Monstervision Host Segments for

Xtro 2: The Second Encounter

"Xtro 2: The Second Encounter" Intro

"Hey, I'm Joe Bob Briggs, and if you liked "Alien," then you're gonna spend the next two hours going "Hey, didn't they do that in Alien?" Cause we're starting off "MonsterVision" tonight with the improbable "Alien" ripoff "Xtro II: The Second Encounter." And then later on we'll have the movie that came BEFORE "Men in Black," called "The Silencers." A slightly different take on those mysterious guys in Armani.

And speaking of Armani, am I the last person in America who actually LIKES to wear a suit? I mean, don't get me wrong. NOT every day. And NOT one of those shoulder-busters that make you feel like a frozen codfish that's been pickled and mummified.
But sometimes it's okay.
It FEELS GOOD.
To me.
But I'm only one guy. Cause what's the universal cry of the male couch potato? "Do I have to wear a COAT AND TIE?" And the answer is, "Yes, sometimes you DO."
But I think the reason so many people are UNHAPPY in their suits is that the goldang things NEVER FIT. And the reason they never fit is that the only place you can buy em now is stores in the mall where they got em racked up like flexible coffins on those wooden hangers with the clothespins on em. After you spend about NINE HOURS tryin on different suits, they have some guy named Sol come out of the back room and make a few chalk marks on your shoulders, waist and cuffs, and then they kinda cinch it up and stretch it out and jerry-rig the sucker until it KINDA fits.

There used to be Chinese guys in every city who would just make an appointment with you, and you'd BUILD the goldang suit. You'd choose what you wanted--herringbone, hound's tooth, nailhead, pinstripe, worsted, flannel, wool, silk, wide lapels, narrow lapels, back vent, side vent, no vent, cuffs, no cuffs, English pockets, open pockets, three buttons, two buttons, four buttons, double-breasted, single-breasted, vest, flat collar, high collar--you get the idea. And the Chinese guy would measure every INCH of your body, and if you had one shoulder that hung lower than the other one, he'd sew that mother so you'd never know the difference.

Why don't we just go back to this system? Cause now what's happenin is that men HATE suits SOOOOO much that you can go to the dangedest places and find perfectly normal people runnin around like sweatshirt goonies. When I first went to the famous restaurant in New Orleans, Brennan's, I was the ONLY guy in a suit. In most cities, when you go to the best restaurant in town, you wear a suit. Evidently they don't dress up for diddly squat in New Orleans. Same thing with the Broadway theater, with symphony orchestras, with hotel dining rooms--all places that used to be full of suit-wearers. Now it's about half and half, so you see one guy in Armani and another guy in Beavis-and-Butthead, side by side. I've been to the Metropolitan Opera House only one time in my life, and I by-God wore a suit. I have to say, the standards of dress at the Met are still pretty high, but I also have to say, there were people there in jeans. Nothing against jeans, but they weren't even GOOD jeans. What is that about? The Metro-goldang-politan Opera!

Anyhow, I'll shut up, cause it's time to start the 1991 flick "Xtro II," starring the one-and-only Jan-Michael Vincent who we all enjoyed in Tribes and Damnation Alley. Don't worry if you didn't see "Xtro" one, cause it's not really a sequel. They just wanted all those "Xtro" fans--whoever they may be--to think it was. It's about this gooey alien with big chompers that explodes out of an astronaut's body and chases Jan-Michael Vincent and his girlfriend and Krycek from the X-Files around this place that could be a space-ship, but it's really an underground lab. It IS an "Alien" rip-off, but it was made for about a twentieth of the price, and it's not bad considering. Let's do those drive-in totals and get it rolling. We have:

Ten dead bodies.
No breasts, but there is a little see-through-sheet action I'll point out when the time comes.
Dehydrated astronaut.
Neck-scratching.
Tail-slapping.
Claw-slapping.
Alien target-practice.
Human fireball.
Death by plummeting.
Exploding elevator.
Exploding alien.
Exploding antagonist.
Gratuitous tai-chi.

