Part Four: “God.” “God?” “God.” or “Um, help?”
“Great opener guys, they love it!” Sarah said, after coming down from the booth. “Everyone I’ve talked to so far absolutely adores it!”
Everyone, except Maggs, glared at her.
“No, seriously! They think it’s some sort of comedy gig or something! Keep it up!” She said, and then walked off to join her sister at the concession table.
“I’m so sorry I kissed you, but I just had to in the heat of the moment,” Seifer cracked to Dani.
Dani just looked at him for a minute, then half smiled and practically burst into tears, “You’re right, I’m so sorry, I’ve been so horrible this whole time, I don’t know what’s come over me, will you ever forgive me?”
Seifer hugged her. “I suppose.”
Dani looked at the whole group. “I love you guys!” She exclaimed, still close to tears.
“Group hug!” Rosie yelled. She then turned to Space Cowboy and yelled, “Not you!” The group hug commenced without the Space Cowboy.
Sarah and Maggie finished selling concessions and walked back in.
“Awwwww…” Sarah said.
“We love you too!” Maggie squealed, “Just so long as you keep up the good work.”
Everyone glared at her.
“What are you glaring at me for? It’s not like we have a choice at this point!” Maggie exclaimed.
Tobias sighed. “She’s right.”
“So we’re still acting like we’re at each other’s throats?” Raven asked.
“I guess so,” Max said.
“Think we can pull it off?” D’art asked.
Everyone glared at Rosie. “No problem.” Rosie smiled sweetly and placed the chainsaw back on the prop table.
The lights flashed. “Okay, here we go, guys!” Sarah said.
The children sang the goat yodel song while trying to avoid the blindfolded D’art. Rosie then went up, took the blindfold off, and the children continued to sing playfully.
“Wait a minute, wait a minute, sing seriously now…” Suddenly, a little yellow thing fell down into his hands. He looked at the creature curiously. “What the heck is a Pikachu doing here?”
The Pikachu glared at D’art and started rambling in Pikachese. Dani ran out on stage, dropped her luggage, and started to translate for the little being.
“It says that this is a stick-up. One wrong move and it’ll barbecue the entire house,” she said.
At the sound of those words, D’art dropped the Pikachu and it let out a huge roar. “PiiiiikaaaaaaCHU!!!!” It exclaimed as the whole house filled with lightning and knocked out Sarah’s precious stage lights and the dear, sweet, darling spotlight. She turned on the house lights, and Maggs yelled, “Dani, get the kids, SING!”
Dani quickly organized the children and they belted out “This Land Is Your Land” in honor of D’art, who was slightly crispy around the edges. While this was going on, Maggie and Sarah went through the entire lighting system in hopes of getting it to work again. They succeeded…except for the spotlight. The spotlight would be honored at a later date, they decided, but until then, they skipped to the next scene.
Seifer, Tča, and D’art were talking around a patio table. D’art got a phone call and had to go offstage, leaving Seifer and Tča alone.
“You know, darling, things have been so much better ever since that nanny of yours left. After we get married, we can just ship those little brats of your off to Timbuktu, and then we won’t have any distractions…” She said, running a gloved finger up Seifer’s arm.
Seifer picked Tča’s hand, put it on the table, and gently moved the ladyfingers away from her. “I don’t exactly think that you need these.”
Tča, fuming, stood up and threw her napkin on the table. “That’s it! I give up! This marriage would never work, you heartless male chauvinist pig!”
Seifer shrugged and leaned back. “I’m not going to disagree.”
Tča didn’t even think that merited a response, and started to storm offstage when Dani came on. As they were about to pass each other, they paused and looked at each other curiously before shaking their heads and continuing. It was then that the audience realized the similarity between them.
“You know, that girlfriend of your is a real witch,” Dani commented.
“Tell me about it,” Seifer said, rolling his eyes.
“Well, for one…”
“It was a rhetorical statement,” he added, cutting her off.
“Did you dump her?” She asked.
“I found someone better,” he said a bit softer, taking her hands.
The music started and it was time for the next duet.
“Perhaps I has a wicked childhood…” Dani started singing
“Duh,” Seifer interrupted.
