=Why?=
Why do they report power outages on TV?
Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor, but
book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
=Bold Questions=
Is there fat free food for thought?
When cows laugh does milk come out their noses?
What's the speed of dark?
Is there another word for synonym?
=If Microsoft Was Headquartered in the South...=
~Their #1 product would be Microsoft Winders.
~Instead of an hourglass icon you'd get an empty beer bottle.
~Occasionally you'd bring up a window that was covered with
a Hefty bag.
~Dialog boxes would give you the choice of "Ahh-right" or "Naw."
~Instead of "Ta-Da!", the opening sound would be Dueling Banjos.
~The "Recycle Bin" in Winders '95 would be an outhouse.
~Instead of "Start Me Up", the Winders '95 theme song would be
"Achy-Breaky Heart."
~PowerPoint would be named "ParPawnt."
~Microsoft's programming tools would be "Vishul Basic" and
"Vishul C++."
~Winders 95 logo would incorporate the Confederate Flag.
~New Shutdown WAV: "Ya'll come back now!"
~Instead of VP, Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz."
~Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am.
~Well, the first thing you know, old Bill's a billionaire.
~Spreadsheet software would include examples to inventory dead
cars in your front yard
~Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor pull Simulator.
~Microsoft CEO: Bubba Gates.
=Recent Quotes From Newspapers=
+Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing.
+Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers.
+Two convicts evade noose, jury hung.
+Farmer bill dies in house.
+Iraqi head seeks arms.
+Panda mating fails - veterinarian takes over.
+NJ judge to rule on nude beach.
=Totally Useless Information=
~The venom in a Daddy Long-Legs spider is more poisonous than a Black
Widow's or a Brown Recluse, but they cannot bite humans because their jaws won't open wide enough.
~You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider.
~If you toss a penny 10000 times, it will not be heads 5000 times, but
more like 4950. The heads picture weighs more, so it ends up on the bottom more.
~Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
~If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced
enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
~Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza every day
~The only bone not broken so far during any ski accident is one locatedin
the inner ear.
~There is no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables.
~The world record for cow-chip tossing (under the strict
non-sphericalization and 100% organic rule of 1986) is 56.70 meters..
~In Indiana it is illegal to ride public transportation for at least 30
minutes after eating garlic.
~Arizona requires it s citizens to register with the state before going
into the business of selling cocaine, marijuana, heroin or other illegaldrugs.
~Pierre, South Dakota is the only example of a state and capital in the
U.S. that don't share any letters.
~More capital cities begin with B than any other letter: Berlin, Bern,
Bonn, Bucharest, Budapest, Buenos Aires, Brasilia, Baghdad,
Bratislava, Brussels, Belgrade, Bogota and of course Belfast.
~In the United States there are more 2nd streets than there are 1st
streets, and Main street is not the most common; Pine is.
~Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed
people do.
~A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
~In Japan meat from the 'Fugu' or spiny puffer fish is considered a rare
delicacy, however the liver and intestines contain a powerfulneuro-toxin
and the slightest contamination during preparation can be deadly.
Restaurants who serve fugu must have 'Fugu certified' chefs.
In Japan about one hundred people on average die annuallyfrom fugu poisoning.
~Starfishes have no brains.
~Of the four Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, all named after artists and / or sculptors, Donatello does not occur in the same time period as Leonardo, Michelangelo and Raphael.
~Since World War II, every American president to address the Canadian House of Commons in their first term of office have all been re-elected to a second term. Eisenhower, Nixon, Reagan, and Clinton have all had the honor, while Kennedy, Johnson, Ford, Carter, and Bush did not address the parliament.
~The flea can jump 350 times its body length, that is like a human jumping the length of a football field.
~The main export of Jamaica is bauxite, which used in making aluminum.
~Will Clark hit a homerun in his first at-bat in college, the Olympics, and the Major Leagues.
