`On display? I eventually had to go down to the cellar to find them.'
`That's the display department.'
`With a torch.'
`Ah, well the lights had probably gone.'
`So had the stairs.'
`But look you found the notice didn't you?'
`Yes,' said Arthur, `yes I did. It was on display in the bottom of a locked filing cabinet stuck in a disused lavatory with a sign on the door saying "Beware of The Leopard".'
He gestured Arthur towards a chair which looked as if it had been made out of the rib cage of a stegosaurus.
"It was made out of the rib cage of a stegosaurus," explained the old man...
"Oh no, not again."
"The answer to the Great Question..."
"Of Life, the Universe and Everything..." said Deep Thought.
"Is..." said Deep Thought, and paused.
"Is..."
"Forty-two," said Deep Thought, with infinite majesty and calm.
Vogon poetry is of course the third worst in the Universe. The second worst is that of the Azgoths of Kria. During a recitation by their Poet Master Grunthos the Flatulent of his poem 'Ode to a Small Lump of Green Putty I Found in My Armpit One Midsummer Morning' four of his audience died of internal hemorrhaging, and the President of the Mid-Galactic Arts Nobbling Council survived by gnawing one of his own legs off. Grunthos is reported to have been 'disappointed' by the poem's reception, and was about to embark on a reading of his twelve-book epic entitled My Favorite Bathtime Gurgles when his own major intestine, in a desperate attempt to save life and civilization, leaped straight up through his neck and throttled his brain.
The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't.
There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers what the universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.
There is another which states that this has already happened.
It is known that there are an infinite number of worlds, simply because there is an infinite amount of space for them to be in. However not every one of them is inhabited. Therefore, there must be a finite number of inhabited worlds. Any finite number divided by infinity is as near to nothing as makes no odds, so the average population of all the planets in the Universe can be said to be zero. From this it follows that the population of the whole Universe is also zero, and that any people you may meet from time to time are merely the products of a deranged imagination.
"If I ever meet myself," said Zaphod, "I'll hit myself so hard I won't know what's hit me."
"How do you think I feel?" said Marvin bitterly.
"Just ran off and left you, did they?" the machine thundered.
"Yes," said Marvin.
"I think I'll shoot down their bloody ceiling as well!" raged the tank. It took out the ceiling of the bridge.
"That's very impressive," murmured Marvin.
"You ain't seen nothing yet," promised the machine. "I can take out this floor too, no trouble!"
It took out the floor too.
"Hell's bells!" the machine roared as it plummeted fifteen stories and smashed itself into bits on the ground below.
"What a depressingly stupid machine,' said Marvin and trudged away."
They were a double pair of Joo Janta 200 Super-Chromatic Peril Sensitive Sunglasses, which had been specially designed to help people develop a relaxed attitude to danger. At the first hint of trouble they turn totally black and thus prevent you from seeing anything that might alarm you.
"Thank you. Since we decided a few weeks ago to adopt the leaf as legal tender, we have, of course, all become immensely rich."
"But we have also," continued the management consultant, "run into a small inflation problem on account of the high level of leaf availability, which means that, I gather, the current going rate has something like three deciduous forests buying one ship's peanut."
Arthur felt happy. He was terribly pleased that the day was for once working out so much according to plan. Only twenty minutes ago he had decided he would go mad, and now here he was already chasing a Chesterfield sofa across the fields of prehistoric Earth.
"The Guide says that there is an art to flying," said Ford, "or rather a knack. The knack lies in learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss."
"What was that?" hissed Arthur.
"Something red," hissed Ford back at him.
"Where are we?"
"Er, somewhere green."
"Shapes," muttered Arthur. "I need shapes."
"Think of a number, any number."
"Er, five," said the mattress.
"Wrong," said Marvin. "You see?"
He almost danced to the fridge, found the three least hairy things in it, put them on a plate and watched them intently for two minutes. Since they made no attempt to move within that time, he called them breakfast and ate them. Between them they killed a virulent space disease he'd picked up without knowing it in the Flargathon Gas Swamps a few days earlier, which otherwise would have killed off half the population of the Western Hemisphere, blinded the other half, and driven everyone else psychotic and sterile, so the Earth was lucky there.
Will Smithers, for instance, the owner of Know-Nothing-Bozo the Non-Wonder Dog, an animal so stupid that it had been sacked from one of Will's own commercials for being incapable of knkowing which dog food it was supposed to prefer, despite the fact that the meat in all the other bowls had engine oil poured all over it.
