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Newer jokes will be posted on this page, while my fav's will go on the "Good Jokes" and "Short Jokes" pages.
George Bernard Shaw once sent two tickets to the opening
night of one of his plays to Winston Churchill with the
following note: "Bring a friend, if you have one."
Churchill wrote back, returning the two tickets and
excused himself as he had a previous engagement. He also
attached the following: "Please send me two tickets for the
next night, if there is one."
=True Charity=
A big, burly man visited the pastor's home and asked to see
the minister's wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses.
"Madam," he said in a broken voice, "I wish to draw your
attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this
district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work,
and the nine children are starving. They are about to be
turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays
their rent, which amounts to $400."
"How terrible!" exclaimed the preacher's wife. "May I ask who you are?"
The sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his
eyes. "I'm the landlord," he sobbed.
"He didn't want to marry her for her money, but he didn't know how else to get it."
=Terminal Cure=
A man goes into his doctors office for an annual physical. After a while, the doctor comes out and says, "I'm sorry Bill, but we have discovered you have a condition which only allows you another 6 weeksto live."
"But Doctor," Bill replied, "I feel great. I haven't felt better in years. This just can't be true. Isn't there anything I can do?"
After a moment the doctor said, "Well, you might start going down the street tothat new health spa and take a mud bath every day."
Excitedly Bill asked, "And that will cure me?"
"No," replied the doctor, "but it will get you used to the dirt."
"Big John Doesn't Pay!"
One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage,
started his bus, and drove off along the route. No
problems for the first few stops - a few people got
on, a few got off, and things went generally well.
At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on.
Six feet eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging
down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said,
"Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back.
Oh, did I mention that the driver was five feet three,
thin, and basically meek? Well, he was. Naturally,
he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy about it.
The next day the same thing happened - Big John got
on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down.
And the next day, and the one after that, and so forth.
This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep
over the way Big John was taking advantage of him.
Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for
body building courses, karate, judo, and all that good
stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite
strong; what's more, he felt really good about himself.
So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got
on the bus and said, "Big John doesn't pay!," the driver
stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed, "And why not?!?"
With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a bus pass."
And remember, a ship in harbor is safe, but that is notwhat ships are built for.
=On The Bus=
Two girls boarded a crowded bus and one of them
whispered to the other, "Watch me embarrass a man into giving me his seat."
Pushing her way through the crowd, she turned all
her charms upon a gentleman who looked like he might embarrass easily.
"My dear Mr. Wilson," she gushed, "fancy meeting
you on the bus. Am I glad to see you. Why, you're
almost a stranger. My, but I'm tired."
The sedate gentleman looked up at the girl. He had
never seen her before, but he rose and said pleasantly,
"Sit down, Mary, my girl. It isn't often I see you on washday.
No wonder you're tired. Being pregnant isn't easy. By the
way, don't deliver the wash until Thursday. My wife is
going to the District Attorney's office to see whether she
can get your husband out of jail."
As the lawyer woke up after surgery, he said, "Why are all the blinds drawn?"
The doctor answered, "There's a big fire across the
street, and we didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."
Drunk #1: "Do you know what time it is?"
Drunk #2: "Sure."
Drunk #1: "Thanks."
=Chainsaw=
A Polish guy is walking down the street and passes a
hardware store advertising a sale on a chainsaw capable of
cutting 700 trees in seven hours. The Pole thinks that's a
great deal and decides to buy one.
The next day, he comes back with the saw and complains to
the salesman that the thing didn't come close to chopping
down the 700 trees the ad said it would.
"Let's test it out back," offers the salesman. Finding a
log, the salesman pulls the starter cord and the saw makesa great roaring sound.
"Jeepers!" exclaims the Pole. "What's that noise?"
=Pardon Me?? You Want A What???=
I've always ordered beverages one simple way:
"A Coke, please." Lately, though, this hasn't seemed to work.
Waitresses now often respond, "I'm sorry, we don't have Coke. We have Pepsi, Diet Pepsi, Dr. Pepper, Mr. Pibb."
Tired of listening to the long list of soft drinks, I thought I'd make life easier. So one day I simply asked the snack bar clerk at a movie theater for a "dark, carbonated beverage."
The young man behind the counter chuckled and asked, "Ma'am, would you like a cylindrical plastic sucking device with that?"
Three elderly men are at the doctor's office for a memory test.
The doctor asks the first man, "What is three times three?"
"274," is his reply.
The doctor rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling, and
says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is threetimes three?"
"Tuesday," replies the second man.
The doctor shakes his head sadly, then asks the third man,
"Okay, your turn. What's three times three?"
"Nine," says the third man.
"That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that?"
"Simple," he says, "just subtract 274 from Tuesday."
=Taste My Soup. Please!=
One afternoon a waiter served a bowl of chicken
soup to an elderly gentleman. As he turned away
to return to the kitchen the customer stopped him, calling: "Waiter!"
WAITER: "Yes,sir, is there something wrong?"
CUSTOMER: "The soup. Taste it."
WAITER: "I beg your pardon, Sir?"
CUSTOMER: "Taste it."
WAITER: "But, Sir, I can assure you that the soup is excellent."
CUSTOMER: "Taste it."
WAITER: "Sir, the soup was made this morning
of the finest ingredients."
CUSTOMER: "Taste it!"
WAITER: exasperated, "All right, Sir, I'll taste it." Then after a pause he said, "Where is the spoon?"
To which the customer replied triumphantly, "Ah ha!!"
=New Car=
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile
dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the
keys had been accidentally locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a
mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's
side door. As I watched from the passenger's side,
I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open.
"Look," I announced to the technician, "It's open!"
"Oh, I know," answered the young man, concentrating
furiously. "I already got THAT side."
"Please, sir," pleaded the stranger, "would you be so kind
as to help a poor unfortunate fellow who is hungry and
can't find work? All I have in the world is this gun."
=Blonde Burglary=
The Baltimore Police Department, famous for it's superior
K-9 unit, was somewhat taken back by a recent incident.
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her
house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police
at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels,
and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first on thescene.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog
on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, clapped a hand
to her head and moaned, "I come home from work to find all
my possessions stolen, I call the police for help, and what
do they do? They send a BLIND policeman!"
=Country Solutions=
Dr. Cutter is the local Veterinarian, known for his
wry humor. He surpassed himself one summer day when a city dog was brought to him after an encounter with a porcupine.
After almost an hour of prying, pulling, cutting and
stitching, he returned the dog to its owner, who asked what she owed.
"Thirty dollars, Ma'am," he answered.
"Why that's simply outrageous!" she stormed. "That's what's wrong with you Maine people, you're always trying to over-charge summer visitors. Whatever do you do in the winter, when we're not being gypped here?"
"Raise porcupines, Ma'am."
=Cross-eyed Dog=
A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said to him,
"My dog’s cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well..." said the vet, "let's have a look at him."
