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A guide to understanding Usenet help-wanted ads

Reading the various job-related newsgroups while searching for employment can be frustrating at times -- there are mis-posted articles, duplicate articles, articles without relevant subject lines, get-rich-quick spams, and a hundred other annoyances. I can't help you with those. However, I can help you to understand the text of some of the less intelligible help-wanted articles. Enclosed below are (1) direct quotes from articles which have appeared in misc.jobs.offered with (2) a translation of what the author actually meant to say. The company and personal names have been elided to protect my future job prospects, if any remain after this gets posted.

---Rsk
Rich Kulawiec
rsk@itw.com

This is not, repeat, not a position for an academic-type of internet hacker. Rather, it is a need for a solid business applications developer type.: "Even though we are trying to implement a cutting-edge web-based system, we are unaware that the academic community is precisely the place that such systems originated, and where a lot of the people who know how about them can be found. We would prefer to hire someone who still finds spreadsheets and accounting software exciting."
Due to the volume of expected responses, we are only able to contact candidates who qualify for this position.: "Although sending an e-mail response to a received cover letter and resume would only a take a few seconds, we are too busy to indulge in this basic, common courtesy. We're also not smart enough to automate the process. Guess you'll never know if we received and read your resume..."
HOT! Call today!
: "My project is a mess and I need to hire someone immediately who can either bail me out, or, by virtue of being the latest hire, take the blame."
Candidates should be able to start work immediately.: "Don't bother giving a reasonable amount of notice to your current employer. Of course, should you ever leave our firm, we'll expect 90 days notice."
No relocation assistance available.: "We're cheap. We think so little of you that we won't even pick up the $2K it'll cost to move your 1-bedroom apartment's worth of furniture 400 miles."
(Requires X years experience with Y, with X > than the number of years that Y has existed, e.g.): Wanted: Expert Java programmers, 5+ years experience "We're clueless, but very easy to impress."
Applicant must have a minimum of 10 solid years working as [...] Submit cover letter, resume, and transcript to [...]: "Even though this is a field where the technology turns over every three years, we think how you did in Organic Chemistry in college over a decade go has some relevance to your qualifications."
YOU WILL HAVE 5+ YEARS EXPERIENCE AS A CFO IN A HIGH TECH COMPUTER INDUSTRY.: "Please teach us where the CAPS LOCK key is."
(Very short ad, with entire copy consisting of:) Wanted: Unix/C programmers.: "We think you're so hungry that you'll jump at any job with this in the title, even though we list no other qualifications, don't tell you what kind of work you'll be doing, or even where we're located."
[...] implementing new system on VAX/VMS platform with DECNET [...]: "We still think VMS and DECNET are hot technologies and that this Unix and TCP/IP fad will be over any minute. Hey...do you think we could get Ken Olsen?"
Skills: Pearl, Linus, Seashell, [...]: "We're really clueless."
Title: Senior Unix Administrator; Location: New York City; Salary range: $30-$45K.: "We think you're really clueless."
Please submit resumes in Word format with subject "Lead Unix Admin" to: [...]: "Even though we are looking for a senior Unix person, we are so brainwashed by Microsoft that it didn't dawn on us that Word is a proprietary format used by a word processor almost completely avoided by Unix people."
[...] interfacing the Web with legacy systems including mainframes [...]: "We want you to take the hottest technology available and shackle it to hardware and software that were obsolete before you graduated from college. Don't worry, this will not damage your career."
Ability to carry pager and perform after-hours and weekend work required.: "We're too cheap to actually hire as many qualified people as we need, so we're going to try to squeeze unpaid overtime out of you and everyone else on the staff at the expense of your personal lives."
You will work in a team with 2 or 3 other people in a fast-paced environment. Adherance to strict deadlines is critical as well as the ability to learn and be innovative.: "We're behind schedule. Really behind schedule. We'd like to convince you to join these other poor bastards in hell."
Are you a programmer on a legacy/mainframe system and want to transition your career into something new? Well the [...] Group, Inc. is looking for mainframe programmers with experience in COBOL, DB2, IMS, CICS, and others.: "Didn't bother to keep your skillset current? We think we can now hire you at a bargain rate because you'll do anything in order to get yourself retrained on technology from this decade."
New York System Integration company has short and long term needs for Sun Unix admins. Competency Level 1500 and 2000 especially sought.: "We think that you'll know what somebody's skill assessment system for Unix administrators will mean, even though we didn't bother to tell you here. Bonus if you're clairvoyant."
(Entire text of ad, excluding boilerplate) : Position available for a *very* senior internet expert. Should have a very solid education, experience and the potential to be an industry leader. Position details are confidential, for qualified candidates only.: "In fact, the position details are so confidential, that we haven't bothered to tell you just what sort of skills we're looking for (routers? protocols? operating systems? programming? web site development? all of them?), where this position is located, or what it's responsibilities might be. Even though we've provided you next to nothing to go on, we expect you to figure out whether or not you're qualified. And since we're one of the companies that doesn't do applicants the courtesy of acknowledging resumes, you'll never know if you guessed wrong."
(Entire text of ad) : Subject: Need 20 Hardware and Software Engineers 2-10 years of experince 100k + Relocation Paid H1 visa ok ... Our client is a big Semiconductor Company in Silocon Valley. Please email your resume to [...] or fax it at [...] RELOCATION PAID H-1 VISA OK: "Not only can't we take the time to provide any information about the positions, or the requirements that applicants are expected to have, we can't spell."
(Entire text of ad) : Subject: Wanted: HEAVY C++/UNIX/GUI APPLICATIONS DESIGNER - read on [1/1] 4 bytes BEGIN --- CUT HERE --- Cut Here --- cut here --- read on begin 644 read on $#0H-"K3H ` end END --- CUT HERE --- Cut Here --- cut here ---: "We're going to have the person we hire to teach us how and when to use uuencode."

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