He was alone outside in the snow and he looked so lonely and sad. My breath was clouding up the window, making it hard to see. I wanted to watch him. I felt afraid for some reason, as if this were my last chance to tell him everything.

I stepped outside and immediately felt the wind biting into my skin. I had foolishly forgotten a coat, but I had to be there with him. I had to tell him soon.

I stood a little behind him, shivering, but trying not to let it show. I said nothing, but I knew that he knew I was there, despite the fact that he didn't even turn to me. I wanted to go to him, to touch him, to maybe even give him a hug, but my fear was there behind my eyes and I found myself unable to move, except to shiver where I was.

A long moment passed, the falling snow finding places to land on me and freeze me where I didn't know snow could reach. My shivering was increasing, and yet I could not force myself back inside. I could hear the brush of the snow as it drifted from the sky and my own breathing and everything else was silent.

Suddenly he was beside me and a warm, strong arm slid around my shoulders, pulling me to him. The sudden heat that met my body where I touched him was surprising. He was so warm... I was stunned for a moment, wondering if he had read my thoughts. But I was sure he had seen how cold I was. He was so kind.

But I felt that I had to tell him. I rested my head against him, against his side, and shut my eyes, praying he wouldn't take offense at me. I couldn't risk too much, but I wanted to touch him, to feel safe against him. I needed him, even if I couldn't tell him.

But I'd tell him tonight.

I suddenly felt something warm and gentle against my head... his cheek was resting of the top of it. He was so warm... so gentle... I noticed I had mostly stopped shivering with him against me. Yes, it would be tonight that I would tell him.

"Tasuki! Nuriko!" broke Tamahome's cheerful voice through the still night air, and he pulled away from me. I gave him a little smile, masking the sadness in my eyes, then gave another to Tama, and disappeared into the inn quickly. I wouldn't let him see my tears.

I was walking quickly down the hall when I felt a hand grab my arm. I was pulled to a halt and turned to face the intruder. Eyes like fire shone at me in the near dark and I just met them with mine silently.

He was upset. "Nuriko, we gotta talk." He lowered his hand from my arm suddenly, as if I had started to burn him.

I bit my lip. It would be tonight. It had to be. "Hai," I said quietly. "Let's go to my room."

He nodded, still not looking at me, and I turned. My feet padded quietly along the hallway towards my assigned chambers, leaving wet spots where I had stepped. I took a deep breath and opened the door.

He followed silently, his feet making no noise at all, seeming very much like the wolf from which his nickname was derived. He was upset, tense, and I could sense this. I let him in and then shut the door behind him.

He sat himself on my bed, gazing at the floor. He looked so young. It had to be tonight that I told him. I felt like I was going to lose him soon.

I slowly sat beside him, not too close, but not so far that I could not touch him. I studied him silently a moment.

"Tasuki..." I began, but he cut me off.

"Nuriko," he said, his voice very controlled, rigid, and he raised his deep eyes to me, "this is very important to me... so please don't laugh."

I blinked, confused. Whatever had happened to my confession? I was thrown off-guard and all I could do was look at him blankly.

He slowly reached out and took my hand, not meeting my eyes. I still could only stare. "Tasuki...?"

His eyes raised to mine. "Nuriko... I..." He stopped, his voice tight, thick.

I took my other hand and placed it over his, silent, gazing into his eyes. He looked so shy, frightened almost. I needed to fix it. I needed to replace that fear with happiness. And so I leaned forward and kissed him lightly on the lips.

He pulled away quickly, his eyes wide, looking at me in shock. "N-Nuriko...?"

I froze. No... I had read him wrong. That hadn't been what he had wanted. Oh, gods, what had I done? That was not the way to tell him I loved him! "Gomen nasai!" I pulled away backwards, shocked and ashamed at my own behavior. He would be furious at me now.

But no... I watched as he slowly lifted a hand to his lips, looking at me with something that strongly resembled wonder. He was silent, just touching them with a single finger, awed.

My face fell. Had I taken his first kiss too? I stood up, angry at myself, wishing that I had never made the oath to tell him my feelings tonight, or ever. I moved to leave, anything to get away from his stunned face.

A gentle hand reached out and touched mine. "Nuriko..." Just the way my name fell from his lips reminded me of spring rain in the forest, the soft way he spoke it. I stopped, unable to leave, hearing the quiet plea in his voice.

I slowly turned my eyes back to him. "Gomen nasai," I said, my voice low. I was watching his feet, not his eyes. I couldn't meet his eyes now.

The grip he had on my hand tightened slightly and he rose. I was now watching his boots as he stood in front of me. Shame burned at the back of my throat.

"My first kiss," he said in quiet wonder and I winced inwardly. Gomen, gomen, I whispered silently to him, begging him to forgive me. He was silent a moment. "Nuriko... please look at me."

I raised my face to him, but did not meet his eyes. I was a thief of innocence, his innocence. His first kiss...

He leaned down and kissed me gently on the lips, lasting barely longer than my kiss had, because I, like him, pulled away quickly in shock. What was he doing??

Now I met his eyes, for some reason feeling slightly betrayed. "Tasuki?"

He was silent a moment, watching me. "Suma, Nuriko. But something's going to happen soon. I can feel it." He lowered his eyes. "I had to tell you before it happened, before..." He stopped suddenly, his body taut.

I took a small step toward him. So he had felt it too? Interesting. Perhaps it only concerned us, for certainly the moods of the others had not been too affected. I took another step. "Tell me what, Tasuki?"

He watched me, gazing into my eyes for a long moment before he spoke. When he did, his voice was soft, quiet, filled with longing. "Nuriko... I love you..."

