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GLOOM BUSTERS
# 6
~ THE SECRETS OF ~
JOY THAT MAKES
OUR LIVES HEALTHY 
Look what I found for y'all to browse through !
* * *HUMOR & LAUGHTER* * *
ABOUT
HUMOR
NOTE: EVEN AS YOU MOVE YOUR CURSOR YOU WILL
~ WHY, EVEN US PERFECT ~
FOLKS MESS UP, HUH ?
~ CHURCH HUMOR ~
All I Ever Heard While I was Growing Up Was That " Jesus Saves ! "
So I Started Collecting And Saving Every Thing I Could, Because I Wanted To Be Like Jesus !
Then Some Evangelist Came Along And Said: " God Don't Make Any Junk. "
Well As You Can See, Junk Was All
I Ever Saved, So Now I'm Told, By My Preacher, That I
Need To Be Saved, Well O.K. Here I Am Jesus.....
Start Collecting And Saving Me
When a small country church look for a Pastor they often want :
A Preacher with the strength of an eagle,
the grace of a swan,
the gentleness of a dove,
the friendliness of a sparrow,
the eye of a hawk,
the night hours of an owl,
and when they catch such a bird,
they expect him to live on the food of a canary !
And when a Preacher finds a small country church to pastor :
He wants to get into high cotton, or get in a weaving way,
walk and prance about zion, wade into high clover,
eat high off the hog, but he finds :
Deacons that won't deak, Trustees that can't be trusted,
Board members that are bored, Ushers that won't ush,
Teachers that won't teach, and Stewards that are always in a stew !
QUESTION : Jesus, are these what is refered to as:
" a win, win situation ? "
~ YOU KNOW THAT YOUR IN ~
- You have to pass through a metal detector to get inside.
- The scripture lesson is on " Jonah the Shepherd Boy and His Ark of Many Colors. "
- The choir performs " A Mighty Fortress is Our God " ..... as a polka!
- It's over 100 degrees outside, and the trustees haven't approved turning on the air conditioning yet.
- Everyone drives a nicer car than the pastor.
- They believe that an elected official attending religious services is a violation of the separation of Church and state.
- The preacher is wearing a " David Koresh Rules ! " t-shirt.
- The sign out front says " First Church of the Gooey Death and Discount House of Worship. " ( In Del Rio, Texas ? )
- A week before Christmas the pastor announces the church will be " closed for the holidays. "
- Everyone agrees the temperature in the Sanctuary is absolutely perfect !
- You're on your way to a wedding and walk in on a funeral ( or vice versa. )
- The music director has you sing " Amazing Grace " in the round ( a-la " row-row-row your boat. " )
- Three words: Pastor Larry King.
- The pastor is out of town, but he leaves a video taped message to be shown during the worship service.
- The church picnic will be held at K.F.C. this year.
- You are a member of AARP but they ask you to attend "Children's Church."
- Every illustration the preacher uses somehow refers to "those hilarious Budweiser frogs".
- The missions budget just got cut in half, but the church treasurer just bought a " kickin' " new Harley.
- Elders Council " prayer meetings " usually break up in a fight for the remote control.
- New " Purpose-Driven " mission statement includes vague reference to jello-wrestling.
- Most frequent complaint to worship committee: " Too much Charo, not enough Elvis. "
- New head greeters: Mike Tyson and W.W.F. President Vince McMahon.
- On your second Sunday as a visitor they ask you to be their pastor.
- On the offering envelopes is printed "Please make checks payable directly to the pastor."
- The usher that meets you at the door says " Hurry on in, the show is about ready to start. "
- The announcements last 2 minutes and include the starting time of the afternoon's NASCAR Race, the sermon lasts 6 minutes, and the benediction is " Christians, start your engines. "
- The pastor wears his golf togs in the pulpit.
- The organist is Boris Karloff or appears to be his stunt double.
- The floral arrangement on the altar is in the shape of a big horseshoe... that reads " Hollywood Park. "
- The acolytes are roasting hot dogs and marshmallows over the altar candles.
- A Haz-mat team just sealed the doors and placed quarantine signs up.
- People in the last 10 pews are yelling for more pepperoni pizza with anchovies.
- Everyone is handcuffed together at the ankles before preaching starts.
- They're having a church raffle and the first prize is your house. The second prize is your car with your kids still in it.
- You get a phone call from their national telemarketer on Monday trying to sell you Bibles at discount by the case.
