Friday the 13th Part 8: Jason Takes Manhattan

The grand hoo-haws of New York City started whining a few weeks back because of the movie "Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan." They said Jason was not your typical New York street person and they resented the implication that if Jason came to New York and brutally slaughtered 20 or 30 teenagers, nobody would notice.

So, anyhow, I took a look at the flick, and I agree that the city is getting kind of a bad rap.
For example, you might of heard about Mayor Koch's Times Square Cleanup Campaign. It's been very successful and is now in its 17th year. You know, 42nd Street used to be a cesspool. But when I was there last month, there were only three theaters showing "Live Sex Act," which is a vast imrpovement over what they used to have -- the dead sex act. And there are very few strippers or prostitutes left down there. Most of them have been replaced with transvestite Watusi girls carrying riot batons. So you can see how a city's reputation can get blown way out of proportion.

Same thing with drugs. What's the big deal about it? People in New York City don't even use marijuana, heroin, cocaine, or crack anymore. That's a myth. The current drug of choice is called "STP Brain Treatment," and it comes from a petrochemical plant in Bolivia. It's usually taken in a "rock" form, combined with Uranium 238 that's been heated into a glob resembling a lug wrench. After being boiled for a half hour in a brass cappucino machine, the fumes can be sucked directly into the brain through the skull. It produces a high that lasts about 128 hours, but as far as we know it has absolutely no side effects. It's a safe drug, used by most of New York's novelists, for example. So flush that idea about New York having a drug problem.

 And, finally, there's these wild rumors about New York being full of crime. Okay, okay, maybe they did have one in the past. There was that trouble with the roving gangs of Pakistani executions who wore black hoods with "We Eat Babies" written across the back in blood. Even though I don't think they meant anything by it. And, of course, for a while you had the problem of random automatic weapons fire on the subways. Ouch! But let's get realistic. Are we gonna judge an entire city by the actions of a tiny minority who own nuclear devices for hunting purposes? I think not.

That's why Jason, in "Friday the 13th Part VIII," is way out of line. Who makes up these plots anyhow? Jason wouldn't last five minutes in Manhattan.

And speaking of sewers full of waste products, Manhattan is the star of "Part 8," even though it takes Jason forever to get there. This new writer they got, Rob Hedden, thinks you have to have a reason for Jason to go to New York, and so they spend the first hour on a cruise ship motoring up from Crystal Lake while Jason runs around sticking butcher knives in cheerleaders and transforming himself into a nekkid drowning child that can pop in and out of the lead bimbo's dream. Next thing, this raggedy man runs around the ship screaming, "We're doomed," "You people are dead," "Jason is back" -- just like the raggedy man in "Part 2."

Then Jason kills some more people. Then there's talking. Then Jason kills a whole bunch of people. Then the ship sinks and the only people left get on a lifeboat and row to New York. Then Jason gets bored and kills some muggers and rides around on the subway. Then the movie gets really violent.

Twenty dead bodies (including the three times Jason dies).
One breast.
One motor vehicle chase, with crash and burn.
Heads roll.
One giant rat.
Two muggings.
Three harpoonings.
One throat slitting.
One spike impalement.
One ax in the back.
One barbecued teenager.
Electric guitar brain-smashing.
Steaming sauna rock through the chest.
Jagged-glass face-smashing.
Disco dance-floor strangulation.
Metal-pipe head-bashing.
Houseboat aardvarking.
Excellent Nightmare on Elm Street bloody-faucet ripoff effect.
Gratuitous off-key version of New York, New York.
Gratuitous reference to Stephen King.
Heroin Fu.
Chemical waste Fu.
Drive-In Academy Award nominations for Sharlene Martin, as the prom queen who labels her body parts as her biology project, for saying
"Julius is the only senior I would even consider doing it with,"
and Peter Mark Richman, as the dimwit authority figure, for saying,
"Walking corpses are not real."
Two and a half stars.
Joe Bob says check it out.