~An ounce of platinum can be stretched to 10000 feet.
~The original Guiness Brewery in Dublin, Ireland has a six thousand-year lease.
~The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
~You can only smell 1/20th as well as a dog.
~Only 55 percent of all Americans know that the sun is a star.
~The sound of E.T. walking was made by someone squishing her hands in Jell-O.
~Most American car horns honk in the key of F.
~Dr. Seuss and Kurt Vonnegut went to college together.
They were even in the same fraternity, where Seuss
decorated the fraternity house walls with drawings of his
strange characters.
~Beelzebub, another name for the devil, is Hebrew for
"Lord of the Flies", and this is where the book's title
comes from.
~In Cleveland, Ohio, it's illegal to catch mice without a hunting
license.
~Dr. Seuss coined the word "nerd" in his 1950 book "If I Ran the Zoo"
~It takes 3000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a
year's supply of footballs.
~Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for
dating are already married.
~Pound for pound, hamburgers cost more than most new cars.
~The 3 most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola,
and Budweiser, in that order.
~When Heinz ketchup leaves the bottle, it travels at a rate of
25 miles per year.
~It's possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.
~Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived
immigrants.
~On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every
year.
~Reno, Nevada is west of Los Angeles, California.
~Internationally, Baywatch is the most popular TV show in history.
~Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots.
~There are more brown M&M's in plain M&M's than in Peanuts.
~Coca-Cola was originally green.
~The Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters.
~Amount American Airlines saved in 1987 by eliminating
one olive from each salad served in first class: $40,000
~Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33.
~The world population of chickens is about equal to people.
~Every time Beethoven sat down to write music, he poured
ice water over his head.
~In 75% of American households, women manage the money
and pay the bills.
~A monkey was once tried and convicted for smoking a
cigarette in South Bend, Indiana.
~About 70 percent of Americans who go to college do it
just to make more money.
~A Saudi Arabian woman can get a divorce if her husband
doesn't give her coffee.
~Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear
pants.
~The average bank teller loses about $250 every year.
~Einstein couldn't speak fluently when he was nine. His
parents thought he might be retarded.
~About a third of all Americans flush the toilet while they're
still sitting on it
~You're more likely to get stung by a bee on a windy day
than in any other weather.
~An average person laughs about 15 times a day.
~With a population of fewer than nine thousand people,
Montpelier, Vermont is the smallest state capital in the U.S.
~Abdul Kassem Ismael, Grand Vizier of Persia in the tenth
century, carried his library with him wherever he went. The
117,000 volumes were carried by 400 camels which were
trained to walk in alphabetical order.
~In every deck of cards the King of Hearts is sticking his sword through his head. That's why he's often called the "Suicide King"
~In English, "four" is the only digit that has the same
number of letters as its value.
~Conception occurs more often in December than any other month.
~A survey of 1000 American women and men revealed that their least
favorite household chore is vacuuming the stairs.
~It is estimated that 9 out of 10 American women wear shoes at
least 2 sizes too narrow.
~Only 14% of Americans say they've done this with the opposite sex. What is it? Skinny dipping.
~What separates "60 Minutes," on CBS from every other TV show? No theme song.
~Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of their birthplace.
~The average person will spend approximately one year out of their
lifetime searching for lost or misplaced items.
~If you're single, there's a 2 in 3 chance you lied to your significant
other about something, the last time you were together.
~It takes an average person about 7 minutes to fall asleep.
~The most common name in the world is Mohammed
~A "Bridal Guide" survey reveals that 77% of all newlywed couples
have sex in rooms other than the bedroom.
~If you were to spell out numbers, you would have to go to the number
one thousand before you would use an "A"
=Things That Are Odd=
-Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
-I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible
a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me--they were cramming for their finals.
-Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified
in case of an emergency. I think you should write ... A Very Good Doctor.
-Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . become Pen Pals to these people?
=Questions=
Q:Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?
