I suppose the flute was all right, but it annoyed me at first, possibly because I was convinced that Miaka had lost her mind, and it had bothered me that I hadn't heard what had actually existed.

Hotohori-sama and Tasuki had raced out to save her and brought her back, mostly unharmed, but a little shaken. What they also returned with was the seventh seishi, Chiriko, the one who had saved Miaka from the bats and Kutou's assassin. Now we could get Tamahome back from Nakago and Miaka would be happy again.

We were staying in Tamahome's family's house. Mitsukake had healed Tama-chan's father and all the children were excited to see Miaka.

I was sitting just outside, waiting, for once, for everyone else to get up. I was too busy thinking. The sun was casting glints of red and pink through the sky, pinpricks of stars still showing through. I did not like mornings normally, but I hadn't been able to sleep. Something was wrong. I could feel it.

Several factors had added to the sense of wrongness I felt. Hotohori-sama had been acting differently toward me, almost quieter toward me. I was unsure why. What had changed? Had I done something to offend her? I didn't know, but I wanted to fix it. She didn't smile as easily at me now.

I was happy we had found the seventh seishi, but something just didn't feel completely right about it. Maybe I just wasn't looking forward to the future, after we called Suzaku- and having to part from Hotohori-sama. It still bothered me that I hadn't been able to hear the flute. I had remarked rather casually as we were traveling that I hadn't been able to hear it, and the tone in Hotohori-sama's voice as she reprimanded me for doubting the miko stung deeply. She had never spoken to me like that before.

That was what worried me the most. Her moods had become much more varied than usual. My mother had had similar experiences, moodiness and quick temper, and I wondered if it were from the same cause. If so, that was fine with me. But if it were because of something I had done, I wanted to know so I could remedy it. Even had I not loved her, I would still have wanted to fix it, but I needed to with her. Nothing mattered more to me than her. I would not be the cause of her unhappiness.

We were heading back to Eiyou today, to have a base from which to get Tamahome back and then to call Suzaku. I wanted to spend as much time as I could awake, alert, as much time as I could with her. My time was too limited. I didn't know what I would do with the rest of my life, but I would have to leave the palace. I couldn't live a lie if someone knew.

I turned my eyes back inside the small house. I could see her sleeping from where I was, her long dark hair scattered on the pillow around her face. She stirred, yet I continued to watch. She looked so young when she slept, so peaceful and innocent, so much like the young girl that she was. I wished I could have told her how much I wanted to protect her, how much I wanted to make her happy. Her face was pale against the rich darkness of her hair, her cheeks a faint pink against the light skin, her lips a shade darker, the color of a summer rose, true and clear. I knew behind her lidded eyes slept the kindest soul I had ever met. She had her faults, of course. She was somewhat blind to the people around her, those close to her, but what she saw and understood, she cared for deeply. Like Miaka. She had loved Miaka, or so she had thought, but she had always taken the best of her that she could. I still didn't understand how Miaka could have chosen Tamahome over Hotohori-sama, and I doubted that I ever would.

She stirred again, blinking and opening her eyes. I stood up and looked away quickly, moving to finish packing up my horse. I had already packed the others' horses, except for their bedrolls and clean clothes. It wasn't that I wanted to go home any earlier- quite the opposite. But I needed something to do. I'm sure I looked terrible. No sleep does that to a person.

I heard movements inside the house and assumed that she was waking the rest of them. I moved to the doorway, hovering there, shy and unsure, waiting. When they were ready, it would be time to go. We would get Tamahome back, call Suzaku, Miaka and Tamahome would be happy, and I would leave the palace.

And I would never see Hotohori-sama again.
 
 

I rode through the gates as the sun was still lazing high in the sky. The cadence of my horse's hoof beats thundered through the streets, echoing off the walls even as I slowed the tired animal to a walk. In all truth I was not overly eager to return to the palace. I was worried about the country, with Kutou so close to our borders, but I needed time to think, to let my thoughts sort themselves out. And so I rode in silence and let my mind take me away.

