Crow: OK, the streamers would be right here over the main door, and we'd all be wearing hats...

 Tom: Yes, and the pinata would be hanging right here, too!

 Mike: Oh, hi everybody, and welcome to the Satellite of Love. I'm Mike Nelson, and today's my birthday!!!

 Crow: Yeah, and we're throwing him a party! Only, well, Frank forgot to send all the party stuff--

 Tom: So we're having Mike imagine what it would be like if the room was decorated in grand style. What do you think, Mike?

 Mike: Well, it sounds really great. I really appreciate your efforts to cheer me up and all, but...it's no use, guys. I'm still stuck up here on the Satellite, and I'm still being forced to watch cheesy movies and read cheesy fanfics, and to make things worse, despite the fact that today's my birthday, today's also one of the days that Doctor Forrester sends up fanfics, and I'll have to sit through one no matter what.

 Tom: Nice exposition, Mike.

 [A yellow light begins to flash on the console.]

 Mike: Thanks, I've been practicing. Oh, we've got commercial sign. [Presses button.]

 [A family of plastic people with Duracell batteries mounted in their backs are out at a posh restaurant. The man at the next table doesn't have a Duracell battery, and the family is openly mocking him. Finally, he's had enough. He spins around, grabs the father's battery, and rips it from his back. The father collapses into his fettucini, and they fade to black with the mother's insensate screams.]

 [Fade back to SOL. Mike is leaning forwards, head in hands, and the bots are standing on either side of him.]

 Crow: Don't worry, Mike, it's not so bad. I mean, at least you've already finished your Invention Exchange for this week, right?

 Tom: Right?

 [A red light flashes on the console. Mike hits it without even looking up.]

 [Cut to Deep 13. Doctor Forrester is wearing a party hat, as is TV's Frank, and both are sipping punch from paper cups. Behind them, Jack Perkins is swatting inefectually at a pinata in the shape of Dr. Forrester.]

 Dr. F: Ah, hello, Zippy the Pinhead...trying to have a party without me, eh? Well, I know how to nip that in the bud...heh heh heh...as you can see, we're using the party favors you wanted to have Frank send to you. I trust you've learned your lesson, Mister Nelson...now, let's swing on into the Invention Exchange. Your turn first...

 [SOL Bridge. Mike is down behind the console, and occasionally he tosses up some bizzare bit of junk or other.]

 Mike: Um, hold on...I, um--aha! [He stands up, holding a small black plastic device.] It's something I threw together a while back...I call it the Remote Finder. See, you attach it to the back of a remote control, and if you ever lose the remote, you just clap-- [he sets the device on the console, and claps. The remote makes a beeping noise.] and the remote tells you where it is!

 [Deep 13. Dr. Forrester is glaring at Mike with a menacing expression on his face, but it quickly softens into an insincere smile.] Not bad, Nelson Muntz. Well, my Invention Exchange this week capitalizes on people's inherent need for crappy novelty items. [He snaps his fingers.] Frank? Exposition needed, here.

 [Frank drops his stick, thwacking Jack Perkins over the head. He walks over to stand next to Doctor Forrester.] Well, Mike, as you're probably well aware, two of the most popular lighting devices in the 70's were the strobe light and the lava lamp. People would spend hours staring vacantly at the flowing ooze, letting mind-altering substances course through their bloodstream, and listening to sitar music. I, myself, was once a--

 Dr. F: Thank you, Frank. Yes, the lava lamp and the strobe light are popular individually...so just imagine how popular they'd be when combined! [He lifts up a lava lamp with an oversized, boxy base and sets it on the console. Sure enough, the little light bulb on the bottom is a strobe light, whose pulses cause the globs of 'lava' to ooze in slow motion.] Ta-da! The Strava Light!

 [Frank stares at the 'lava', his eyes vague and disjointed.] The walls...they're really wall-ruses! And they've got giant frogs in their hair!

 [Dr. F looks over at Frank, then back over to the camera.] Right...well, I was feeling nice today, since it is your birthday, after all, so...

 [SOL Bridge. Mike is looking up, an expression of hope on his face.]

 Mike: You're not going to send me a fanfic today?

 [Deep 13]

 Dr. F: Don't be silly, ragweed! Your fanfic today is a 'Make Money Quick' post I downloaded off the Internet. You'll be through it by lunchtime, and then...well...you can mumble mumble mumble.

 [SOL]

 Mike: Didn't quite catch that, sir?

