"The Silencers"
Intro [host segments continued from Xtro 2]
"Okay, "The Silencers." This movie was made in 1996, and
I think it's gone pretty much straight to TNT. It's the story of a group
of aliens walkin around scarin people with their black eyeballs--or no
eyeballs, it's kinda hard to tell--and makin threats and killing
government officials till Dennis Christopher shows up in a giant oyster to
shoot em up and teach little boys how to play nicely. These guys with no
eyes are the Men in Black, and they've come to Earth to over-farm its
resources, or a put a super-highway through or something. See, in this
movie, the Men in Black are the actual aliens. I'm not telling you
anything you won't know in the first five minutes, but let's do the drive
in totals and get it started. We have:
47 dead bodies, and I'm not
talkin about people just fallin down--I'm talkin actual by-God
green-blooded death on the screen. No breasts. Five shoot-outs.
Six motor-vehicle collisions, one multiple. Three exploding
motor-vehicles. Exploding helicopter. Exploding tabloid.
Subway collision. Cow-levitation. Hot dog vendor shooting.
Scary eyeballs. Two gallons green blood. Gratuitous ex-wife.
Kung fu. Pole fu. Primal scream fu.
Three stars. Check
it out, and we'll be here, sucking down our own local specialty. Roll
it.
[fading] I'm talking, of course, about the clear Texas air.
[breathing in] Isn't it lovely? [breathing again, sniffing, checking
bottom of boot] Oh man! What is that? Ernie? Jay, you wanna go to Juarez?"
"The Silencers" Commercial Break #1
"With that much action
in the first 15 minutes, it can only be one thing--a PM Entertainment
movie. Joseph Merhi and Richard Pepin, the masters when it comes to doing
action stunts on a super low-budget. They make movies so cheap that the
people who work for em call it BM Entertainment instead of PM
Entertainment, but they do deliver the crashes and explosions. A runaway
train scene--most low-budget people in El Lay would rule that out from day
ONE. Not these guys. Okay, we got UFO cover-ups, dead Senators,
long-mother shoot-outs, a guy with either a loud yell, or some really bad
breath . . . what else we got? Cause we don't got a story yet, so I'm
lookin for SOMETHING. Oh--scary eyes. You know--"You're not allowed in
here, sir." [does scary eyes into camera] "Oh, well, go ahead."
Did you guys
know the Men in Black are one of these UFO legends that have been around
for a while, like before these movies were made? There's all these crazy
UFOlogists--that's what they call themselves, UFOlogists--who've been
going around for years saying these guys come over to your house after
you've been abducted and tell you not to tell anyone about it or they'll
kill your dog and do bad things to your grandma. They did a show about it
on the "X-Files," too, where Alex Trebek was the leader of the Men in
Black, and Charles Nelson Reilly was the guy they visited. That's some
killer casting, I must say. "I'll take Space Travel for 400, Alex." "Don't
tell anyone what you saw!" "Uh, what is a flying saucer?" "I'm warning
you!" [scary eyes] Okay, roll it.
[fading] You know, I got a
cousin-in-law twice-removed up in Minnesota who swears this stuff is true.
Says the MIB travel in twos or threes, but sometimes solo. Witnesses say
they have deeply-tanned skin, but sometimes they're really pale. Some have
slanty eyes, but some have bulging eyes. Some are tall and thin with long
fingers, but some are short and fat. And they may or may not have
fingernails. So basically, anybody in a dark suit. Ernie, take off your
glasses. Lemme see your eyes... "Yes, I will obey."
"The Silencers" Commercial Break #2
"Well, that was
stunningly incomprehensible. What's with the dialogue tonight? "Preset
electromagnetic transducers." I got your electromagnetic transducers right
HERE, bud. And what was that language that was ALMOST Russian? Armenian? I
think it was Armenian. Cause they ARE Marcabian, and that's an Armenian
name if I ever heard one. By the way, did you notice the tie-in between
tonight's movies? "Initiate final Nexus sequence." NEXUS. Nexus was in
Xtro II, remember? Hmmmmmm. Very interesting. The NEXUS CONNECTION. The
conspiracy to mention a meaningless sci-fi word in EVERY sci-fi movie
shown on "MonsterVision." Hmmmmm. Crew members dressed in black. Hmmmmm.
Okay, let's get back to the flick.
[fading] Ernie, missed you at
the MEETING last week. [wink, wink] You know what I'm talkin about. "The
goat lies sleeping in the pasture." [wink, wink] Aha! So NOW you
understand. Why are you looking at me like that? "I will obey."
"The Silencers" Commercial Break #3
"It's Linc from "Mod
Squad"! Linc as the General! What an actor. Clarence Williams III. You
know what he did after The Mod Squad? Well, he did "Return of Mod
Squad," but after THAT he did . . . "Purple Rain," in 84. The Prince
movie. Came out of retirement for that. But he's been back ever since.
"I'm Gonna Git You Sucka," "Tales From the Hood," some John Frankenheimer
movies. He's in the new "Mod Squad" coming out this year. Linc
Hayes.