I had left the others earlier that day, slipping away without a word, without an excuse. I had not wanted to leave them, but I thought it best that I did. I had not slept much the night before; I could not. I was... falling in love with Nuriko. I was still not quite believing it. He was a man. The emperor of a country could not fall in love with a man. It could not happen.

And yet, I was the emperor of the country. I was a woman, and despite my telling myself that it could not work, that he loved someone else, I was falling in love with him. I had lain awake the first half of the previous night, watching him as he slept, wondering so many things... wondering what it would be like to touch his soft flowing hair...

I had spent the remainder of the night trying to force such thoughts from my mind.

I had been quieter towards him, towards everybody. I tried to act normal, but I had been too afraid- afraid I'd say something I'd regret. Afraid that somehow they would be able to tell my thoughts. Afraid that somehow Nuriko would find out, especially if he loved another, the one whose name Miaka would not mention. And so I had left them, turning back briefly to see him perched atop his horse, Miaka in front of him. The sunshine, as always, made his long braided hair shine. I smiled once, and slipped away before they noticed I was gone.

I quickened my horse as I reached the stables and dismounted as the horse was still going, landing softly on my feet. I petted its muzzle one last time and handed the animal off to a stable attendant who gave me a curious, questioning look. I half-smiled at him and continued to my chamber. I peeled off the dusty traveling clothes and quickly washed my face and my neck with the cool water that lay in the basin on my dresser. I watched myself in the mirror as the layer of dust that had settled around my face vanished with the cleansing water. My face was a bit red, especially my cheeks. My hair fell in disordered waves near my face; the ponytail I had tied it back in earlier was only barely clinging to the ends of my hair. I smiled slightly. I looked a bit tired, maybe a bit sunburned, but still all right, I assured myself.

The flower Nuriko had given me lay alone on the table where I had set it when I entered. Glancing at it for a moment, I smiled softly to myself. I had been afraid it would die on the road, before I could get home, before I could put it with the others. Lifting it gently in my hand, I set it with the rest that he had given me, hanging it upside down to dry it. I watched it for a moment, seeing his face when he had given it to me, questioning, shy, a bit unsure. The smile on my face brightened a bit more, unbidden, unconscious. Shrugging back my long loose hair, I turned away from the flowers and back to getting dressed. I slipped into the voluminous robes of the emperor of Kounan and put my slightly wild hair up underneath the small crown I normally wore. I studied myself in a mirror again, finding myself looking into my own eyes. I slid my feet into a couple of slipper-like shoes and headed towards the throne room to find Chichiri and free the poor man from my job.

But he was not there when I arrived. Only Akito was in the room, blinking in slight confusion at the blank air in front of him. His sharp eyes flashed towards me as I entered the room. "Ah, heika-sama, you're back!" The twist he put to the words was amazing. The man had sarcasm down to an art. "Glad to see your journey went well. Did it ever occur to you to tell me you'd be leaving and having a slightly psychotic pretender take your place?"

I could not help grinning. "So you noticed, ne?"

He narrowed his eyes at me. "Yes, I noticed, Sai-chan." He called me by that nickname when he thought he was saying something important or nostalgic... or parental. He was the only one from whom I would even tolerate that and he knew it. He knew it well. "Please, at least leave some sort of note. At first I thought you were sick and then I thought you had gone completely insane, and finally I figured out what was going on. Sai-chan, do you have any idea how worried I was about you?" His voice was reproaching, but not in a condemning way. Instead, it was strung with relief.

I smiled slightly. Ever since I had been a child, as long as I could remember, Akito had been there. Mother had trusted him. No, I corrected myself, Mother had loved him, and he had loved her. I do not think Akito knew that I knew that about him and Mother. I never mentioned it and neither did he, but I knew. "Gomen, Akito..." I smiled fully at him, watching his sarcastic face work its way into a smirk and then a smile.

"If you weren't the emperor, I'd have you flogged..." He paused. "Heika-sama."

I glanced towards the door, hearing the sound of voices just outside. The others had returned, the other seishi. We had found them all, and as soon as we retrieved Tamahome, we could call Suzaku. Smoothing out my robes and gesturing for Akito to follow me, I stepped out into the bright sunshine of the day.

