What other people think about the closet
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this page last updated 11/4/99 design and content © bentgrrrl
The thing about being 'out' is that if everyone who was gay was out it would reduce homophobia to some extent. Most people find it hard to justify being homophobic if someone they know or love or are related to is gay. If they can see we're 'regular' people it demystifies being gay and breaks down barriers. It reduces stereotyping us into cliches and allows people to see that we're individuals, and that who we love is but a small part of who we are.
It is society that requires us to be 'closeted'. To hide who we are for fear of 'upsetting' or offending them. But silence truly does equal death. If not phyiscal death, then the death of the soul. Condemed to live our lives in the shadows, only allowing our true selves to emerge in the safety of queer neighbourhoods, meeting illicitly in the dark streets or gay bars. What kind of life is that?
The closet implies that what you are doing is somehow wrong, that your feelings aren't valid and should be hidden or supressed. No matter how comfortable you are in yourself with your sexuality, by hiding it you really do confirm what society says you should feel. 'Internalised' homophobia is a charade that eventually affects your self esteem and you begin to believe that you're worthless. You cannot have successful relationships with anyone, including friends and family, if you're living a lie and in constant fear that you'll be found out.
By being Out, we also make it easier to find each other. This helps with dealing with society, supporting each other and even being able to voice our thoughts and opinions out loud to someone who knows, without having it explained, exactly what you feel. Hell, it might even help you get laid *grin* By being out you aknowledge you are part of another 'family' and can more easily seek support from within the lesbian and gay community. Every person who is out has, to some extent, dealt with, confronted and overcome what may seem to you like insurmountable obstacles.
By being visible, we show the society we live in that we're not ashamed of who we are and who we choose to love. As more people come out of the closet, we become less of a minority group and more of a part of mainstream society. This will be further reflected in acceptance for lesbians and gays. Eventually we may even laugh that there was once that offensive word 'closet'.
Things are changing slowly. Take famous lesbians who are out of the closet for example. Martina started it off, years ago and made headlines worldwide. Then came the gorgeous Melissa and thousands of young lesbians around the world found a role model. Someone in this hetero-sexist world who was like them. And sexy to boot, (unlike the stereotypical butch dyke the media came up with). Soon after follow k.d, and most recently Ellen came out amid much hype and fanfare. Dykes worldwide claimed them as their own and by coming out of the closet, they all proved that lesbians existed. That we're talented, can be successful, look however we like and can fall in love.
By coming out these women all provided role models for young dykes which had never existed before. We could finally see ourselves reflected back in popular music and on television. Imagine an isolated young girl, living in a small town and knowing that her feelings were 'ok', not something to be ashamed of. It may just be one less young person who suicides through desperation and fear of not 'fitting in'. You don't even have to be famous to be a role model for other gay people. By being visible, out and proud, *you* could be the person who allows someone still closeted to see that it is possible to be queer and happy. That, despite what society says, you have chosen to follow your own path.
Coming out to the people you care about is scary and hard, I'm not denying that. You risk rejection, maybe your home and family, your friends. Maybe everything that is meaningful to you in your life. It is a decision that each individual must weigh up for themselves according to their own circumstances and likely outcome. If you do decide to come out of the closet, take it easy on yourself. Expect people to be shocked, even if you think they know or suspect. Tell someone first who you feel will be supportive. Another person who's gay, or someone you think will be 'comfortable' with the idea, even someone online. Hell, why not me?
Of course you shouldn't feel pressured into being out in your personal life. That's not the point. You don't have to tell everyone at once, or even everyone at all. I'm much more 'out' online than I am, say, in my working environment. But, at the moment, that's what I'm comfortable with and what works for me. It's a process, not a race...and you'll know the best time for you.
So why take this huge personal and emotional risk I hear you asking? Well, for me, coming out to those I love was the most liberating thing I've ever done. I can be my real self, talk about my girlfriend to my family like I would have if it were a boyfriend. I'm so much happier and 'at peace' with myself now that I'm not hiding in the closet....being a non-person by hiding my sexuality. It's something that you have to decide for yourself...and it's frightening and difficult. But, I have no regrets at all from coming out.
So, if you are comfortable with your own sexuality, I believe it *is* important to come out of the closet. To mentor younger queers and those still closeted, to be alive, to confront homophobia, to be a part of your community and to show the world that you'll no longer live in fear. Take pride in who you are and in who you love.