Joe Bob Briggs here, departing from our usual
"Monster Vision" format so that we can bring you a special TNT event, the
full 17-hour miniseries starring Mark Harmon as Ted Bundy, the notorious
serial killer who eventually fried in "Old Sparky" down in Florida. If I
were you, I'd gather all the pillows and seat cushions I could find,
because you ain't going anywhere while Ted spends the next several days
prancing around in a tennis outfit bonkin' babes on the
head.
Speaking of serial killers, have you noticed they keep
catching some NEW guy actin like Hannibal Lecter, pullin a Jeffrey Dahmer,
stuffin bodies down his garbage disposal or something? And every time we
arrest one of these serial killers, everybody goes NUTS. You see these
articles like "Serial Killers: Products of the Twentieth Century." And you
can hear people shaking their heads, especially OLD people, saying, "What
is this world coming to? These people are out there MULTIPLYING. They're
everywhere. They're hacking up bystanders left and right. What is this
world coming to?"
Well, I've got an answer for the question
everybody is always asking about "Why were there no serial killers before
the twentieth century?" Because, whenever anybody says that, they're
IMPLYING that something is wrong with "the modern mind" or "the American
mental health program."
Bullstuff. These guys have ALWAYS been
around. The only difference between now and a hundred years ago is that WE
USED TO CATCH EM AFTER THE FIRST GOLDURN MURDER. Now we just go bumblin
around--dum da dum da dum da dum--like Elmer Fudd, watching these guys
walk down the street, saying, "Wow! That's funny! That's the 34th
18-year-old girl who's gone into that house this month. Must be SOME
PARTY!" Or we're out mowing the yard, and we catch sight of this
"quiet, mild-mannered loner" who lives next door, and we say, "Good job on
those rose bushes." And he says, "I shear from the bottom. Most people
shear from the top. Do you shear from the top or bottom?" And so
you go in your house and say, "Honey, you know that guy next door? I think
he's ridin around on his temporary spare tire."
But you don't
really CARE, right? You don't say something like, "Hey, man, what you just
said don't make a lick of sense, and it's CREEPY, you know. Why are you
talking about shearing from the bottom, shearing from the top.
I
don't know from top-shearing, bottom-shearing, just what are you driving
at, Buster?"
In other words, you don't ever say anything that's
gonna freak the guy out, make him do something stupid or say something
stupid so he'll accidentally spill the beans about the old lady's body
that he's stuffed like a taxidermist and mounted over a tool rack in his
basement.
You know what I mean? There aren't any more serial
killers than there ever were. It's just that we used to say, "Hey, boy,
hold on, you're talking like somebody erased your floppy disk, come over
here and lemme take a look at those three-inch bite marks on your
forearms." Now we just say, "I wish that guy would move to New
Jersey."
Anyhow, you can see for yourself what I'm talking about,
cause it's time to start "Deliberate Stranger," which was originally a
1986 mini-series about Ted Bundy, the handsome and charming law student
whose hobbies included tooling around in his VW bug and raping and
murdering co-eds. We'll cover the relevant info as we go along, and we'll
also be recreating one of my favorite prison recipes.
And we'll do
the drive-in totals at the next break. So let's watch it.
[fading]
This is one of the most LITERAL mini-series ever made. "Hey, Jim, did you
hear we had another one of those murders out by the state park?" "Yes,
Roy, and the girl was about the same age as the LAST victim. Do you think
they're related?" "Gee whiz, Jim, maybe so." You can always tell when
they're trying to do . . . realism. I hate realism."
"The Deliberate Stranger" Commercial Break #1
"What just
happened? Did something get cut out? He hits on the
brunette in the yellow polka-dot bikini, doesn't work. He tries the same
line on the girl with the bike, goes off with her. Then we get that girl
who goes to the bathroom. And all we ever see is Mark Harmon wiping off
the seat of his VW. Is this the whole deal? Are we supposed to
GUESS what happened? All right, I'm gonna ASSUME that this thing
gets a little more explicit as the night goes on. Cause we got a WHOLE
bunch of Ted Bundy coming up. Also--was that M. Emmet Walsh playing a COP?