So he picks the dog up by the ears and has a good look at its eyes.
"Well," says the vet, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"Just because he's cross-eyed?" exclaims the man.
"No, because he's heavy," replies the vet.
"I hate flowers. I only paint them because they're cheaper
than models and they don't move."
--Georgia O'Keefe
A psychiatrist was doing his rounds when he entered one of
his patient's room. He found him sitting on the floor,
pretending to saw a piece of wood in half. Hanging from the
ceiling, by his feet, was another man.
The doctor asked the imaginary wood-smith what he was
doing, and the patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing
this piece of wood in half?"
The doctor then asked what the guy hanging from his feet
was doing, and the wood-smith responded, "Oh, he's my
friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb."
The doctor looks up and notices the light bulb’s face is
completely red, and says, "If he's your friend, you should
get him down from there before he hurts himself?"
"What?" exclaims the wood-smith, "and work in the dark?"
"I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun
to call him...'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!' He went
insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing."
-- Steven Wright
Just think, in a few million years Barney will be motor oil.
I'm worried about my daughter's boyfriend. I told him she had to
be home by 10:15 and he said, "October 15? Cool!"
1st man: "I woke up this morning and felt so bad that I tried to
kill myself by taking a thousand aspirin."
2nd man: "Oh really, what happened?"
1st man: "After the first two, I felt better."
Subject: Linguistics:
The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant.
If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a
Bostonian "pahks his cah," the lost R's migrate southwest,
causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in "erl" wells.
=Vet's Second Opinion=
A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog,
screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an
examination room and has him put his dog down on
the examination table. The vet examines the still,
limp body and after a few moments tells the man
that his dog, regrettable, is dead.
The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept
this, demands a second opinion.
The vet goes into the back room and comes out with
a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body.
The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking
and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet
and meows. The vet looks at the man and says,
"I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too."
The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.
The vet brings in a black labrador. The lab sniffs the
body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the
vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm
sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."
The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the
vet and asks how much he owes.
The vet answers, "$650."
"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man....
"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you
$50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was
for the cat scan and lab tests."
A teen-aged boy with spiked hair, nose ring, and baggy clothes
was overheard telling a friend, "I don't really like to dress
like this, but it keeps my parents from dragging me everywhere with them."
=Vet's Joint Business Venture=
My brother tired of being a taxidermist after 15 years,
and went to veterinarian school. His new business
never got off the ground so he decided to operate
both his taxidermy and vet business together to save money.
His new slogan was:
"No Matter What Happens - You Get Your Cat Back!"
Why do our kids have to take the Iowa Test for Basic Skills?
Why can't we have a Georgia Test of Basic Skills with questions
like, "Bubba's got three cars and he done traded for two more.
How many cement blocks is Bubba gonna need?"
Tact is the ability to describe others as they seethemselves.
--- Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)
A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go
from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York." The agent
was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you
sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights
do you have?" replied the customer. After some
searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry,
ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the
country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere."
The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone
knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent
scoured a map of the state of New York and finally
offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's
it! I knew it was a big animal!"
I need another cup of coffee to kick-start me today. I'm
going to treat myself and head over to McDonald's for a
fresh, piping hot cup of jo. Maybe I'll get lucky and spill
it all over my groin, then sue McDonald's for millions ofdollars and retire.
It could happen.
=Down The Runway
Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped,
turned around and returned to the gate.
After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the
engine," explained the Flight Attendant, "and it took
us a while to find a new pilot."
=Caught Red-Handed"
Little Van is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool.
"You're not allowed to pee in the pool," said the
lifeguard. "I'm going to report you."
"But everyone pees in the pool," said Little Van.
"Maybe," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!"
=Charity=
A bum asks a man for $2.
The man asks, "Will you buy booze?"
The bum says, "No."
The man then asks, "Will you gamble it away?"
The bum again says, "No."
Then the man asks, "Will you come home with me, so my wife
can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"
Put on your seatbelt... I wanna try something.
Sign by stuffed fish on wall:
If I had kept my mouth shut I wouldn't be here.
=Poor Husband=
A funeral service is being held in a church for a woman who
has just passed away. At the end of the service, the
pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they
accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan.
They open the casket and find that the woman is actually
still alive. She lives for ten more years and then dies.
A ceremony is again held at the same church and at the end
of the ceremony, the pallbearers are again carrying out
the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out,
"WATCH OUT FOR THAT WALL!"
"Ever notice how it's a penny for your thoughts, yet you put
in your two-cents? Someone is making a penny on the deal."
---Steven Wright
=Blonde Painting=
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of
all these blonde jokes, and of how all blondes are
perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband
that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at
work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple ofrooms in the house.
The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she
gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at
5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks
into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floorin a pool of sweat.
He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat
at the same time. He rushes over and says, "Jeez, are youall right?" She slowly nods her head yes.
"What are you doing?" he asks incredulously.
"I wanted to prove that not all blonde women are dumb," she
started, "and I wanted to do it by painting the house."
"Well why do you have both a ski jacket and a fur coat on?"he asks dumbfounded.
"Well," she says, "I was reading the directions on the
paint can and it said: For best results, put on two coats."
=Brains vs Brawl=
The strong young man at the construction site was
bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of
strength. He made a special case of making fun of
one of the older workmen. After several minutes,
the older worker had had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth
is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can
haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that
outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."
The old man reached out and grabbed the
wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to
the young man, he said with a smile, "All right. Get in."
"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?"
--Mork, "Mork & Mindy"
=Doc, Help Me!=
Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've
got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's
somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's
somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. You
gotta help me, Doc! I'm going crazy!"
"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said
the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"A hundred dollars per visit."
"I'll sleep on it," said Shakey.
Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street.
"Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.
"Ha! For a hundred bucks a visit? A bartender cured me for $10."
"Oh? Is that so! How?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"
It's a little-known fact that the Y1K problem caused the Dark Ages.
=Fussing Customer=
A man walked into a bakery and said, "I want a birthday cake
baked for me in the shape of the letter S."
The baker nodded, "I’ll have that ready by three this afternoon.
But it will cost extra for the S shape."
"Money is no object," said the customer.
At three o’clock the customer was back. The cake was proudly
presented in all its serpentine glory, and the man lost his
temper. "Not an ordinary S, you idiot," he shouted. "I want a
beautiful flowing S in script."
The baker said, "But you didn’t say so. If you can come back at
eight this evening, I’ll have it for you, but it’s going to cost extra."
The customer was back at eight. Another cake was presented. He
looked at it critically and said, "I don’t like the way the ‘Happy
Birthday’ looks. Can you rewrite it? I’ll pay extra for your trouble."
"I can fix that in no time. Come back in half an hour," said the baker.
By eight thirty he was back, and the cake was perfect. With a
sigh of relief, the baker pulled a box down and prepared to package the cake.
