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~ EIN DEUTSCHER ~
~ HINTERWAELDLER ~
OR
~ A GERMAN HILLBILLY ~
~ GOOD OLD ~
~ TUNES ~
MY FAVORITE
~ TWELVE ~
~ JOKES FROM THE COMPUTER ~
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~ GRAPHIC ~
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The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading here. That is the end of the joke. Men keep'a reading.....
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. And that explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen, either.
~ WRITTEN ~
It seems the US Federal Aviation Administration has a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane's windshield at approximately the speed the plane flies. The theory is that if the windshield doesn't crack from the carcass impact, it'll survive a real collision with a bird during flight.
It seems the British were very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, speedy locomotive they're developing. They borrowed the FAA's chicken launcher, loaded the chicken and fired. The ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, went through the engineer's chair, broke an instrument panel and embedded itself in the back wall of the engine cab.
The British were stunned and asked the FAA to recheck the test to see if everything was done correctly.
The FAA reviewed the test thoroughly and had one recommendation: " Use a thawed chicken. "
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A man was showing some friends his apartment.
One guest asked "What's that big brass basin for?"
"That's my talking clock," answered the man.
"Talking clock?" asks the guest "How does it work?"
"I'll show you" said the man. He gave it an ear shattering pound with a hammer.
Suddenly, a voice on the other side of the wall screamed, " Knock it off ! Don't you know that it's 2 a.m., you jerk ? ! "
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~ BEETHOVEN'S DEATH ~
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard.
A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery
and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was
buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen
to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable
music coming from the grave.
Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened
for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony,
being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony,
and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening,
"There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate.
He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery,
" My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven
decomposing. "
~ WHAT IF ELIAN GONZALES WERE JEWISH ? ~
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A six-year old boy was found floating in the Atlantic
Ocean today after
being set adrift from Israel on a giant matzoh. (Matzoh: Passover
cracker, i.e., unleavened bread).
The boy, Eliat Ginsburg, and his mother, set out from Israel in an
attempt to reach the Jewish Homeland, Miami. They started out
in a small boat, the S.S. Shanapunim, (Shanapunim: "pretty face")
which capsized when the American captain forgot that ocean waves
near Israel go from right to left. (Note: ALL Hebrew is written and
read from right to left) Eliat's heroic mother quickly pieced together
the matzoh-raft and put him on it, then drowned under the weight
of her gold jewelry. Her last words to her son were reported to be
"Don't marry a Shiksa. (Shiksa: "gentile girl"..considered
very bad
form :-) She'll eat your HEART out. (glug) (glug)."
Eliat was soon picked up by a passing Gefilte ("gefilte fish are
delicious fish-balls eaten with horseradish that makes your nose
run, or: "Jewish Dristan" as it is commonly referred to) fishing
boat,
and taken to Miami, after a quick nosh, (Nosh: a snack) a nice
piece cake, whatever.
There, he was turned over to the custody of his closest relatives,
his great uncle, L'Chaim Ginsburg, and his 21-year old female cousin,
M'shugena (M'shugena: CRAZY!!!) Ginsburg. He moved into their
home in a Retirement Community on a golf course.
Shortly thereafter, his father, Jacob Moses Ginsburg, who was still
in
Israel, was notified. He almost plotzed, ("plotzed: collapsed)
and was
taken to the Plotz Unit of a nearby hospital, where he was given a
chicken soup capsule and released. He then demanded to come to
the U.S. to bring his son back.
Since it was Friday night, he walked to Miami. (Note: religious Jews
do NOT ride on the Sabbath...)However, Eliat's Miami relatives
opposed the way he was being raised in Israel. They claimed that in
Israel, he had no freedom, no rights, no tennis lessons. Neighbors
gathered around the Miami relatives' house to prevent the authorities
for taking him away.
They held up signs that read "Stay away! Every one of our sons
are
lawyers and they're single, too if you happen to know a nice Jewish
girl."
Meanwhile, they plied the boy with gifts to show him how wonderful it
was in America. He was given a Video game which was promptly taken
away because it could take an eye out.