Are they expecting me to IDENTIFY with M. Emmet Walsh as a GOOD GUY? The
man is in the Sleazeball Hall of Fame. He's right up there with Jack
Warden and Jack CARTER, for that matter. Emmet's the guy who says, "Come
over here, little girl." Okay, let's continue with "The Deliberate
Stranger."
But first, as promised, those drive-in totals. We have:
Nine dead bodies. No breasts. One yellow polka-dot
bikini. Log to the head. Multiple severed skulls. Gratuitous
gas pumping. Gratuitous Christmas caroling. Gratuitous ranting
Eyetalian mother. Handcuff Fu. Mysterious Shadow Fu.
I
give it about two and a half stars. Check it out, and I'll be here with
you through the whole dang thing.
[fading] Do you think that
sailboat thing really worked? See, that's my problem. I don't do enough
advance preparation. "Hey, babe, would you mind coming home with me and
helping me get my car down off blocks? It'll only take fifteen or
twenty minutes." Would that work? "Hey, sweetheart, I'm gonna be
replacing a transmission this afternoon. Would you hold the greasepan for
me?" This could open up a whole new world of pickup lines."
"The Deliberate Stranger" Commercial Break #2
"Okay, MEMO
to screenwriter: No more cocktail parties, okay? We GET THE POINT. "Isn't
that young Ted Bundy a promising young man? We'll all talk about when we
knew him when, right?" Cocktail party: No. Ted bashing victims: Yes.
Is this clear? I do believe that these are the rules of
dramatic storytelling first perfected by THE GREEKS, okay? Aeschylus knew:
no cocktail-party dialogue.
All right, I think at this point I
think I'll fill you in on a little of the real Ted Bundy story. Ted has a
girlfriend in the movie, Cas, played by Glynnis O'Connor --remember
Glynnis O'Connor?
Very big in 1976. "Ode to Billy Joe" with Robbie
Benson, and the classic "Boy in the Plastic Bubble" with . . . John
Travolta. Anyhow, Ted did have a girlfriend who had a little rugrat just
like Cas does, but they changed her name for the movie.
I guess
when you date a serial killer for five years, the last thing you want is
for people to come up to you at work on Monday and go "Hey, I didn't know
you went out with Ted Bundy! What's it like having sex with a mass
murderer?"
He also had a rich girlfriend before that, who they
call Debra in the film, who dumped him because he wasn't sophisticated
enough-- although, in the movie, they kinda make him out to be VERY
sophisticated, they even compare him to John F. Kennedy, so I don't know
what that's about. Years later he did something most guys only dream
about: He got his life together, won her back, and then dumped her like a
hot potato. Some theorize that he was obsessed with her, and that
obsession had something to do with his becoming a serial killer.
I
guess that's why they changed HER name for the movie.
Okay, I'll
cover more later. Roll film.
[fading] I guess the REAL Debra didn't
want to be at a PTA meeting or something years later and run into the REAL
crazy overacting Eyetalian mother and have her put some Catholic voodoo
hex on her. On the other hand, they DIDN'T change the first name of the
dead girl-- they figured she wasn't really gonna have a problem at PTA
meetings."
"The Deliberate Stranger" Commercial Break #3
"The evil
leering eyes of . . . Mark Harmon. That's how we know he's EEEEEEvil. The
Evil Leering Eye Shot. Perfected by the Lifetime Network.
Of
course, in any movie on the Lifetime Network, if the guy is handsome, you
know he's gonna be a serial killer, or a wife-beater, or a secret rapist,
so you don't really even have to DO the Evil Leering Eye Shot. Anyhow,
what's Mark Harmon trying to accomplish with all that smiling and runnin
around like a nut?
