Two Huge News Stories Dominate Headlines

Tejada is shown here bearded, as are all evil men

Obviously the two biggest stories of today were the capture of a horrible human being into the hands of US officials, and of a major signing by the Baltimore Orioles.

At approximately 5 AM Eastern time, when no god fearing man should be up, the US government took into custody the feared and reviled criminal Miguel Tejada. Pulled from a hole, like an evil rat that lives in a hole, Tejada was brought out into the cool Oakland morning where he was mocked for his scraggly beard. Tejada has been known for his cruelty, often thwacking cowhide with a large wooden stick in his reign of terror. This infamous cruelty once lead him to receive the tag "MVP" or "Magnificently Vile Penishead." More on the possible punishment of this criminal as it becomes available.

Saddam ready to take the field with the new look O's!

On the lighter side, the Orioles took a major step in suring up their future with the signing of promising youngster Saddam Hussein. Hussein has spent most of his time in the Baghdad summer league where his offensive contributions became known as the "Iraqi Attacki." In one game with nearby rival Kuwait, Saddam absolutely dominated. "He just took over!" said one Kuwaiti. While it remains to be seen how successful Saddam's transfer to the majors will turn out to be, it's certainly causing quite a stir in Baltimore. "I think we can expect a certain increase in the number of veiled ladies with orioles caps on," said Jim Beattie, co-GM of the team. "As long as the harlots cover their ankles, so as to not arouse the men in attendence, then it's fine with me," said Saddam in his press conference.

Baltimore has also expressed interest in the right hander Kim Il Jung, and Free Agent Outfielder Satan.

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