"Hold it," said the customer. "I’m eating it here."
=Insane?=
A man is walking by an insane asylum at dusk when he hears a
bunch of people chanting eerily, "Thirteen. Thirteen. Thirteen…"
His curiosity piqued, he finds a hole in the fence and peeks
through. Suddenly, a finger pops through and pokes his eye out.
Now the chanting changes to, "Fourteen. Fourteen. Fourteen…"
=Our Crazy Language=
~Did you know that "verb" is a noun?
~How can you look up words in a dictionary if you can't spell them?
~If a word is misspelled in a dictionary, how would we ever know?
~If two mouses are mice and two louses are lice, why aren't two houses hice?
~If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
~If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?
~If you've read a book, you can reread it. But wouldn't this
also mean that you would have to "member" somebody in order to remember them?
~In Chinese, why are the words for crisis and opportunity the same?
~Is it a coincidence that the only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable?
~Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"?
~Where do swear words come from?
~Why can't you make another word using all the letters in "anagram"?
~Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
~Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
~Why do people use the word "irregardless"?
~Why do some people type "cool" as "kewl?"
~Why do we say something is out of whack? What is awhack?
~Why do we say something's out of order when its broken but we never say in of order when it works?
~Why does "cleave" mean both split apart and stick together?
~Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
~Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?
~Why does the Chinese ideogram for trouble symbolize
two women living under one roof?
~Why does X stand for a kiss and O stand for a hug?
~Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is?
~Why don't we say "why" instead of "how come"?
~Why is "crazy man" an insult, while to insert a comma and say "Crazy, man!" is a compliment?
~Why are a wise man and wise guy opposites?
~Why is abbreviation such a long word?
~Why is dyslexic so hard to spell?
~Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?
~Why is it that no word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple?
~Why is it that the word "gullible" isn't in the dictionary?
~Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital?
~Why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
~Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
~Why is the plural of goose-geese, and not the plural of moose-meese?
~Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards?
~Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
=Some Rescue!=
There is a small rural town, somewhat northeast to the
city of Niagara Falls, NY. One evening, a resident of the
town called the local volunteer fire department to request
assistance in removing their cat from a tree. Since this
was a "questionable" call, the fire control dispatcher
called the fire chief at home to ask if he wanted to respond.
The chief said sure, call out the department, since it was
early evening and it shouldn't be a problem for the volunteers to respond.
The fire department responded with a rescue truck which
had an extension ladder. The tree, however, was too tall
and willowy to support the weight of the extension ladder.
Rather than send men back to the fire hall to bring the aerial
ladder truck, one of the firefighters (a blond?) suggested an
alternate course of action. Two of the firefighters supported
the ladder while a third climbed high enough to tie a rope
around the tree at about half its height.
The other end of the rope was tied to a trailer hitch on a
pickup truck, with the truck slowly driven forward, forcing
the tree to bend over. One firefighter was poised to grab the
cat as soon as it was within his reach.
The knot securing the rope to the trailer hitch slipped free.
The cat was last seen airborne heading south toward the
city of Niagara Falls, and was never seen again.
This incident adds a rather new definition to the word "catapult."
Needless to say, the particular fire department did not receive
praise from the local ASPCA when the story made its rounds.
=Black Suits=
Julius and Irving, two very religious Jewish men, visited
Marcus Pinkus the tailor to have new black suits made. When
they went to pick up the suits, Julius looked at his suit
very carefully; held it up to the light, walked over to the
window, examined it more carefully and then proclaimed,
"Marcus, this suit is navy blue. It's not black!"
"Trust me," said Marcus, "its black!"
"Irving, what do you think? Blue, or black?" asked Julius.
"To tell you the truth," said Irving, "I can't really tell
from this light if it's blue or black."
They left wearing their new suits and while walking down
the street kept examining each other's suit to see if they
were blue or black. Then they spotted two nuns standing on
the corner and decided to go stand next to them. They knew
their habits would be black and this way they could besure.
Well, later that afternoon, the two nuns returned to the
convent and visited with the mother superior to discusstheir day in the city.
"A very strange thing occurred." reported one of the nuns.
"Two Jewish men approached us on the street and they werespeaking Latin!"
"Latin?" exclaimed mother superior. "Jewish men don't speak
Latin; they speak Hebrew!"
"No." said the other nun. "It was definitely Latin!"
"Well, what did they say exactly?" asked the mothersuperior.
"I'm not really sure," said one of the nuns. "They just
kept repeating the same Latin phrase:
"Marcus Pinkus Fuctus!"
Dear John,
I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement. Won't you forgive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart. I was a fool, nobody can take your place. I love you.
All my love,
Belinda. xxxxoooxxxx
P.S. Congratulations on winning this week's lottery.
=Sayings That Should Be Buttons Or Bumper Stickers=
*Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
*Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
*Do I look like a freakin' people person?
*This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
*I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
*Does your train of thought have a caboose?
*And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?
*Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
*Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."
*Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
*Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
*Back off! You're standing in my aura.
*Adults are just kids who owe money.
*I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
*You look like poop. Is that the style now?
*I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
*I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
*Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?
*A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
*I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
*If I throw a stick, will you leave?
*You! Off my planet!
*Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
*I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.
*Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
*If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil.
*See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
*Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
*Do they ever shut up on your planet?
*I majored in liberal arts. Would you like fries with that?
*Why should I leave the house?
*Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
*It's not the size of the bus, but the skill of the driver.
=Rave Reviews=
Two goats are out behind a movie studio eating old movie
film. One goat says to the other, "Pretty good, huh?"
The second goat says, "Yeah, but it's not as good as the book."
=Helping Hand=
A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a
very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house acrossthe street.
However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too highfor him to reach.
After watching the boys efforts for some time, the priest
moves closer to the boy's position.
He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the
little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's
shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring.
Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles
benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"
To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"
"Cigarettes smoke. You're just the sucker."
The West Hawaii Today newspaper recently reported the death
of: Hy Hoe Silva, 41, of Waimea.
=Diagnosis=
A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been
feeling well. The doctor examines him, leaves the room and
comes back with three different bottles of pills.
The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of
water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass
of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take
the red pill with another big glass of water."
Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers,
"Jeez doc, exactly what's my problem?"
Doctor says, "You're not drinking enough water."
=Drunk=
This really drunk guy walks up to a parking meter and puts
in a quarter. He stares at the needle that has stopped at
60 and exclaims, "I can't believe I lost 100 pounds!"
=Wise Woman=
An old woman had two chickens as pets. One chicken got sick,
so she killed the other one to make chicken soup for the sick one.
A couple was touring a shipyard area in a coastal city of
Italy when they saw a strange looking craft. They stopped
and asked a worker, "Sir, is that a U-boat?
"No," he replied, shesa belonga to da goverment."
=God Will Provide=
A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents.
After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about
the young man. The father invites the fiancee to his study for a drink.
"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.
"I am a Torah scholar." he replies.