Is part of the sociopathic personality running
around like a big goofball? Maybe he's trying to look younger. Cause Mark
Harmon was 35 when this movie was made, and Ted Bundy would've been 28 at
this point. Mark's still hangin in there on "Chicago Hope," but remember
when all the gals had crushes on him, back in the eighties, when he was on
"St. Elsewhere"?
He probly didn't get too many dates after THIS
movie came out. Actually, that's not true; right after he did "Deliberate
Stranger," he married Pam Dawber, the gal from "Mork & Mindy," who
looked really good in a pair of slacks, I might add. They have two kids
now, plus they sued Mark Harmon's sister Kris for custody of HER son the
year after this movie was made.
I don't know what was goin on
there, but I can imagine the judge in that custody case. "Didn't I just
see you on TV playing a psychokiller? And you want to take your sister's
kid away? Lemme think about that."
Oh, and you know who his other
sister is? Remember that blonde who used to do the Tic-Tac commercials? If
you can remember that far back, think about it--she looked just like Mark
Harmon. That was his sister Kelly.
It all makes sense now, doesn't
it? Okay, that's enough useless trivia. Back to the flick.
[fading]
Mark Harmon's ex-brother-in-law was Rickie Nelson, and his niece and
nephews are all actors or musicians. His dad was a football star--Tom
Harmon, Old 98, played for the Rams in the forties. Mark's not related to
anyone who isn't famous. D'you guys see "Babe"? That's Mark Harmon's
pig."
"The Deliberate Stranger" Commercial Break #4
"All right,
there was a scene back in that last segment that I'm gonna replay because
it was so unbelievably turgid that I need to see it again. Remember when
the cops go over to the ranting Catholic woman's house to tell her her
daughter's dead? Watch how much time the director takes with
this.
[roll clip]
The car pulls up to the house. Then they
sit there for a second. Then they get out. Then they walk around the car.
Then they stop to chat. Then they walk to the front door. Are we being
tortured? No wonder it took em THREE NIGHTS to run the dang movie when
they first made it. It was directed by Marvin J. Chomsky, obviously a big
fan of Antonioni. Antonioni was the guy who believed all movies should
happen in real time. If the guy has to answer the doorbell, you should
watch him walk all the way through the house before he answers the
doorbell. You can watch an Antonioni movie for two hours, and they're
still driving to the dry cleaners'. Actually, Marvin J. Chomsky was one of
the directors of "Roots"--only the most famous mini-series in history. I
think he directed the scene where Kunta-Kintay goes to the grocery store
and tries to figure out what kind of cereal he wants. Okay, let's go back
to the film.
[fading] I was so mesmerized by that car scene, I
forgot to talk about the tall girl in the toga mini-dress.
She was
a big teen model at the time this flick was made, Terry Farrell. Made
pre-teens everywhere feel bad about their bodies. Which is how they
SHOULD'VE felt, compared to her. She wasn't on the cover of Seventeen for
nothing, okay?"
"The Deliberate Stranger" Commercial Break #5
"Quite a
gruesome scene at the morgue where the tall gal's father screams as the
mother waits in the hall, huh? Jeez, could this movie be any TAMER? They
don't show ANYTHING. Anyhow, while the police try to raise money for some
high-tech thing they call a computer, I thought it might be a good time
for "Joe Bob's Jailbreak," where we read letters from our fine penal
institutions around the country, [enters] and here to help us out is the
ever-popular TNT Mail Girl, Rusty. It's a perfect night for a prison
letter, isn't it?
MAIL GIRL: Actually, I'm not sure I'd want
prisoners watching this movie. JB: Why? You're afraid they'll copy
Ted Bundy's crimes? Pick up babes in bellbottoms and handcuff em in their
V-dub? MAIL GIRL: His crimes were a little worse than
that. JB: Not according to THIS movie, they weren't. MAIL
GIRL: Well, I've got kind of a long letter for you tonight, so we better
keep the witty banter to a minimum. JB: You think I'm
witty? MAIL GIRL: Remember when I asked you for a raise, and you
said you'd think about it? JB: Yeah.
