ROSEDALE, MD—Barry Slacker, a cashier & wannabe deli person at a local convenience store, experienced a fleeting moment of joy, followed by a deep and abiding sense of shame, upon receiving a new mop head Monday.

Slacker, whose duties at the popular store include taking out the trash and mopping at the end of each shift, was initially overjoyed by the prospect of the new mop head before collapsing into despair upon realizing the heart-rending pathos of his situation.

"I'd been asking for a new mop head for what seemed like forever. They kept saying they'd order it, but then they never would," Slacker said. "It really gets kind of gross when you have to keep using the same mop head over and over. So when I showed up for work [Monday] and my manager said, 'Hey Barry, merry Christmas!' and tossed me the new head, I could hardly believe my eyes. There it was, a brand-new, snow-white, virginal mop head, unsoiled by grease or dirt. I was in heaven. At long last, the new mop head I'd been dreaming of was in my hands."

Coworkers said Slacker seemed to be "in a revitalized, reinvigorated mood" throughout the remainder of his 2-to-10 shift. He even remarked to his fellow worker Brenda that he "[couldn't] wait to get out there and mop tonight."

"I was really excited to use that pristine new mop head for the first time," Slacker said. "So when 9:30 rolled around, I raced back to the mop sink and, with great pleasure, unscrewed the filthy old mop head and threw it out. Man, that felt good. But the next thing you know, I'm out there by the coffee island, mopping away like a kid in a candy store. The new mop head worked so much better than the old one, I was literally whistling while I worked."

"Everybody was remarking how happy I looked, saying stuff like, 'We should get Barry a new mop head more often,'" Slacker continued. "It was only later, after punching out and heading home, that the depths to which I'd sunk hit me full force."

Shortly after returning to his apartment, Slackers' happy state was obliterated by the crushing impact of his realization. As a bowl of soup heated in the microwave of his kitchenette, he became distracted by his own household mop, itself badly in need of a replacement head, leaning against a nearby wall. After staring blankly at the mop for several minutes, he disappeared into his bedroom. The congealed, long-cooled bowl of cream-of-mushroom soup was discovered several hours later, sitting in the microwave untouched.

Experts say the elusive human emotion known as joy can often prove to be a double-edged sword.

According to coworker Brenda Bosomcashe, Slackers' feelings of shame and degradation over his state of joy have proven far less fleeting than the initial elation.

"The poor guy was slumping around all day, and I could tell something was wrong," said Bosomcashe, a self-described kindred spirit. "When I finally asked him what it was, he was really reluctant to say."

Bosomcashe said that when Barry finally confessed to the happiness he felt upon receiving the mop head, the conversation became even more uncomfortable.

"I guess I figured that once he told me what was wrong, I'd be able to tell him it wasn't so bad," Brenda said. "But what could I say? It wasn't like there was some misperception on his part that was causing him to feel depression and self-doubt when he shouldn't have. He was reacting the way any sane person would. I mean, feeling gleeful that his boss finally bought him a new $3 mop head with which to perform his unrewarding, low-paying, menial chores? You'd have to sink pretty low to think of that as a good thing. He was right to feel ashamed and degraded."

"I should know, because I've been there," Bosomcashe continued. "I remember how horrible it felt the first time I realized how good it felt to finally get a new stamp pad for the front counter. As I stood there, looking down at the new stamp pad on the counter, beaming from ear to ear, I suddenly felt the worst emptiness I'd ever known sweeping over me like a thousand tidal waves."

"The truth is, sometimes a new mop head does count as a reason to be happy, however pitiful that may seem. In this crazy life, you take your moments of satisfaction where you find them," Brenda said. "Do you think I like the fact that the best moment of my entire day usually comes when the toilet flushes all the way down on the first try instead of taking two or three? Pathetic as it is, that's the truth. Along with everything else I have to do, and after an 8-hour shift at the store, if I make it all the way through one rerun of The Odd Couple without falling asleep in my chair, I get a tiny jolt of happiness. And I learned long ago not to be ashamed of that tiny jolt of happiness, because, let's face it, that's as good as it's going to get until I win the Mega-Million game, and I am just going to enjoy life as it is until then."

LAST MAJOR UPDATE: July 07, 2003