MonsterVision Host Segments for
"THE SURGEON" Intro
[2nd MonsterVision feature, opening shot on deodorant, hairspray. Host segments continued from Frankenstein]
Aw, wasn't that sweet? That Frankenstein movie didn't make a lick of sense. Where did that "father" business come from? Kenneth Branagh causes the creature nothing but pain and heartache, refuses to give him the girl -- and by the way, given the way she looks, I'm glad Frankenstein wasn't specializing in plastic surgery back in med school -- anyway, then the creature gets all weepy when he dies. Kenneth Branagh wasn't his FATHER, John Cleese's father was his father. Or DeNiro's father was his father, depending on whether you think the soul resides in the brain or the body.
Speaking of which, I know where the soul of the Bride of Joe Bob resides -- definitely in the body. Lemme just add a few final ingredients . . . deodorant . . . hairspray . . . and a little bit of this [pours some of Joe Bob's favorite beverage on the patient] Okay, let's turn her on.
Live! Live! [a gorgeous blonde sits up on the table]
Well, hello. I'll be right with you.
Before I consummate my marriage here, I want to let you know that next week's class here at "Joe Bob's Summer School" is Pop Culture 201, where I will be lecturing on the road movie, whilst showing the classic Blues Brothers along with your favorite movie about a nerd who loses his bicycle, "Pee-Wee's Big Adventure."
Right now, though, it's time for Part Two of Pre-Med 101, featuring a movie made in 1994 -- the same year as "Mary Shelley's Frankenstein" --that didn't get quite as much press. It's that classic tale of a mad scientist who witnesses his brother's death as a child and years later starts crawling around through hospital air ducts jabbing anyone who gives him attitude with an elephant-sized hypodermic and making their veins explode all over the place. I'm talking about, of course, "The Surgeon." Let's do those drive-in totals and get it started. We have:
Twelve dead bodies.
One dead baboon.
One breast--keep your eyes peeled.
One tracheotomy.
Hand rearranging.
Thumb-ectomy.
One motor-vehicle pedestrian collision.
Strangling.
Lip sewing.
Bitch slapping.
Hand stabbing.
Needle to the eyeball.
Needle to the brain.
Knife to the chest.
Sharp thingy through the chest.
Four gallons blood.
Gratuitous swimming pool make-out session.
Carbon dioxide Fu.
Electro-shock therapy Fu.
Three stars. Check it out, and I'll be discussing various surgical techniques with our guest-lecturer Dr. Kenneth Siporin as we go along.
[helping girl off table] Honey, I believe Professor Joe Bob's gonna have to see you after school.
BRIDE OF JOE BOB: Daaaa-deeee?
No I'm not you're daddy, I'm--yeah, I'm your daddy.
"THE SURGEON " Commercial Break #1
[saline and silicone implants]
Did you see it? In the foreground, as big as day? It's not often TNT lets a hooter get by like that. I think they were distracted by the woman's veins bursting under her skin. That was one of the grossest scenes I've seen since the one in "Bloodsucking Freaks" involving an unnatural sex act with a decapitated head. But let's not get side-tracked, because -- speaking of hooters -- our special guest-lecturer is here. He's a well-respected Beverly Hills plastic and reconstructive surgeon who's graciously agreed to join us and answer our questions about the many procedures that he performs, Dr. Kenneth Siporin. Dr. Siporin, welcome to "Joe Bob's Summer School."
[Dr. Siporin]
So what's available these days for the woman who wants to live up to her full potential?
[Dr. Siporin]
Okay, let's start with breast augmentation, since it relates to the scene we just watched. You like that for an excuse? What are the different techniques for breast augmentation, and which one can a woman use for the most natural effect?
[Dr. Siporin]
I understand you brought some visual aids with you. Can you show us those?
[Dr. Siporin shows implants]
Is breast augmentation less popular than it used to be, after all the lawsuits that popped up a few years ago?
[Dr. Siporin]
How can you encourage women who are considering breast augmentation, but who are on the fence?
[Dr. Siporin]
Well, all I have to say to those women is, "Big is beautiful." Okay, let's get back to the flick. We'll talk more with Dr. Siporin at the next break.
[fading] Can I touch that again? Do these hurt?
"THE SURGEON " Commercial Break #2
[In classroom]
Malcolm McDowell dies in the second reel AGAIN. You gotta think he's making these deals on purpose. "What? You wanna pay me a half million? Okay, but could you kill me off quick? I've gotta be in Aspen next week." It's Pre-Med Night here at "Joe Bob's Summer School," and we're here with our guest-lecturer, plastic surgeon Kenneth Siporin. Let's talk about the plastic surgery men are getting. Now, I don't need this, but I just thought I'd ask you, are plastic surgeons the ones who do penile implants?