I froze, staring at him,  and then hurriedly lowered my eyes, needing to breathe. He loved me... it couldn't be true... it was impossible... No one had ever loved me back... I had loved him for so long, it seemed, and he... he... I felt my eyes tearing up again. It was all a dream. This couldn't be true.

His shy voice broke through my thoughts, afraid. "Nuriko?"

I turned my eyes back up to him, stunned. "Tasuki..." What else could I say? It couldn't be real. I was not destined for love.

He watched me still, and then his face suddenly looked away. "Oh, shit..."

It was wrong, it was wrong... I was supposed to tell him how I felt and then he'd reject me, just as everyone else had, as Hotohori-sama had... I winced inwardly at the thought of the emperor. I still cared for him, but knew it was hopeless. It was Tasuki that I loved, that I knew I always would.

And he was almost in tears because of me.

"Shit, Nuriko, I'm so sorry," he was saying, his voice dusky and thick, straining to keep under control. He was so free and honest, another reason I loved him. "I know you love Hotohori, and I shouldn't have said anything, and oh, gods, you're a man, but I thought that I should tell you just in case anything did happen and-" He was babbling now, trying to hold back his tears desperately.

Silently, I stepped toward him and put my arms around his waist, hugging him tightly. He immediately quieted. I rested my head on his shoulder. He was several inches taller than me, but he was so perfect, so comfortable to hold. I felt for the first time since my sister died that I belonged somewhere. I shut my eyes tightly. "Gomen," I whispered to him. "I meant to tell you too..."

He did not respond to me, except I could feel all his muscles stiffen. I did not let go. He did not hold me back.

I continued, my voice still quiet beside his ear. "I've loved you for a very long time, almost since I've met you... I always wanted to tell you, but I thought if I did... that you'd..."

He suddenly tightened his arms around me, almost folding me into his embrace. "Gomen nasai," he said softly, his voice still thick.

I left my eyes closed. "I promised myself that I'd tell you tonight... but then Tamahome came... and I was so comfortable outside with you..." I was quiet a second, able at that moment to listen to two separate heartbeats at the same time. "I love you."

His arms tightened around me again. "Nuriko..."

There was something in his voice that made me pull away and look at him.

The pleading look was back in his eyes. "Na... kiss me again?" He looked so insecure, so needing. "Please?"

A slow smile broke out over my face. I reached up a hand slowly to his cheek, cupping it gently, studying him a moment. "Hai... of course."

He slowly smiled back. I had never quite realized how shy he was. I stood on my tip toes to reach him and lifted my lips to his, touching them gently with my own. After a moment, his arm pulled me close again and he leaned down, kissing me back with a fervor that I knew and understood well. I was still in shock. He loved me... he loved me... and I was kissing the man I loved.

It was only a few moments, but an eternity and an infinity and an instant all together. We broke apart after the shift in time and I hugged him to me, his hands still around my waist. He looked shaken, surprised at everything that was happening. I, for one, was still convinced that this was a dream.

I could smell the scent of his shirt, of himself, like mountain air and trees and wild things that grow in unexplored places. "Tasuki..." I murmured into his chest, disbelieving everything.

He suddenly pulled away from me, looking at me seriously, appraisingly. "Na... what do you look like with your hair down?"

I blinked, a little confused by the sudden shift in topic, but gave him a slight smile. I pulled my long braid out from behind me and started to unbraid it. He continued to watch me.

I flung my loose hair over my shoulder when I was finished, then raised my eyes to him, silent.

He had that awed look in his eyes again. "Shit, you're fucking gorgeous," he said quietly.

I started laughing and he looked confused. "What?" he asked irritably.

I tried to keep a straight face, but I couldn't. I felt completely shy for some reason, and was unsure why. Was this what he did to me?

It was quiet a moment. I bit my lip and looked up at him, then sat slowly on the bed. He blinked and stood still.

“Now what?” I asked softly. “What happens now?”

He looked confused. “What do you mean?”

I frowned slightly, though not purposely. I felt my brows lower slightly. What did I mean? But I had to continue. “With... us. What happens tomorrow morning?”

He bared his fangs in a feral grin. “Let’s worry about that when we get there.”

I did not return his smile. “Tasuki...”

He sobered quickly at my tone and then sat beside me. I did not look at him. “Nuriko... what do you want to do?”

I was caught off-guard a bit. “What I want to do? Well...” My voice trailed off and I turned my head to look at him and found him looking back at me. I traced with my eyes his young features, his strong chin, his hair, always so carefully kept, even though he tried to pretend otherwise, his eyes, like fire, burning me. I reached out a hand unknowingly until I touched his cheek. “Tasuki,” I said lowly, almost a whisper, “I just want to be with you...”

He nodded firmly and reached his hand up to hold mine where it was. “Aa... but...” He stopped, lowering his hand. “You’ll never leave me, right?”

He seemed so much younger than me suddenly, like a small child seeking reassurance from a parent. I started to reply but then listened to his question in my mind again. Never leave him... It struck a low chord in me and I shivered slightly. Was that what was going to happen? Was I going to go away from all of them? Would I be captured by the Seiryuu seishi as Tamahome had been?

Fear struck me hard and I tried to ignore it. I leaned forward and kissed him again, trying to force away my sudden terror. Why? Why was I suddenly afraid? But I didn’t want to answer that question.

Taking my kiss as an affirmative response, he kissed back, his hands reaching around me to pull me closer to him. “Let me stay tonight,” he breathed into my ear. “Please don’t make me go...”

I nodded, burying my face in his shoulder. Anything that would keep the fear away.

He lifted my head and kissed me again on the lips, gently and longingly.

Oh, Tasuki...
 
 

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