It was so stuffy in here. I wanted to open a window, but knew I couldn't.

Miaka had been coming in fairly frequently to check on me. I still don't think she had any idea why I was shut up in this room, our make-shift cock-loft. Poorer brides used real cock-lofts. The future empress used a back room of the palace that had been used by future empresses for centuries.

I was humming a song, a suitable lament, a song that I would be expected to sing. I was supposed to be mourning the separation from my family, but that had happened years ago. What I truly mourned was how close I would be to her every day, how amazingly intimate, yet never able to tell her my heart.

I also mourned Amiboshi and his loss. Even though he had turned against us, he had been a sweet soul. And we had been unable to call Suzaku.

But there were seven of us now- the true seven. And we had a commission to go find the shinzahou.

I sighed and wandered over to the other side of the small room.

The star watching festival had been so much fun. That had been last night. Since then, I had been here. I had won several small prizes at the weight-lifting contest, but the only one I had kept was a little bag of change, now tied to the sash at my waist. I had plans for that money. Everything had been wonderful until Tasuki and I had lost Miaka. We searched and searched and finally returned to the palace, where, of course, she was.

I looked down at my wrists. While not what I might have chosen for myself, the bracelets from Taiitsu-kun were certainly lovely. The jade jewel on each of them glimmered with a certain light that I had never seen in jewelry. I wondered what they were for and why she had given them to me. Yet that didn't matter now. It was time for me to focus my mind on Hotohori-sama and what would be our life together.

Dawn of the next day seemed to come too soon. There was a soft knock on the door. I arose from the bed, not having slept anyway, and opened it. An older attendant greeted me with words of joy and I smiled politely. While she chattered to me, I followed her to the next stage of the wedding preparations.

She led me to a bathing room and then proceeded to try to tug off my robe. My eyes widened, cleared of all sleep- or lack thereof- and I pulled away. "Don't!!"

She blinked up at me. Despite my rather small stature for a man, I was still taller than most of the women. "Now, Kourin-sama, let me help you."

I pulled away from her more, my brows lowering. "Please... leave me. I'm quite capable of bathing myself."

She gave me a dark frown. "Kourin-sama, you need others today more than any other time. Today is your last day as a virgin."

I choked. I had not thought about that. I shook my head slightly at her. "Please. I just want to be alone."

She gave me a worried look, but left me in the room with the bath and shut the door behind me.

I stepped behind the changing screen and slowly pulled off my clothes. Tonight... would we really be like that? I shivered slightly. This hadn't been what I wanted at all. I wanted to make her happy, and I knew that would hurt her. I sighed quietly as I slid into the bath.

It had just been prepared for me. The water was almost too hot and smelled of pumelo, a type of grapefruit. It was used to purify me from evil influences.

I shut my eyes, leaning back against the wall. It felt good, relieving my stress, relaxing my muscles. Whoever had come up with this idea had been a genius.

I rested there a while, just listening to my soft breathing. I think I fell asleep because it seemed as if no time had passed until I heard a knock on the door.

Reflex made me hurriedly cover my chest, burying myself deeper in the water. "Hai?"

"Kourin-sama, I have your clothes here. May I come in?" It was the woman from earlier.

I nearly panicked. "A-anou..." I flew out of the tub and tucked myself behind the screen. "It's all right now... please come in."

"I'll leave them on the table out here," she said gently and I heard the door shut. I guess she thought I was a rather unwilling bride. I stood up slowly and peered around the corner of the screen to make sure she was gone. She was.

I stepped out and put on my robe. She had to dress my hair first. "Obaa-san?" I called to her, a little worried that she would not be out there. My damp hair I lifted off the back of my neck, twisting in my hands to get some of the water out. I smelled like grapefruit. I smiled slightly.

She pushed the door open. "Kourin-sama, are you ready for me to fix your hair?"

I gave her a nervous little nod and sat in the chair in the room. A table rested in front of me, loaded with brushes and pins to be used in my hair. I shut my eyes and waited.