A:He sold his soul to Santa
Q:Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
A:He's all right now.
Q:How do crazy people go through the forest?
A:They take the psycho path.
Q:What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
A:"Dam".
Q:What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
A:Polaroids.
Q:What do prisoners use to call each other?
A:Cell phones.
Q:What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A:A stick.
Q:What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
A:Nacho Cheese.
Q:What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
A:Quatro sinko.
Q:What do you get from a pampered cow?
A:Spoiled milk.
Q:What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A:Frosbite.
Q:What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree it
would kill you?
A:A pool table.
Q:What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
A:Sanka.
Q:...and what kind of lettuce?
A:Iceberg.
Q:What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal
thermometer?
A:The taste.
Q:What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A:Anyone can roast beef.
Q:Where do you find a no legged dog?
A:Right where you left him.
=Did You Know?=
+12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily. (This one is SCARY!)
+160 cars can drive side by side on the Monumental Axis in Brazil, the
+world's widest road.99% of the solar systems mass is concentrated in the sun.
+A 10-gallon hat barely holds 6 pints.
+A cow produces 200 times more gas a day than a person.
+A duck's quack doesn't echo. No one knows why.
+45-year-old Vittorio Luise's car went into a river near
Naples, Italy, in 1983. He managed to break a window,
climb out and swim to shore-where a tree blew over and killed him.
+A fully loaded supertanker travelling at normal speed takes a least
twenty minutes to stop.A giraffe can go without water longer than a camel can.
+A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
+A quarter has 119 grooves on its edge, a dime has one less groove!
=Anagrams=
~Eleven plus two = Twelve plus one
~Dormitory = Dirty Room
~Evangelist = Evil's Agent
~Desperation = A Rope Ends It
~The Morse Code = Here Come Dots
~Slot Machines = Cash Lost in 'em
~Animosity = Is No Amity
~Mother-in-law = Woman Hitler
~Snooze Alarms = Alas, No More Z's
~Alec Guinness = Genuine Class
~The Public Art Galleries = Large Picture Halls, I Bet
~A Decimal Point = I'm a Dot in Place
~The Earthquakes = That Queer Shake
~Out of This World:
That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind. =
A thin man ran; makes a large stride; left planet, pins flag on moon!
On to Mars!
Wise words: Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
=Extreme Bumper Stickers=
~Support Cannibalism, Eat Me!
~I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
~Keep honking while I reload.
~Taxation with representation isn't so hot, either!
~Your child may be an honor student but you're still an idiot.
~If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
=Actual Answers Given By contestants
on "The Family Feud" Game Show=
Name something a blind person might use - A sword
Name a song with moon in the title - Blue suede moon
Name a dangerous race - The Arabs
Name an item of clothing worn by the 3 musketeers - A horse
Name something that floats in the bath - Water
Name a famous cowboy - Buck Rogers
Something you put on walls - Roofs
Something in the garden that's green - Shed
Name a famous bridge - The bridge over troubled waters
Something you do in the bathroom - Decorate
Something with a hole in it - Window
=Thoughts...=
*If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?
*If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
*If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex in the box?
*Why do they put Braille on the number pads of drive-through bank machines?
*If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they stick Teflon on the pan?
*How do they get deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
*If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
*What's another word for thesaurus?
*Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
*Why is abbreviation such a long word?
*Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?
*Why do kamikaze pilots where helmets?
*How do you know when its time to tune your bagpipes?
*Does "virgin wool" come from sheep the shepherd hasn't caught yet?
*When you choke a smurf what color does it turn?
*Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
*If you shoot a mime should you use a silencer?
*What was the best thing before sliced bread?
*Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
*Is it possible to be totally partial?
*If a book about failure doesn't sell, is it a success?
*When it rains why don't sheep shrink?
*Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
*Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
*All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
*Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
*I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
*I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
*Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
*I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week
*I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met
*If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
*Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