 [Deep 13]

 Dr. F: I said, you can...take the rest of the day off. *sigh* Send him the fanfic, Frank.

 Frank: The button, man...it's out to get me. It's watching me, all the time it's watching me, keep it away, keep it away!!!!! [Frank grabs the pinata stick away from Jack Perkins, and starts to bash the console savagely. One of the whacks happens to hit the button...]

 [SOL Bridge]

 Mike: We got FANFIC SIGN!!!!!!

 [All enter theater amidst much hullaballoo...]

 Mike: Well, here we go again, guys...

 > Date: Sun, 1 Dec 1996 16:10:54 GMT
> From: simple@dove.kharkov.ua

 Tom: From simple. Yes, I think that really does say it all, doesn't it?

 > Newsgroups: alt.comics.dilbert, alt.comics.elfquest,
> alt.comics.fan-fiction, alt.comics.jack-chick
> Subject: Can you get a lot of money?!! YES!!!

 Mike: Sell all those old comics. Get a damn job and stop sponging money off of me, you stupid kids!

 > IF YOU READ ANYTHING AT ALL THIS YEAR, READ THIS!

 Tom: If you don't read anything at all this year, then how do you know I'm saying this?

 > I've been perusing usenet for a few months now

 Crow: Is that legal?

 > and I've seen these ads appear very often. I didn't think these
> things would work either but

 Tom: That was before the lobotomy.

 > I was in need of some Money

 Crow: What's the difference between money and Money?

 > and decided why not give it a try, and I'll be damned if
> it didn't work, and work well

 Mike: Yes, I made deals with Satan, and you can too!

 > ....just read this and see what you think....

 Crow: Or if you think.

 > then give it a try....
>
> IF YOU'RE NOT A DREAMER, HANG UP NOW!! IF YOU'VE GOT WHAT
> IT TAKES, PLEASE READ ON.

 Tom: I don't think I have what it takes.
Crow: Oh, come on...general lack of ethics, mathematical ineptitude, complete and fundamental lack of understanding of human nature...I think you've got exactly what it takes!
Mike: Guys...we've got to hang together here.

 > BELOW IS THE ARTICLE I RESPONDED TO WITH ONLY THE
> NECESSARY CHANGES IN THE MAILING LIST!

 Crow: I stuck all my friends' names in place of the losers that were on there!

 > Anyway, it said you send $1.00 to each of the five names
> and addresses stated in the article. You then place your own
> name and address in the article at the bottom of the list at
> #5 and post the article in at least 200 newsgroups (there are
> thousands). No catch, that was it!

 Tom: Five bucks out of your pocket, never to be seen again!

 > THIS IS THE FAIREST MOST HONEST WAY I KNOW TO SHARE
> THE WEALTH!

 Crow: You could try having trained dogs bury the dollar bills all over town.
Tom: Or scotch-tape them to a Coke bottle and drop it into the ocean.
Mike: Or just get a job.

 > Hello!

 Mike: Great. Mister Rogers, con artist.

 > Would you like to make thousands of dollars, quick, legally,
> with no CATCH?

 Mike: But how would I keep my jumpsuit zipped?

 > Then keep reading.....please take five minutes to read this
> article and it will change your life, just like it did mine. It's
> true!

 Mike: I'm in jail now for postal fraud, and you can join me!

 > You can make up to or over $50.000 dollars in four to six
> weeks, maybe sooner! I SWEAR I'M NOT LYING TO YOU AND
> THIS IS NOT A SCAM!

 Tom: Of course you do. I mean, it's not like you're really going to come right out and say, "I'M LYING TO YOU AND THIS IS A SCAM!"

 > If you're interested, keep reading, if you're not, have a
> nice day.

 Crow: Alright, let's go!

 > I was browsing around the newsgroups one day and I stumbled
> across this article.

 Tom: And I have the scars to prove it.

 > Since it had to do with making money, which I never pass on,
> I decided to give it a try and this is what it said: here we go.

 Mike: OK, so how did that help him make money?
Tom: Nothing; he's just showing off his Pavlovian response of pure, unmitigated greed to anything that promises cash with no work.
Crow: So he's demonstrating to us that he's an idiot?
Tom: Yep, pretty much.

 > A while back I was browsing through these news groups,
> just like you are now

 Crow: Subject to the whims of a mad scientist?
Tom: It must be...Joel!
Mike: Guys...Joel's not this dumb.
Crow: Oh, yeah.
Tom: I knew that.

