august 1, 1998
~ 8:40pm ~

close the door, turn off the light, you know i won't be home tonight

listening to: jimmy page and robert plant
album: no quarter: unledded
fave song: ???
feeling: horrible
weather: hot, muggy

this stupid cd keeps skipping (or maybe it's just my stupid cd player - i've known it's not the greatest).

i'm in a rather foul mood right now, and i'm not really really sure why.

i love plant's voice...nathanael's said it doesn't sound really masculine, but ah well...

*sighs* sometimes, i used to think things would get better, and i'd live this happy little sitcom life - *laughs bitterly* but, in a sense, that's not really what i want...not truly what i crave...

"i've learned the secret to life, i'm okay when everything's not..."

i leave tomorrow for saint mary's college for a week long leadership seminar. i won't be seeing nathanael - maybe not even talking to him.

*shrugs*

who knows?

i sure don't, and i can't even make sense out of life, so i'm not gonna try and make promises to myself that i'll talk to him while i'm gone, because i have not a clue how long i'll have of free time. maybe it'll be good for us, though, the whole separation thing. i mean, think of it, we've been around each other a bit during the summer (though we both complain it's not enough - i see him more than my other friends...) and this whole separation thing will...oh, i don't know what it'll do or what i'm even trying to say...i'm just talking and babbling on about nothing...mainly because i don't know HOW i feel. it's one of those weird "absence of emotions" things - apathy?

maybe.

i don't really know. there's not much i do know about what i think and feel. something i told my parents - i bottle up my emotions and just move on. that's what i do in my life...there's not much i outright tell people. it's weird...the past few days, it's kind of like i want to talk to someone, but i don't know who...and those of you who read this, and i talk to you, please don't flood my mailbox w/letters saying you're worried and that i can "talk to you..." believe you me, i know i have some wonderful friends - real and internet...but, it's like, even if i felt i could go to someone, i wouldn't really know what to say...it's this total lack of thought and reason and stuff like that...

"static walls surround me..."

(i put in dar williams because the skipping on the page and plant cd was annoying me...darn library cd's...)

"when'd you learn to speak in parenthasis..."

"they preach that i should save the world, but they pray i won't do a better job of it, so tonight i turned on your station just so i could be understood..."

and i'm not even sure why i'm putting all of this up on the internet...i mean, c'mon - i don't really know half of those who come and visit and i'm not even sure if you actually read through my journals...i will be totally honest, there are very very few journals i actually have read through...maybe i do it more for me...or maybe not...but, i know that someone out there can relate, and maybe it's just for selfish reasons i put this up, because i want to be understood and i don't know any other way except through this little box which sits on a light brown wood desk...this 15" monitor, and side cpu unit...

i don't necessarily want to leave like this - a week w/o updating, a week w/everyone wondering "blah blah blah"...but, ah well...i'm not gonna say i'm all happy and blah blah blah...bah on that one!

i've been thinking about writing an e-mail to mme. simpson, just kind of talking - i don't know...in a sense, it would be really really weird...but, i had a dream a few weeks back and she was in it, and she was the only one i knew who would help me and listen...my parents told me that it's my subconscious trying to tell me something. maybe...i've written a couple letters to her in my head, and i'm not really sure about any of them...

y'know, this is one of the most in-depth/honest/longest journal entries i've ever had (i think...)

anyhow, i'm gonna get going...i may be back to let y'all know how i end up feeling tonight...*shrugs* if not, i'll see you all sometimes around the 8th or 9th...