"A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "Admirable, but
what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to
live in, as she's accustomed to?"
"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such
as she deserves?" asks the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies,
"God will provide for us."
"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiance.
The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the
father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.
Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?"
The father
answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news ishe thinks I'm God."
=Missing Work=
For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work
at 9A.M. on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late.
Consequently, when on one particular day
9 A.M. passed without Johnson's arrival, it
caused a sensation. All work ceased, and the
boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering,
came out into the corridor.
Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up,
clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and
bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to
the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that
all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down
two flights of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself."
And the boss said, "And to roll down two flights
of stairs took you a whole hour?"
=Coming Home Gift=
After being away on business for a week before Christmas,
Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.
"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.
She showed him a bottle costing $50.
"That's a bit much," said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.
"Thats still quite a bit," Tom groused.
Growing disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle.
Tom grew agitated, "What I mean," he said, "is I'd like to see
something real cheap." So the clerk handed him a mirror.
=Unique Wedding=
A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was
coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop,
and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side
and groom's side). While facing the crowd, he would
put his hands up like claws and roar... So it went, step,
step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR all the way down the aisle.
As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from
laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.
The little boy, however, was getting more and more
distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears
by the time he reached the pulpit.
When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and
said, "I was being the Ring Bear...."
=Last Request=
Three men were sentenced to jail for 20 yrs. before they were sent to
their cells they were granted one request each. The first prisoner requested
that his wife stay with him. The second prisoner asked for enough books to
read till his 20 years was over. The third prisoner requested 250 cartons of
cigarettes.
Twenty years passed and the first prisoner was allowed to go and when they
opened the cell he was very happy and had started a family with a few
children. The second prisoner came out very learned and intelligent and became
a professor. When they opened the cell door for the third prisoner they saw
the guy frantically slapping his pockets and asking, "Any one got a match?"
=Offering=
One Sunday after church, a little boy came up to the preacher and handed him
a handful of coins. The boy told the preacher that was his weekly allowance
and he wanted him to have it. The preacher was touched by the gift and
thanked the boy.
The boy replied, "I wanted to give it to you because my mother told me you
were the poorest preacher our church has ever had!"
=Assurances=
mpletely inebriated man was stumbling down the street
with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop
pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."
Our wasted friend asked, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely sureI'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was a cripple."
=Christmas Gift Exchange=
Roy Collette and his brother-in-law have been exchanging the
same pair of pants as a Christmas present for 11 years - and
each time the package gets harder to open. This year the pants
came wrapped in a car mashed into a 3-foot cube. The trousers
are in the glove compartment of a 1974 Gremlin. Now Collette's
plotting his revenge--if he can get them out.
It all started when Collette received a pair of moleskin trousers
from his brother-in-law, Larry Kunkel of Bensenville, Ill. Kunkel's
mother had given her son the britches when he was a college
student. He wore them a few times, but they froze stiff in cold
weather and he didn't like them. So he gave them to Collette.
Collette, who called the moleskins "miserable", wore them three
times, then wrapped them up and gave them back to Kunkel for
Christmas the next year.
The friendly exchange continued routinely until Collette twisted
the pants tightly, stuffed them into a 3-foot-long, 1-inch wide tube
and gave them back to Kunkel. The next Christmas, Kunkel
compressed the pants into a 7-inch square, wrapped them with
wire and gave the "bale" to Collette. Not to be outdone, the next
year Collette put the pants into a 2-foot-square crate filled with
stones, nailed it shut, banded it with steel and gave the trusty
trousers back to Kunkel.
The brothers agreed to end the caper if the trousers were
damaged. But they were as careful as they were clever.
Kunkel had the pants mounted inside an insulated window that
had a 20-year guarantee and shipped them off to Collette.
Collette broke the glass, recovered the trousers, stuffed them
into a 5-inch coffee can and soldered it shut. The can was put
in a 5-gallon container filled with concrete and reinforcing rods
and given to Kunkel the following Christmas. Two years ago,
Kunkel installed the pants in a 225-pound homemade steel
ashtray made from 8-inch steel casings and etched Collette's
name on the side. Collette had trouble retrieving the treasured
trousers, but succeeded without burning them with a cutting torch.
Last Christmas, Collette found a 600-pound safe and hauled it
to Viracon Inc. in Owatonna, where the shipping department
decorated it with red and green stripes, put the pants inside and
welded the safe shut. The safe was then shipped to Kunkel, who
is the plant manager for Viracon's outlet in Bensenville.
Last week, the pants were trucked to Owatonna, 55 miles south
of Minneapolis, in a drab green, 3-foot cube that once was a car
with 95,000 miles on it. A note attached to the 2,000-pound
scrunched car advised Collette that the pants were inside the glove compartment.
"This will take some planning," Collette said. "I will definitely get
them out. I'm confident." But he's waiting until January to think
about how to recover the bothersome britches.
"Wait until next year," he warned. "I'm on the offensive again."
=Lost Purse=
A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas
shopping. It was found by an honest little boy and
returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented,
"Hmmm.... That's funny. When I lost my bag there
was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills."
The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time
I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."
=Modern Santa's Lap=
As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the
usual, "And what would you like for Christmas?"
The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for
a minute, then gasped: "Didn't you get my E-mail?"
=Miracles Again=
Jesus and Moses are sitting in a boat fishing when Jesus says, "I want to perform a miracle so it will feel like the good old days."
Moses says, "Yeah, sure."
So Jesus gets up and says, "I think I'll walk on water, that was always a good one."
So Jesus walks over to the edge of the boat, steps into the water and sinks like a stone. Moses drags him back into the boat and revives him.
Moses says, "What's the problem?"
Jesus replies, "I don't know, but it could be these holes in my feet!"
=Museum Facts=
Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are
marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the
guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"
The guard replies, "They are 3 million, four years, and sixmonths old."
"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do
you know their age so precisely?"
The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three
million years old when I started working here, and that was
four and a half years ago."
=Where Does Grandma Live?=
When I stopped the bus to pick up Chris for preschool,
I noticed an older woman hugging him as he left the house.
"Is that your grandmother?" I asked.
"Yes," Chris said. "She's come to visit us for Christmas."
"How nice," I said. "Where does she live?"
"At the airport," Chris replied. "Whenever we want her,
we just go out there and get her."
=Gorilla Problem=
A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof.
So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an
ad for "Gorilla Removers." He calls the number, and the
gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's
got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit
bull. "What are you going to do", the homeowner asks?
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm
going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof
with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the
pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go.
The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him
in the cage in the back of the van."
So the guy puts the ladder up, gets the bat and the shot-
gun and walks towards the ladder. As he gets to the base of
the ladder, he hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog!"
A doctor is walking down the hall of the hospital toward
his office when he passes Mother Angelica walking very
briskly while saying her rosary rather loudly. His
associate, a Psychotherapist, comes around the corner
next and he asks him about this.