 > and came across an article that said you could make
> thousands of dollars in weeks with only an initial investment
> of $5.00! So, I thought, "Yeah, right, must be a scam", but I
> was curious and kept on reading.
>
> Anyway, it said you send $1.00 to each of the five names
> and addresses stated in the article. You then place your own
> name and address in the article at the bottom of the list at
> #5 and post the article in at least 200 newsgroups (there are
> thousands). No catch, that was it! So, after thinking it over
> and talking to a few people first, I tried it. I figured what
> did I have to lose except for five stamps and five dollars,
> right?

 Crow: Years of freedom...
Mike: IRS audits...
Tom: Respect and human dignity...

 > (HOW MANY TIMES A MONTH DO YOU BLOW FIVE BUCKS WITH
> NOTHING TO SHOW FOR IT ANYWAY?)
>
> Well, guess what? within 7 days, I started getting money!

 Crow: Within 8 days, I started getting subopenas!

 > I was shocked!

 Tom: Clear! (makes sizzling noises)

 > I still figured it would end soon and didn't give it another
> thought. But the money kept coming IN, tripling in size and
> multiplying by 10 - 20 times the amount I got the first week!

 Tom: So you've got a dollar bill that doubles as a sleeping bag, then?

 > In my first week, I made about 30 dollars. But by the end of
> the second week, I had made a total of over $1,000!!! In the
> third week, I had over $6,000 and it's still growing. To the
> and of my fourth week I've mad about $23,000 TOTAL and the
> money is still coming in!!
>
> Not only does it work for me, it works for other folks as
> well. Markus Valppu says he made $57,883 in four weeks.

 Mike: Of course, he also claims that he can fly, and that Bill Clinton is the reincarnation of the Roman Emperor Caligula...

 > Dave Manning claims he made $53,664 in the same amount of
> time.

 Tom: He's very bitter about the whole "I'm second to Markus Valppu" thing.

 > Dan Shepstone says it was only $17,000 for him.

 Crow: Not nearly as much as the take from that jewelry heist.

 > Do I know these folks? No, but when I read how they say they
> did it, it made sense to me.

 Tom: It helped that the first part of the instructions read, "Whack yourself repeatedly with a two-by-four until you forget all the gaping logical flaws in the plan."

 > Enough sense that I'm taking a similar chance with $5 of my
> own bucks. Not a big chance, I admit

 Crow: Postal fraud and income tax evasion are little things.

 > --but one with incredible potential, because $5 is all anyone
> ever invests in this system. Period.

 Tom: And if they're lucky, they might even get that much back out.
Mike: Don't get your hopes up, Tom.

 > That's all Markus, Dave, or Dan invested, yet their $5 netted
> them tens of thousands of dollars each, in a safe, legal,
> completely legitimate way.
>
> Let me tell you how this works and more importantly, WHY it
> works,

 Crow: The gullibility of others?
Tom: The unscrupulousness of those who post this?
Mike: The inability of the Post Office to track all of these idiotic chain letters?

 > also make sure you print a copy of this article NOW so that
> you can get the information from it and begin making money.
> THE PROCESS IS VERY SIMPLE. IT CONSISTS OF THREE EASY
> STEPS!!
>
> STEP 1

 Tom: Put your right foot in.

 > Get five separate pieces of paper and write the following on
> each sheet of paper "PLEASE ADD ME ON YOUR MAILING LIST".It
> is also a good idea to put the number of the person who you
> got the article from

 Crow: I am not a number! I am a free man!

 > and also to put your name and address on the paper, not just
> on the envelope. Get five $1.00 bills and place ONE inside
> each piece of paper that you wrote on. Fold the money inside
> the paper so that nosy people cannot see it.

 Mike: Yeah, like those nosy postal employees who might wonder why you're sending all these one-dollar bills all over the place.

 > Put one paper inside each envelope and seal it up. Now, mail
> the five envelopes with the five dollars to the following five
> addresses:
>
> 1 Andery Fyodorov
> 1155 Warburton Ave.
> Apt. 3V, Yonkers, NY 10701, USA
>
> 2 Anthony James
> 1002 Palmer Dr. Apt C-16
> Murfreesboro TN, 37130, USA
>
> 3 Sergey Vasilenko
> P.O. Box 125
> 142432, Moskow Region, Chernogolovka
> Russia
>
> 4 Baeva Yuilia
> Belana St. 19-56
> 654005 Novokuznesk
> Russia
>
> 5 Bondarenko Sergey
> Apt. 104, 44-A,
> Astronomycheskaya str.,
> Kharkov-85, Ukraine
> 310085

 Crow: I'm guessing this would be a bad time to put up the Information Club address, right?