MAIL GIRL: I think
you're witty. And handsome. JB: Okay, who's the letter
from? MAIL GIRL: It's from Russell Thomas and Robert Sanchez at the
Carson City Correctional Facility in Carson City, Michigan. JB: You
think I'm handsome? MAIL GIRL: VERY handsome.
JB: "Joe
Bob, "My cubie, Russell, and I have been watching Monster Vision
for the longest. We don't do drugs and your show is the next best thing to
getting high (actually, we just can't get anything in this joint).
Seriously though, we're die-hard fans. "Anyway, there's one
segment of the show that we have no problem figuring out; the Prisoner
Mail segment. It's rather amusing at times to hear what other cons around
the country have to say. We can imagine what the letters you don't
read on the air are like. "Russell and I figured that we could make
a contribution also. Enclosed you'll find a menu, a store list, a couple
of recipes, and a fact sheet.
"The menu is broke down into cycles
(A-1 through A-4) for one week of each month. Day after day, month after
month, year after year, the cycles go on. You might think that's bad, but
it's nothing compared to the food itself. This menu is generated by some
'nutritionist' in the Lansing 'Central Office' for all facilities
statewide. The CO does give some autonomy to the food directors at each
facility, but that's only for one or two meals a month. The 'nutritionist'
determines that we're supposed to receive so many calories and so many
carbohydrates and so forth. They've determined that these values are the
minimum requirements necessary to keep a prisoner alive. The thing is
though, one must go to each meal every day to survive. That's kind of
ironic Joe Bob, being that most of us agree that eating the food in the
chow hall will actually kill you. Yep, the food is that bad. You think
that concoction you made during the 6-13-98 show was bad, ha! There were
guys here drooling over that stuff. I mean you did have real meat. The
food products here are low-grade stuff; out there you get Grade-A, in here
we get Grade-E and the like. The meat products are mostly turkey
by-products, turkey!, Joe Bob, the by-products!, you know what that means.
Lots of soy bean stuff too. Ever have a soy bean burger or a turkey hot
dog? Oh, the fish meals are really nasty, like the stuff they use to make
cat food. I could go on, but we're sure you get the idea!
"Believe
us when we tell you Job Bob, it's very difficult to go to the chow hall
every day and eat every meal. A lot of guys don't (the ones with money).
The rest go every day all day, we call these guys "state-raised." They
really don't have a choice, a guy could actually starve in
here.
"Those with the ability to supplement their dietary intake do
so with stuff out of the Prisoner Store. Guys who do this regularly are
called 'big fellas' and what they do, we call 'hookin up a do.' As you can
see, there's not much to the store list, mostly hygiene products and junk
food, lots of junk food. The summer sausage, Sparrer's salami, and the
Little Dudes (a 1 5/8 oz summer sausage) are the only meat products. Back
in the days before 1988, there used to be canned goods sold in the
prisoner stores statewide. But some knucklehead flattened a bunch of cans,
punched holes in them, then laced up a suit of armor. He wanted to scale
the fence and not get caught on concertina wire. Those 'dinners' you see
may sound good, but they're actually four-ounce microwavable Dinty Moore
dinners. They're not worth the price and you need at least two or three to
make a good meal.
"The recipes are just two of the many, many
combinations of stuff that we can make with what we have. The first, the
'Nacho Hook-up,' is a big fella do and the second, the 'Po Man Do,' is for
those unfortunate (broke) fellas. Both are pretty easy to make despite the
amount of ingredients, or lack thereof. Plus we do have microwaves in each
unit of this facility.
"We're hoping, Joe Bob, that you'll feature
the Nacho Hook-up in your next 'Dinner and a Six Pack' segment. If you
follow the directions correctly and precisely, and of course use the
proper ingredients and cooking materials, we're sure you'll be pleased
with the resulting meal. Be sure, however, to inform your viewers that we
are not responsible for the gastro- intestinal disorders that follow
eating such a meal. You be careful as well, especially washing it down
with that stuff you call beer. (Although, right now, there's plenty of
guys who'd kill for one of those beers, literally.)