About two and a half stars. Check it out, and we'll be here with you all evening.

[fading] And about this suit thing, I don't care if you wear jeans, but HIRE A CHINESE GUY AND GET SOME JEANS THAT FIT! For God's sake. Don't make me have to tell you this again."

"Xtro 2: The Second Encounter" Commercial Break #1

"It's been three years and he still won't talk about... THE TEXAS FIASCO. I wonder which Texas fiasco they're talkin about, cause there's been a lot of em. Starting with the Alamo, right through the Kennedy assassination, the Houston Astrodome, and the shut-down of my favorite strip joint, Geno's Topless on Harry Hines Boulevard in Dallas.

Anyhow, I liked that transport scene, cause it reminded me of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. Remember that scene where the kid who watches TV all the time tries to beam himself over the airwaves, and he gets shrunk down to about six inches high? And then Gene Wilder sends him to the taffy puller? Classic flick. All right, we have a little near-nuditay under a flimsy sheet coming up here, so let's get it going. "Xtro II." Roll it.

[fading] "High alpha-wave activity!" How come they always talk like that in these movies?
"Reset embarkation coordinates for maximum!" They actually said that. It means "time to leave," right? "They're leaving."
"Reset embarkation coordinates for maximum."
Or "Sayonara."

"Xtro 2: The Second Encounter" Commercial Break #2

"We didn't really get to see the monster back there. This movie cost under a million dollars, and the censors apparently wants it to LOOK like it cost under a million dollars, by cuttin out some of the more gruesome special effects. At this point the thing looks sorta like a bloody halibut with a spiny tail. It'll mutate as the show goes along, so I thought I'd let you know what Phase One looked like.

It's good to have a Jan-Michael Vincent movie on. He's had a rough life, so I'm happy to get him a little residual-check action every once in a while. He started out good--he was the handsome surfer dude in the great John Milius flick "Big Wednesday" in 78. And that was like his twentieth movie--before that, he was Mr. Clean-cut Movie Star in Bronson flicks, all kinda stuff. In the mid-eighties, he starred in the TV show "Airwolf." And he was known to take a little nip now and then. Which may or may not be related to his becoming a ruling member of the B-movie royalty, starring in fine films with Heather Thomas, Shannon Tweed, Tanya Roberts. Lots of titles where they take the names of big hit movies and switch the words around, like "Animal Instincts," "Indecent Behavior," "Midnight Witness," stuff like that. Unfortunately, by this time, he was taking more than a little nip now and then, and in 94 his wife got a restraining order against him cause she claimed he broke her ribs and her nose, forced her to have sex with him and his friends, and killed her kitten. Jan-Michael denied killing the kitten. Anyhow, then he got in TWO serious car crashes in two years, one where he went through the windshield, broke his jaw and detached a retina, and another where he broke his neck, but managed NOT to get paralyzed. But they did an intubation--that's when they basically put a garden hose down your throat so you can breathe--and his voice got messed up. He went into rehab, probly more than once. But the guy is STILL working. He did a little part last year in this artsy flick the critics liked called "Buffalo 66." Hardly recognized the guy, but he wasn't bad. All right, back to "Xtro II." Roll it.

[fading] Ernie, I only have one thing to say to you. "You have no right to engage duo-tangents when I'm not here." If it happens again, I'm gonna have to reset embarkation coordinates. Are you understanding me?"

"Xtro 2: The Second Encounter" Commercial Break #3

Is Lisa dead? Dang! She was the yummiest thing in the movie. Rachel Hayward is that gal's name. But boy, that guy better watch those prescription drugs, you know what I'm saying? He'll end up like Jan-Michael Vincent, no offense if you're watching, Jan-Michael. The guy playing Alex Summerfield is Paul Koslo, and I SWEAR I'm hearing an accent of some kind. I think maybe he's Dutch or something. Or maybe I'm hearing things, cause he's been in American movies since the 70s. He was one of Shelley Winters' gang in the great "Cleopatra Jones" in 73. He was the mayor in the infamous "Heaven's Gate." And he OF COURSE starred with Brigitte Nielsen in the immortal Chained Heat II. Paul Koslo.

