I was glowing.

We were going to have a child.

Maybe it would be a little girl. Maybe we could name her Kourin. Maybe a boy... I was a bit unsure about naming him Akito though. I wondered vaguely what her mother's name had been and could not quite recall. We could name her Saihitei or him Ryuuen, but that could get confusing. I also didn't much like it when people named their children after themselves. It seemed to me to make the child merely an extension of themselves. So those were out. But Kourin... that might work. If she wanted that, of course.

Yet that would get confusing as well. Everyone knew that Kourin was the name of the present empress. I sighed quietly, not unhappily, tightening my arms slightly around her waist. Her hands were gripping my arms already. The horse bounced underneath us. We were all sharing, two to a horse. And this one was skittish.

We were traveling in Hokkan. It was a rather desolate place. It was also freezing cold. One thing that I could always boast about was my ability to be cold, whether it was warm or not, a very female trait. I had bothered Tasuki several times to warm me up with his tessen, but he was getting annoyed at me for that, so I had to content myself with leaning closely against her, seeking body heat. And comforting her.

She was so frightened. I didn't know how to make everything all right, as I had promised. I would be here for her, assuming I wasn't killed as we traveled, but no one had gotten very hurt yet, except Miaka, so I didn't expect any serious threats to our lives. The horse was cantering a little roughly. We had gotten them at the last stop, a place where Tamahome had saved a child. They had been our thanks and payment.

They had told us to go to Toran. It was the biggest city, they had said, and if we sought information on the shinzahou, they would be the most likely to know.

Snow. Everywhere. The fields were flat and stretched for endless miles of dull, freezing, white snow. I did not like it. It had been beautiful at first, a glorious, shimmering treat, but this was a bit much. Everything has to come to an end, doesn't it? And it was so cold. I missed the fields of Kounan, covered in grass and wildflowers. I missed the trees and the blue sky, not this grey dusk that always seemed to loom overhead. I missed being able to move when I was trying to sleep, instead of being weighted down with blankets. And, brief though it had been, I missed what private time I had been able to have with Hotohori. I knew how difficult it was for her to keep her secret amidst the other seishi, living with so many others. A few times it could have been possible... but no. No one else knew. And I would keep it that way.

I could see lights far ahead of us. Perhaps that was Toran. There was only one way to be sure.
 
 

The snow was quite pretty, both as it lay on the ground and as it drifted gently down to the ground. The lights of the town before us sparkled like stars that had fallen to earth with the snowflakes. They promised shelter, warmth... rest.

The cold was not unbearable, but it was chilly, and only getting more so as the night drew on and the sun set. The sheet of grey that covered the sky was dimming to a charcoal color. The moonless, starless sky made the coming darkness seem even more complete, and perhaps it would have been overwhelming were it not for the town we were approaching.

Nuriko's arms still held on tightly around my waist, and I could feel him leaning against me, shivering in the chilled air. He had been so happy, despite our less-than-ideal traveling conditions, ever since I had told him. The smile that graced his face only brightened whenever I brought up the subject of our having a baby. His happiness was encouraging and, while I understood it, I could not bring myself to agree with him. But it was nice to see him so happy. It helped to take some of the fear, some of the chilling uncertainty, away. Because he was there. Because he had said everything would be all right. And it would be. He would be there, always. We would be together, as long as we both lived.

But still... I shivered despite myself, but not from the cold. I had never thought about being pregnant before. I had never expected that it could happen. But as the cool wind stirred some of the powdery white snow beneath the foot of the horse, sending it up into a swirl of sparkling dust, I knew it was something with which I needed to come to terms. I just wish I knew what would happen. It was frightening.

I felt Nuriko's arms tighten slightly around my waist again as he shifted position. The gates of the town lay open behind us as we entered the city and came to the inn as the last vestiges of daylight slipped behind the distant grey horizon.
 
 

The table was cool on my arm. I was leaning on one elbow, watching the most beautiful flower that had ever bloomed from Kounan. She was gazing across the room, her head slightly bowed, her hair cascading over her shoulder, shadowing her features, casting dusk across her pale face. Her dark eyes were stormy, reminiscent of the last embers of a fire fighting to survive. Her hands rested lightly on the table, unmoving, but tense. She sat beside me on a small stool. I smiled slightly to myself. If only she could see herself. If only she could see herself through my eyes.

"Akito... I'm not sure it will fit..." I said, still smiling, interrupting the silence.

We were in the small room beside the dining area in the inn that we had decided to make our home for the night. We were alone in the room. The others were upstairs, presumably asleep, but she had not wanted to go to bed yet.