She murmured auspicious words of blessing in my ears as she styled my hair. It seemed like forever until she was finished. I was so nervous suddenly. Was I really going to do this? Could I marry her like this?

"It's done," she said softly, and I reopened my eyes.

I was gazing at myself in the mirror, my long hair done up in the style of a married woman. I shivered.

"I need to change," I said quietly, hearing the tremor in my voice. She seemed to as well, for she left the room without a word. I took a deep breath. I would be fine. I had to be.

I stood up and slowly slid into the new clothes, loving every moment of the feel of the perfect silk against my clean skin. Although red was not the best color on me, it was not too bright that it made me look washed out. I peered at myself in the full-length mirror that was in the room. I looked lovely. The light flicks of purple here and there were lighter than my hair and enhanced my eyes. Whoever had picked this out had done an excellent job.

I wrapped my arms around myself, studying myself. I would never be good enough for her, no matter what I looked like, how lovely I felt. The silk was cool against my fingertips.

Lastly, I turned my eyes to the small shrine of candles in the corner. Suzaku. I bowed my head slightly in reverence. It would have to do for the worship. It was nearly time to go.

I took a deep breath and stepped out the door.

As she was supposed to be, the older woman was waiting there. She was to carry me to the main hall on her back, but I was not sure if she could. I was not very heavy, but I didn't want to strain her. Yet she smiled and turned, indicating that I was to do so anyway.

I felt very, very foolish as I clambered onto her back. She moved slowly underneath me towards the throne room.

It was another eternity until we arrived. I'm sure my face matched my dress. But she let me down outside the door and I stepped in, barefoot, myself.

The shoes were waiting for me. For some reason that I did not remember, they were placed on a sieve. I looked around, searching for Hotohori-sama, but she was not present. The only one who greeted me was Akito, who was regarding me silently.

I bowed deeply to him and stepped forward, placing my feet into the small red slippers. I moved away from the sieve and turned my eyes to him, unsure what to do next.

He moved towards me, a beaded red veil and crown in his hands. He leaned over to me and placed the phoenix crown on my head, the veil hanging over my face. A gentle smile rested on his face as he pulled away.

"It was her mother's," he said lowly. "I'd always hoped for some reason to place it on Saihitei someday..."

His tone was very unlike his usual. Was he a romantic at heart? I gave him a small smile through the beads, sad, wishing... "I'm sorry..."

He shook his head. "But I know where to find you if you don't make her happy."

I tried not to flinch visibly and nodded. I bowed deeply to him again. I would do my best.

He started to walk away from me, then paused. "I'm going to see to the emperor now... but there's someone here you might want to see." He continued out the door and pushed it open, revealing a tall shadow in the door frame. I took a step forward, unable to see the person.

Suddenly in my vision was caught the color of his hair and I froze. Akito shut the door behind him and my brother stepped into the room.

"Aniki...?" I whispered.

He took another step forward. "Ryuuen?" His voice was full of amazement. I suppose it was rather unusual to one's brother in the outfit of a bride.

I was a little unsure. Would he still accept me? What must he think of me? But then he held out his arms to me and I couldn't do anything but go to him and hold him tightly. I would not let my tears come, no matter how much they threatened to do so. I buried my face in his chest. How long had it been since I had seen him? Forever, too long.

And so I spoke with my older brother while waiting to get married to one who was wedding me for the sake of her country.

Like Hotohori-sama had suggested, I told him the truth about her true gender.

And so he was happy for me.

I hadn't told him all the truth about her heart.
 
 

They pushed the bed the last couple of feet into place, looking at it, then each other, and nodded their approval. I did not know either of them, but they had been chosen because they fit the criteria: married, living spouse, children, and a few other things I could not remember. The woman was older than me, dressed modestly, her hair tied more or less back in a respectable style. The man, even older than the woman, had short dark hair that hung into his eyes and a quick willing smile. They glanced at me, watching them in the doorway, and bowed slightly as they left the room, talking.