"Hey, what's with Mother Angelica? She was just hoofing
down the hall and saying her rosary to beat the band."
"Aw, I just told her she was pregnant."
"My God, is she?"
"No, of course not, but it sure cured her hiccups!"
=The Drunk and The Nun=
There is man sitting in a bar who is really, really drunk.
When the bar closes he gets up to go home. He stumbles and
falls couple of times and finally manages to get out of thedoor.
As he gathers himself, he sees a nun passing by. He
stumbles over to her and starts punching her in the face.
The nun is shocked beyond belief, but before she could say
anything, he leans over and punches her again.
This time the nun hits the pavement. The drunk stumbles
over to her, kicks her in the butt, picks her up and throws
her against the wall. By now the nun is very weak and can
barely move. He leans over her, grabbing her by the collar
of her habit and says,
"Not feeling too STRONG tonight, ARE YOU, BATMAN!"
=The Pill=
Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was
always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened
to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to
his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed.
Tom slept well, and in fact, beat the alarm in the morning. He
had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.
"Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!"
"That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"
Knowledge is power. Power corrupts. Corruption is a crime.
Crime doesn't pay. So if you keep studying you'll go broke!
=Little Camel=
The little camel went to his mother and asked, "Mother, why
do we camels have such big eyes?"
She looked on him lovingly and replied, "You see, my son,
when we are walking in the dessert and the wind starts to
blowing and there's sand everywhere, we need these big eyes
to keep an eye on one another so that we don't get lost."
"Oh!" he said. "And why do we have such huge feet?
"Well," she said, "they allow us to walk easily in the
dessert sands and help us avoid sinking into the dunes."
"Wow," he said, "great equipment. What the heck is thisstuff on our backs for?"
"You see," his mother informed, "we can walk for days, even
weeks without food or water, so we use it to store fat
during those times. But why do you ask me all these obviousquestions?"
"Well, mother," said the young camel, "I was just
wondering, if we've got all of this great stuff, what hell
are we doing in the zoo!"
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world is Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be, that one ofus is Chinese.
It's either my mom or my dad, my older brother Colin, me or
my youngest brother Ho-Cha-Chu. I think it's Colin.
=The Shabbos Stroll=
Moe and Lenny are strolling home from shul one Saturday
morning. Suddenly a cab speeds past, and their friend,
Irving, is running frantically behind it, flailing his arms wildly.
"Well," said Lenny, "I never imagined our good friend Irving
was a Sabbath violator! Look at him running for that taxi."
"Wait a minute," Moe replied. "Didn't you read that book I
lent you, The Other Side of the Story, about the command
to judge other people favorably? I'll bet we can think of
hundreds of excuses for Irving's behavior."
"Yeah, like what?"
"Maybe he's sick and needs to go to the hospital."
"Come on! He was running 60 miles an hour after that cab -
he's healthier than Arnold Schwartzenweis."
"Well, maybe his wife's having a baby."
"She had one last week."
"Well, maybe he needs to visit her in the hospital."
"She's home."
"Well, maybe he's running to the hospital to get a doctor."
"He *is* a doctor."
"Well, maybe he need supplies from the hospital."
"The hospital is a three minute walk in the opposite direction."
"Well, maybe he forgot that it's Shabbos!"
"Of course he knows it's Shabbos. Didn't you see his tie?
It was his paisley beige 100% silk Giovani tie from Italy.
He never wears it during the week."
"Wow, you're a really observant! I didn't even notice he was wearing a tie."
"How could you not notice? Didn't you see how it was
caught on the back fender of the taxi?"
“The Hunter and the Bear”
In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was
suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear. In his fear,
all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful.
Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could.
The hunter ran and ran and ran, his lungs burned for lack
of oxygen, his heart pounding so hard he felt like it would
burst out of his chest. Then suddenly, he ended up at the
edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim. Seeing no
way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in
rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened
his arms, and exclaimed, "Dear Lord! Please give this bear some *religion*!"
The skies darkened, and there was lightning in the air.
Just a few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to abrupt
stop, and glanced around, somewhat confused.
Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky, kneeled and said,
"Thank you, Lord, for this food I'm about to receive...."
=Failing Math=
A ten year old public school boy was finding fifth grade
math to be the challenge of his life. Science? A piece
of cake. Geography? No big deal. Spelling? Ha! Give
me a break... but MATH? It was devastating! To not only
him, but his mom and dad, too! And not that they weren't
doing everything and anything to help their son... Private
tutors, peer assistance, CD-ROMS, Textbooks, even HYPNOSIS!
Nothing worked.
Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided
to enroll their son in a private school. Not just ANY private
school, but a Catholic school. Nuns. Daily mass. The whole shootin' match.
Well, the first day of school finally arrived, and dressed in
his salt-and-pepper cords and white wool dress shirt and
blue cardigan sweater, the youngster ventured out into the
great unknown. His mother and father were convinced they
were doing the right thing. They were both there waiting for
their son when he returned home.
And when he walked in with a stern, focused and very
determined expression on his face, they hoped they had
made the right choice. He walked right past them and went
straight to his room - and quietly closed the door.
For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room - with math
books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He
only emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning
his plate, he went straight back to his room, closed the door,
and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime.
This pattern continued ceaselessly until it was time for the
first quarter report card. After school, the boy walked into the
home with his report card - unopened - in his hand. Without
a word, he dropped the envelope on the family dinner table
and went straight to his room. His parents were petrified. What
lay inside the envelope? Success? Failure? DOOM?!?
Patiently, cautiously the mother opened the letter, and to her
amazement and joy, she saw a bright red "A" under the subject,
MATH. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's
room, thrilled at the remarkable progress of their young son!
"Was it the nuns that did it?", the father asked.
The boy only shook his head and said, "No."
"Was it the one-on-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?", asked the mother.
Again, the boy shrugged, "No."
"The textbooks? The teacher? The curriculum?" asked the father.
"Nope," said the son. "It was all very clear to me from the very
first day of school that I had to work very hard."
"How's so?", asked his mom.
"When I walked into the lobby, and I saw that guy they'd nailed
to the plus sign, I knew that these folks in Catholic school meant business!"
When you have got an elephant by the hind legs and he is
trying to run away, it is best to let him run. ---Abraham Lincoln
=Central Park Incident=
Two boys are playing football in Central Park when
one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking
quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby
fence, wedges it down the dogs collar and twists, breaking the dogs neck.
A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and
rushes over to interview the boy. "Young Giants Fan
Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook.
"But I'm not a Giants fan," the little hero replied.
"Sorry, since we are in New York, I just assumed you
were." said the reporter and starts again. "Little Jets
Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack" he continued writing in his notebook.
"I'm not a Jets fan either," the boy said.
"I assumed everyone in New York was either for the
Giants or Jets. "What team do you root for?" the reporter asked.