He was then given a dreydl (Dreydl: Spinning top given to children for
Chanukah) and played "Find the Afikomen" (Afikomen: a slab
of
matzos that is wrapped in a white napkin, then hidden; the children
are
turned loose [like insane cattle]..and the child who finds the hidden
treasure, is rewarded with a 3-day all-expense paid cruise to nowhere)
with his little cousins.
When the father arrived in Miami, he was greeted by federal officials
who warned him not to go to the Miami house, because it was dangerous.
He responded, "What danger? There's no danger in Miami!" The
Jewish
media pounced on this story with all it's power. Headlines read "LITTLE
BOY PLAYS OUTSIDE WITHOUT A SWEATER." Talk shows posed
questions like: "What's more important, parenthood or politics?"
"What
if an American boy was held in Israel?"
"Where can you get a nice sandwich in Miami?" "Guess
how much I
paid for this?" It was ugly. The boy's cousin, M'Shugena, became
his
primary caretaker, because she had no job , no kids, no husband and
no skills.
The situation took a toll on her. Neiman Marcus and Loehmans's called
to see why she hadn't been in. Unbeknownst to her, the federal government
was planning a secret rescue operation, known as "Operation Circumcise",
to remove the boy from the house and cut him off from his family.
Just then, it happened. To get into the area unnoticed, they arrived
in
a van cleverly disguised to look like a Chinese food delivery truck,
and
stormed the house.
Neighbors came running like a "vantz" (vantz: bed-bugs) when
they
heard the code word "traife" (traife: meaning "NOT Kosher").
Hundreds
of neighbors poured into the house in an attempt to prevent the boy
from being taken, but they were slowed down by their need to kiss the
mezuzah ("Mezuzah" is a small engraved holy scroll nailed
to the
doorway of every good Jewish home; the Orthodox kiss the scroll each
time they enter or exit) each time they entered.
But a trap was set for the agents. To slow them down, M'Shugena had
poured slippery chicken fat all over the floor. But the neighbors, armed
only with menorahs (Menorahs: the holy 8-candelabra that are lit on
Chanukah:one candle is lit for each of the 8 days), were no match for
the agents and their weapons.
The boy was taken to the waiting van, which would speed off to
re-unite him with his waiting father, after making a few more deliveries.
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~ A LAWYER AT THE GATES OF HEAVEN ~
A lawyer died and arrived at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter
asked him, "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"
The lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter
to a homeless
person on the street."
Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the records, and after
a moment Gabriel
affirmed that it was true.
Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but it's not really quite
enough to get you into
Heaven."
The Lawyer said, "Wait, wait! There's more! Three years ago, I
also gave a homeless person
a quarter."
Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who, after a moment, nodded back to affirm
that it was true.
Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest
we do with this fellow?"
Gabriel gave the lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,
"Let's give him back his
50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."
Rumor has it that:
JESUS WAS JEWISH
* He went into His father's business
* He lived at home until He was 33
* His Mother was sure He was God.
But then again, just maybe
JESUS WAS IRISH
* He never got married
* He was always telling stories
* He loved green pastures.
Or perhaps,
JESUS WAS PUERTO RICAN
* His first name was Jesus
* He was bilingual
* He was always being harassed by the authorities.
then again it is possible that
JESUS WAS ITALIAN
* He talked with his hands
* He had wine with every meal
* He worked in the building trades.
there are those who believe
JESUS WAS BLACK
* He called everybody "brother"
* He liked Gospel
* He couldn't get a fair trial.
some of us suspect that
JESUS WAS CALIFORNIAN
* He had long hair
* He walked around barefoot
* He started a new religion.
However, there is one other possibility -
MAYBE JESUS WAS A WOMAN
* He had to feed a crowd at a moments notice when there was no food
* He kept trying to get the message across to a bunch of men who just
didn't get it
* Even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was more work
for Him to do
A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up.
As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... then the reality of the situation hit him.
"What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The Deputy came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a Deputy. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."