 > STEP 2

 Tom: Take your right foot out.

 > Take the #1 name off the list that you see above and move
> the other four names up (5 becoming 4, 4 becoming 3, etc.)
> and put YOUR NAME at number 5.

 Mike: OK, so how many idiots do you think actually put in "YOUR NAME" instead of their name?

 > Make sure that you put your correct mailing address,
> especially if you're from another country as some people have
> never sent mail out of the country and might not know how.

 Crow: In fact, people who respond to this sort of thing might have trouble figuring out which side of the stamp to lick.

 > You may alter this article if necessary, editing what you need
> to edit.

 Tom: Well, that's pretty much what we're doing, huh, guys?

 > STEP 3

 Tom: Put your right foot in, and then shake it all about.

 > Post your amended article to at least 200 newsgroups (I
> think there are close to 18,000 of them. How you post your
> article depends on what newsreader you are using so you
> might need to ask around for assistance.

 Crow: Feel free to tell them what you plan to send!
Mike: Yeah, they'll teach you how to accidentally reformat your hard drive.

 > Anyway, that's it! That's the three steps you need to make
> lots of money in a short period of time.

 Tom: Geologically speaking, of course.

 > You are now in the mail order business and should start
> receiving you envelopes pretty soon.

 Crow: It's actually a better way of getting into the licence-plate making business.

 > REMEMBER, THE MORE NEWSGROUPS YOU POST TO, THE MORE
> MONEY YOU WILL MAKE.
>
> LET ME TELL YOU WHY THIS SYSTEM WORKS!
> Out of every 200 postings, let's say I only receive 5 replies,
> which is actually VERY LOW. So I made five dollars with my
> name at #5.
> Now then, each person who sent me $1 makes only 200
> postings, now with your name at number 4,

 Tom: But why would they be stupid enough to send you a dollar? Why not simply alter the post and put it up themselves...in fact, they could delete all your names, and put in the names of their friends and family! They could--
Mike: You're putting too much thought into it, Tom.

 > WHICH IS A TOTAL OF 1000 POSTINGS, not including yours
> too. 50 people send you $1 now, that's $50.00 you just made.
> Now then, your new 50 agents post 200 each with your name
> at #3 or 10,000 postings (50x200). Average return is 500 at
> $1 = $500.00. They make 200 postings, which is 5,000
> returns at $1 = $5,000.00. Finally 5000 people make 200
> postings with you name at number one. YOU GET A RETURN OF
> $50,000.00 BEFORE YOUR NAME DROPS OFF THE LIST. AND
> THAT'S IF EVERYONE MAKES 200 POSTINGS ONLY AND ONLY
> FIVE PEOPLE RESPOND!!!!!!!!!!

 Crow: And that's if anyone bothers sending you money!

 > From time to time when you see your name is no longer on the
> list, you take the latest posting you can find and start all
> over again.

 Mike: So where do they think all this money comes from? The Cash Fairy?

 > The end result depends on you. You must follow through and
> repost this article everywhere you can think of.

 Tom: Inside of trash cans, down disused mining shafts, at firing ranges...

 > The more postings you make, the more cash ends up in your
> mailbox. It's too easy and too cheap to pass up!!!
>
> So thats it. Pretty simple sounding stuff, huh?

 Tom: Simple...yes, that's exactly the word I was looking for.

 > But believe me, it works. There are millions of people surfing
> the net every day, all day, all over the world. And about
> 50,000 new people get on the net every day. You know that,
> you've seen the stories in the paper.

 Mike: You haven't read them, mind you. That's a bit beyond your comprehension level. But you've seen them.

 > So, my friend, read and follow the simple instructions and
> play fair. Thats the key, and thats all there is to it. Print this
> out right now so you can refer back to this article easily. Try
> to keep an eye on all the postings you made to make sure
> everyone is playing fairly. You know where your name should
> be.

 Tom: Wallowing in shame.

 > If you're really not sure or still think this can't be for real,
> then don't do it. But please print this article and pass it along
> to someone you know who really needs the bucks, and see
> what happens.

 Crow: They deny ever knowing you again?

