears and I thanked him for being my brother and for helping to teach me what that means. Then I sat back down because when you get married you’re pretty much the center of attention and I didn’t want to take up all his time, but I guess he told my parents about it and they started crying and all. Then Chris asked me what I had said and he said something like, “you’ve got an amazing ability to make people cry.” I wonder if that is a good or bad thing. What does it matter though? Is it really important? Probably not, but it still swims in my head. I’ve been going through my guestbook and reading all these old entries. So much bullshit when I think about it. For some reason this webpage reminds me of a time gone by. I feel as if I’ve passed the part of my life that includes this page. But I don’t feel like ending it, because I like having a webpage, and I don’t feel that this page’s association with the past should interrupt my future. I think that too many people get caught up in that type of thing. They let the past interfere with their present and their future. They avoid things because it reminds them of their past. I’m all for learning from past mistakes but not the past should never come at the expense of the future. But in the end I suppose humans are just a collection of their respective memories, and sometimes we just become slaves to those memories. I hope I do not become that way, or if I am now, that I will change. Everyone has their own demons, but that doesn’t mean they can’t be suppressed or exploited. I saw something about people fearing to discuss death because they fear their own mortality. I feel I should fear death more than I do. I can understand a religious person being a little more at ease about death, because they believe there is life after death, well most do at least. But I can’t believe that. I just see unending darkness. Not that it matters thought, because it won’t be perceptible, because I’ll be dead. But that's a long way off so I won't worry about it now.
I think that sometimes I really fuck up by creating expectations for people. It just hurts a lot when someone does something that you would never think they would do. I know that I claim not to care about much, but I care a lot about the people in my life. There are some things I can deal with and some that I can’t. It’s really funny how some things that are really serious just roll off of me like it’s not important. News that someone is seriously sick or that they were in a car crash or something never really seems to have much of an effect on me. But if someone makes a personal decision that’s bad for them than it tears me up inside. Maybe I just feel that if I was a better person that I could have somehow had an effect on that person that would have made them make the right decision. So in a way I guess I’m blaming myself for other people’s mistakes, and I know I can’t do that. I can’t believe I let myself slip and fall like that. I had all these walls set up around me. I had all these defenses to stop me from feeling like this again. The worst part is that I can’t tell anybody about it because I’m so ashamed. I had changed my life for the better. Things were going so well and then it just hits me. What I’m really concerned about now is that this is so little, so insignificant compared to things I have dealt with in the past. But it still hurts. God damn it hurts. I think this won’t matter much in a little while though. I think I’m just not used to dealing with this stuff right now and I think that’s why I’m having such a strong reaction. At least I got a song out of it. Of course, once again, the song has absolutely nothing to do with what has transpired. I wish I could write about something that happened. I guess I’m just not good at writing stuff with my conscious mind. I never have been able to meet someone that I felt right with. There was always something about a person that just ate me alive. In some instances I was willing to deal with it, but most of the time I just ignore people that I can’t handle otherwise. Why do I have such problems dealing with people that are different from me? Why is it so hard for me to just accept the way people are or do things? Even the smallest things can drive me crazy. I just wish I could find one person who I was really in tune with. There are so few extraordinary people in the world. Do I deserve to know one? If the answer to that were yes that would mean I would have to be extraordinary too, but anybody who knows me well enough knows that I would contest that sentiment until the very end. So why do I deserve to have someone that fits with me? Someone that just fills in what I’ve left blank. I’m not necessarily talking about a woman here or