Fear Itself--Chapter Seven (original draft)

A joke for fans of Hitman...

 Doctor Who: The Crossover Internet Adventures
XIA #5--Fear Itself
Chapter Seven: "Surrection (In and Re)"
by John Seavey

 Bound by several large, intricate chains, the Doctor and Bibbo found themselves escorted down a rather long hallway by two parademons. As they walked down the hallway, flames shot up from both sides.

 "One of these days," the Doctor muttered. "I think I shall ask Dante if he ever visited here."

 Just then, both men found themselves face-to-face with Darkseid. Seeing Darkseid's countenance, the Doctor wondered just exactly *what* kind of life forms lived here...and how they came into existence.

 "Are *you* the Doctor?" Darkseid asked.

 "I am," the Doctor answered. "May I, in return, ask who you are?"

 "No," Darkseid responded, his eyes glowing red.

 Suddenly, two omega bursts emerged from his eyes....

 Then, just as suddenly, from behind the Doctor, a gob of some viscous substance went hurtling through the air to land on Darkseid's face. He staggered backwards, wiping it clear, only to hear a loud, excessively French voice shout out, "Jean de Baton! Jean de Baton!"

 A beret-wearing, oignon-carrying Frenchman leapt down from the rafters and struck Darkseid across the face with his staff. "Jean de Baton-Baton!"

 Darkseid looked over at the Frenchman. "Ah," he said. "Another superhero. You were a fool to come here alone, mortal. I am Darkseid, and this is my domain. None leave here alive, save by my will."

 "Ah, but you zee, I am naht alone." Baton-Baton snapped his fingers, and a whole group of men stepped out of the shadows. One was a massive, hulking man carrying what looked like an intact window that had been ripped out of the wall of a building. (The Defenestrator...) One was what looked to be a spastic, twitching derelict. (Shakes...) One was a hulking, red-clad man whose fists glowed with power. (Friendly Fire...) One was dressed in a shade of mucus-green, and occasionally, his throat rumbled slightly when he breathed. (Phlegm-Gem...) One...was a man...dressed in an arc-welder's outfit...holding a dog...(Dogwelder...Dogwelder?) And the last, clearly their leader, was a drunken, unwashed bum wearing a tattered orange shirt that read, 'Six-Pack.' "Zee whole of Zection Eight iz wiz me!"

 It was at this point that the Doctor decided to take cover...

 

From high above, in his private surveillance tower, Desaad watched the newcomers to Apokolips. "Fools," he said to himself. "To think that they can challenge my master, the almighty Darkseid! Still, better to be safe than sorry." He pressed a series of controls. "There," he said, with a grim smirk. "A squad of parademons has been dispatched, and I have sealed off the tower. Nobody can penetrate my inner sanctum now..."

 He felt a hand on his shoulder. From behind him, a voice said, "Bueno..."

 

Darkseid frowned. "I have never heard of this 'Zection Eight.' And how did you get to Apokolips? Travel here is not easy."

 Six-Pack stepped forward. "Friendly Fire showed us," he said, pointing to the man in red. "He said that there was evil-doing butt to kick out here, and that Section Eight was needed. So I rounded up the rest of the team--"

 "And in so doing," Friendly Fire said, "you have fallen right into my trap!" He laughed manaically, as a squad of parademons burst into the room.

 "'Trap?' What are you talking about, FF?"

 "HA! I am not your 'Friendly Fire'. I am one of Darkseid's private spies! I decided to infiltrate your team by kidnapping one of your members and precisely duplicating him. Now I have your team-mate's powers...and I will destroy you with them!" His hands glowed like a new-born star, and energy lanced out...completely obliterating the squad of parademons. "Crap!" the ersatz Friendly Fire shouted, as the Defenestrator slammed a window over his head, knocking him cold.

 After that, the melee kicked into full gear. The Doctor only looked up occasionally, but he saw more parademons enter...he saw Kalibak, Darkseid's son, screaming out, "OhMyGodThatMan'sWeldingADogToMyFAAAAACCCCCEEEE--"...he saw Darkseid himself facing off with Six-Pack, who said, "Hey, Darkseid. There's something ya left outta your anti-life equation."

 Darkseid frowned. "Really? And what might that be?"

 "This!" Six-Pack shouted, smashing him in the face with a bottle of tequila.

 Darkseid staggered back and fell. "It burns!" he shouted. "It burns!"

 

And back on Earth, Ra's Al-Ghul and his daughter, Talia, were preparing the Lazarus Pits.

 "Soon, my daughter," Ra's said, his voice filled with naked avarice. "Soon, we will restore this creature--this Mara--back to life...and through it, my dreams will finally be achieved. The dream of--" He stopped short as three hollow-point shells ripped through his chest, causing him to pitch forward onto the ground.

 Talia spun around, to see their guards dead. A man in sunglasses and a green trenchcoat stood next to the bodies. He wore a backpack, and held two pistols. One had a silencer, and was obviously what he had used to put down the guards. The other was larger, and must have been what he'd used on her father. "I do not know who you are," she said, "but you are a fool. My father is beyond life and death. The Lazarus Pits can restore his vitality, and then he will hunt you to the ends of the Earth for daring to interfere with his plans."

 "He better not," Tommy Monaghan said, holstering one of the two pistols. "There's a two mil bounty on his head that I plan on collecting. And even if there weren't--I took a look around inside his head. He's the kind of guy that the world can do without."

 Talia smirked. "You think you can just walk away with his body, and that I will not lift a finger to stop you?"

 "Nope," Tommy said, firing three more rounds into Talia's chest. He then reached into the backpack to pull out a machete, and walked over to Ra's Al-Ghul's corpse. "Like I said, there's a two mil bounty on his head." WHUNK. "I don't need the body."

 

And so it was that the Doctor stood on the threshold of his TARDIS once again, preparing to bid farewell to the brave heroes that had, once again, saved Gotham and the world from the deadliest of traps. "Thank you," he said to Six-Pack. "I don't think I'll ever look at a sonic screwdriver in the same way again, but...thank you, nonetheless."

 "Yeah, Bueno Excellente's not yer average super-guy, like me. He's got some pretty fucked-up powers. Just like that clone of Doctor Polaris I fought, the one that could induce projectile vomiting..."

 The Doctor blinked. "I see. Well, good luck with your, er, super-team..."

 Six-Pack shook his head. "The rest of the team are disbanding. After finding out that Friendly Fire was a fake, well, they all kinda lost the will to go on. We're goin' our seperate ways. It'd probably take a rampaging demon running through the streets of Gotham and surrounding a church in an effort to take out Tommy Monaghan to get us to come back together."

 The Doctor said not a word more, but stepped into the TARDIS. Well, more sort of 'ran' into the TARDIS... THE END

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