"Well Joe Bob,
the power is about to be turned off and it's time to go. Russell and I
have been working on this since MonsterVision started tonight. Didn't
really get to enjoy the movies, but it was still kind of fun, you truly
are a silly dude.
"Sincerely, "Russell Thomas,
#183088 "Robert Sanchez, #179798 "Carson City Correctional Facility,
OTF Unit, Carson City, Michigan."
Well, Robert and Russell, it's
your lucky night, because in honor of it being psycho-criminal night, we
ARE going to make the Nacho Hook-Up at the next break. Although I must
say, you guys don't really sound like psycho-criminals.
With your
grasp of the written word, you sound like you committed one of those
highbrow white-collar crimes -- insurance fraud or something. Whatever it
was, we love a captive audience.
Free your minds and your butts
will follow.
So, Rusty, we got all the ingredients for the
recipe?
MAIL GIRL: Most of em. We had to make a few substitutions,
but they come pretty close. JB: Okay. Stay away from the summer
sausage. I saw you eyein it before.
MAIL GIRL: What's that supposed
to mean?
JB: You tell me. MG: You're disgusting. JB:
I don't know what you're talking about."
"The Deliberate Stranger" Commercial Break #6
"Well, at
least she didn't suffer. Crushing blows to the skull." Naw, that wouldn't
hurt. These cops are real winners, aren't they? If I ever die of crushing
blows to the skull, assume that I suffered, okay? You know what really
annoys me about this movie? They keep saying "She just vanished into thin
air."
"She was only walking three blocks and she disappeared
somewhere." And it seems amazing, if not impossible, that a person could
be attacked, rendered unconscious, and carried away THAT fast, without
ANYBODY seeing anything, and then they NEVER SHOW US HOW HE DID IT. They
make him out to be Jason. Even though we do KNOW how he did it, because he
told the whole story to Hugh Aynesworth before he died. Hugh Aynesworth is
a journalist who interviewed Bundy in prison, and he got Bundy to talk
about a hypothetical serial killer in the third person, and he described
how this hypothetical third-person serial killer MIGHT have killed all
these girls who seemed to be a lot like the girls in this movie. So they
could have used that and actually SHOWED THE CRIMES. But no, that would
have been too INTERESTING.
All right, we've got the ingredients
here to the Nacho Hook-Up, recipe courtesy of the inmates of the Carson
City Correctional Facility up in Michigan.
What have we got,
Rusty?"
RUSTY: "The ingredients are: It calls for 1
Sparrer's salami or summer sausage, 1 bag picante bean dip, half a bag
refried beans, 4 Ramen Noodles--Chili flavor, 1 tub Jalopeno
cheese spread, 2 bags tortilla chips, 4 bowls, and a brown paper
bag cut to 3 inches from the bottom.
Okay, directions: [reading]
"Dice sausage into 1/4 inch squares and put into a bowl." Our crack
culinary team has already done that for me, as you can see here. "Mix
beans in (second) bowl and add water." I don't know where they get BAGS of
refried beans in Michigan, but we had to fake it and use the canned ones.
"Boil water in third bowl and add noodles until they swell, then drain."
I've got the water boiled, so I'm gonna add the noodles and the
seasoning... This is a lot of noodles, especially considering that it's a
NACHO recipe. I hope this serves more than one guy.
"Put cheese in
fourth bowl with a little water."
I guess he means the whole tub.
"Heat everything in microwave: sausage, beans, noodles, and cheese."
Okay, I'll have everything nuked at the next break, and we'll
continue with the recipe. Roll the film.
[fading] Speaking
of the movie, I'd like to know why the filmmakers thought showing M. Emmet
Walsh resting would be more interesting than seeing how Ted Bundy carried
a nekkid woman through a ski resort without anybody noticing.
Not
really the dramatic choice I would've made, you know? Okay okay, I'll shut up. Maybe.
Are we going to eat this?"
