These are the jokes I have collected from e~mails this year.  If you have any you would like to add, send them to me at honestal23@yahoo.com with "joke" in the subject line.

In Chicago - An armed robber held up a convenience store,
but when his getaway car wouldn't start he returned to the
store, gave the money back and asked the people there to
help him. They gave him a jump, then called the cops…

… He was arrested and is doing 7-11 years…

According to a study by researchers at the Christchurch
School of Medicine in New Zealand, children who are
breast-fed longer do better in school, the benefits of
which can be measured into adolescence...

... So if you've got a big college test coming up, you
might want to try this excuse on your girlfriend...

On Januray 5, 1889: The hamburger was invented...
 

… The Early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

=The Lucky Number 5=
I was walking down the street the other day
when I saw my buddy Doug. I walked up to
him and mentioned that I had the most bizarre
dream the night before last. Doug listened
intently as I told him that the dream consisted
of one thing and one thing only. So I told him
that all I had dreamt about was a huge glowing
number "5." It was made of gold and sparkled with diamonds.

Doug's curiosity was peaked. I went on to say
that the first thing that I did in the morning was
to grab the daily racing digest and look up the
fifth race. Doug raised an eyebrow. So I told
him that the #5 horse in the fifth race was
named "The Fifth Element." Doug started
grinning. Then I told Doug point-by-point what
I did that day.

- I ate five bowls of cereal for breakfast and
drank five cups of coffee.

- I went for a five mile jog to clear my head.

- I took a five minute shower.

- I dressed in the fifth suit I found in my closet.

- I sat in my car for five minutes before starting it up.

- I drove to the racetrack and parked in the
fifth stall in the fifth row.

- I entered through the fifth admissions gate.

- I bought five programs.

- I went to the fifth betting window and bet
$555 on the fifth horse in the fifth race.

- I went and sat in the fifth row of the bleachers
making sure there were five people sitting on
either side of me. I settled in and waited for the
race to start.

"Well," said Doug. "Did the horse win?"

I smiled at Doug and said, "Of course not,
he came in fifth."

=A Letter of Apology=

When I came into the office this morning, I noticed
a sort of general feeling of unfriendliness, and
since several of you have called me a "dirty son
of a bitch" to my face, I knew I must have done
something wrong at the office New Years Party.

The Office Manager called me from the hospital
today and as this is my last day, I'd like to take this
way of apologizing to all of you.  I would prefer
speaking to everyone personally, but all of you
seem to go deaf and dumb whenever I try to talk to you.

First, to our dear and beloved boss, I am sorry for
all the things I called you Friday afternoon.  I'm
very much aware that your father is not a baboon,
nor your mother a Chinese whore. Your wife is a
delightful woman, and my story of you buying her
for 50 cents in Tijuana was strictly a figment of my
imagination.  Your children are undoubtedly yours,
too.  About the water cooler incident, you'll never
know how badly I feel about it, and I hope you didn't
hurt your head when they were trying to get the
glass jug off.

To Mary, I express my deepest regrets. In my own
defense, I must remind you that you seemed to
enjoy our little escapade on the stairway as much
as  I did until the bannister broke and we fell eight
feet to the second floor landing.  In spite of the
rupture you incurred when I landed on top of you,
I am sure you will admit that when we landed it
was one of the biggest thrills you have ever had.

Sam, you old cuss, you've just got to forgive me for
that little prank I played on you.  If I had known you
were goosey, I'd have never done it. It would have
been a lot worse if that fat lady hadn't been standing
right under the window you jumped through.  She
really broke your fall a lot. People have been killed
falling three stories.

Gene, I regret telling the fireman it was you who
turned in the false alarm.  But, of course, I had no
way of knowing they would make such a big deal
about it.  Those fire hoses sure have a lot of
pressure don't they? And the water is cold!!

Don, I know how you must feel about me.  Opening
the door to the broom closet suddenly must have
startled you and Millie quite badly, and to think how
hard you bumped your chin on the sink when you
bent over to pull up your pants, it makes me sick.
We'll have to get together for dinner some night
after the dentist finishes your plates.

Nancy, the only excuse I can offer for stealing all
your clothes and hiding them when I found you
passed out in the ladies room, is that I was drunk.
Also, I want you to know I was very embarrassed
when I couldn't remember where I hid them, and
you had to go home in that old sofa cover. Running
your falsies up the flag pole was a bit too much,
but like I said, I was a little drunk.

To all of you, I am sorry.  Setting Jan's panties
on fire seemed funny at the time, and it makes
me sad to hear that her husband is divorcing her
because of it.

Urinating in everyone's drink was in bad taste,
and not telling them about it until all the drinks
were gone was even worse.

Now that I have apologized to all of you and know
that I am forgiven, I will do my darndest to come
to the picnic......

"No problem at all. I just observed your safe
driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000
Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do
you think you're going to do with the money?"

John thought for a minute and said, "Well, I
guess I'll go get that drivers' license."

Judi, sitting in the passenger seat said to the
policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him --
he's a smartbutt when he's drunk and stoned."

Brian from the back seat said, "I TOLD you
guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!!!"

At that moment, there was a knock from the
trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over
the border yet?"

So, she pulled over and the police car pulled over
to the side right behind her car.  She drove her car
slowly to a stop, slowly rolled down the window, and
prepared for a ticket when she knew she didn't
deserve it.  A policeman walked up to her window,
and spoke to her.  The lady pointed to her ear and
shook her head, meaning she was deaf.  The
policeman smiled slightly and said, "I know. I'm here
to tell you that your horn is stuck."

"Labor charges!" she exclaimed. "It only took you
five minutes."

The repairman explained that his company had
a minimum one-hour charge on every house call.

"Well, I want my remaining 55 minutes of labor,"
the lady responded, and she handed him a rake.

The repairman spent the next 55 minutes in her
yard bagging leaves.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month
to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your
hearing is perfect. Your family must be really
pleased that you can hear again."

To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't
told my family yet. I just sit around and listen
to the conversations. I've changed my will
three times!"

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK,
Bubba how about Tom Cruise?"

"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom
Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba!
Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After
they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks
Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.

"President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."

And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on
the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba,
what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you
and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.

After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his
doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Bubba. "My folks are from Poland. I've known
the Pope a long time."

So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled
with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This
will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these
people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just
go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope
on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that
his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and
the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me
said, 'Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?'"