- You are asked to fasten your seatbelt before the service begins moving.
- You are told your offering is nice but the ushers want your wallet, watch, and wedding rings too.
- You are the only person in the sanctuary and it's 15 minutes after church is scheduled to start.
- The confessional has a coin slot and a hand lever.
- The baptismal fount has bubbling water, is large enough to hold two or three seated adults, and looks suspiciously like a jacuzi.
- The pastor search committee never disbands.
- Bill Clinton is the speaker of the day and his topic is " Morality In America - How To Be A Shining Example. "
- You have to tip the usher to get a good seat right up front...
- Four Words: Associate Pastor Don King.
- The pastor is introduced with a Johnny Carson style " Heeeeere's Sparky. "
- Just before the sermon, cups of strong black coffee are distributed along the pews.
- The minister falls asleep while delivering his own sermon.
- The ushers passing around the offering basket are wearing ski masks.
- The band for the services has a tip jar on the loudspeaker and all the songs are about money.
- They have a volunteer blood drive in the morning service - that is to be used for some vague purpose in the evening service.
- The Bible they use is the Dr. Seuss version.
- The Choir wears black leather robes.
- They have Karaoke worship time.
- The sanctuary has only entrances, no " exits ! "
- The ushers look mysteriously like " Men in Black !" ( Yes, with sunglasses )
- The offering plate has been passed three times and the sermon hasn't even begun yet.
- The people in the pew next to you brought a sack lunch.
- The acolyte is the youngest member of the congregation, and she is 76.
- The pastor's sermon begins: " Let me tell you about my book..... "
- The music minister announces that the liturgy will be sung to the tune of " Wagner's Etude in F sharp minor " and raises his baton.
- When the choir sings, the dogs outside begin to howl, and are closer to being in tune.
- New member candidates are required to submit W-2's for the last 5 years.
- The media refers to the church facilities as a " compound. "
- You discover the church refers to the 10 commandments as the 10 suggestions or offers to let you " pick any six. "
- The Pastor preaches an eloquent sermon on ancient heresies and the elders want to make them part of the doctrinal statement.
- The New Member's kit includes a certificate of membership, a Bible, church-by-laws, and an ak-7 assault rifle.
- You're the only person in the congregation who is carrying a Bible, including the preacher.
- The Ushers ask " Smoking or non-smoking ? "
- The regular pastoral retreats almost always seem to be in either Las Vegas or Atlantic City.
- The Church bus has a gun rack.
- There's an A.T.M. machine in the vestibule.
- Members of the Women's quartet are all married to the pastor.
-And the number one sign that you're in the wrong church..... They have open Communion.....but there is a two-drink minimum.
Therefore in order to gain admittance, a prospective Heavenly Soul must answer three questions.
1. Name two days of the week that begin with
"T".
2. How many seconds are in a year ?
3. What is God's first name ?
Clarence thought for a few minutes and answered:
1. The two days of the week that begin with
"T"
are Today and Tomorrow."
2. There are 12 seconds in a year."
3. God has two first names and they are Andy and
Howard."
Saint Peter said, "OK I'll buy Today and Tomorrow, even though it's not the answer I expected, your answer is correct. But how did you get 12 seconds in a year and why did you ever think that God's first name was either Andy or Howard ?"
Clarence responded, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, etc......"
"OK, I give" said Saint Peter, "but what about the God's first name stuff ?"
Clarence said "Well, from the song... Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am his own.....? And the prayer..... " Our Father who art in Heaven Howard be thy name....""
Saint Peter let him in without further ado.
~ IF BIBLICAL HEADLINES WERE ~
On Red Sea crossing:
WETLANDS TRAMPLED IN LABOR STRIKE !
Pursuing Environmentalists Killed.
On David vs. Goliath:
HATE CRIME KILLS BELOVED CHAMPION !
Psychologist Questions Influence of Rock ?
On Elijah on Mt. Carmel:
FIRE SENDS RELIGIOUS RIGHT EXTREMIST INTO FRENZY !
400 Killed.
On the birth of Christ:
HOTELS FULL, ANIMALS LEFT HOMELESS !
Animal Rights Activists Enraged by Insensitive Couple taking room for child in the manger.
On feeding the 5,000:
PREACHER STEALS CHILD'S LUNCH !
Disciples Mystified Over Precher's Behavior.
On healing the 10 lepers:
LOCAL DOCTOR'S PRACTICE RUINED !