"The Deliberate Stranger" Commercial Break #7
"Soooooo, the
girl from the mall identifies Ted Bundy by... looking at his SHOES. That's
gonna be great in court. Didn't work in the OJ case, did it? Gee, did ya
figure out that they were gonna trace Ted through his gas receipts? I
don't think they showed him pumping gas enough times. I really
think they needed ONE more nozzle shot. Anyhoo, I've got all the
ingredients heated up for the Nacho Hook-Up.
This is, of course, a
recipe sent to us from the Carson City Correctional Facility, created from
items bought at the prison store for nutritional supplementation to the
regular prison chow. I'm now mixing together all the heated ingredients:
sausage, beans, noodles and cheese. What does the recipe say? "Layer
bottom of paper bag with tortilla chips. Pour a layer of heated mixture
over the chips. Repeat layering until nothing left." Okay, while I do
that, lemme ID my man Frederic Forrest as Detective Bob Keppel.
I'll tell you when HE was hot, and that was 1979, when he did
"Apocalypse Now" and "The Rose," and a couple years after that, Francis
Ford Coppola used him again in "One From the Heart," which was not really
up my alley, but he did star in it. BEFORE that, though, is when he did my
favorite of his flicks, "It Lives Again," which is, of course, the
immortal mutant-baby sequel to "It's Alive," written and directed by my
pal Larry Cohen. Fred's a good actor who works pretty often, but he never
made the cover of People or anything, so you don't really see him anything
high-profile these days. Which means he'll probly pop up in a Tarantino
flick any day now. Quentin, if you're watching, and you DO cast him,
remember who gave you the idea. [puts nachos in microwave] Okay, I'm
supposed to microwave this for 6 minutes on high, and then let it sit for
ten to fifteen minutes. That should get us to the next break. Roll the
movie.
[fading] By the way, aren't you glad the Seattle P.D. spent
the big bucks on that refrigerator-sized computer? My dog could do better
than that thing. But the cops think it's really cool. "Sam, the computer
discovered something VERY important:
Ted DIDN'T KNOW any of the
girls! He was a Deliberate Stranger!
It won't help us
catch him, but it gives us a great name for the movie, doesn't
it?" We are gonna eat this."
"The Deliberate Stranger" Commercial Break #8
"Excuse me,
but did we just watch a whole segment which was basically about INTERVIEWS
with people? The reporter interviews Bundy. The cops interview Bundy's
family. This is about the most INDIRECT serial-killer story I've ever
seen. You know what we should show? "Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer"--
now THAT'S a movie that gets inside the psycho's mind. Anyhow, I'm gonna
say that that scene with Glynnis O'Connor talking about Ted tying her up
during sex was the first dramatic scene we've had so far. Other than
taking the Nacho Hook-Up out of the microwave.
You guys ready for
this? Ta-da! The recipe says to cut it in half-- I'm not sure if that
means it serves two, or if it's just for presentation. Now, if we were one
of those cooking shows on the Food channel, I'd be able to tell you what
to drink with this baby. But on TNT, I'm only allowed to tell you that
domestic is as good as imported, and to buy it by the case--it's cheaper
that way. Course, you guys in the pokey are outta luck there.
But
they have non-fat dry milk at the prison store--mm. Okay, I'm gonna make
the crew try this while Ted Bundy goes to trial, and I'll come back at you
with some interesting serial killer info. Roll the movie.
[fading]
Did you know that lawyers auctioned off Jeffrey Dahmer's plates and
silverware to raise money for his victims' families?
The only
thing sicker than a cannibal serial killer is the guy who buys his plates.
Why didn't they auction off Ted Bundy's VW?
All these
serial killers have some kinky thing they do, like tying up girls during .
. . well, I've done . . . well, depends on your definition of kinky . . .
I had a few spare neckties lying around."
"The Deliberate Stranger" Commercial Break #9
(Ref. to
enjoying Nacho Hook-up.) "Okay, we've learned that psycho-
murderers can be nice to their mothers, so it's probably a good time to
cover the four main types of serial killers, according to what the crack
TNT research department found out.