"I'm a Cowboys fan." the child said.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes,
"Little Redneck Bastard Kills Beloved Family Pet."
A man answered his doorbell and a friend walked in followed
by a very large and excited dog. As they began talking, the
dog knocked over a lamp and jumped up on the sofa with his
muddy feet and began chewing on one of the pillows.
The outraged householder, unable to contain himself any
longer, burst out, "Don't you think you should train yourdog better?"
"My dog!" exclaimed the friend, surprised. "I thought itwas your dog!"
There are two polite people having dinner together. On the table
there is a dish with one big piece of fish and one small pieceof fish.
They politely say to each other: "You may choose first."
"No, you may choose first." And this goes on for a while.
Then the first person says: "OK, I'll take first."
And he takes the BIG piece of fish.
The second person: "Hey, why did you take the big piece? That's not polite!"
The first person says: "Which piece would you have taken?"
The second person replies: "I would have taken the SMALL piece, of course."
The first person says: "Well, that's what you got now!"
=Boss's Itinerary=
To ensure that you have a good time on your trip to
Australia, your team members have planned and
developed a special itinerary to fill the time during
your leisure hours. Agenda follows:
Day 1: The "10 Deadliest Snakes" Fall Tour. You and
a guest will be escorted through the outback and
provided with the opportunity to handle and examine
each of the world's 10 most deadly snakes.
Day 2: The "Great White Encounter." You and your tour
guide will take a small boat to the Great Barrier
Reef, where you will be able to dive into the
chum-laden water and experience the beauty of theGreat White shark.
Day 3: The Aboriginal "Festival of Spears." You will
be the honored guest of a small aboriginal village as
they celebrate the subjugation of the aboriginal race
by the white man, with free liquor and a specialweapons exhibition.
Day 4: The "Crocodile Dundee" Petting Zoo. You will
be able to come up-close and personal with the
occasionally harmless salt-water crocodiles of the
Australian coast. Lucky audience members are asked
to participate in a croc wrestling exhibition.
Day 5: "Those Marvelous Morays." This tour will once
again return you to the beauty of the Great Barrier
Reef, where you will be allowed to hand feed special
finger-shaped sausages to the wild eels of StubbyHand Reef.
We hope you will enjoy your trip!
~Your loyal employees.
A jeweler watched as a huge truck pulled up in front of his
store. The back came down and an elephant walked out. It broke
one of the windows with its tusk and then, using its trunk like
a vacuum cleaner sucked up all of the jewelry. The elephant
then got back in the truck and it disappeared out of sight.
When the jeweler finally regained his senses he called the
police. The detectives came and he told them his story.
"Could you describe the elephant?" the cop asked.
"An elephant is an elephant," he replied. "You've seen one
you've seen them all. What do you mean 'describe' him?"
"Well," said the policeman, "there are two types of elephants,
African and Indian. The Indian elephant has smaller ears and is
not as large as the African elephant."
"I can't help you out," said the frustrated jeweler, "he had a
stocking pulled over his head."
=Avoiding A Speeding Ticket=
A Howard County Traffic Policeman recently stopped a woman for exceeding the posted speed limit. He asked the driver her name.
She said, "I'm Mrs. Ladislav Abdulkhashim Zybkcicraznovskaya from the Republic of Uzbekistan visiting my daughter in Columbia."
The cop put away his summons book and pen, and said, "Well... OK... but don't let me catch you speeding again."
=Costume Party=
A man went to his boss's costume party with nothing on
but a young naked woman on his back.
"So what the hell are you supposed to be?" the boss asked.
"I'm a snail." The man replied.
"What a load of crap!" his boss spat. "How can you be a
snail when all you've got is that young naked woman on your back?"
"You've got it wrong," the man replied. "That's Michelle."
=Bloody Nose=
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered
in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and
began hassling him about where he got it. He told
them to go away and let him get some sleep. However,
the bats persisted until finally he gave in.
"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with
hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley
they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.
"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a hungry frenzy.
"Good," said the first bat tiredly, "Because I didn't!"
=Wise Lesson=
A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the
sticks when he was amazed to find a former lieutenant
on the police force covering the beat. He stopped the
car and asked, "Why, Mike, this wouldn't be your new
beat out here in the sticks, would it?"
"That it is," Mike replied grimly, "ever since I arrested
the judge on his way to the masquerade ball."
"You mean you pinched his honor?" asked Pat.
"How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume?" demanded Mike.
"Well," mused Pat, "'tis life and there's a lesson in this somewhere."
"That there is," replied Mike. ... "'Tis wise never to book
a judge by his cover."
=Good Manners=
Barry who is noted for his tact was awakened one
morning at four o'clock by his ringing telephone.
"Your dog's barking, and it's keeping me awake," said an irate voice.
The man thanked the caller and politely asked his name before hanging up.
...
The next morning at four o'clock, Barry called backhis neighbor.
"Sir," he said, "I don't have a dog."
=An Email From...?=
A businessman from Wisconsin went on a business trip
to Louisiana. Upon arrival, he immediately plugged
his laptop into the hotel room port and sent a short
E-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer Johnson, at
her address, JennJohn@world.net.
Unfortunately, in his haste, he mistyped a letter and
the E-mail ended up going to JeanJohn@world.net, a
Jean Johnson in Duluth, the wife of a preacher who
had just passed away and was buried that day. The
preacher's wife took one look at the E-mail and promptly fainted.
It read, "Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here!"
=Down in Florida Waters...=
While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized
his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him
clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber
standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any gators around here?!"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.
About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothin,'" the beachcomber said.
"Wow," said the breathless still-swimming tourist and slowed down.
The beachcomber then added, "The sharks got 'em."
=Dog Fight?=
This fellow was sitting at the counter in a truck stop diner
eating lunch. He was rather small in stature, bespectacled,
wearing a suit with a bow-tie, and on the stool next to him
was his dog; an unusually small Mexican Chihuahua. He
was surrounded by big rough-looking, rough-talking truck
drivers, and he was catching a lot of ribbing about his dog.
He continued in silence eating his lunch and when finished
stood down from the counter, paid his bill, and he and his
dog walked out of the diner.
A few moments later the small man returns and timidly asks,
"Does anyone in here own a Doberman?"
The roughest of the truck drivers rises and walks over to the
little man and says, "Yeah, the Doberman's mine. What about 'im?"
The little guy replies, "I'm afraid, my dog just killed your dog."
The truck driver, bristling, bellows, "How could YOUR dog possibly have killed MY dog?"
The little man responds, "Well, your dog choked on him."
=Breaking Up=
The soldier serving in Hong Kong was annoyed and
upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement
and asking for her photograph back. He went out and
collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs
of women that he could find, bundled them all together
and sent them back with a note saying,
"Regret cannot remember which one is you -- please
keep your photo and return the others."
=Locked Out=
Leo and Sam exited and locked the car in a hurry,
forgetting to remove the key which was in the ignition.