So here's my question. You knew I had one. WHY didn't Jan-Michael Vincent tell em what happened in Texas? Why would he skulk off to the Poconos for three years while they beam more people into the scary parallel universe? And why would he rather kill someone than say, "Yo, there's a monster inside the babe." Am I over-simplifying? I don't think so. Okay, roll it.

[fading] I don't know which is worse, him not talking, or those movies where the guy goes "I have something to tell you." And they go, "Not now." And the guy goes, "But--" and they go "Not now! Lock him up!" "But, but--" [reaching toward camera, then CUT]

"Xtro 2: The Second Encounter" Commercial Break #4

"Oh, boy, there is a LOT of plot going on all of a sudden, isn't there? "Nexus will be biosealed in T-minus one minute." Biosealed? Is that one of those fake sci-fi movie words, or what? And why is it always "T-minus" one minute? What does T-minus mean? Why don't they just say "Everything will blow up in one minute"? The last time I remember "T-minus" being used was in those old films from the original space program. John Glenn, the FIRST time he went up in space. Anyhow, this flick gets a little confusing here, so I'll clear things up for our undergraduate viewers. It's simple, really. They have X amount of time before the whole place gets flooded with a lethal dose of radiation. So they decide to run for their cars and bring in supplies before the place gets "biosealed," or sealed up. Don't ask me why, if they can get to their cars, why they don't just LEAVE. You know? Yeah, let's NOT call for help, and let's unload the car instead of driving our hineys OUT OF THERE.

By the way, that's Tara Buckman as Julie, who's suddenly stripped down to the Linda Hamilton-Sigourney Weaver muscle-tee. She was the mom in the classic "Silent Night, Deadly Night," about the raping and pillaging Santa Claus, remember her? Maybe not. It came out the same day as Nightmare on Elm Street, and one of em did better than the other--guess which one. You know what Tara Buckman's first role was? She was a rollercoaster attendant in . . . you got it, the classic "Rollercoaster." The disaster movie I hope they put in the time capsule for 1977, that's how classic it is. Okay, go.

[fading] You wanna know my favorite line in this flick? "Why don't you get up off your big butt and start combating?" I watched this thing twenty times to see if the TNT high sheriffs had dubbed that in. "Big butt" just seemed too good to be true. But it was for real. I guess the four screenwriters on this baby had to have SOMETHING to do besides take a couple of the old "Alien" scripts and change the names. Gotta fill up your time somehow."

"Xtro 2: The Second Encounter" Commercial Break #5

"We had a few things cut out of that last part--the alien tentacles ripping the colonel's head off, and the alien driving its tail through the guy before it somehow lights him on fire. And in case you want to know what the alien looks like now, since we lost that TOO, it's sort of a lizard-dragon-kangaroo kinda thing. One thing we're NOT cutting out, though, is the one, the only, Miss Penzoil 1993, Rusty, the TNT Mail Girl. [enters] Yes, indeed, it's time for "Joe Bob's Advice to the Hopeless."

MAIL GIRL: By the way, I was only the First Runner Up in 93.
Get outta here. You didn't win?
MAIL GIRL: No, but First Runner Up's not bad.
So who IS Miss Penzoil 1993?
MAIL GIRL: This girl who kinda greased herself up and rubbed herself all over the judges.

And where do we get HER phone number?

MAIL GIRL: Gee, I'll look it up. We're such good friends now.
You gals in those contests always hate each other, don't you?
MAIL GIRL: Only when your boyfriend's one of the judges, and he still votes for the slut covered in motor oil.
I'm gonna go kick his hiney. Maybe HE has her number.
MAIL GIRL: That's so mean. I thought you LIKED me.
I do.
MAIL GIRL: Then be nice.
I'm sorry. What have you got for me?
MAIL GIRL: I have an e-mail from Joe Rob Shoesteen.