The first type is the Visionary
Type. This is the type who kills because he hears voices or has visions.
They claim "God told me to kill all the prostitutes," or "Satan told me to
kill anyone driving a green Yugo." If you're this type, plead insanity.
The second type of serial killer is the Mission-Oriented Type.
This is basically the same as the first type, except that there are no
voices involved; the killer thinks of it all himself. "I'm gonna rid
society of all people who wear Birkenstocks." They think they're doin the
community a big service. And they probly are, now that I think about it.
If you're this type, your neighbors will be quoted sayin, "He was such a
nice young man."
The third type is my personal favorite, the
Hedonistic Type. This is the type who kill because they like it. Like
Hannibal Lechter, with his "fahva beans and chianti." Course, he's
fictitious, but there are real guys like that, who we'll cover at the next
break. But if you're this type, you may have experienced picquerism.
If I tell you what picquerism is, my show'll probly get canceled,
but let's just say that one person's getting very physically happy while
the other person's getting very physically dead.
And I better move
on to the fourth type of serial killer, which is the Power/Control-Oriented Type. This is where Ted Bundy falls in. This type gets his
happies from the capture and control of his powerless victim, making them
obey his every command. They like to feel important. They're aware of the
rules of society, but choose to ignore them.
If you have problems
picking up chicks without a crowbar in your hand, you're probly this type.
Course, I guess that means I'M that type. Maybe we should get back
to the flick. Go.
[fading] That's about the only thing I HAVEN'T
tried. You know what would happen? The girl would say "You're not really
gripping that crowbar correctly. I had a boyfriend who really knows how to
USE a crowbar." Cause, see, we live in freaky times, you know?"
"The Deliberate Stranger" Commercial Break #10
"Man, is
this is the TALKIEST movie ever made or what? Bunch of cops and reporters
sitting around TALKING about the case. Who makes a serial killer movie and
doesn't put any SERIAL KILLING in it? Okay, that's George Grizzard as
Richard Larsen, and he did write a book called "The Deliberate Stranger,"
which is out of print, otherwise I'd have a copy here and wave it around
like I'd actually read it.
All right, there's no way I can cover
every serial killer with the time we have remaining, so what I'm gonna do
is just tell you who some of the big ones were, and what each of them
taught us. Jack the Ripper, one of the most famous, taught us that
Victorian forensics, or lack thereof, make it easy to get away with
murder.
Albert Fish, who was around during the Depression, taught
us that children may not taste any better than adults, but they're easier
to catch. Adolph Hitler taught us that if you have guys in uniform do your
killing, they don't put you on the serial killer lists.
Eddie Gein
taught us that you can make a belt out of nipples, but you probly
shouldn't wear it out of the house.
Albert DeSalvo taught us that Boston
is a big city, but somebody's gotta do the strangling.
The Son of
Sam taught us the value of phrase "Honor thy father."
Henry Lee Lucas
taught us that if you tell the authorities you're gonna kill your mother
if they let you out of jail, they still let you out of jail.
John
Wayne Gacy taught us that people love a guy in a clown suit.
And
Jeffrey Dahmer taught us that a box of baking soda in the fridge doesn't
really mask the odors of a severed head.
Okay, I probly shoulda
saved that stuff for the end of the movie, but I wanted to give it to you
before the sun comes up. Back to the flick.
[fading] One of my
favorite quotes is something Henry Lee Lucas said. He said, "Other 'en
killing, I have been nice to everybody all my life." That's good to hear,
isn't it? That makes us feel very good, Henry Lee."
"The Deliberate Stranger" Commercial Break #11
"So, Ted's
gettin a little action on the side from ole Martha. And do we think that
prison guard lost his job? This movie's missing something, though, and
I'll tell you what it is. It's missing the fact that Ted Bundy SEXUALLY
ASSAULTED his victims. Remember when the father of the tall gal screamed
in the morgue?