Her dark eyes turned to me. She was still scared. Despite how much I had tried to comfort her, she was frightened of what was happening. But I knew we would be all right. No matter what happened. "And we'd never hear the end of it from Akito either..." The lone candle at the end of the table flickered as if it were about to die.

I laughed quietly. "True enough." I watched her a moment more, wishing I could reach out and feel the tiny life that was growing inside her, to understand how it felt. "Girl or a boy?"

She gave me a faint smirk. "Does it matter?"

I lowered my eyes, hiding a grin. "It might..." I looked back at her, then suddenly leaned over, lightly kissing her cheek. "But, of course, you are right as usual." That caused me to wonder. What if we had a girl? Would she succeed Hotohori? Would she have to find someone like me? That had many possibilities. I wasn't sure I wanted my child to grow up in my footsteps.

She smiled at me slightly and opened her mouth to say something, but there was suddenly a looming shadow over us. I glanced up and gave the tall man a happy smile. "Konban wa! Mitsukake, you're up late!"

He nodded once to me. "Hai... Konban wa, Nuriko... heika..." He was looking between us, seeming to see something that wasn't there, gazing at us with his dark, perceptive, silent eyes.

I cocked my head at him, looking up at him a bit curiously. We weren't exactly the closest of friends, but the healer was not very close to any of us. I glanced once at Hotohori and then back to him. "Why don't you sit down? Is something the matter?"

He accepted my suggestion and did so, giving us both a slight smile. "Nothing's the matter... I was just wondering..." He broke off, looking slightly anxious, surprising to see on his normally calm, controlled face.

Hotohori, a little frown settled on her eyes, looked up at him. He was one of the few men taller than her, at least when she was wearing her shoes. She had not briught them on the trip, so she was about the same height as Chichiri. I wore the special shoes Akito had given me. I liked feeling tall. "Wondering what?"

I looked at her again, trying to decipher her emotion in the dark, a little confused. There was a sudden electricity in the atmosphere that I did not quite understand. I turned back to Mitsukake, waiting for him to answer.

He was studying her quietly. "I was just wondering if you'd want to be looked at... checked, that is.. by a doctor."

Her voice was nervous, almost tremulous. "Why... why would I need to? I'm not sick..." She cast me a nervous glance.

I could not respond, the feeling in my stomach suddenly tight. I watched him silently a moment. He knew. He knew. "Sou ka," I said softly. I slowly turned my eyes to her, silent again.

His voice was gentle, trying to reassure her. "Well, you're pregnant, ne?"

She just blinked and stared at him. "I..."

I had only seen her eyes so terrified twice before. The first time had been when I had walked in on her and her secret had been revealed. The second had been when she had discovered she was pregnant.

I reached out and took her hand, looking only at Mitsukake. I tightened my hand slightly around hers, leaving my voice quiet. "Yes, if you would be so kind."

I could see out of the corner of my eyes her own frantic eyes.

I couldn't look back at her. What I was doing was betraying her. But it didn't matter now. He knew. "Please."

He nodded, his face unreadable. "Hai, of course."

He reached out his left hand and placed it on her forehead, a tiny light emanating from the hand rivaling that of the candle. She did not move or say anything, her eyes lowered, but I could feel the fear in her just by touching her hand.

I bit my lip. Was it betrayal? But he had known... I couldn't look at her. Had it been betrayal to tell her my real name? I had sworn to Kourin that we would always be together, that I would be her as long as I lived. But I had married a woman. I was no longer acting as she had. I was myself...

Yet... Hotohori had fallen in love with me. With Ryuuen.

I kept my eyes focused on the table in front of me. Either way, I lost. With Hotohori, I could no longer be Kourin. Without Hotohori, I could not live.

I felt unworthy to even be touching her hand. Would I betray her one day too? Would there be some promise that I had made to her that I would break too?

His hand started to move down from her forehead, about an inch away from her, over her face, over her neck, over her breasts, and finally to her stomach. Where our child was growing. After a moment, he drew it away and simply nodded.

She was still silent. Was she angry at me? I could not look up.

"Well, you are pregnant... it's early, but you're both very healthy so far..." It sounded like he was smiling. Good. They were fine. She tightened her hand around mine slightly.

I tightened my hand as well, a tiny smile slipping onto my face. No matter what, I still loved her. And I was so happy we were going to have a child. I looked up to Mitsukake a little shyly, my voice still soft. "Thank you."

He nodded. "Of course... any time I can be of help..."