Joe Rob, huh?

"Dear Joe Bob,
"Amen brother.
"Speaking of beer, I died of dehydration while waiting for the beer I won on the Superbeast give-a-way. It was a slow and painful death not unlike John Ratzenburger in Motel Hell, although I wasn't buried up to my neck.
"Everyday I would go out to the mail box just hoping, but no. Towards the end in the delirium, I thought you might try to E-mail it to me, so I took the computer apart looking for it. It hasn't worke3d quit3e %*{~$ since."

See, [showing Mail Girl] he put all kinds of crazy typewriter symbols.
MAIL GIRL: Isn't that cute.

"Under notable quotables: In this month's issue of Playboy--I just look at it for the pictures, someone else reads me the articles--Miss May 1991 in reference to her appearance at Glamour Con:
'Playboy's presence matters. We have to look classy. We have to be classy. This isn't the Panty Express anymore.' If a nekkid 19 year old named Tiffani doesn't class up a place, I don't know what does.

"Your pal,
"Joe Rob Shoesteen."

I can't believe it's taken this long to get you that beer. When did we SHOW "Superbeast"? A year ago? I gave it to the Mail Girl, and she took it RIGHT to the post office.

[Mail Girl shakes her head.]
You didn't take it right to the post office?
[Mail Girl shakes her head again.]
Why not?
MAIL GIRL: Cause you didn't give it to me.

I didn't. That's because . . . [covering] it was the PREVIOUS Mail Girl I gave it to. Joe Rob, hang in there buddy. And if you happened to get the phone numbers of any of the girls who believe it still IS the Panty Express, let me know. They'll do till I find Miss Penzoil 1993.

MAIL GIRL: I can't believe how insensitive you are!
I'm finding her so you gals can patch things up!
[Mail Girl exits]

Maybe she can teach you the motor oil trick.
[slams door]
Or maybe not."

"Xtro 2: The Second Encounter" Commercial Break #6

"So how many of you guys out there are X-Files fans? What do they call em--X-philes, with a "ph"--get it? Anyway, the guy in the elevator shaft who DIDN'T just die--and, excuse me, has anyone heard of mountain-climbing safety? I've never set FOOT on a mountain, and even I'M gonna guess that you don't untie yourself when you stop to rest--anyway, the guy who's still alive is Nicholas Lea [pronounced Lee]. He went straight from this movie to the TV show "The Commish" for three years. And then from there he got the recurring part of Alex Krycek on the "X-Files," the one-armed baddie who killed both Mulder's father AND Skully's sister. They talk about him all the time in the "X-Files" chat rooms on the Internet, call him Ratboy. And I think he's the best performance in tonight's flick, I really do. Okay, it's time for the thrilling conclusion of "Alien." I mean, "Xtro II."

[fading] I never woulda guessed one of those guys was gonna fall down the elevator shaft, would you? I love those surprise plot twists. And how bout that dialogue: "We're packing enough CY to blow the World Trade Center." See, you gotta be careful with this stuff. Guys in Brooklyn with bad beards and white robes are getting their ideas from CABLE! You know what I'm saying? JeeZUS, that's scary."

"Xtro 2: The Second Encounter" Outro

"That guy when he was about to explode there at the end--that looked like me when I went down to Juarez last spring and drank a little too much of the local specialty, if you know what I mean and I think you do. Stuff was alien-strength. I woke up three days later in my own Embarkation Zone, with a girl named Juanita. Come to think of it, I'm overdue for a bordertown road trip. What do you say, Ernie?"

"Xtro 2" is available on video. It is not available on DVD, though Xtro 3 is on DVD

Tonight's host segments continue with aliens in The Silencers

"Over 80% of the human race goes through life without having a single original thought." H.L. Mencken

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Host segment transcript of April 1999 broadcast ©1999 Turner Network Television. A Time Warner Company. All Rights Reserved