Two servants entered the room as the man and woman left and scattered seeds and small fruits across the bed. Immediately after them, a swarm of young children rushed in and leaped on the bed, wrestling and jumping about on it. I smiled at them, unable to tear my eyes away from watching them. They were so innocent, so happy. They had no idea that the union they had been brought to bless had already been cursed by fate. Nuriko loved another.

One of the children, a tiny girl, slipped off the bed and walked over to me, her little bare feet padding softly across the floor. She held up her hand to me. "Ne... here!" She took my hand with her other and placed a small fruit in it. She smiled, her sweet little face glowing. "You look lonely... You can have this, 'cause the others are gonna eat the rest." I bent down to eye-level and smiled back at her.

"Thank you."

She nodded and scurried back to the bed, climbing on again. I watched her for a moment more, until I felt a hand on my arm. "Heika-sama..." Akito stood behind me, a small smile on his face. "It's time to get ready."

I nodded and followed him to the room where I would prepare for the wedding. Akito shut the door behind me and left me alone. Weren't weddings supposed to be joyful? I sighed to myself as I pulled the long gown-like robe around me; it was a soft material, silk perhaps. Joyful... I could not bring myself to be overly happy. Nuriko... I loved him, I wanted him to be happy, but I had trapped him into this. He could not be happy, and it was my fault. I sighed and fastened the sash, a scarlet length of fiery silk, about myself, making sure the silk ball attached to it was in the correct place.

There was a preemptory knock at the door and Akito entered. "Wonderful, Sai-chan, the clothes fit perfectly." He stepped over to me and began tugging and pulling at the garments making sure everything was in the right place. I attempted to pull away, but he was relentless. "There." He paused. "You look wonderful, Sai-chan..." He smiled a bit sadly. "Your mother would be proud."

I smiled back at him ever so slightly. "Am I really doing this, Akito?"

"Yes, you are. Really," he answered. "And we have to go now..." He opened the door and gestured for me to exit. I followed him out and to the room that housed the family altar.

The air in that room was cooler than the outside and a small breeze seemed to stir it, but no breeze blew. I knelt at the altar and Akito stepped over to me placing a small cap about my head. It was adorned with dark green cypress leaves. I stood and looked at Akito. He was still smiling. "I..." He paused. "We're ready now..."

We stepped outside into the bright sunshine, ready for the procession to Nuriko, to where he waited because of some sense of duty while I came to steal his freedom, to crush his chances to have the one he truly loved. I looked to Akito and nodded, forcing a smile. My shoes padded across the ground towards the bridal sedan. Akito removed the silk ball from my sash and placed it on the sedan chair.

Akito was performing all the duties my father would have, had he been alive. For that one thing I was glad. Akito was the closest thing I had to a parent left. He had always been there, throughout my childhood and my early years of ruling the country. I loved him like a father; I always had.

Chiriko, the young boy who had saved our lives, appeared at my side. "Hotohori-sama," he said, bowing slightly in greeting. A smile creased his young face and I found myself smiling back. It was tradition for a child to accompany the groom on the procession to the bride, and Chiriko had been quite happy to comply even though he was only a child in age. He had saved our lives and knew more than many of us did.

The fireworks began going off in the background and the sound of drums rang through the air. A group of men picked up the sedan chair and we began the short walk to where Nuriko would be waiting.

Nuriko, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. My mind raced and there was a strange tightness in my chest as we walked, and despite the warm shining sun, I shivered.
 
 

I heard the firecrackers first, announcing the arrival of the emperor. I glanced at my brother. "She's coming..." I moved away from him and toward the door, the beads of my veil rattling quietly against my face. It was time.

She pushed open the door, her eyes looking around warily. Akito was close behind her, smiling slightly, almost a smirk.