Dani shot him a look, but continued anyway. “Perhaps
I had a miserable youth
But somewhere in my wicked, miserable past
There must’ve been a moment of…”
Seifer realized that he had to do something to screw the love scene up, and then realized that it was his time to shine. He made a loud farting noise that covered up the last line of the verse, and then took over.
“For here you are, standing here, bitching at me
And once the damage is done
Then you’ll never know what I really think of you
But now it’s time for me to run!”
Dani grabbed him viciously by the collar, pulled him into an embrace, and looked at him lovingly.
“Nothing comes from nothing
Nothing’s ever wrong
But if you run away from me
Little” She made her fingers an inch apart, “Willie’s” she pointed at his crotch, “gone.” She ran her finger across his throat. All males in audience winced with Seifer as the music went “dun dun!”. Seifer cleared his throat and prepared a response.
“For here you are, standing there, threatening me
All the cards you possess
But somewhere in your youth” he sang, then spoke, “and today!”
He plugged his nose. “You have really stinky PMS!”
Seifer tried to run offstage, but Dani grabbed him by the arm, swung him around, and decked him.
“Why you little…” Seifer charged her, Dani stepped backwards and fell off the terrace. Seifer stopped and looked over the terrace railing at Dani, for he hadn’t meant to do that.
Dani was lying flat as a board on the stage. Suddenly, it was alike and invisible hand picked her up and brought her to her feet in one swift movement. The audience gasped and “ooooo”ed. Dani opened her eyes, and they were glowing bright red. She glared at Seifer.
Seifer cheated to the audience and squeaked, “Um, help?”
Seifer then jumped off the terrace, opposite to where Dani was of course, and started to run offstage, but a chair slid onstage and ran into him. He flipped over it and landed standing up, glaring at Dani, who was right next to him. She put her hands on his shoulders and shook her head like she was scolding a little boy. Maggie slammed the curtains closed.
Sarah, from the light booth, turned on the blue lights backstage, and shined a pretty, makeshift spotlight dead center. “Maggie, NOW!” Sarah screamed.
Maggie obediently jumped onstage and preformed over the moon, while sounds of pain and suffering were heard behind the curtain.
“Come on sir, moo with me!” Maggie exclaimed.
“DAMN YOU SEIFER!” Dani screamed from behind the curtain.
The audience giggled. A random stranger said, “Boy, she knows how to curse!”
The children walked onstage slowly, carrying flowers and snickering slightly. They formed a line next to Raven.
“I’m not going on like this!” Dani yelled backstage.
“The show must go on!” Maggie exclaimed.
“Screw you!” Dani exclaimed, and then walked onstage very slowly, as Seifer came out from the other side. The audience roared in laughter at their appearance.
Seifer was limping once again, had a very black eye, and a split lip. He didn’t even bother to put his coat or hat on, his tie remained untied, and a few drops of blood were found on the front, and a shoe-print was on the back of his shirt. Dani had her arm in a sling, a large red mark on one cheek, a bloody nose, and one shoe off, one shoe on. Her hair was frazzled and wedding dress wasn’t Velcroed properly. They linked arms and bowed before Raven, who blessed them. They stood and faced each other again. Seifer grabbed her and kissed her passionately. When he let go, she decked him again. He held his cheek and cheated to the audience, “I was expecting a left.” Dani rolled her eyes, grabbed his arm, and pulled him offstage.
The audience roared.
The children were laying around on stage, when Dani and Seifer walked on carrying packages.
“You’re home! Ooooo…presents…” Tobias exclaimed gleefully.
Dani nodded. “There’s one for everyone.” Seifer clapped and the children got in line. He clapped once and Rosie stepped out. She received a new chainsaw blade. She squealed in delight and ran off to play. Seifer clapped twice and Tobias stepped out. He received a computer graphics program. He too ran off to play. Seifer clapped EW times. Ari stepped out. Ari got a bottle of little green pills. She sulked, and walked off. Seifer clapped four times. Ratboy stepped out. He received a mousetrap so he could try something new and different. Everyone looked at Dani and giggled as he ran off. Dani glared at the children. Seifer clapped five times. Ami stepped out. She got the pikachu that almost ruined the performance before. She “chaaa”ed and skipped off merrily. Seifer clapped six times. Missy stepped out. She got her cerulean blue parasol. She opened it and danced offstage. Finally, Seifer clapped seven times and Samantha stepped out. Dani handed her a little Toaster for good luck. She smiled cutely and sat down on stage to play with it.