[Dr. Siporin says yes, but he doesn't do them himself]
And why don't you do them?
[Dr. Siporin]
Okay, here's my next question for the men: what are we doing about baldness?
[Dr. Siporin]
Do you have any before-and-after pictures of your plugwork? That's probably not the right word, is it?
[Dr. Siporin]
What else are men having done these days?
[Dr. Siporin]
All right, let's watch some more of the flick, and we'll get back to this at the next break.
[fading] You think I could use some pectoral implants?
[Dr. Siporin]
What could I get for, like, 200 bucks?
[As you've figured out by now, some brain surgeon at TNT decided to post this script BEFORE Joe Bob's live interview with the good Doctor, so Joe Bob's questions are here, but no answers. Fortunately, Joe Bob's guest on the previous year's MonsterVision Summerschool posted his interview with Joe Bob on his own website! Click here for that interview from 1998 MonsterVision Acne Night, complete with monster movie photos]
"THE SURGEON" Commercial Break #3
[In classroom]
Ouch! Yale School of Drama graduate Sean Haberle as the psychotic Dr. Matar, doing the medical procedure known as slamming your hand in a drawer. And of course we all recognize Peter Boyle as Lieutenant McEllwaine. Peter Boyle, the only monk-turned-sitcom star that I know of. Currently in "Everybody Loves Raymond," by way of "Taxi Driver" and Beyond the Poseidon Adventure, not to mention playing the monster in Young Frankenstein. Talk about range. All right, as you know, it's Pre-Med 101, and we're still here with our guest-lecturer, plastic surgeon Dr. Kenneth Siporin. So, doc, do women come in with pictures of celebrities and models and say, "I want to look like this?"
[Dr. Siporin]
What look is the most popular right now?
[Dr. Siporin]
I know lip jobs are really big. But I've been noticing women here and there whose lips are a little out-of-whack. Like one side is a sofa cushion, and the other side is a bean-bag chair. What's goin on there?
[Dr. Siporin - maybe w/visual aids]
When a patient of yours is married, is it generally the woman or her husband who wants her to get the surgery?
[Dr. Siporin]
Okay, we're gonna get back to "The Surgeon." Dr. Siporin, can you stick around a little bit longer?
[Dr. Siporin]
[fading] I know you probly can't give us names, but just answer yes or no. You have any celebrity patients?
[Dr. Siporin nods]
Oh, yeah? Which ones?
"THE SURGEON " Commercial Break #4
[In classroom]
Did the psycho surgeon just kill Mother Love? Outstanding! Mother Love is getting really famous these days with that syndicated show "Forgive or Forget," where these people come on and tell a story about why they no longer speak to their sister because they slept with her husband or something, and then they walk over to this door, and if the sister forgives em, she walks through the door, and if she doesn't, it's just the person standing alone on the stage. Talk about your cruel tv moment. Anyhow, Beverly Hills plastic surgeon Kenneth Siporin is our guest-lecturer. Do you do reconstructive surgery after car accidents and stuff?
[Dr. Siporin]
You wanna share with us the most gruesome assignment you've ever had?
[Dr. Siporin]
(Enquirer)
[Dr. Siporin]
Can you give us some ballpark costs of your more popular cosmetic surgeries?
[Dr. Siporin]
And what model of Mercedes do you drive?
[Dr. Siporin]
A little good-natured teasing. Let's get back to the film.
[fading] You got the leather interior in that? [or] It's a Jaguar, isn't it?
"THE SURGEON " Commercial Break #5
[Classroom - book: "Falling for the Doctor"]
Do they really make hypodermic needles that big, or is that just movie-magic hypos? Cinematic psycho hypos. I like the way they know exactly what the psycho is thinking. "He's collecting pituitary extract, of course." And I see the filmmakers here utilized the 26th rule of filmmaking: All buildings have a system of air ducts which run throughout them, allowing anyone access to any part of the building at all times. Oh, wait, I can ask you, doc. Do they really make hypodermic needles the size of bicycle pumps?
[Dr. Siporin]
Dr. Siporin, I want to thank you so much for being here at "Joe Bob's Summer School." We give each of our guest-lecturers a book as a parting gift, and we got you one I think you'll enjoy. It's a Harlequin Super-Romance called "Falling for the Doctor." You haven't already read this, have you?
[Dr. Siporin]
By the way, how many plastic surgeons date their patients?
[Dr. Siporin]
What about marry their patients?
[Dr. Siporin]
Thanks again for being here. We're gonna go back to the flick now.