 > REMEMBER....HONESTY IS THE BEST POLICY.YOU DON'T
> NEED TO CHEAT THE BASIC IDEA TO MAKE THE BUCKS!

 Crow: But what if the basic idea is a cheat?

 > GOOD LUCK TO ALL, AND PLEASE PLAY FAIR AND YOU WILL
> WIN AND MAKE SOME REAL INSTANT FREE CASH!
>
> *** By the way, if you try to deceive people by posting the
> messages with your name in the list and not sending the
> bucks to the people already included, you will not get much. I
> know someone who did this and only got about $50 (and that's
> after two months).

 Tom: So wait...if you cheat the system, don't play fair, and don't send anyone else money, you still get a good $50 for every time you send the message? Boy...you sure know how to keep 'em honest, dontcha?

 > Then he sent the 5 bills, people added him to their lists, and
> in 4-5 weeks he had over $10,000!
>
> THIS WILL WORK, THE ONLY THING TO REMEMBER IS TO PLAY
> FAIR, THE SYSTEM KNOWS IF YOU'RE TRYING TO CHEAT IT AND
> YOUR RETURNS WON'T BE AS GOOD.

 Tom: The System knows all.
Crow: Obey the System.

 > PLAY FAIR, PLAY NICE AND EVERYONE MAKES A LOT OF
> MONEY!!!!!!!!

 Mike: Well, that was...really not that bad, actually! Hey, I feel pretty good here!
Crow: Yeah, let's go!

 [They leave the theater. Door sequence plays in reverse, and...]

 [SOL Bridge. Mike and the bots are wearing sunglasses and swimsuits, and using a desk lamp to give themselves impromptu tans.]

 Tom: Yep...guess you could say we've trashed the tape today, guys.

 Crow: Absolutely. We...are the epitome of cool, calm and collected.

 Mike: Sounds right to me. Pass the suntan lotion?

 Tom: Oh--one second, the Mads are calling.

 [Mike leans over and presses the button.]

 [Deep 13. Frank is lying on the floor, twitching, while Dr. Forrester prepares a huge needle for an injection, a la 'Pulp Fiction'. In the foreground, Jack Perkins is standing in front of the camera with an amiable smile on his face.]

 Jack: Ah, birthdays. Memories made for the rest of a lifetime, and touched by the pure, childlike wonder of aging another year to inevitable death. I remember when I was celebrating my birthday. Dick Cavett said--

 Dr. F: Get to the point, Perkins.

 Jack: Ah, yes. Of course, one of the most wonderful traditions of celebrations like these are, of course, birthday presents. Of course, Doctor Forrester isn't really the best at sentiment--a man of few words, that's our Doctor. He wanted me to present you with a little testimonial...a gift, if you will, to commemorate the hour of your URKH!!!

 [Perkins keels over onto the console, a hypodermic needle sticking out of his back. Dr. F is standing over him.]

 Dr. F: Yes, Mike, it's on its way up through the Umbilicus, and I...well, I hope you'll like it.

 [SOL Bridge. A big box is now sitting on the console, and Mike is hurriedly opening it.]

 Crow: What could it be? What could it be?

 Tom: A wonderful, magical, super-terrific bunch of yummy RAM chips?

 Gypsy: Richard Basehart?

 [Mike finally gets the box open, and pulls out...the Strava Lamp.]

 Mike (dully): Thank you, sir.

 [Deep 13]

 Dr. F: No problemo, Mikerino. [Looks over at Frank, and then at Jack Perkins.] Mmm...anyone know a good lawyer? [He pushes Jacks body off the console, and it hits the button.]

 PWOOSH!

 Mike, Crow, Tom Servo, Gypsy, Doctor Forrester, TV's Frank, the Satellite of Love, Deep 13, and all associated concepts are property of Best Brains, Incorporated. Jack Perkins is property of Jack Perkins. All riffs, gags, skits, and host segments for this story were written by John "Omega" Seavey. I don't actually know who wrote the original 'Make Money Fast' post I MiSTed here, but I mean every bit of mean-spirited contempt that I put into this post. Oh, and any similarities between this 'Make Money Fast' MiSTing and all the other 'Make Money Fast' MiSTings that are out there are due purely to great minds thinking alike. Filmed in Shadowramma, thanks to the First Amendment, the Teachers of America (especially my dad), keep circulating the tapes.

 > I was browsing around the newsgroups one day and I stumbled
> across this article.
> Since it had to do with making money, which I never pass on,
> I decided to give it a try and this is what it said: here we go.