"Have a nice weekend," said the Deputy Sheriff
~ POLITICALLY CORRECT ~
TERMS OF ENDEARMENT
Amphibian American -- frog
Aquatically-Challenged -- drowning
Biologically-Challenged -- dead
Caucasian Culturally-Disadvantaged -- white trash
Certified Astrological Consultant -- crackpot
Certified Crystal Therapist -- crackpot
Certified Past-Life Regression Hypnotist -- crackpot
Chronologically-Gifted -- old
Co-Dependent -- finger-pointer
Creatively Re-Dyed -- blonde
Differently-Organized -- messy
Differently-Brained -- stupid
Energy-Efficient -- off
Environmentally-Correct Human -- dead
Facially-Challenged -- ugly
Factually-Unencumbered -- ignorant
Financially Inept -- poor
Folically Independent -- bald
Genetically Discriminating -- racist
Grammatically-Challenged -- one who has difficulties with grammar or
(by extension)
Gravitationally-Challenged -- fat
Horizontally-Challenged -- thin
Horizontally-Gifted -- fat
In Denial -- unaware that forgetting something obviously proves it happened
In Recovery -- drunk/junkie
In the Multidimensional -- zoning
Intellectually-Impaired -- stupid
Living-Impaired -- dead
Maintenance Hole -- man-hole
Mechanically-Challenged -- broken down automobile
Metabolicly-Challenged -- dead
Microslothicly-Challenged -- Windows user
Monetarily-Challenged -- poor
Morally -Challenged -- a crook
Morally-Handicapped -- someone who has no other reason to park in a
handicapped zone.
Motivationally-Challenged -- lazy
Musically-Delayed -- tone deaf
Nasally-Disadvantaged -- really BIG nose
Nasally-Gifted -- large nose
Nitpicklike -- humor challenged
One Who is PC -- target
One Who is Not PC -- target
Ontologically-Challenged -- fictional or mythological The absolute root
of all evil known
Osmotically-Challenged -- Thirsty
Other-Aged -- too old/young (dual purpose)
Outdoor Urban Dwellers -- homeless
People of Height -- too tall
Person of Region -- redneck
Persons Living With Entropy -- dead
Persons of Large Stature -- NY Giants
Petroleum Transfer Technician -- gas station attendant
Residentially Flexible -- homeless
Romantically-Challenged -- not with somebody at the moment
Rustically-Inclined -- redneck
Sanitation Engineer -- garbage man
Sexually-Focused Chronologically-Gifted Individual -- dirty old man
Socially-Challenged -- geek or nerd
Spacially-Perplexed -- drunk
Target Equity Group -- vocal minority
Uniquely-Coordinated -- clumsy
Uniquely-Fortuned Individual on an Alternative Career Path -- loser
Vertically-Challenged -- short
Visually-Challenged -- blind
1. Get boxes of condoms & randomly put them in peoples' carts when they aren't looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at 10-minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor to the rest rooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "I think we have a code 3 in housewares," and see what happens.
5. Put some M&M's on lay away.
6. Move CAUTION WET FLOOR signs to carpet areas.
7. Set up a tent in the camping department, tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. When someone asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people leave me alone."
9. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
10. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from 'Mission Impossible.'
11. While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
12. In the auto department practice your Madonna look using different size funnels.
13. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through whisper "PICK ME! PICK ME!!!!!"
14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!"