Then there's Jack Scalia, who's finally emerged as our hero.
It's good to wait half an hour to let the audience know who the main
character is, though. Anyhow, you may remember him as . . . Joey
Buttafuoco. He was in the one of those Amy Fisher movies, the one with
Alyssa Milano. Quick, who were the three Amy Fishers? Alyssa Milano, Drew
Barrymore, AND . . . Noelle Parker from "Ernest Saves Christmas."
Everybody knows that. Okay, back to the flick.
[fading] Maybe I
could be in the one where Joey Buttafuoco has a threesome. With Alyssa
Milano AND Drew Barrymore. The Spice Channel version. Right? That's the
channel where they show all the girls' parts and none of the boys' parts,
if you know what I mean. Drew wouldn't do that, though. Alyssa would, but
Drew wouldn't. She used to. Then she got famous. Now she won't. Thank God
for video."
"The Silencers" Commercial Break #4
"That was basically
ELEVEN SOLID MINUTES of the most hellacious chase sequence ever filmed
with an 18-wheeler, in my opinion. Those things are amazingly difficult to
do, especially with big equipment like that. And to make it even better,
instead of shooting the guy on the big rig, let's CLIMB ABOARD the big rig
and BEAT HIM UP. What was that about? You're gonna tell me the guy was out
of ammo or something, on a secret mission with a license to kill? I'm not
buying it. But we did get to see the Man in Black get run over. And that
was Lance LeGault as Jack Kirby. He was a regular on "The A-Team" for a
few seasons, and he was on "Dallas" for a while. I'm startin to realize
that every actor with a modicum of a southern accent was on "Dallas" for a
while. Jack Scalia, who plays Rafferty, was on "Dallas" for a while.
Dennis Christopher was NOT on "Dallas." If he was, he woulda played some
guy who got the crap beat out of him. Dennis Christopher was in "Breaking
Away" and "Chariots of Fire." And then about a million sci-fi B-movies
like "Alien Predator" and "Circuitry Man" and "Necronomicon," and then he
had a regular part on the TV show "Profiler." Okay, take me to the Phoenix
Corporation so I can speak more Armenian.
[fading] Mail Girl's
coming out next. And I want NO LEERING, do you understand me? Ogling is
all right. Undressing her with your eyes. But no actual leering, have a
little respect, okay? Okay."
"The Silencers" Commercial Break #5
"UFO nerds to the
rescue! Right after the big Exposition Scene, where the nice alien finally
tells us what the HECK is going on. And only an HOUR into the movie.
Anyhow, it's time for my favorite part of the show, where we read mail
from some of the members of our more captive audience, in "Joe Bob's Jail
Break." [enters] And to help us out is our fabulous TNT Mail Girl, Rusty.
By the way, Rusty, you're doing a really great job as Mail Girl.
MAIL GIRL: [surprised] Oh, thank you.
I just wanted to tell
you that, cause I know I don't say it too often. MAIL GIRL: Well,
I'm glad you did. I do get a little insecure sometimes. You
do? MAIL GIRL: Sure. I start wondering, am I bringing you the mail
fast enough . . . Do the letters have enough variety . . . Am I
pronouncing people's names right. It's a lot of pressure. [Joe Bob
nods]
MAIL GIRL: So I AM doing a good job. Yeah. MAIL
GIRL: You sure. Do you think I need a haircut? MAIL GIRL:
Uh . . . no, I think it looks okay. What about the shirt? This
shirt's a little tired, isn't it? MAIL GIRL: It's not
bad-- Have you been watching tonight's show backstage? MAIL
GIRL: Ohhhh. You know what, Joe Bob, you're doing a GREAT show tonight.
And you look very handsome. [BIG sigh, relief] OH, thank you. Cause
I, BOY, I'm so relieved . . .
MAIL GIRL: Here's a letter from Sam
Rutherford at the Washington State Penitentiary in Walla Walla.
I
can't even tell you . . .
"Dear Joe Bob, "My name is Sam
Rutherford and I'm currently serving a sentence at the Washington State
Penitentiary in Walla Wall, Washington. My cellies and I are avid watchers
of your show. We enjoy your commentary and usually find you humorous in a
retarded sort of way."
In a RETARDED sort of way? What does he mean
by that?
"So enough about you. The real reason I'm writing is to
ask if it's possible for Rusty the Mail Girl to get more air time. We all
enjoy her very much and would like to see a LOT more of her. Also, we are
wondering if she could send us an 8x10 color photo of herself. It would be
the centerpiece of our cellie decoration and would bring a lot of
happiness to a coupla lonely guys."
He said I was
retarded. MAIL GIRL: He said they enjoy your commentary and find
you humorous. [pointing to letter] He says "we USUALLY find you
humorous in a RETARDED sort of way." MAIL GIRL: He said they're
"avid watchers of your show." Yeah. Hey, let's turn on Joe Bob, the
retard.
