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Web Log for June, 2003
June 1 - Sunday ~ June 2 - Monday
June 11 - Wednesday ~ June 14 - Saturday
June 17 - Tuesday ~ June 19 - Thursday
June 24 - Tuesday ~ June 27 - Friday
Friday, June 27, 2003
Tom and I discovered today that the Ecomony is really a state of mind. That might be a helpful investment tip for my massive reader base. Don't say I never gave you any good advice.
Other than that, I haven't got much to say other than, "Yes, I am still alive," and, "I only get that way when I think."
There's a duck swimming underwater in the pond behind my apartment. It looks funny, because it has a very hard time actually staying underwater...
Anyhow, I'm going to try to get some more picture pages up soon. I'll put up a note when I've accomplished this (loosely translated: "You'll hear from me sometime next month"....).
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I wanna heal,
I wanna feel
what I thought was never real
I wanna let go of the pain I’ve felt so long
(Erase all the pain till it’s gone)
I wanna heal,
I wanna feel
like I’m close to something real
I wanna find something I’ve wanted all along
Somewhere I belong
-Linkin Park, "Somewhere I Belong"
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Tuesday, June 24, 2003
So last month I dreamt that I ripped his throat out. Everyone I've told that to says that I "chose an odd organ". What they don't realize is that I ripped his throat out because ripping his heart out and ripping his kidneys out hadn't killed him. He was just standing there, 8 feet tall, next to the bed, bleeding and bleeding and there was blood all over my hands, and he just wouldn't die.
My Mom says she doesn't understand how it could hurt me so much - it was just a kiss, after all. Maybe she's right. Maybe I'm wrong to think that it should have meant something to me. Maybe I was wrong to think I really might be worth more than that. I was pretty egotistical back then - rebounding from Junior High and my father leaving. I wanted so badly for it to work out. I wanted so badly to do things right. I was so blinded.
I don't know. None of it makes sense anymore. Maybe I just need some sleep. Now that it's not Tuesday anymore.
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Thursday, June 19, 2003
Holy Crud, Johnny Depp Is Hot.
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Tuesday, June 17, 2003
Well somewhere in this darkness there's a light that I can't find
Well maybe it's too far away
Or maybe I'm just blind
Maybe I'm just blind
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Roaming through this darkness, I'm alive but I'm alone
And part of me is fighting this
But part of me is gone
-Three Doors Down, "Love Me When I'm Gone"
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Saturday, June 14, 2003
I think I'm depressed this morning. Not really sure. I'm reading this great book, Unmasking Male Depression. While it's mainly about the different symptoms men have that express depression, it's still got a lot of good stuff I can apply to myself. For instance, it talks about the "I-don't-want-to-go-to-bed-at-night-and-then-I-don't-want-to-get-up-in-the-morning" issue -- that's so totally me. Anyhow, the major difference between men and women (when it come to depression) is that women tend to be more oriented toward feeling, while men are oriented toward action. Women brood and "ruminate", while men find a physical outlet for their feelings. Thus, depression in men often goes unnoticed, because they do all the things other men do, just for the purpose of covering up how they feel. Interesting stuff. I highly recommend the book.
Merry and Pippin are doing well. They swim around a lot and Pippin is constantly eating (more proof that I named him correctly...).
I had a wierd dream about doing Yoga. I don't remember most of it, but it was just odd... There was also an auto mechanic in there for some reason, and a bunch of servers in racks. Odd connections. I don't know where it all came from (especially the auto mechanic). Maybe I'll do some Yoga and see what happens...
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Wednesday, June 11, 2003
Lots of stuff to update on - woo-hoo! Where to start, where to start....
Okay, movie review time. Jen, Melissa and I saw Finding Nemo on Monday -- this movie is ABSOLUTELY HILARIOUS. I would not recommend it for children, but adults will laugh from the beginning to the end. And the seagulls were just TOO realistic. I should know: I've lived on the lakeshore for most of my life. If they could talk, that's what they'd be saying. Anyhow, it's a great movie, and it's even worth sitting all the way through to the end of the credits (unlike Matrix: Reloaded).
