Sphere (1998)

“Sphere, based on the Michael Crichton novel, is the story of a group of scientists investigating an alien spacecraft that has crashed deep beneath the ocean (they were probably on a manatee mutilating expedition). The craft has picked up a large golden medicine ball, the purpose of which eludes the brainy scientists, played by Hoffman, Stone, and Jackson. Not one of them arrives at the most likely solution: that it’s simply a ball, probably used by some alien phys-ed teacher to smash into the face of the smart but slightly corpulent kid who threatens his own masculinity.

“As the less than brilliant scientists try to sort it out, people start dying, of course, until there are only a few of them left, etc., you know the drill. Sphere is the kind of movie that gives sci-fi in general its well-deserved reputation as the smelly, unemployed cousin of the entertainment family. Simple, half-baked moral messages are dressed up in wan intrigue, all of it shot on superdark sets so no one notices how bad it all is. Truly the central message of Sphere is the type that makes even the lesser stories on the original Star Trek seem profound.

“The DVD features many extras, including an audio track with the voices of Dustin Hoffman and Samuel L. Jackson sharing their experiences in making the film. As talented as there two are, I’d frankly rather sit thru Senator Orrin Hatch reading The Uniform Commercial Code. I did manage to get thru a few Samuel Jackson stories before I realized I had bullion cubes that need sorting.