"Faith Healer" Causes Bankruptcy.
On healing of the Gadarene demoniac:
MADMAN'S FRIEND CAUSES STAMPEDE !
Local Farmer's Investment Lost.
On raising Lazarus from the dead:
FUNDAMENTALIST PREACHER RAISES A STINK !
Will Reading to be Delayed to later date.
~ YOU KNOW THAT YOU ARE ~
-You pronounce " sin " with two syllables.
-Your daughter's beehive hairdo matches your wife's.
-You think Jesus is liberal.
-You enjoy talking to people in King James English.
-You know God on a first name basis.
-You have your application in for the Trinity.
-You are building your own pulpit for your living room.
-You think hair tonic is Biblical.
-You think dancing is a form of artificial insemination.
-You find June Cleaver attractive.
-You believe Moses could have shaved.
-You have a portrait of Sodom and Gommorrah the day after it was nuked.
-You pronounce it " Bab-tist. "
-You still think Jimmy Swaggert wasn't so bad till he got caught up with those " wimmin " folk.
-You think "dike" is a big wall in Holland.
-You insist on using "gay" to describe your night out with the boys.
-You know the three greek words for love.
-You scrawl Bible verses on the bathroom walls at Stuckeys.
-You thought Naked Gun was a Clint Eastwood movie.
-You thought Back to the Future was a movie about Biblical Prophecy
-You called your teacher " the Beast " as a child.
-You barbecue ribs and invite your Muslim friends over for dinner.
-You've ever attended a book burning.
-You built your own ark model.
-You pointed out all the errors in Jurassic Park according to Genesis.
-You think Monopoly teaches greed.
-You store tracts in your cellular phone carrying case.
-You are one of those idiots who insist on bringing up religion on the airplane by saying, " Gee, if this plane were to crash, would you go to heaven ? "
-You support Hare Krishna's in the airport because it means your denomination can have a booth across the hall.
-You can trace Saddam Hussein's genealogy to Nebuchaddnezzar.
-You think Mormon's are mistaken but they sure do dress nice.
-You think genuflect is a type of mirror.
-You wonder why the Dali Lama worships those funny goat-like sheep.
-You wish you could preach like Louis Farrakhan.
-You can prove that unscrambling " Santa" is "Satan. "
-You know that Jesus was born in April but probably would have liked a tree anyway.
-You exchange any currency that has three 6's in a row.
-You think credit cards are a tool of the devil to identify you to the Anti-Christ.
-You think that bar codes are demonic.
-You enjoy shopping at Wal Mart.
-You sneak a peek at Madonna's Album covers and claim you're doing research.
-You take national geographic and draw bikini's on all the naked people.
-You think People Magazine is pornography.
-You think the band K.I.S.S. means Knights in Satan's Service.
-You found back masking on Amy Grant's albums that chant.
- You think that Gregorian Chants are a tool of the devil
-You think laughter is a tool of the devil.
-You think that tools are tools of the devil.
-you think that tools are devils.
-You buy everything at Sears.
-You think the J. C. Penny catalog is pretty snappy.
-You think Victoria's Secret is an Illuminati conspiracy.
-You know the writing on the statue of liberty's tablet was put there by a Mason.
-You have a chart of the hidden symbols of the dollar bill.
-You think Pat Robertson was okay till he ran for president.
-You think Jerry Falwell is liberal.
-You think Mother Theresa is stocking away all her money and getting away on wild weekends at Cannes.
-You say " Darn. "
-You have all of your radio buttons tuned into religious stations.
-You enjoy Muzak.
-Your idea of a hot weekend is to attend an anti-Catholic seminar.
-If you've ever helped in a baptism and you thought they should stay under water longer.
-You won't wear a robe even in the bathroom.
-You won't wear colored underwear.
-You think Phyllis Schafly is sexy.
-You think the guy with the hair and John 3:16 sign at golf tournaments is liberal.
-You think the N.E.A. is a tool of the devil.
-You won't go to a museum because they have pictures of nakked " wimmin " folk.
-You won't go to a park because they have statues of nakked " wimmin " folk.
-You won't go in your bathroom because your wife sometimes is nakked.
-You don't have children because it means you and your wife would have to get nakked. . .a little.
-A modem is a tool of the devil.
-You think Deviled ham is a conspiracy of the Illumnati.
-You like Spam.
-You think Stuckey's is a great american institution.