Well, it wasn't because she had a little contusion
over the left eye. So here's my question: why would NBC air a mini-series
about a serial killer, NOT provide any motivation for his killings,
presumably so he doesn't appear sympathetic, but NOT tell us what he
really did? Never mind that they don't SHOW it --they're not even
MENTIONING it. Thank goodness I'M here.
So far they've made him
look about as evil as stoned chihuahua. All right, we're gettin
close to the end here, so let's get back to it.
[fading] All Ted
had to do was drive down off the mountain and NOT ACT LIKE A DRUNK DRIVER
and he woulda been home free. See, the way they did this movie, you're so
NOT AWARE of what Bundy did that when he escapes, a part of your brain is
going "Hey, yeah, man, hope he makes it." You don't think "Oh my GOD!
Hannibal Lechter is loose!" You think "Oh, look, Mark Harmon's stealing a
car, isn't that cute?"
"The Deliberate Stranger" Commercial Break #12
"He's a time
bomb, Jerry! We've gotta find him!" That's how they're trying to create
suspense. By the way, that scene where Ted lifts himself out of
his jail cell and into some guy's apartment -- that's why guys in prison
work out. Okay, let's go to the thrilling conclusion of
"Deliberate Stranger."
[fading]
All of our incarcerated
viewers just looked at each other and added twenty more pull-ups to their
routine. "High protein, low carbs." Did you see that, guys? One more sweet
potato salad and he wouldn't have gotten out, would he? Uh-uh."
"The Deliberate Stranger" Outro
"Well, we finally got a
LITTLE violence, although they neglected to mention that there were FOUR
sorority babes who got attacked that night, two of em died, and one em had
a bedpost rammed up her--well, I guess there's a reason they didn't
mention that.
Ted Bundy was executed on January 24th, 1989, just
over ten years ago. Dang, we almost had an anniversary show. And you might
remember that, right before he died, he tried the old "Pornography made me
do it" defense, told his whole story to one of those right-wing Christian
loonies -- it was the only guy he would talk to. No one pointed out that,
uh, Ted, even the Dark Brothers don't make movies about bashing in the
heads of sorority girls.
Next week is gonna be a little tamer.
We've got Sinbad and the Eye of the Tiger, where Patrick Wayne travels
the world to get into Jane Seymour's harem pants, and Clash of the
Titans, featuring Laurence Olivier and Harry Hamlin. That's an unlikely
acting duo, isn't it?
Anyhow, the monsters in both films were
animated by the great Ray Harryhausen, so check em out.
That's it
for me, Joe Bob Briggs, reminding you that the more you complain, the
longer God lets you live.
You guys hear the one about the three
convicts who are on their way to prison? They're each allowed to take one
item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated. On the
bus, the first convict turns to the guy next to him and says, "So, what
did you bring?" The second convict pulls out a box of paints and says that
he plans to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail." He asks the first guy what
HE brought. The first convict pulls out a deck of cards and says, "I
brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, any number of games."
Meanwhile the third convict is sitting there grinning to himself. The
other two notice this and they say, "Why are you so smug? What did you
bring?" The guy pulls out a box of tampons and smiles. He says, "I brought
these." The two are confused, and say, "What can you do with those?" The
convict says, "Well, according to the box, I can go horseback riding,
swimming, roller-skating..."
Joe Bob Briggs, reminding you that the
drive-in will never die.
[fading] A snail gets beaten up by two
turtles. He goes to the police and they ask him, "Did you get a good look
at the turtles who did this?" The snail says, "It all happened so fast."
Speaking of serial killers, have you noticed they keep
catching some NEW guy actin like Hannibal Lecter, pullin a Jeffrey Dahmer,
stuffin bodies down his garbage disposal or something? And every time we
arrest one of these serial killers, everybody goes NUTS. You see these
articles like "Serial Killers: Products of the Twentieth Century." And you
can hear people shaking their heads, especially OLD people, saying, "What
is this world coming to? These people are out there MULTIPLYING. They're
everywhere. They're hacking up bystanders left and right. What is this
world coming to?"