[fading] "He's collecting pituitary extract." How did they know that? I couldn't even figure that out, and I'm certified by the American Board of [mumbles something]. Peripheral Care Division. Northwest wing. Ask for Marylou.
"THE SURGEON " Commercial Break #6
[Classroom]
The lip-sewing was a nice touch. And having the psycho surgeon be the ex-boyfriend of Isabel Glasser -- that's not bad either. Because we KNOW what ex-boyfriends will do, don't we? But is this movie slowing down or is it just me? How many scenes in the air ducts have we had? 18, 20 scenes? I love when he walks into the middle of the cafeteria with that big needle, though, and injects the jello without anyone seeing him. Talk about suspense. That last part also had my favorite line, while he's sewing up the guy's lips: "No more boring speeches from you, Ed." Okay, time for the thrilling climax to "The Surgeon." Go.
[fading] We haven't talked about hospital food, have we? I have just one word for those of you who have to eat that stuff: Esophagogas- troduodenoscopy. Ask for it by name.
"THE SURGEON " Outro
[Classroom]
Very nice final scene, with the final image of the smashed hypo. And I loved the scene where he had the bonesaw and she had the defibrillator, and they were DISCUSSING WHAT WENT WRONG WITH THE RELATIONSHIP. We've all been there, right? But at the VERY end, did the good guy die? Is James Remar dead? That's against the rules. You can't have the love interest hang in there through the whole movie and then waste him in the last five seconds. That's like having an aorto-coronary bypass with combined right and left cardiac catheterizations and then choking on an M&M. You guys know what I'm talking about? [silence from crew]
Okay, I wanna thank our guest-lecturer, Dr. Kenneth Siporin, and the Bride of Joe Bob here, for waiting so nicely for me to finish the show. Also, let me remind you that next week's class here at "Joe Bob's Summer School" is Pop Culture 201, specifically the Supreme Importance of Route 66 in American Iconography. And we'll be watching two nouveau classic road movies, The Blues Brothers and Pee-Wee's Big Adventure. Because if Pee-Wee Herman's not college course material, I don't know what is.
[to Bride] You remember what I taught you, honey?
BRIDE OF JOE BOB: I'm sorry I left the toilet seat down, Joe Bob. I'll keep it up from now on.
Good girl. That's it for me, Professor Joe Bob Briggs, reminding you that if your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise.
You guys hear the one about the middle-aged woman who has a heart attack? She's taken to the hospital, and while she's on the operating table she has a near-death experience. She sees God, and she asks him, "Is this it?" God says, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live." The woman recovers, and decides to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, breast augmentation and a tummy tuck. She even has someone come in and color her hair, thinking since she has so much more time to live, she might as well make the most of it. She gets out of the hospital after the last operation, and while she's crossing the street, she's hit by a car and is instantly killed. She goes to Heaven and says to God, "I thought you said I had another 43 years?" And God says, "I didn't recognize you." Joe Bob Briggs, reminding you that the drive-in will never die.
[fading] A woman is on her deathbed with her husband maintaining a vigil by her side. He holds her hand, and tears run down his face, splash onto her face, and wake her up. She looks at him and her lips began to move. She whispers, "My darling husband." The husband says, "Hush, my love. Go back to sleep. Shhh. Don't talk." But she insists. "I have to talk. I have something I must confess to you." The husband says, "There's nothing to confess. It's all right. Everything's all right, go to sleep now." Woman says, "No, no. I must die in peace. I slept with your brother, your best friend and your father." The husband manages a pained smile and strokes her hand. "Hush now, don't torment yourself. I know all about it," he says. "Why do you think I poisoned you?"
Back to Monstervision
Editor's note: Dr. Siporin was one of Joe Bob's least-talkative guests, however he also did a lot of ad-libbing which I didn't write down. As you saw on the car question, Joe Bob had 2 possible answers ready, and I didn't keep a tape of the episode. So if anyone out there knows Dr. Siporin, ask him if he's got a Jaguar so that I can update this silly page.
Can anyone direct me to The Dentist? It's right next to the Little Shop of Horrors near the Ice Cream Man
See if your favorite person, TV series or
motion picture is available on video/books:
How many surgeons does it take to change a lightbulb?
Nevermind, let's just remove the socket so you won't have that problem again.
Sign in an Emergency Room:
"Is this a TRUE EMERGENCY?"
[followed by a long list of actual emergencies, then one last line at the bottom]
"If this were a TRUE EMERGENCY, you would not have stopped to read this far."
Seen on the hospital chart of an uncooperative patient:
"Patient medicated; nurse resting comfortably."
Host segment transcript
© 1999 Turner Network Television. A Time Warner Company. All Rights Reserved. E Pluribus Unum. AOL Rules The World.