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is a powerful organ. Indeed, its influence is so prodigious that strict rules had to be drawn up by its editorial staff to prevent its misuse. So none of its field researchers is allowed to accept any kingd of services, discounts, or preferential treatment of any kind in return for editorial favors unless:
a) they have made a bona fide attempt to pay for a service in the normal way,
b) their lives would be otherwise in danger, or
c) they really want to.
Nothing travels faster than the speed of light with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own special laws. The Hingefreel people of Arkintoofle Minor did try to build spaceships that were powered by bad news but they didn't work particularly well and were so extremely unwelcome whenever they arrived anywhere that there wasn't really any point in being there.
U.2.1 - Some cards have a picture and no text. These are intended for use to represent token creatures for you so you don't have use coins, glass beads, kittens, pick-up trucks, or other handy objects. [QAS 98/09/09]
You cannot force someone get a drink which cannot be reasonably acquired. For example, you cannot make them go to Hawaii for a special drink that is only available there. [QAS 98/09/09] But they might be willing to go if you pay for the trip. - (Ashnod's Coupon)
Choosing the word "Wow" when playing against Jeff Donais is legal, but unfair on Jeff. [Barclay 98/08/13] - (Censorship)
Well, at least this solves the age-old question... [Barclay 98/08/13] - (Chicken Egg)
Two feet is 61 cm. [TomHa 98/09/15] - (Clay Pigeon)
If the next game with the player isn't a game of Magic, you still follow the instructions if you can. So, if you're playing Poker next, this could turn out to be very good for you. [Barclay 98/08/13] - (Double Cross)
You automatically win any hamburger eating contests that you are challenged to have, if this card is in play when you're challenged. [Barclay 98/08/13] - (Elvish Imersonators)
Optional Rule: You do have to flip all the coins at once. Extra dexterity may be required. [Barclay 98/08/12] - (Flock of Rabid Sheep)
If Giant Fan's ability is countered, put a "counter" counter on it. [Barclay 98/08/13] - (Giant Fan)
Not suitable for children under 3 years. 2 to 4 players. To play the Heifer's upkeep cost, hit it repeatedly very hard. Oh, sorry, I must be thinking of something else. [Barclay 98/08/13] - (Hungry Hungry Heifer)
This card is hard to play with. Just try declaring an attack with it in play. [Barclay 98/08/13] - (I'm Rubber, You're Glue)
You can say "It's coming" in any language. For example, "Przybywa!" in Polish, "Kuru zo!" in Japanese, "Bientot!" in French, or "Es Kommt!" in German. [TomHa 98/09/15] - (Infernal Spawn of Evil)
If Paul Daniels or David Copperfield is playing with this card, they are required to get a judge to do the card manipulation. [Barclay 98/08/13] - (Jalum Grifter)
It also removes cards from the phased-out zone and the stack. It will not remove cards from the Ante zone, because as everyone knows the DCI refutes all knowledge of the existence of Ante. [Barclay 98/08/13] - (Look at Me, I'm the DCI")
You may not sacrifice real organs (body, pipe, etc.) to gain mana. [Barclay 98/08/13] - (Organ Harvest)
If there is a mirror (or similar object) such that a player can see their own card, they must reorient themselves or cover the mirror. [D'Angelo 99/02/21] Vampires are exempt from this rule. [Dracula] - (Psychic Network)
If a particular player disputes your assessment of their gender, you may ask them to prove it. They do not have to comply, but you do have to stand still long enough for them to be able to take a good swing at you. [Barclay 98/08/13] - (Sex Appeal)
You cannot choose to have yourself to guess. [QAS 98/09/09] This is an official change to the card that many people would call "errata". - (Squirel Farm)
The NetReps will not answer questions on this card. All questions on it should be directed to <-questions@wizards.com-> or to (800) 324-6496. [QAS 98/09/09] - (The Ultimate Nightmare of Wizards of the Coast(R) Customer Service)
Arrows cost money. Irish are free. - (Braveheart)
Arthur: Look, you stupid bastard. You've got no arms left!
Black Knight: Yes I have.
Arthur: Look!
Black Knight: Just a flesh wound!
(Monty Python and the Holy Grail)
When danger reared its ugly head,
He bravely turned his tail and fled
Yes, Brave Sir Robin turned about
And gallantly he chickened out
Bravely taking to his feet
He beat a very brave retreat
Bravest of the brave Sir Robin
Petrified of being dead
Soiled his pants then brave Sir Robin
Turned away and fled.
(Monty Python and the Holy Grail)
King Arthur: Right. One... two... five!
Galahad: Three, sir.
King Arthur: Three!
(Monty Python and the Holy Grail)
Bevedere: Why do you think she is a witch?
Villiger: Oh, she turned me into a newt!
Bevedere: A newt?