Just then, D’art walked in. “I really need your children to sing at the festival on Thursday night. They’re already in the program and everything and it’s too expensive to re-print them.”
“The Von Trapp children don’t sing,” he stated firmly.
“The Von Crap children don’t sing MY ASS!” D’art roared.
“Why you little rotten – ” Dani was cut off by Seifer’s hand over her mouth. Dani sneezed blood on his hand. Seifer pulled his hand away quickly.
“Ewww…I’m going to go clean up,” he said and walked off. Just then, Max walked on stage.
“I need to speak to Captain Von Trapp,” he said stately.
“Oh, I’m sorry, he’s not home right now, can I take a message?” Dani smiled sweetly at him.
“I’m sorry, but I need to give this to him directly,” he stated.
“Well, sit down, it may be a while,” Dani said.
Max shrugged and walked over to the edge of the stage where Samantha was sitting, playing with her Toaster. He sat down by her, his legs hanging off the stage. “What do you have there, sweetheart?”
Samantha looked up at him innocently. “God,” she said.
Max looked puzzled. “God?”
Samantha nodded. “God.”
Just then, Seifer walked in, and Max jumped up to give him a message. Unfortunately, as he jumped up, his microphone fell down into his pants and he squeaked instead of saying his lines. He just handed the telegram to Seifer and, looking embarrassed, managed to squeak, “I’ll be right back.”
D’art stepped back up to Seifer and Dani. “So, are you going to let them sing in the concert?”
They just looked at him. “No,” they said in unison.
Then Max poked his head back out. “Oh, by the way, we’ll need you in the port as soon as possible unless you have a prior commitment.”
Dani and Seifer exchanged a look. “We’ll be there.” They said to D’art.
“Sol, do!” The children and Dani finished singing. The audience clapped.
Seifer took the guitar from Dani and sat down, the children and her forming two lines beside him, waiting for him to sing. He cleared his throat, strummed the guitar, and started to sing.
“…bless my homeland forever.” As he sang that last line, Dani literally burst into tears. “I’m so sorry I’ve been so horrible to you darling!”
Seifer hugged her. “It’s alright, poopy-doo.”
She returned the hug and he winced. “Ow.”
“Sorry.”
D’art stepped out. “And now, for the Von Trapp family’s finale.” The audience cheered.
“There’s a strange sort of – ”
Missy popped out. “Cuk-coo!” She exclaimed.
“Missy, not now!” Ami exclaimed.
“Oops.” She said, and ducked back inside.
The rest of the song went smoothly and they all managed to escape to the graveyard successfully.
Dani and Seifer huddled with the children in the dark, cold graveyard scene. Suddenly, a beam of light that wasn’t directed by Sarah came into view and landed on the group, making some of the wince.
“Captain!” The Space Cowboy called, after shining the light on the group.
Seifer got up and started walking toward him, but Rosie dashed from her seat and stopped him. “Let me handle this, Daddy.” She said as she pulled out her chainsaw, complete with a shiny new blade and revved it. She ran at the Space Cowboy with a war scream and the sounds of him being hacked to bits came from offstage. The audience roared with laughter. Rosie walked back in, smiling.
Just then, Max walked into the scene. “What’s going on here?” He asked, before seeing the Von Trapp family. He started to pull his gun out, but Rosie revved the chainsaw again and smiled. “You saw nothing.” She said. Max winced and ran away screaming, “They’re not here! They’re not here!”
The audience practically died from laughing so much.
Raven walked onstage laughing, “Nice one Rosie…errr…Lisel.”
Seifer beamed and put his arm around Rosie. “I raised such good kids.” Dani snickered and Seifer shot her a look.
“Yeah, well now that you’re on the most wanted list, you should probably climb up that mountain over there and jump off…to land in Switzerland, of course,” Raven said.
“Why do we want to do that?” Tobias asked.