She was still being remarkably quiet.

I nodded back and then finally forced myself to look at her. She met my gaze, not smiling nor frowning, just looking rather unsure. Relief poured through me. She wasn't angry with me.

"Heika, you do not have to worry," Mitsukake said, his deep voice resonating in the small room. "I will not tell anyone anything. You have my word on that."

"Gomen..." I whispered to her. And I truly was sorry.

She shook her head. "Iie... don't apologize." She gave me a little smile and then turned her eyes back to Mitsukake. "Mitsukake... how... how did you know?"

I too turned my eyes to the tall healer, seated across from us. "I'm a doctor," he said simply. "You had been acting so strangely... I had seen such behavior before... but only in a pregnant woman... and it made me wonder..."

I smiled slightly to myself. Strangely was an understatement. But her voice, when she answered, was almost too calm. "I see."

He just nodded.

"Ne, Mitsukake," I said lowly, curiosity suddenly itching my mind.

He glanced at me. "Hai?"

"Only in a pregnant woman... the way you said it," I repeated, musing over his words. I paused a moment, aware that he might not want me poking into his past. I tried to phrase my inquiry carefully. "Forgive me, but it sounded like it was someone you know."

His dark eyes went distant for a minute, but then he nodded, not coming out of his memories. "Hai... I was speaking... of someone I once knew..."

I was even more curious. My finesse completely gone, I asked the question bluntly. "Who?"

There was only one person that I knew of that he had known. His voice was hushed, almost as if speaking the name was an effort- or painful. "Shouka..."

My eyes widened and I knew Hotohori's did as well. His one love had been pregnant...?

"Shouka was pregnant... when she died," he said rather flatly. His entire posture had changed, looking hurt, sad, almost angry.

I kept my tone soft. "Yours...?"

His nod was barely perceptible. "Hai. Mine."

My brows lowered. "I'm sorry..."

He shook his head. "Don't apologize... I've already apologized hundreds of times and it didn't do anything." His eyes were still looking off into the past. "It was the baby that killed her... she wasn't strong enough when the disease came... because of the child... that's why the demon took her."

I slowly put my other hand on top of the hand of hers I held. I was completely unsure of what to say. The rush of emotions was nearly suffocating. He had lost her... because of the baby... no. No. I wouldn't let anything happen to her. No matter what, I would protect her. I glanced up at her, upset.

She was nearly clutching my hand, looking scared and trying to not to show it.

He seemed to realize what he was saying and to whom. "Gomen... I shouldn't be telling you this. And don't worry, heika, you're perfectly healthy and I'll do my best to make sure you stay that way." He gave us a half-hearted smile.

"Mitsukake... thank you," I said quietly. My feelings were still rushing around. How must he have felt when that happened? I would have felt so guilty. "And it wasn't your fault."

The sad smile still graced his face. "Iie... it was... I failed her twice." He sighed quietly. "But... perhaps she can forgive me someday..."

I shook my head slowly. "Trust me... she has." The smile I gave him was slight. "I saw her face. I was there."

He smiled back faintly, bowing his head a bit. I knew that in this case words meant nothing. "If you'll excuse me... it's late... If you ever have need of anything more, please ask me." He nodded to both of us, rising to his feet in one smooth motion. "Nuriko, heika." His quiet footsteps led him away.

"Oyasumi," I said quietly. I watched him until he disappeared, still holding her hand with both of mine. I needed to see her reaction to this.

She turned her eyes away from the darkness that had engulfed him. They were more frightened than her voice, carefully cultivated to prevent slips, or her face, also trained to not show emotion. "It's falling apart..."

"Don't..." I started to shake my head. "Nothing is falling apart. He knows, yes. But he's not going to tell. You know that." I met her eyes squarely. "It will be all right. Everything will be."

"Hai... hai, it will be. It has to be." She was more reassuring herself than me, I think. She was still shaken from the realization that Mitsukake knew. And that Shouka had died because of her own child.

I stood, moving over to her and bending over to hug her tightly. "Don't be scared... please. Nothing will happen to you. I'll always keep you safe."

She hugged me back just as tightly, nodding into my shoulder.

I would protect her.
 
 

It was late, too late to be awake, but I was. Sleep would not come; perhaps it could not. The words still swam through my mind, searing into my memory and refusing to be pushed away. Nuriko lay beside me, his loose hair spilling across the pillow in shining ripples on the snow white sheet, his arms loosely around me and that happy smile still pulling at the corners of his mouth, even in sleep. It was our first night alone since we had left the boat to travel over land some time ago, and it was nice to be alone together again. The bed was warm, him lying beside me under a number of soft blankets, and still I could not sleep. Sighing to myself slightly, I slid out from beneath the covers and away from him into the cold chill. The night air was cool against my bare skin and I stood glancing around a moment before picking up my nightshirt and slipping it over my head.