anything like that, even though that would be convenient, since the person I choose to love will be someone I will want to spend a lot of time with. I guess it’s something similar to a soul mate. The main difference being that those soul mates usually are supposedly preordained. I don’t know. I don’t like this feeling. I don’t like this world. The wrong things happen to the wrong people. People ask me why I think there is no god. Just look around. It’s everywhere. How can there be an entity that controls existence with all this chaos in the world? How can someone let everything go to shit so easily. The world is a beautiful place, and I can’t think of anything better than existing, but everything just seems wrong unless everybody else sees it that way too. People do some dumb things, and I feel it’s my fault. And when I do find someone that I can live with, someone that I don’t grow tired being around or talking to, they just turn away. I try so hard to be what I want to be and who I want to be, and I think I succeed, but nobody else ever seems to think that I make good choices in being who I am. I’m happy with my rolls… but I don’t think anybody else is. I guess it all just comes down to having someone I can be close to, someone with whom I can drop the walls. I’ve only felt I could do that once and that hurt so much I was afraid to feel for as long as I can remember. Two days I tried to care again… it only took two days to be reminded about how much that can hurt. I just don’t know what to do now. Am I just expecting too much out of life? Is that why it always hurts? Because I want there to be more than there can be? I don’t want to believe that. I had something of an epiphany where I held it to be true that this world can deliver upon me anything possible. I believed that my life could be close to perfect, because the realm of possibilities is mine to control. I have the ability to change the future. But sometimes I just come in conflict with the part of me that says I make my own destiny and the part of me that just wants to yield to some greater scheme. I think all I want right now is a little undeserved attention. For someone to just call me up and want to be with me, simply because I’m here, not because I’m a “great person” or “someone special.” But I think that’s too much to ask, I would never do it myself.
I really feel stupid whenever I start to complain too much. Not because of the standard reason that most people give, that there are all these other people who have more to complain about than me. The way I see it nobody ever had their lives the exact way they want it to be. Most of us have the right to have a better life than what we already have, and it’s something that bothers us, and if complaining helps to sooth our anxieties than that’s a good thing. I just don’t like the way I complain about things most of the time. I’ve never been fond of people that try to escape reality. Whatever they do to do it… it bugs me a lot. To me those people are all cowards. I guess that’s why regular drinkers and drug users bother me so much. It seems they try to escape a reality that they don’t have the courage to face. I think that those people aren’t living life to the fullest, because they’re not really living their life. They go to die for a while and I can’t condone that kind of activity. To me, someone with real courage stands up to life and asks for it’s best punch. To me the strongest person is the person that will get up again and again no matter how hard he is hit. I wish I had that kind of strength. To many times I’ve wanted to just give up and let what happens happen. I hope I don’t ever do that. There’s just too much to live for in this life. There’s too much to live for to become a drinker. There’s too much to live for to work fifty-hour weeks. There’s too much to live for to stay in one place my whole life. There are so many things to see and do and feel and taste and hear and smell. People just have totally different views of what life should be like. I hate having to work the morning after closing. I have to work 36 hours next week, even though I’m a part time employee. I guess I should be happy to have the extra hours and make the extra money, but I don’t really need it. The main reason I’m working is because people bug the hell out of me about not working when I’m not working. I talked someone out of buying a new TV today because I think their TV will work if they get a new remote. I guess that was kind of dumb, but it just goes to show that I really don’t care how much money I’m making. I think the only thing I need right now that needs to be purchased with money is the BR8 but I’m in no hurry for that. There are so many things that I need right now.