On an unrelated topic, Melissa made me take "The Geek Test" at Innergeek.us. I got "45.95661% - Super Geek". I'm pretty proud of that score, as I'd have to be socially dysfunctional to get any higher of a score. Also, I made Melissa calculate her Geek Code at Netsw.org - the CGI script that concatonates the code is broken, though, so I had to copy and paste her results. It turned out as follows (slightly hacked):
-----BEGIN GEEK CODE BLOCK-----
GFA d?@ s:+ a- C++++ UL P+ L+ E? W+++ !N o-- K? w@
O-- M@ V? PS+++ PE+ Y+ !PGP t* !5- !X !R- tv+ !b-
DI++++ !D? !G e++ h! r? !x+
------END GEEK CODE BLOCK------
Mine is as follows (slightly hacked):
-----BEGIN GEEK CODE BLOCK-----
GCS d- s+: a-- C+++$ US++++$ P++++$ L++ E--- W++ N-
!o K- w--- !O M- V? PS PE Y+ !PGP- t--- 5 X R++ tv--
b++@ DI++++ D+ G e++ h r? x-
------END GEEK CODE BLOCK------
Hmmmm.... What else do y'all need to know? Oh! I got 2 Bettas. I named them Merry and Pippin. I have some pictures, but they didn't turn out too well. I'll try to con Melissa into taking some pictures for me. They're beautiful!
On yet another thoroughly unrelated topic, I have finally realized 3 major problems that are stopping me from finding a man:
- Men have a very skewed perception of what I want in a man. Guys think that, because I try to be a strong person (emotionally; mentally; and there's that little issue of the black belt) that I want to be stronger than the man I fall in love with. This is not the case. I try to be a strong person, not because I want to dominate, but because I want to find a man that is stronger than me (emotionally and mentally, at least!). I figure, if a guy knows all there is to know about me and isn't intimidated, and actually finds me interesting and a worthy challenge, that's the kind of guy I'm looking for. I don't want to have to protect or carry someone. I don't expect the man I might eventually find to do that for me. I just don't want to have to be the leader all the time.
- I'm scared of the type of man I want. Given all of the above, I've had enough bad experiences with weak men that I'm even more afraid of strong men. If a weak man can hurt me, imagine what a strong man could do. Of course, weak men hurt people so that they don't feel so weak, and strong men would have no need to do that, but logic doesn't mix with experience very well.
- I have no idea where to look. Where does a 24-year-old, geeky, non-beauty-queen woman go to find an intelligent and emotionally strong man??? If you have an answer to this question, PLEASE e-mail me.
Well, that's all the randomness for today. I'm going to bed.
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Monday, June 2, 2003
So, there's the new background. Eh, it's decent. Next month's will be more interesting. I'll start working on it now...
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Sunday, June 1, 2003
Okay, so I'm going insane. This morning, I heard a building talk to me. Then, while I was thinking deep thoughts about that, it occurred to me that everything that's going to happen has already happened and my life is now just me watching the results of those events. I'm not really alive anymore; I'm just watching.
This would be a good time to mention that I forgot to take my medications last night...
Anyhow, among the bizarre things that I've been thinking about are topics such as the fact the Cain and Abel had the chance to make up for their parents' mistakes, but, instead, perpetuated the legacy of sin; the facts that rocks really do cry out and water really does sing and dance; the fact that I'm here partially for the sake of learning how to be here, and that's why I can't leave yet. I get deep when I skip my pills. I would do it more often if I weren't afraid of what might happen when I run out of bizarre things to think about. Such as now. I'm going to bed before I get depressed.
Oh, and the cool background I promised Jen will be up either later today (after some sleep) or tomorrow. I promise!
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