I took a shy step forward, trying to smile through the veil, noting that I was having trouble smiling at all. She looked absolutely beautiful, her hair pulled tightly back to reveal her perfect features. I'm sure the awe could be seen through my mask of beads. I wondered, if she looked so lovely in men's clothes, how she would look in women's clothing. Can one improve on perfection?

She glanced down at me, her eyes widening ever so slightly, and just looked at me for a moment before smiling shakily. She turned from me then, moving back out from where she had come.

I followed her as she led me outside to the bridal sedan. I looked at it, heaped in flowers and curtained around so that I would not be able to see outside of it, to prevent me from glimpsing anything that could possibly have any evil influence. I kept my eyes down, wondering what my brother must be thinking of me, wondering what Hotohori-sama was thinking. I noted that underneath all the flowers rested a sieve and a mirror. I sighed. It was so superstitious. Nothing could curse me more than I was, sentenced to love and marry one who loved another.

She looked at the chair silently, stepping forward to pull open the curtain for me. Her eyes then rested on me, her expression almost sad. There it was. I wondered if the one she loved would be at the nuptial chambers.

I shook my head slightly, wondering at the irony of all this, and climbed in, a little less delicately than I would have hoped. I cast a glance back to my brother and saw him grinning at me and waving. I smiled faintly back, though I doubt he could see it with the veil, and then she shut the curtain, a slight smile that didn't reach her eyes resting on her face.

It annoyed me that I was now, for all purposes, blind. The curtain concealed everything. Not only was it hot, but it was also stuffier in here than it had been in my cock-loft. I sighed.

It was not a smooth ride. I was being carried on the backs of men, all of whom I could most likely lift together, and they were not quite in step. It was a few minutes, but they finally made the journey to Hotohori-sama's private chambers and set me down.

The curtain opened slowly, allowing Hotohori-sama to take her time. The sunlight dazzled my eyes for a moment as I looked up at her, but then I shakily stood up, still alarmed by the firecrackers which were yet going off. My feet landed on the red carpet that had been placed out for me. I looked up at her when I was sure I was steady.

She started to walk forward into the main part of her private rooms, looking almost as if she was trying to glance back at me.

I could see everyone through my veil, could feel every stare as it penetrated my skin, digging into me, everyone watching me. I raised my eyes, trying to focus on something else, but could still feel their gazes, all the other seishi, all the harem, every other courtier, all looking at me.

She stepped forward, entering the main room. I followed rather sedately, stepping over the saddle placed in my path for luck and tranquillity. I could still sense the eyes needling me.

I came up almost immediately behind her, and then took a step back, keeping my face down. How had I ever gotten here? How could I have agreed to this? I should have said no to her, told her to follow her own heart, her dreams.

She turned around slowly to me, her hand reaching out to me a bit hesitantly. She lifted my veil, watching me closely, neither smiling nor frowning.

I didn't move, feeling her gentle touch, feeling her fingers so nearly brush my face, then looked up at her, my face finally bare. I'm sure my expression somewhat resembled hers.

Akito gave us both a fatherly smirk and led the way to the altar. He seemed to be the only one smiling in the room, looking as if he knew secrets that no one else did. As he did.

I felt completely naked. Everyone could see me now. Everyone, I'm sure, was judging me. Was I pretty enough to make an empress? Was I graceful enough? Would I be able to fulfill my nighttime duties? I could nearly hear their thoughts. And then I caught Tamahome's horrified face out of the corner of my eyes and flinched. Whatever he thought of me did not matter, but what he thought of Hotohori-sama...

She, for the most part, seemed to be completely ignoring everyone, walking silently towards the altar. She stopped as she reached the correct position and I came up beside her.

I turned to her and bowed as deeply as I could. Oh, how I loved her, and how much I was hurting her.

She bowed as well to me, not looking at me at all.

And it was done.

We were married.

I stood there, a bit stunned, as the realization sunk in. Married... forever. To the one she did not love.