Realizing the mistake, Leo asked, "Why don't we get a coat hanger to open it."
"No, that won't work" answered Sam. "People will
think we're trying to break in."
Then Leo suggested, "What if we use a pocket knife
to cut around the rubber, then stick a finger in and pull up the lock?"
"No," said Sam. "People will think we're too dumb to use a coat hanger."
"Well," sighed Leo, "we'd better think of something
fast. It's starting to rain, and the sun roof is open!"
=Two Guys Fishin'=
Two friends rented a boat and fished in a lake every day.
One day they caught 30 fish. One guy said to his friend,
"Mark this spot so that we can come back here again tomorrow."
The next day, when they were driving to rent the boat, the
same guy asked his friend, "Did you mark that spot?"
His friend replied, "Yeah, I put a big 'X' on the bottom of the boat."
The first one said, "You stupid fool! What if we don't get
that same boat today!?!?"
=Train Failure=
A large two engined train was crossing America.
After they had gone some distance one of the
engines broke down. "No problem," the engineer
thought, and carried on at half power.
Farther on down the line, the other engine broke
down, and the train came to a standstill.
The engineer decided he should inform the
passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement:
"Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news
and some bad news. The bad news is that both
engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for
some time. The good news is that you decided to take the train and not fly."
=Trouble At 40,000 Feet=
While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered,
and a passenger looked out the window.
"Good Lord!" he screamed, "One of the engines just blew up!"
Other passengers left their seats and came running
over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second
blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.
The passengers were in a panic now, and even the
stewardesses couldn't maintain order. Just then,
standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode
from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was
nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor
seemed to make most of the passengers feel better,
and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the
door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several
packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants.
Each crew member attached the package to their backs.
"Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "Aren't those parachutes?"
The pilot confirmed that they were.
The passenger went on, "But I thought you said
there was nothing to worry about?"
"There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine
exploded. "We're going to get help."
=A Price of a Grade=
A professor was giving a big test one day to his students.
He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk
to wait. Once the test was over the students all handed
the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the
students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note
saying "A dollar per point." The next class the professor
handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $64 change.
=Roast Ghost=
KAY MARTIN, a secretary to a New Zealand MP, got the
fright of her life a few weeks ago. According to the Auckland
Sunday Star, she and a friend were chatting over a drink
when they heard a chicken squawking. The bird sounded
in some distress, so they went outside to investigate,
thinking perhaps that it had escaped from one of the
neighbors. But there were no chickens anywhere.
Then Martin realized with horror that the sound was coming
from her own kitchen--coming, in fact, from the oven, where
she had put a chicken in to roast half an hour earlier. "It
was as if it was shrieking at me from its grave," she says.
"It was so bizarre I just froze."
As they approached the oven, the squawking reached a
crescendo. They took the tray out, and as the chicken
began to cool, the squawking died away.
Martin chopped the neck off and threw it in the sink. She
noticed that the vocal chords were intact. "Steam was
coming up the neck from the stuffing," says Martin, and
this had caused the dead bird to squawk. She has not cooked chicken since.
=Czechoslovakian Companion=
A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a
summer house in the country, to which he retreated
for several weeks of the year. Each summer, the
lawyer would invite a different friend of his (no, that's
not the punch line) to spend a week or two up at this
place, which happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine.
On one particular occasion, he invited a
Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend,
eager to get a freebee off a lawyer, agreed. Well,
they had a splendid time in the country - rising early
and living in the great outdoors. Early one morning,
the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went
out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they
went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries
and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along
came two huge bears, a male and a female.
Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately
dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky,
and the male bear reached him and swallowed him
whole. The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into
town as fast has he could, and got the local backwoods
sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed
back to the berry patch with the lawyer.
Sure enough, the two bears were still there.
"He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male,
while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced
in his head. He just had to save his friend.
The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye,
leveled his gun, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE!
"What did you do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!"
"Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and would YOU believe a
lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the male?"
=Mommy and Daddy=
Ten year old Johnny rushes home from school. He invades
the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream
when his mother enters the kitchen.
She says, "Put that away, Johnny. You can't have ice cream
now. It's too close to supper time. Go outside and play."
Johnny whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with."
Trying to placate him, she says, "OK. I'll play with you. What do you want to play?"
He says, "I wanna play Mommie and Daddy."
Trying not to register surprise and a bit confused about what her 10 year
old son was learning in school, she decided to appease him, by
saying, "Fine, I'll play. What do I do?"
Johnny says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down."
Figuring that she can easily control the situation, Mom goes
upstairs. Johnny, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall
and opens the utility closet. He dons his father's old fishing
hat. As he starts up the stairs he notices a cigarette butt
in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it
in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves
to the bedroom doorway.
Really confused, and now even a bit worried, his mother raises
her head and says, "What do I do now?"
In a gruff manner, Johnny says, "Get your butt downstairs and
get that kid some ice cream!"
=A true story...=
A 3-year-old son put his shoes on by himself. The father noticed that
they were on backwards. He said, "Son, your shoes are on the wrong feet."
The boy looked up at his father with a raised brow and said,
"Don't kid me Dad, I know they're my feet!"
=Worst Day=
There's this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink.
He stays like that for half-an-hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the
drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was
just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying."
"No, it's not that. Today day is the worst of my life. First, Ioverslept
and ran late to an important meeting. My boss, outrageous, fired me.
When I left the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. Thepolice,
They said they could do nothing. I got a cab to return home, and afterI
paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my whole
wallet in the cab. I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the
gardener. I left home and came to this bar. And when I was thinking
about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison ..."
=What is Easter?=
A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde notice a HELP WANTED sign in
the window of their neighborhood church. All three go in and apply and
are then interviewed separately. The brunette is first.
"What is Easter?" asks the priest.
"Easter... why, that's the time of year when we gather the family,
eat turkey, and give thanks for life we have. That's Easter." Answers
the brunette.
The priest sees that this applicant does not know the difference between
Easter and Thanksgiving, politely thanks her and calls for the next applicant.
Enter the redhead. "What is Easter?" asks the priest.
The redhead replies, "Easter is the time of year when we get togetherwith
friends and family, open presents, and sing carols."
The priest shakes his head at the luck he's having here, thanks her,and
asks the last interviewee to be shown in. In comes the blonde.
"What is Easter", the priest asks.
"Easter is the day we remember that Jesus died for us." The priestlistens,
thinking "She's going to get the job!" The blonde continues. "Theywrapped
his body in cloth , laid him in a cave, and rolled a big rock over the
entrance."
The priest stands, about to congratulate the woman, but she continues to
speak. "And once a year, they roll the rock away and Jesus comes out.
If he sees his shadow, then we know there's six more weeks of winter."
Do French people American kiss?
=Answered Prayer=
A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble. His business
started going bust and he found himself in serious financial
trouble. He was so desperate that he decided to pray for help.