"I have one small request before I close. We are wondering
if you would play Poltergeist and Nightmare on Elm Street in the near
future. Keep up the good work and send Rusty our undying
love.
I don't know if I can do the
prison info. What kinda letter is this? MAIL GIRL: He said "Keep
up the good work." Don't you see I'm very vulnerable tonight?
[suddenly] I gotta go call Mom. [exits]
MAIL GIRL: Okay, Sam . . .
well, thanks for your letter. Free your mind and your butt will follow. Uh
. . . back to the movie. Joe Bob?"
"The Silencers" Commercial Break #6
"The Blues Brothers
with automatic weapons, dropping like flies. Does that about sum it up?
These PM Entertainment movies always hire about 100 guys whose job is JUST
TO DIE. They know how to do that shimmy-and-plunge thing. [demonstrates]
To create the illusion of being riddled with machine-gun fire. The problem
is, we've seen that so many times that it doesn't really shock us anymore
to see a man riddled with machine-gun fire. Anyway, I kinda like Dennis
Christopher in this movie. Sometimes he can get really nutty and
over-the-top in things, but he's pretty good in this. And Jack Scalia is
doin the Alec Baldwin thing, not bad. I guess it's a good reflection on
the director, Richard Pepin. I wonder if he's related to Jacques Pepin,
the famous chef. Then it'd be REE-SHARD Pe-PAN. Anyhow, Richard Pepin is a
huge B-movie producer. He's produced FIFTY-FOUR B-movies since 1986--not
ONE of em listed in Leonard Maltin. Oh, wait a sec, one of em was listed
cause it has ex-porn queen Traci Lords and Bobby from "Taxi" in it. It's
the big all-star Richard Pepin movie. He directed nine of his flicks,
including "The Silencers." And I guess I should mention that he created a
show called "L.A. Heat." Okay, let's go.
[fading] "L.A. Heat,"
"Miami Vice," "NYPD Blue." How different are they? "Chicago Hope." That's
about cops, right? With Christine Lahti as the cop who cries all the time.
I've seen it. My personal favorite series is "Milwaukee Brown." It's a
reality show, a "Cops" sorta deal, only it's about garbage collectors in
Wisconsin."
"The Silencers" Commercial Break #7
"Was that a chase,
crash and fireball? Wasn't THAT a surprise! This is really sort of the
same principle as a porno flick. It's really all about the gunbattles.
They just keep trying to come up with little creative things to happen in
between, like in porno flicks, when the woman gets in a fight with her
boyfriend and the studly guy comes over to fix the dishwasher. We don't
NEED to see that. It's just filler between the shoot-outs. Okay, it's time
for the exciting conclusion to "The Silencers." Go.
[fading] Don't
get me wrong, I LOVE porno. America has perfected the art of porno. There
hasn't been porno like this in the whole history of the world. Guys back
in the Ming Dynasty, ancient Greece and Rome, if they knew this level of
porno was gonna be invented, they woulda worked harder on that
reincarnation thing. One thing America knows how to do is porno."
"The Silencers" Outro
"Nerds with automatic weapons! That's
something you don't see in these movies every day--killer UFOlogists! Boy,
I hope Dennis Christopher was back on his planet before they blew up the
vortex, cause those other guys were taking FOREVER to get OUTTA that
thing. And then they're shot RIGHT when they step out--that's gotta hurt.
You're, like, walkin all cool into the new world, feeling like Tom Hanks,
kicking back, and them BAM! Welcome to Earth, spaceboy! "The Silencers."
Great flick.
Okay, I wanna remind you to invite your date over next
week, cause we'll be showing the closest thing we get to a chick flick,
Dolores Claiborne, where we try to figure out if Kathy Bates is a
murderer, or just a big fat liar. And then we'll watch Joanna Pacula try
to lay a big ole sloppy wet one with fangs on Meredith Salenger in The Kiss.
And that's it for me, Joe Bob Briggs, reminding you that no
matter how hard you try, you can't baptize a cat.
Did you guys hear
the one about the gorilla who walks into a bar and orders a cold one? The
bartender gives it to him and says, "That'll be 25 dollars." Gorilla pays
him, and the bartender says "We don't get many gorillas round these
parts." Gorilla says, "I'm not surprised at these prices."
Joe Bob
Briggs, reminding you the drive-in will never die.
[fading] A
grasshopper walks into a bar. Bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named
after you." Grasshopper says, "Really? You have a drink named
Steve?"
A hamburger walks into a bar. Bartender says, "I'm sorry,
we don't serve food here."
A neutron walks into a bar and orders a
beer. Bartender gives it to him. The neutron says "How much I owe you?"
Bartender says "For you, no charge."
Skeleton walks into a bar,
orders a beer and a mop."
"The Silencers" availability on video and on DVD from Amazon.com
See if your favorite person, TV series or motion picture is available on video:
47 dead bodies, and I'm not
talkin about people just fallin down--I'm talkin actual by-God
green-blooded death on the screen.