Forever.

What had I done?

Akito, with the smirk still on his face, took her arm and nearly pulled her to the nuptial chambers. I felt my face flame at the thought of that and followed.

She sat on the bed, remarkably silent. I sat beside her, not too close, but not far enough away to cause any murmurs. I too was silent, leaving my eyes down.

Akito handed each of us a wedding goblet that he had procured from somewhere, tied together by a single red thread. I slowly lifted mine to my lips and took a few sips, then looked to her, my eyes solemn.

She took the goblet from him tentatively and sipped as well, meeting my eyes briefly and then tearing them away, just as quickly.

I held out my goblet to her to switch, as the custom required. She did not look at me, but kept her eyes on the cups, taking mine and giving me hers.

It hurt. She wouldn't even glance at me. I turned my face back to the front and finished the wine and honey. She loved the other that much...

Beside me, she finished her drink and stared at the cup, silent.

I'm not sure who started it, but a cheer suddenly rose through the crowd. Miaka was then barreling toward me. "Nuriko!!"

I blinked as she wrapped me in a hug. "Miaka..."

"I'm so happy for you!!" she exclaimed cheerfully. And she was. She didn't know my pain.

I could see Hotohori-sama watching us absently, not really focused on us. Was her mind on her love?

I gave her a little hug back and a shy smile, trying to cover my hurt. "Thank you..."

She graced me with another grin and then moved over to the emperor. She was noticeably more subdued. "Congratulations, Hotohori."

She smiled back. "Thank you, Miaka." I suddenly felt her eyes on me for the first time in a while, but I was not given the opportunity to dwell on it.

There were so many people crammed into this room, all milling around. There were several court ladies, fellow harem members, giving me dark looks. Men of all ages gazed at me appraisingly, most looking approving. Akito was still smirking.

I watched them all, summing up how the court would receive me, when I caught sight of Tamahome. I winced as I saw the look on his face.

I heard a voice to my right, that beloved voice, quiet, low, so that it was audible only to me. "Ne... did you see earlier? Everyone was watching you."

I turned my gaze to her, wondering where she was going with that. Of course I had felt their stares.

"You looked... look... beautiful." Her nervous gaze was alternating between me and the people.

I froze. Beautiful? "H-Hotohori-sama...?" I choked out, stunned. She had never complimented me before, and certainly never like that.

Tamahome had grabbed Tasuki and was hauling him over to the corner of the room, but I could still hear them.

"The emperor is gay too??" Tamahome hissed.

"I fucking guess so. Shit... a fag's ruling the country," Tasuki hissed back. My eyes narrowed, but I was still too shocked by the compliment to do anything about them.

She looked at me questioningly. "Hai?"

"Che... I'm never paying taxes again," Tamahome said darkly.

Tasuki laughed. "I never paid the fucking things in the first place." His grin was certainly evil as it spread across his face.

I looked away suddenly from her, seeing Miaka still bubbling everywhere, feeling something odd in my chest. "I... thank you..."

Tamahome laughed and started pulling Tasuki away.

"Oh, come on!" Tasuki protested loudly. "I wanna stare at them!! Shit, Tama, you're no fun!!"

I vaguely saw her smile at me and then it fell from her face as people came up to her.

I too had a smile on my face. Beautiful? I just nodded to the well-wishers, trying to keep my mind on their words, but everything kept coming back to that one word. Beautiful?

Beside me, Hotohori-sama seemed to be spending half the time listening to and smiling at the wedding guests and the other half watching her hands.

I continued in my dazed state to smile blankly at the crowd. It seemed like forever until Akito ushered all the people out of the room. He then took Hotohori-sama's arm and led her away from me. I watched silently, my quiet thrill deep in my heart. Beautiful? I certainly felt that way now.

A few minutes passed and Akito returned. He smiled down at me and held out an arm for me. I took it a bit shyly and he led me away to prepare me for my wedding night.
 
 
 

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