It’s about 4am and I just stepped outside for a minute to see whether it was cool enough to open my window despite the fact that the air conditioning was on. There’s something about nights like these that make me want to write down my thoughts. Actually, the weather was almost identical the night I wrote the first one of these almost 3 years ago exactly. Three years… what a difference. I guess college does that to a guy. The funny thing is that I don’t think it was college that actually did it. I see people make the same mistakes I’ve made during the past three years and it’s hard to not want to sit them down and tell them to change their ways. The problem with that is that they would never really learn. Mistakes like those aren’t something you avoid unless you’ve faced the same situation before and got burned. Today someone asked me what I as a young male would want from a loved one as an anniversary gift. I actually thought about it until the person suggested shoes and cologne, at which point I realized how completely inept I was at answering that question. That’s not something that really bothers me though, even though I was a little troubled that the person assumed that I had experienced an anniversary of some sort. Frog said he’s afraid to bring his girlfriend around because he thinks I’ll make her feel bad about herself. Seems to be a common thing for people that know me. I guess I have a problem with accepting women without first making them feel bad about themselves. I wasn’t always this way, but I think I’m a lot happier now that I am. But all that isn’t really important. I guess when it comes to women I take much of a Buddhist approach… thinking more about what I need instead of what I want. I want a woman, but I don’t need a woman, and in keeping the Buddhist analogy, the things that I want but don’t need are the things that are going to ruin my life. Smart people those Buddhists, just too much of a harsh lifestyle if you ask me. I’ve taken quite the shine to Captain America lately. I never liked him much before. He always seemed so corny with his American propaganda. The other day though, someone explained to me that the Captain has evolved over the years. He doesn’t fight for the America we live in. He doesn’t fight for the American way of life. The thing he fights for is the American ideal. When I heard that I completely understood and really respected Captain America. Here’s a man who fights for something that is so far from the truth. Some would call him a fool, fighting for something that can never be, but I call him a hero for having faith in a good idea, and fighting the good fight. I think he realizes just as much as we do that the American ideal will never really be realized in our lifetime, but the Captain fights for it anyway, in the hopes that he can help make the ideal the way. That whole concept has given me a new perspective on America, a country with more skeletons in its closet than probably 90% of modern countries. But that doesn’t matter, because the important thing is the ideal, and I think learning that is an important lesson in all the forms of life. When two people are married, they shouldn’t strive to keep the way, but they should strive for the ideal, fight for the ideal… maybe if more people did this there would be fewer divorces. So many times in my life I’ve thought, “hey it’s ok if I slack off, because that’s the way, and it gets me by.” But now when I think of Cap and the way he’s fought for all these years for the ideal, it gives me new inspiration to go the extra step and to reach for the perfect example of effort. And I bet you could never learn anything useful from a comic. It’s nights like these where I would almost give anything to live in an eternal spring. This weather invigorates my spirit. Combine that with the fact that I’m only a two hour exam away from being out of school and I’m completely elated. I just get so frustrated sometimes with my band and where it’s going. I just sometimes have problems seeing it last long enough for things to really take off. We’ve played exactly one show. That’s not really something I would call an achievement. Sometimes I course the place I live and the fact that there is nowhere good to play around here. Add to that the fact that most bands we know aren’t the same type of music we are, it becomes very hard to arrange something. That and some places are just really stupid. Like my school, who turned us down because we weren’t “diverse” enough, when in reality all the bands that played were exactly the same… all of them just bad Dave Matthew’s Band knock-offs. Everyone I know that saw that show said we were better than all but one or two of the fifteen or so bands that played that day… ridiculous. I guess we can blame some of our lack of success in getting those kinds of shows on the fact that our demo is really bad, but there’s nothing much going on with that right now. Joe is too busy with school or whatever and I don’t feel right bugging Chris to make us live mp3s of the songs we played at our show. Not that those would be great quality, but it’s much more representative of what we really sound like than the shit that we have now, which features a drum machine and that was made before we even had a band so to speak of. God I fucking hated high school through and through. I think it definitely ranks up there with one of the worst experiences of my life. Right under women and cancer. I was just reading part of my first one of these and I was reading about how part of me was sad that high school was almost over. What a crock of shit. If I had known then what I know now, there would have been no way that I