"Oh Lord, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't
get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, pleaselet me win the lotto".
Lotto night arrived and somebody else won the prize.
Joe again looked up and prayed...
"Oh Lord, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business,
my house and I'm going to lose my car as well".
Again, Lotto night came and went and Joe still had no luck.
Once again, he prayed...
"Oh, Lord, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business,
my house and my car. My wife and children are starving.
I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good
servant to you. Please just let me win the lotto this
one time so I can get my life back in order ... "
Suddenly there was a blinding flash of light as the heavens
opened and Joe was confronted by the voice of the Lord himself:
"Joe, Meet Me Half Way On This One….Buy A Ticket!"
*Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-o to a tree.
*There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look forit.
*For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinklesdon't hurt.
*Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in
an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
*Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due.
*Families are like fudge .. mostly sweet with a few nuts.
*Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
*Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
*My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
*The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
*One day I shall burst my buds of calm and blossom into hysteria.
*If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
*Life's golden age is when the kids are too old to need baby-sitters
and too young to borrow the family car.
*You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and
wonder what else you can do while you're down there
After church on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly
announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided I'm going to
be a minister when I grow up."
"That's okay with us," the mother said, "But what made you
decide to be a minister?"
"Well," the boy replied, "I'll have to go to church on Sunday
anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than
to sit still and listen."
A one-dollar bill met a 20 dollar bill and said, "Hey,
where've you been? I haven't seen you around here much."
The twenty answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos,
went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to
the United States for awhile, went to a couple of baseball
games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?"
The one dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff, church, church, church."
A man travelling on a train asked the ticket collector what
time the train stops at Victoria.
"This train doesn't stop at Victoria, its the express"
"Your joking!, I need to get off at Victoria"
"Sorry sir, this train will not stop at Victoria"
"There must be something you can do""Well there is one thing"
"What, anything, I need to get off"
"Well, I'll get the driver to slow down and I'll dangle you
out the door and lower you onto the platform."
"My god, will that work?"
"Its worth a try."
The train approaches the platform at 50 mph. The ticket
collector hangs the man in mid-air out the door. The man
starts running! The man is running in mid air. "Run faster! Run faster!"
The ticket collector lowers the man down. The mans feet
touch the platform! Smoke flies off his shoes and his heel
comes off. The man is running for his life!
The ticket collector lets go. The man is running at 30mph!
He's made it, he begins to slow down. He's still running at
20mph alongside the train as the other passengers watchin amazement.
As the last carriage goes by a hand grabs the man by the
shirt collar and lifts him back onto the train. As he's being
pulled into the carriage he hears a voice say. "Your lucky
I was here to help, this train doesn't even stop at Victoria!"
A couple was delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby
came to an end. The adoption center called and told them they had a
wonderful Japanese baby boy, and the couple took him withouthesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local
college so they each could enroll in night courses.
After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired,
"What ever possessed you to study Japanese?"
The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Japanese baby and in a
year or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him."
A police officer pulled over a red Corvette after it had run a stop
sign. "May I see your driver's license and registration please?"
"What's the problem, officer?"
"Your just ran the stop sign back there at the last intersection."
"Oh, come on pal, there wasn't a car within miles of me."
"Nevertheless sir, you are required to come to a complete stop,
look both ways, and proceed with caution."
"You gotta be kidding me!"
"It's no joke, sir."
"Look, I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one within
twenty miles, and proceeded with caution."
"That's beside the point, sir. You are supposed to come to a
complete stop, and you didn't. Now if I may see your license and..."
"You've sure got a lot of time on your hands. What's the matter,
all the doughnut shops closed?"
"Sir, I'll overlook that last comment. Let me see your license
and registration immediately!"
"I will, if you can tell me the difference between slowing down,
and coming to a complete stop."
"Sir, I can do better than that." He opened the car door, dragged
the obnoxious motorist out, and proceeded to methodically beat
him over the head with his nightstick."
"Now sir, would you like me to slow down or come to a complete stop?"
Three buddies die in a car crash, they go to heaven to an orientation.
They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family
are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"
The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great
doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderfulhusband
and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies,"I would like to hear them say... Look, He's Moving!"
There was a farmer who grew watermelons. He was doing pretty well,
but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his
watermelon patch at night and eat his watermelons. After some
careful thought, he came up with a clever idea that he thought would
scare the kids away for sure.
He made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next day, the
kids show up and they saw the sign which read: "Warning! One of the
watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."
The kids ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the
farmer's sign. When the farmer returned, he surveyed the field. He
noticed that no watermelons are missing, but the sign next to his
read: "Now there are two!"
=Totally Useless Information=
~A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
~On the stone temples of Madura in southern India, there
are more than 30 million carved images of gods and goddesses.
~There is now an ATM at McMurdo Station in Antarctica,
which has a winter population of 200.
~Since 1600, 109 species and subspecies of birds have
become extinct.
~"Vang" is the most common surname among the Hmong people of Laos.
~The lead singer of The Knack, famous for "My Sharona,"
and Jack Kevorkian's lead defense attorney are brothers.
~The last Playboy centerfold to have staples was published
in 1985. Venice Kong was the model.
~The first Marvel Comics super hero was the Human Torch.
Paul got off the elevator on the 40th floor and nervously knocked on
his blind date's door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming
as everyone had said.
"I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said. "Why don't you play with
Rollo while you're waiting? He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over,
shakes hands, sits up and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jumpthrough."
The dog followed Paul onto the balcony and started rolling over. Paul
made a hoop with his arms and Rollo jumped through -- and over the
balcony railing. Just then Paul's date walked out.
"Isn't Rollo the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?"
"To tell the truth, " he replied, "he seemed a little depressed to me."
Teacher: Johnny, give me a sentence starting with "I".
Little Johnny: I is...
Teacher: No, Little Johnny. Always say "I am."
Little Johnny: All right. "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
Teacher: I hope I didn't see you looking at Don's paper.
Little Johnny: I hope you didn't either.
Little Johnny: Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn't do?
Teacher: Of course not.
Little Johnny: Good, because I didn't do my homework.
Did you hear about the...
Paper company that folded?
Brake company on the skids?
Brick company that went to the wall?
Industrial Cleaners that are washed out?
Balloon company - a victim of inflation?
Contractor for Bridges which collapsed?
Surgeon who was forced to take a cut in his salary?
Cigarette company that went up in smoke?
Baker who was short of dough?
Refrigerator manufacturer that had it's assets frozen?
Radio manufacturers that had to appoint a Receiver?
Corset firm that felt the squeeze?
Upholsterers that couldn't cover their costs?
Adhesive tape company that got into a sticky situation?
Pool equipment suppliers that took a dive?
Bowling pin manufacturer hit by strikes?
Tennis ball manufacturer that ended up in court?
Downfall of the bungee suppliers?
Email: honestal23@yahoo.com