Still shivering and cold, but covered now, I folded my arms across my chest, almost hugging myself, trying to ward off the chill.

Shouka. She had died because of the baby. I shivered, as much from that thought as from the cold. Mitsukake had found out my secrets, both that I was a woman and that I was pregnant. I tried to convince myself it was because he was a healer- that was why he had known, how he could tell. That had to be why. My feet padded softly against the cold bare wooden floor as I walked over to the window and looked out. Moonlight was beginning to shine through as the clouds broke apart in patches to reveal an ebony sky studded with diamonds.

Nuriko still slept soundly beneath the mound of covers piled onto the bed. The moonlight shone on the fallen snow, making it glitter. Lifting a hand to my face, I was surprised to find my cheeks wet with silently falling tears. I wiped at them, annoyed. Why was I crying? There was no reason to. Despite everything that had happened, I still should not have been so emotional, so upset. After all, Nuriko was here and he had promised everything would be all right. And as long as he was with me, as long as he lived, I knew it would be. I suppose... it was almost a good thing that Mitsukake knew now. I would be needing a doctor in the months to come, and the healer was someone I knew I could trust.

But the pain in his eyes, when he had talked about Shouka, how he had lost her. That was what had been most frightening. I had never seen such sadness, so deep, so complete, in anyone's eyes before. Shaking my head at the night sky, I walked over to the bed, slipping back beneath the covers and inching close against Nuriko, leaning against him, my shivering slowly ceasing. Everything would be fine. It was Nuriko's child, our baby, that I was carrying inside me. As long as he was with me, everything would be all right. Everything.
 
 

I stumbled down the stairs. Hotohori had not been in our room when I had woken up. My stomach rumbled again- the reason I had woken up- and I tried to straighten out my disheveled appearance slightly. I pulled my belt into the right place, brushing a few purple strands of hair out of my eyes, and continued down the stairs. My footsteps were not as light as I would have liked.

I managed to make my way down the stairs without falling. I peered into the dining room of the inn, searching for her or food, and found both. I meandered over slowly.

I had slept late. There were already drunk men about. I found that impressive.

She was sitting as far from Mitsukake as she could manage, but she glanced up at me and smiled. "Ohayo."

Any morning that I could wake up to her certainly was a good morning. I smiled blissfully at her, but then realized that there was no place for me at the table. I peered around and then quickly stole one from a neighboring table, seating myself happily. "Ohayo... what's going on?" They were all speaking but her, talking about what we were going to do.

"We're discussing the plans for today," she told me, looking back to the others, "to search for the shinzahou."

I nodded, stifling a yawn. "How?" I wasn't really paying attention to what they were saying. I was sure they had everything worked out, or that they would.

She hid a grin, presumably at how sleepy I still was, but it had been a long night. Yet she should have been tired too. "We think it'll be quicker if we split up... to cover more area in less time."

I nodded in agreement with her, too tired to form my own opinion. "I'm going with you." That I would not compromise, no matter what state of wakefulness I was in.

She smiled at me briefly and then turned to the others, making sure that there would be no arguments against that. I simply ignored them, taking a piece of bread from the middle of the table and munching on it hungrily.

The groups ended up being what I would have expected- Tamahome and Miaka, Chiriko and Chichiri, Tasuki and Mitsukake, and Hotohori and I. I stayed content to eat nearly everything in sight... at least, everything that Miaka hadn't eaten.

In the midst of my breakfast, I felt a light tap on my shoulder. "Hey, pretty lady, want to come have a drink with me?" a slurred voice oozed into my ear.

I glared. I was a married man. I didn't need this kind of treatment. I carefully picked him up and launched him across the other side of the room. "Hmph. I'm not that easy." I gave Hotohori a smile and sat myself, very properly, again.

She did not bother to hold back a soft laugh. "Nicely done."

I inclined my head slightly. "Thank you."

"Hey, neechan, how about you? Are you less uptight?" Hotohori's shoulder was suddenly being molested by the drunken filth of this town. Kounan's emperor. My wife. I noticed he was giving me occasional wary looks. I restrained myself from killing him on the spot, but barely. I had to let her take care of herself in this instance.

She raised an eyebrow at him. "You're joking, right?"