would have said that. I can’t believe that some people wish they could go back to high school… I want to just punch those people in the face. Those people are almost as bad as the people that say they don’t go to college because they don’t like school. Ok I can maybe understand that if you’ve been to college and for some reason got stuck in a bad situation, but if you’re doing it right college is the easiest part of your life next to when you’re a baby. This whole semester I had two weeks of effort. People that have a hard time in college have only themselves to blame. People that get B.A.s in something hard and then don’t go on for upper grad work are idiots. I have no intention of doing upper grad work, and therefor I am an English major. I guess there are some exceptions to that rule… most notably Computer Science, considering the way the job market is structured at the moment. Anyway, that’s enough of my rant. I wish I hadn’t forgotten my power source for my speakers, I really want to listen to my mp3s. If only I had some headphones around somewhere with a decent cable length. I’ve been listening to some real crap lately too. Bad stuff… scary. At least the new Weezer record is coming out soon. That’s a good thing, and a long time in coming too. I remember when Pinkerton came out. I played the living shit out of that record. El Scorcho really helped me put the current situation I was in into perspective. God I was a dolt back them. If I ever need to identify with a song about being a shy geek in love with a girl then please shoot me in the face. I can deal with the shy geek part, that’s who I am, but being in love is the biggest fallacy in the history of mankind. We’re all just pawns to what we call “love”, which is in reality just a chemical reaction in your brain, meant to stimulate you into having sex. Now we’ve gone and imposed our “morals” and our “greater mental reasoning” into the thing and made a huge fucking mess. I was just thinking today about how perfect a record Sparkle and Fade is. Everything about that record is so remarkably right. The feelings and emotions on that record just can’t be denied by conventional thought. Even down to the fucking packaging that record is spotless and peerless. It’s really the crowning achievement of early nineties rock, and the only record from that era that I ever mention in the same breath as Nevermind. There’s nothing more amazing than a record that has a song on it that makes you think, “wow this song isn’t really that good,” but you don’t change it or skip to the next song in fear that you may somehow disrupt the perfect synergy, the perfect feel, and the perfect moment that you’re living in. I was completely miserable and considerably disheartened with the world when I first bought that record, but when I think back to when I was still discovering the every nook and cranny of those songs I can’t think anything but good things. Maybe the power of this record is to me like the power of God to some people. The power of music and how it saved my soul. The only difference being that I can come into real contact with music, and don’t have to believe its power though blink faith alone. I long for the days when I didn’t know every world and riff and chord and inflection of every note on this record. I wish I could experience it with novice ears again. To live in a world where the music is perfect. I guess I can learn from this kind of situation by enjoying every moment to its fullest… because once I’ve experienced something once I can never go back to the way I was before. I guess my life has progressed much the same as this cd. I may be completely scratched up, and my case might be dirty and scratchy, and the books seems might be worn and the staples might be coming lose, but I still play. The back of this cd hardly reflects anymore due to all the scratches on it, but it never skips, it never sounds any worse than the day I bought it. Battered but not beaten. The greatest catharsis in the history of mankind. What could be more appealing that going away… what could be better than driving to some mystical land and starting over. What could be nicer than just leaving it all behind… and possibly watching everything else die.
October Second
What now? Absolutely nothing. Life is life at the moment. Kinda weird because it's not all that interesting. It usually has something complicated for me. I guess increasing my emotional restraints helped a lot. I'm not letting myself go as much as I used to. As much as I should in a perfect world. But as we all know this world is far from perfect. Rushmore is on the campus station. yeay. That was the first movie I saw at the Hoyts. I think I've only seen two total, but one of them was Star Wars and I saw that four times there. I can't quite remember if I've seen any other movies there. Wierd. Ew, women that smoke are repulsive. Apparently I'm getting moved out of this dorm. To my favorite one nonetheless. That's gonna be real cool. It's coed to, hehehe. Like it fucking matters in my life anyways, eh? God damnit my butt hurts. I beat Josh in our battle today. I always complain that people's army's are unfair, but I still manage to beat them. Unless I'm playing Jed in which case I stand no chance. I still can't manage to figure this school thing out. Oh well, I can't bitch about it I suppose. My mommy's comming to school here tommorow t spend the day with me. We'll have fun. She will be waking me up early which I'm not too fond of. Oh well, I can sleep in Sunday. Shit, I better go to bed, sorry this was sorta short, but that's ok, becuase I'm an asshole anways :-)
December 23rd
June 3rd
July Twenty-second
May Fourth