Victory over Communism! The Westerly Drive-In in Haversham Corners, R.I., is still running after more than 30 years. The marquee is getting a little moldy, but Steve Kern of Westerly and all his disgusting friends still show up there every Friday night. Remember, the drive-in will never die. To discuss the meaning of life with Joe Bob, get some free junk, subscribe to his newsletter, or cop a couple of his Texas Rangers tickets, write Joe Bob Briggs, P.O. Box 2002, Dallas, TX 75221. His Fax line is always open: (214) 368-2310.

I recently watched an indoor movie critique done by yourself about "The Last Temptation of Jesus Christ." Your acclaim of this movie was most disturbing. Do you realize the excuses for sin you made about THIS Jesus?

You said the biggest problem with this movie was the fact that Jesus ONLY thought about doing "those things" in the last 30 second in the movie. But this is what the Bible says about thinking:

"For as a man thinketh in his heart so is he: Eat and drink, saith he to thee; but his heart is not with thee." Proverbs 23:7.

Jesus himself said, "Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, `Thou shalt not commit adultery.' But I say unto you, that whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart." Matthew 5:27-28.

Lust is defined by Webster's as being "bodily appetite esp. excessive sexual desire."

Webster's Thesaurus goes on to describe lust as desire and desire as the following: [Erotic wish to possess] passion . . . nymphomania, sexual love, libido, sensual appetite, carnal passion, eroticism.

If Jesus said the words in Matthew 5:27-28 and specifically stated this is breaking one of the Ten Commandments how can you defend, even praise a movie which shows Christ sinning.

"How much more, then, will the blood of Christ who through the eternal Spirit offered himself UMBLEMISHED (without sin) to God, cleanse our consciences from acts that lead to death (like adultery) so that we may serve the living God!" Hebrews 9:14 New International Version.

"When tempted no one should say `God is tempting me' for God CANNOT be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; but each one is tempted when by his own evil desire he is dragged away and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin when it is full-grown, gives birth to death." James 1:13-15 NIV.

Jesus is God. Read John 1:1-18 for yourself if you do not know Jesus is life. "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me." John 14:6 NIV.

To say Jesus only thought about these things is to say he was only a man and you therefore deny the deity of Christ. If Christ was only a man then his death meant nothing and we all are condemned to hell. We have no way to be with God and that is hell in itself.

I hope these words have made you think but more importantly the Holy Spirit has touched your heart and prompted you to retract your promotion of this film.

One in Christ,

Sparks, Nev.

Dear Jodi:

In your esteemed opinion what do you believe is the dumbest movie ever made (with a budget of over $4.00)?

Sincerely,

Malvern, Ark.

Dear Randy:

It's way up there.

Dear Joe Bob:

It's about the French national anthem. You'd think it was OK because they sung it in Rick's Cafe Americain in Casablanca, and it sounds real pretty. When it's sung IN FRENCH. But I used my high-school French skills to translate it into English, and this is what I got:

The day of glory has arrived!

Listen, in the countryside to the cries of the ferocious soldiers!

To arm, citizens!

March! March!

Jeez! Sounds like the Red Guards, doesn't it? Anyway, the clincher is this: There are no drive-ins in France! Not even one. I think we should keep an eye on those Frenchies.

Sal Vandershaf

Actually, the drive-in-loving citizens of France tell me there are TWO drive-ins in the country. Both of em are down south on the Riviera. Of course, the drive-ins would HAVE to be in the part of France named after an American car. So maybe, just maybe, there are enough patriotic commie-hating Frogs to -- yes! listen! in the countryside! -- the gutters are run red witht the blood of Yves Montand and Coco Chanel. Viva la cinema al fresco!

Dear J. Bob,

Homestead, Fla.

Dear Bob:

Dear Joe Bob,
Be sure to stop by Cincinnati in 2004 during May or June because the seventeen-year cicadas will be back by then. Not only are they a cheese-and-cracker delicacy, but they provide hours of entertainment for anyone with a badminton racquet who loves to "whap" noisy-ass bugs. You seem to be that type. I'll see you then.
Irreverently yours,
Amadeus Hall
Greenhills, O.

Dear Amadeus:

Nope. I like to scrunch em under my bare feet, scuff the gooey stuff across the pavement, and then wipe my foot off on my sister.