Villiger: .... I got better.
(Monty Python and the Holy Grail)
THERE ARE THOSE WHO CALL ME...Tim. - (Monty Python and the Holy Grail)
Tom Smykowski: It's a "Jump to Conclusions Mat"! You see, you have this mat, with different CONCLUSIONS written on it that you could JUMP TO!
Michael Bolton: That is the worst idea I've ever heard!
Samir: Yes, this is horrible, this idea! - (Office Space)
Milton: Excuse me, I believe you have my stapler. - (Office Space)
Peter: I cannot believe what a bunch of losers we are. We're looking up "money laundering" in the dictionary! - (Office Space)
Banky: That's what the Internet is for, slandering others anonymously. - (Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back)
Holden: A Jay and Silent Bob movie? Feature length? Who'd pay to see that? - (Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back)
Tricia Jones: Why didn't he option that comic about your "relationship?"
Alyssa Jones: Oh, "Chasing Amy?" That would never work as a movie. - (Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back)
Customer: Are you even supposed to be here today?
Dante Hicks: Dude, don't get me started. - (Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back)
Jason Biggs: See, it always comes back to the pie. No one ever says "Hey! You're that guy from Loser" or "Boys and Girls".
James Van Der Beek: Come on, you stuck your dick in a pie. - (Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back)
Randal: If you where funnier than that, ABC would have never cancelled us. - (Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back)
Lucilla: Today I saw a slave become more powerful than the Emperor of Rome - (Gladiator)
John McClane: A hundred million terrorists in the world and I gotta kill one with feet smaller than my sister. - (Die Hard)
Hans Gruber: Do you really think you have a chance against us, Mister Cowboy?
John McClane: Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker! - (Die Hard)
Randal: My mom's been fuckin' a dead guy for 30 years. I call him dad. - (Clerks)
Dante: Call the police!
Randal: Why?
Dante: Because there's a stranger in our bathroom that just raped Caitlin!
Randal: She said she did all the work!
Dante: Will you shut the fuck up! - (Clerks)
Dante: I'm not even supposed to be here today! - (Clerks)
Randal: They never rent anything good either. They always choose the most intellectually devoid stuff on the rack. - (Clerks)
Customer: What do you mean there's no ice! I have to drink this coffee hot? - (Clerks)
Dante: You ever notice how all the prices end in nine? Damn, that's eerie... - (Clerks)
Randal: This job would be great if it wasn't for the fucking customers. - (Clerks)
Dante: But you hate people.
Randal: Yes, but I love gatherings. Isn't it ironic? - (Clerks)
Randal: I could do without the customers in the video store.
Dante: Which ones?
Randal: All of them. - (Clerks)
Hooper: Check this shit. You got cracker farm boy Luke Skywalker, Nazi poster boy, blond hair, blue eyes. And then you got Darth Vader, the blackest brother in the galaxy, Nubian god!
Banky: What's a Nubian?
Hooper: Shut the fuck up! - (Chasing Amy)
Banky: Since you like chicks, right, do you just look at yourself naked in the mirror all the time? - (Chasing Amy)
Jay: So why the long face, Horace? Banky on the rag?
Holden: I'm just, ahh... just havin' a little girl trouble.
Jay: Bitch pressin' charges? I get that a lot. - (Chasing Amy)
Holden: It's not who you love, it's how. - (Chasing Amy)
Holden: How do you manage to get away with this all the time? I mean, shouldn't the cops be busting your head open right about now?
Banky: Wrong coast - (Chasing Amy)
Silent Bob: You're chasing Amy.
Holden: What?
Silent Bob: You're chasing Amy.
Jay: What are you so surprised about? The fat bastard does this all the time. He thinks just because he don't say anything, it'll have, like, this huge impact when he does open his fucking mouth. - (Chasing Amy)
Metatron: Anyone who isn't dead or from another plane of existence would do well to cover their ears right about now. - (Dogma)
Bethany: What's the fine print?
Metatron: [mumbling into glass]Stopacoupleofangelsfromenteringandthusnegatingallexistence. Damn, this is good tequila.
Bethany: Wait, wait, wait. Repeat that.
Metatron: "Damn, this is good tequila"?
Bethany: The first part.
Metatron: Details. Stop a couple of angels from entering and thus negating all existence. God, I hate when people need it spelled out for them. - (Dogma)
Serendipity: Leave it to the Catholics to destroy existence. - (Dogma)
Jay: Guys like us don't just fall out of the sky, you know! [Rufus falls naked out of the sky.] Beautiful naked women with big titties don't just fall out of the sky, you know! [nothing] Worth a try. - (Dogma)
Rufus: I'm telling you, man, this ceremony is a big mistake!