15. Go to the fitting room and yell real loud....."Hey we're out of toilet paper in here!"
~ A APPLICATION TO LIVE ~
IN THE STATE OF MISSOURI
NAME: ___________________________________ C.B. HANDLE: ____________________ ADDRESS: (R.F.D. - H.C.R.) _________________________________________________ DADDY (If unknown, attach list of 3 suspects): _____________________________ MAMA: ______________________________________________________________________ NECK SHADE: ( ) LIGHT RED ( ) MEDIUM RED ( ) DARK RED NUMBER OF TEETH EXPOSED IN FULL GRIN: _______ UPPER: _______ LOWER: _______ MAKE OF PICKUP OWNED: _____________________ SIZE OF TIRES: ________________ NUMBER OF EMPTY BEER CANS ON FLOOR OF PICKUP: ______________________________ TRUCK EQUIPPED WITH: ( ) GUN RACK ( ) MUD FLAPS ( ) CAMPER TOP ( ) AIR HORN ( ) 8 TRACK ( ) 4 WHEEL DRIVE ( ) AMERICAN FLAG ( ) RUST ( ) FUZZ BUSTER ( ) LOAD OF WOOD ( ) HIJACK SHOCKS ( ) MUD TIRES ( ) SPITTOON ( ) RUNNING BOARDS ( ) C.B. ANTENNAS ( ) ROLL BAR BUMPER STICKERS: ( ) HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS ( ) ALMOST HEAVEN, BUCKSPORT ( ) REDMAN CHEWING TOBACCO ( ) WOOD IS WONDERFUL ( ) SAVE THE BLACK FLY ( ) DON'T LIKE MY DRIVING? CALL 1-800-*&^-#$@! ( ) ALL YOU ECOLOGICAL DUMMIES CAN FREEZE IN THE DARK FAVORITE BEVERAGE: ( ) BUSCH ( ) STAG ( ) OLD STYLE ( ) FALSTAFF ( ) BUCKHORN ( ) RED WHITE & BLUE ( ) BUDWEISER ( ) OLD MILWAUKEE FAVORITE VOCALIST: ( ) ELVIS ( ) CONWAY TWITTY ( ) LORETTA LYNN ( ) SLIM WHITMAN ( ) JOHNNY CASH ( ) WILLIE NELSON ( ) DICK CURTIS ( ) GEORGE JONES ( ) YOURSELF IN THE SHOWER FAVORITE RECREATION: ( ) SQUARE DANCING ( ) COON HUNTING ( ) FISHING WITH THE BOYS ( ) DRINKING ( ) BLUE GRASS FEST ( ) FISHING ALONE ( ) RACE TRACK ( ) FLOATING ( ) DEER HUNTING ( ) APPLE BUTTER FEST ( ) THREE WHEELING ( ) RODEO HOW MANY CARS DO YOU HAVE UP ON BLOCKS IN YOUR FRONT YARD? _________________ HOW MANY KITCHEN APPLIANCES ARE ON YOUR FRONT PORCH? ____ HOW MANY WORK? __ NUMBER OF HOUNDS: _________ TYPE: ( ) BLUE TICK ( ) BEAGLE ( ) BLACK/TAN MEMBERSHIPS: ( ) NRA ( ) VFW ( ) PTL CLUB ( ) DUCKS UNLIMITED ( ) FISH & GAME CLUB ( ) KKK ( ) WACKY WARRIORS ( ) ELKS BASEBALL CAP EMBLEM: ( ) JOHN DEERE ( ) FORD ( ) SKOAL ( ) CAT ( ) BUDWEISER ( ) CHEVY ( ) BASS PRO ARE YOU MARRIED TO ANY OF THE FOLLOWING? (Check all that apply) ( ) SISTER ( ) COUSIN ( ) COUSIN'S SISTER ( ) SOW DOES YOUR WIFE WEIGH MORE THAN YOUR PICKUP? ( ) YES ( ) NO DO YOU WEAR MOSTLY POLYESTER PANTS WITH SNAGS? ( ) YES ( ) NO DO YOU OWN ANY SHOES (NOT COUNTING BOOTS)? IF SO, HOW MANY? ______________ LENGTH OF RIGHT LEG: _________________ LENGTH OF LEFT LEG: _________________ CAN YOU SIGN YOUR NAME AND SPELL IT CORRECTLY EVERY TIME? ( ) YES ( ) NO HAVE YOU EVER HAD MORE THAN ONE BATH A WEEK? ( ) YES ( ) NO ARE YOU A REGISTERED VOTER? ________ DO YOU KNOW WHERE TO DO IT? ________ DO YOU WONDER IF YOU NEED TO FILE A TAX RETURN? ( ) YES ( ) NO DO YOU WORRY THAT YOUR HOUSE COULD BLOW AWAY IN HIGH WINDS? ( ) YES ( ) NO WHEN WAS YOUR LAST UFO SIGHTING? ___________ ELVIS SIGHTING? ___________ MEDICAL INFORMATION (DO YOU HAVE AT LEAST TWO OF THE FOLLOWING?): ( ) B.O. ( ) HEAD LICE ( ) BAD BREATH ( ) SCABIES ( ) YELLOW TEETH ( ) GREEN TEETH ( ) FLEAS ( ) RUNNY NOSE ( ) TATTOOS ( ) CROSSED EYES ( ) STUTTER SIGNATURE (ONE `X' WILL DO) ___________________________ DATED: ____________
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