“Two reasons. One, to get away from them,” she pointed at the Space Cowboy’s body, “and two, I’ll get to sing a really cool song!”
“Can we skip the song, I’m tired of singing,” Ami complained.
Raven sighed. “Fine, go on get out of here, shoo, good-bye!” She waved them all offstage, and then turned to the audience. “Okay, that’s it, the freak show’s over, go home.” Raven said, then Sarah shut the lights off and the curtain fell. The audience applauded loudly.
“Curtain call!” Maggie exclaimed.
The curtain opened again, and Max and the Space Cowboy ran out, saluted the audience, and then stepped back. D’art, Tča, and Raven linked arms and skipped out merrily, bowed, and stepped back as well. Then the children ran out from all directions, ran around bumping into each other, and finally formed a line, bowed, and stepped back. Finally, Seifer came out carrying and kicking and screaming Dani. The audience laughed. Seifer smiled and bowed, dropping Dani in the process. She picked herself up and was about to bow, when Maggie ran out, pushed her down, and bowed. Sarah swung down from the light booth on an old wire, and jump onto stage, also pushing Dani down, taking a bow with her sister. Finally, Dani pushed herself up again and bowed. There was a standing ovation. Everyone ran offstage.
“That was great guys! Now you only have to do it for EW more nights!” Maggie exclaimed.
The whole cast groaned.
“Come on, you have to at least go out and meet you fans,” Sarah said.
Everyone sighed, but trooped out on stage again.
Karrie Duchovny came up to the cast and yelled, “You rock my shit man!” then promptly skipped out the with rest of her family.
A mother walked by with a small child. She continued to cover the child’s eyes until they were safely out of the theatre.
A typical geek came up to Seifer and said, “Man, that was awesome! Where did you guys learn to stage fight like that? And who did your makeup?” The geek poked at Seifer’s black eye and he winced. “Ow…” Seifer said, covering the eye and glaring at Dani with the other one. The geek looked surprised, and then said, “I admire your courage for putting up with that witch.” He added, then promptly ran off before Dani could do anything.
A cheerleader walked up to Tča. “How did you manage to get your boobs so even? Mine are always crooked, is there some sort of trick to it?” She asked in her peppy little voice. Maggie and Sarah cracked up at this and Tča just flushed and whispered something about how duct tape makes everything better to the cheerleader. The girl nodded her blonde head and said, “Okay, thanks!” and walked off.
A group of people swarmed Rosie, asking if she had been a mass murderer in her past life. Rosie just smiled evilly and revved the chainsaw again, scaring them all away.
“Hey, how did they make your eyes glow red? That was coolest special effect I’ve ever seen!” a random techie from another school asked Dani. Dani just smiled at him and made her eyes glow red again. “What, you mean this?” She asked. He nodded, looking very interested. “Who said it was a special effect?” She asked too innocently. This freaked him out and he ran from the auditorium screaming.
“Who wrote the script? That’s got to be the best parody I’ve ever seen!” A guy who looked like a reporter asked. Everyone looked at Dani, who looked sheepish. “Um, I guess that was my fault. Oops?”
“How do you cast a circle of protection?” A little girl asked Tobias. He took some brown sugar out of his pocket and spun around EW times, dropping the sugar as he did. “That’s how.” He smiled.
Everyone was kept very busy answering questions, when all of the sudden a horrible thought struck Ami. “Holy Toast, where’s Ratboy and my Pikachu?!” She exclaimed in panic.
Everyone froze. Suddenly a loud “PiiiiikaaaaaaCHU!!!!” sound was heard, and a scream. The air was filled with lightning and Tobias was the only one who was totally unscathed from it, because he had just as a circle. He smiled as everyone else picked themselves up out of their “duck and cover” positions. A little yellow animal scurried out from backstage and into Ami’s arms, and she began cooing at it as Ratboy walked jerkily back onstage, a mousetrap on his finger and sparking with yellow lightning. Seifer sighed. “I knew the mouse trap was going to be a bad idea…” He said.
And then it was over. Everyone changed out of their costumes, wiped off their seventeen layers of stage makeup, and went home to sleep. It was going to be a long EW nights…
The End.
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