Cardinal Glick: The Catholic Church does not make mistakes!
Rufus: What about the Church's silent consent to the slave trade?
Bethany: And its platform of noninvolvement during the Holocaust?
Cardinal Glick: All right, mistakes were made. - (Dogma)
Leonard: The world doesn't just disappear when you close your eyes, does it? - (Memento)
Teddy: Ya know, I've had more rewarding relationships... but at least I can keep telling the same jokes. - (Memento)
Teddy: You're not a killer. That's why you're so good at it. - (Memento)
Mr. Hand: I have become the monster you were intended to be. - (Dark City)
Vezzini: You fell victim to one of the classic blunders. The most famous is: Never get involved in a land war in Asia. Only slightly less well know is this: Never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line! - (The Princess Bride)
Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who tells you different is selling something. - (The Princess Bride)
Vezzini: He didn't fall? Inconceivable!
Inigo: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
(The Princess Bride)
Gimli: That's two already.
Legolas: I'm on seventeen... nineteen!
Gimli: What! I'll not let some pointy-ear out-score me!! - (LOTR: The Two Towers)
Gollum: Master hurts us, Master betrays us. We should strangle him in his sleep. No, no, too risky...unless...we let 'her' do it... yes... Yes, she could do it for us, right precious? - (LOTR: The Two Towers)
Christian: The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return. - (Moulin Rouge!)
Argentinean: Never fall in love with a woman who sells herself. It always ends bad! - (Moulin Rouge!)
Satine: You're going to be bad for business. I can tell. - (Moulin Rouge!)
The Duke: Why can't the courtesan marry the maharaja?!
Christian: Because she doesn't love you! - (Moulin Rouge!)
Zidler: A magnificent, opulent, tremendous, stupendous, gargantuan, bedazzlement, a sensual ravishment. It will be: Spectacular Spectacular! - (Moulin Rouge!)
Toulouse-Lautrec: The hills are made with the euphonious symphonies of descant...
Doctor: I don't think a nun would say that about a hill. - (Moulin Rouge!)
You hear that, Mr. Anderson? That is the sound of inevitability. It is the sound....of your death. - (The Matrix)
Tyler Durden: We're the middle children of history. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our Great War is a spiritual war... our Great Depression is our lives. - (Fight Club)
Tyler Durden: You're not your job. You're not how much money you have in the bank. You're not the car you drive. You're not the contents of your wallet. You're not your fucking khakis. You're the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world. - (Fight Club)
Tyler Durden: You are not special. You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. You are the same decaying organic matter as everything else. - (Fight Club)
Narrator: If you wake up at a different time in a different place, could you wake up as a different person? - (Fight Club)
Narrator: Is Tyler my bad dream? Or am I Tyler's? - (Fight Club)
Dark Helmet: So the combination is one, two, three, four, five? That's the stupidest combination I've ever heard! That's the kind of combination an idiot would put on his luggage! - (Spaceballs)
Lonestar: So, Lord Helmet, at last we meet again for the first time for the last time. - (Spaceballs)
Dark Helmet: So, Lone Star, now you see that evil will always triumph because good is dumb. - (Spaceballs)
Dark Helmet: Before you die there is something you should know about us, Lone Star.
Lone Star: What?
Dark Helmet: I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate.
Lone Star: What's that make us?
Dark Helmet: Absolutely nothing! Which is what you are about to become. - (Spaceballs)
Lady Eboshi: Now watch closely, everyone. I'm going to show you how to kill a god. A god of life and death. The trick is not to fear him. - (Princess Mononoke)
Toki: Thanks, stranger. My husband's an idiot, but I'm glad he's safe and sound.
Ashitaka: That's a relief. I was starting to think I'd done something wrong by bringing him back home. - (Princess Mononoke)
Riff Raff: [singing] Frank-n-Furter it's all over. Your mission is a failure, your lifestyle's too extreme. I'm your new commander. You are now my prisoner. We return to Transylvania. Prepare the transit beam. - (Rocky Horror Picture Show)
Janet: [singing] Touch-a touch-a touch-a touch me / I wanna be dirty! Chill me, thrill me, fulfill me / Creature of the night! - (Rocky Horror Picture Show)
Magenta: I ask for nothing!
Frank: And you shall receive it, IN ABUNDANCE! - (Rocky Horror Picture Show)
Riff Raff: With a bit of a mind flip
Magenta: You're into a time slip
Riff Raff: And nothing can ever be the same.
Magenta: You're spaced out on sensation. HAH!
Riff Raff: Like you're under sedation!
All: Let's do the time warp again! - (Rocky Horror Picture Show)