Raucous calls serenaded him throughout the dining room. He grinned. "We have a free spot for a lovely woman such as yourself."

I would not kill him. I would not kill him. Killing was wrong. I would not kill him.

"I don't think so..." She looked a bit unsure. How many men hit on other men- especially if that man was the emperor? Besides me, of course.

An idea suddenly blossomed in my mind. Smirking, I stood, reaching down and pulling Hotohori to her feet as well. "I'm sorry," I said lightly, "this one is taken." I turned her toward me and tilted my face up.

And in the middle of the dining room, I reached up and kissed her deeply.

The jaws of the other seishi, except Mitsukake, dropped. "K-kiss!" sputtered out Tamahome helplessly.

She seemed a bit surprised, but she quickly caught my idea and kissed back.

Tasuki was blinking, his mouth open, his eyes wide. "Shit..."

Tamahome grabbed Tasuki's shirt. "You see that???"

But my mission had been accomplished. The man who had been hitting on her, his mouth gaping, blinking in shock, backed away, nearly tripping over a table behind him.

I was still busy kissing her. And it wasn't the type of kiss one might give to a friend. This was a rather intimate kiss. I was surprised that she had been willing to do this in public.

"Shit..." Tasuki said, his voice a hiss, nodding. "I see it... just... shit... they really are... Oh, man. Oh, man..."

Miaka's high voice piped through the consternation of the crowd. "What? They make a cute couple!" Tama-chan just stared at her uncomprehendingly.

I finally pulled away, grinning breathlessly at her. What a way to start the morning.

Tasuki glared at Miaka. "You don't get it, do you?"

Hotohori smiled back at me, also slightly out of breath. Tasuki was inching back into his chair.

Tamahome looked like he wondered if he could disappear. Chiriko just seemed slightly puzzled as to what the fuss was about. Chichiri looked a little pale, but was keeping his emotions hidden. Mitsukake had a wide smirk on his calm face.

Grinning triumphantly, I seated myself in the chair. An ironic thought occurred to me. All the drunks thought that we were both women. The seishi mostly thought we were both men. This amused me. I laughed quietly to myself and glanced at her, smiling, then turned my eyes to Tasuki and Tamahome.

She sat back down as well. The men in the dining hall seemed much more subdued and tolerable, though they were still staring at us. Tasuki was watching us suspiciously.

I linked my arm with hers, biting another piece of bread happily. "So what are we doing today, minna?"

"We're going to find the shinzahou! You're going with Hotohori?" Miaka asked cheerfully.

I grinned and nodded enthusiastically.

Hotohori was quiet, seeming happy for the moment, sipping her tea absently.

Tasuki looked as if he were convinced that he was surrounded by lunatics. "Che, at least Mitsukake's almost normal..." he muttered darkly.

Hearing his words, I gave him a little grin. "Jealous, bandit boy?"

He looked flustered. "Jealous of what??"

I crossed my legs like a woman, very effeminately, placing my elbows on the table, separating from her for a moment, wide awake now that I could exercise my powers to flirt and tease. "Do you want a kiss too?" I smiled sweetly at him.

Hotohori gave me a sideways glance, but Tasuki just started laughing nervously.

I hid a smile and looked at Hotohori, grinning mischievously. This was a fun game.

Chiriko had an idea, flares, to set off when we found the shinzahou. I took ours and stuck it in a pocket. They continued to talk and I continued to amuse myself by torturing Tasuki. I simply gazed at him. Whenever he met my eyes, I gave him a slow, luxurious smile. He would pale and then hurriedly look away. And finally they were done talking.

"Well, should we be off then?" I asked the others, turning my attention away from the terrified bandit.

Beside me, Hotohori nodded. "Hai... I think we're ready..."

Tasuki stood and watches us, especially me, very warily. "Then what the hell are we waiting for? Shit, we're wasting daylight. Let's get moving."

I sidled over to him, pulling Hotohori with me, and linked my free arm with Tasuki's. "You should come with us..." I grinned evilly. I was tormenting him and I knew it. And loved it.

He jerked his arm away and backed up. "Anou... shit, Mitsukake'd be lonely then. Couldn't do that to him. Sorry." He hurried over to Mitsukake and began tugging on the tall healer's arm, hiding behind him. "C'mon!" Hotohori stifled a laugh.

I smirked at him and slipped an arm around her waist cheerfully. "We're off then!"

Tama hung back with Miaka, still looking at us, slightly pale. "See you guys later!!" Miaka called cheerily.

And we started on our way to find the shinzahou.

Go to the next part.

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