-You think Bingo was a pretty good game until them Catholics took it over.
-You think, " I wouldn't be caught dead gambling, " as you purchase your lottery ticket as an investment.
-You think Bill Clinton is the Devil.
-You think Hillary Clinton is the Devil.
-You call Israel the Holy Land.
-You enjoy using flannel art.
-You think Charlton Heston was great in the Ten Commandments. . .but you repent of watching it because movies are a tool of the devil.
-You pronounce " repent " as " rheeeee- paint. "
-You say A-men more than once an hour.
-You pray so long your food gets cold.
-You think Doctors are a tool of the devil.
-You think teachers are a tool of the devil.
-You think science is a tool of the devil.
-You think Pat Buchanan is misunderstood.
-You think Burt Reynolds was great in Smoky and the Bandit. . .but you repent of watching it because movies are a tool of the devil.
-You sit still in your living room on Sundays so God won't get pissed off at you because you are working on the Lord's day.
-You have a fish on the back of your car, your boat, your bicycle and your briefcase.
-Your wife puts a scripture tract in your lunch.
-You become an Amway dealer to evangelise in disguise.
-You like being an Amway dealer.
-You think A.A. is liberal.
-You think Aids are those little chocolate candies to lose weight.
-You have your name stamped on all your Bibles.
-You have more than 10 Bibles.
-You think that Catholics actually pray to little plaster statues.
- You think underneath the Pope's skull cap is the mark of the beast.
-You have evidence " They " are rebuilding the temple in Jerusalem.
- You name your children after the apostles.
- You name your child Ichabod, Shalmaneser, Jeremiah or Ezekiel.
- You have a Bible Cover that looks like a doily.
- You like all that country living paraphenalia crap.
- You preach against gossip but you thumb through the National enquirer at the
check-out line.
-You wonder just who is this Jenny McCarthy.
-You won't own a credit card because " they " might use to give you a " mark of the
beast. "
-You rail against Catholics for statues but wear a cross around your own neck.
-You always bring bean cassarole to a church pot-luck.
~ YOU KNOW THAT YOU'VE ~
- You answer the door before people knock.
- Juan Valdez has named his donkey after you.
- You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
- You spend your vacations visiting "Maxwell House"
- You ski uphill.
- You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
- You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.
- You speed walk in your sleep.
- The Nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
- You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
- You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
- You sleep with your eyes open.
- You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
- You're the employee of the month at the local coffee house and you don't even work there.
- You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
- The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
- Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
- Instant coffee takes too long.
- You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
- You help your dog chase its tail.
- You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.
- Your first-aid kit contains 2-pints of coffee with an I-V hookup.
- You short out motion detectors.
- You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
- You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."
- You lick your coffee pot clean.
- Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
- You chew on other people's fingernails.
- All your kids are named "Joe"
- Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low"
- You buy 1/2 and 1/2 by the barrel.
- You can jump-start your car without cables.
- You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
- You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
- Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
- You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
- When you find a penny, you say, "Find a penny, pick it up. Sixty-three more, I'll have a cup."
- When someone asks, "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
- Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
- You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
- You named your cats "Cream" and "Sugar"
- Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
- Your 3 favorite things in life are: coffee before, coffee during and coffee after.
- You can't even remember your second cup.
- You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
- Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.
- You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
One theory is that Jesus would cruise around in an old Plymouth because " the Bible says God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury. "
But in Psalms 83, the Almighty clearly owns a Pontiac and a Geo. The passage urges the Lord to " pursue your enemies with your Tempest and terrify them with your Storm. "
Perhaps God favors Dodge pickup trucks, because Moses' followers are warned not to go up a mountain " until the Ram's horn sounds a long blast. "
Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a Honda but didn't like to talk about it. As proof, they cite a verse in St.John's gospel where Christ tells the crowd, " For I did not speak of my own Accord....."
Meanwhile, Moses rode an old British motorcycle, as evidenced by a Bible passage declaring that " the roar of Moses' Triumph is heard in the hills. "
Joshua drove a Triumph sports car with a hole in its muffler: " Joshua's Triumph was heard throughout the land. "
And, following the Master's lead, the Apostles car pooled in a Honda... " The Apostles were in one Accord. " !!!!
Written By Roy Rivenburg, Copyright 2000
Used With His Kind Permission
http://www.offkilter.org/jesusdmv.html
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~ THE BILL GATE'S THEORY ~
~ THIS IS NO LAUGHING MATTER ~
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