"Where's Hotohori?" I heard a voice, Mitsukake.

"He slipped off a while ago..." someone answered him.

"Haven't you figured it out yet?" Nuriko's soft voice drifted through the morning air. "Hotohori-sama's the..."

I stepped into their view at that moment and watched their jaws drop to the ground. "Never mind, Nuriko."

"Welcome home, heika-sama!" exclaimed Chichiri cheerfully, popping out of nowhere.

"Th-th-th-the emperor?" the bandit blurted out, a look of horror creeping into his face as he remembered his actions of earlier and how we had met. Mitsukake regarded me with those strange silent eyes and nodded ever so slightly. Chiriko's wide eyes widened even more in amazement, perhaps, but something else that flickered for a moment and then was gone. Uncertainty? Doubt? Fear? I dismissed those thoughts and walked towards them.

Nuriko was smirking, standing slightly behind Miaka. She whispered something to him and the two of them dissolved into a quiet fit of girlish laughter. I smiled to myself and headed into the formalities through which we had to go.

It was at dinner that night that the biggest matter came out. Tamahome. It was Chichiri who told us we could talk with him, through the use of magic. Miaka's eyes widened, hope sparkling in them brightly. I glanced at Nuriko. He sat quietly, almost withdrawn from the conversation, wrapped within himself and whatever thoughts lay in his mind. I wondered what he was thinking, but it was not for me to know his thoughts. Miaka got up, knocking her chopsticks and empty bowl onto the floor. The room as a whole grimaced and she smiled apologetically before hurrying off to prepare herself for her meeting, her reunion with the one she loved.

Chichiri followed her out after a few moments, then Mitsukake and Chiriko left as well. It seemed the two of them got on well together. Tasuki sat muttering under his breath and casting sideways, suspicious looks my way. I smiled at him for the tenth time that night and his eyes widened. I should have said something more to assure him... but truthfully, I enjoyed watching him sweat a bit; he had no idea what to make of me. After a time even the bandit slunk out of the room nervously, watching me over his shoulder until the door was closed behind him.

Nuriko lingered in the room for another moment. In that time our eyes met for the briefest instant. It was amazing how his eyes spoke, whispering the very nature of his self, of his soul. He stood, bowed quickly, and headed for the door. I watched the closed door for a few moments, letting my thoughts take me. The candles flickered sporadically in the dim room.

Nuriko. I thought I understood then why I was falling in love with him. It was his laugh, his soft free laugh that came so frequently, so sweetly, over his lips. It was his way of being at ease with everyone, of making whomever he talked to feel comfortable. It was his smile, his bittersweet smile that transcended understanding, but that called for it, that dared you to comprehend it. It was the gentle way he conducted himself with everyone, so caring, so true.

It was his eyes.

I stood and once again straightened my robes, brushing dismally at the heavy fabric, and stepped outside onto the balcony that overlooked the palace corridors. I leaned against the railing, breathing in the night air, only barely mindful of the strange chill it brought as it settled on my skin, my arms, my face. Something hung in the moonless sky that night, a dark mist, almost foreboding. I shivered despite myself.

The other two figured detached themselves from the shadows and came to stand on either side of me. Tasuki and Nuriko. I glanced at each of them in turn, my eyes lingering a moment longer on Nuriko, his smooth, perfect features shadowed by the darkness. Someone said something- I do not recall exactly what- and at that moment, Miaka came sprinting down the corridor below us. I smiled to myself. She was running to her love.

Tasuki opened his big mouth again. "But I thought Miaka was in love with the emperor..." His eyes lit up. "Ah! Could it be a love triangle?" He was cut off from any other less than tactful comment by a driving force that propelled him into a nearby wall. I glanced at Nuriko who flashed me a quick, sweet smile.

"Shall we take leave of this jerk, heika-sama?" He glanced meaningfully at Tasuki who was rubbing his head and looking around dizzily. I nodded at him, turning away quickly from his penetrating gaze and smiling out at the darkness. We stood there a while in the sparkling night, leaning against the railing side by side and silent. I could feel his eyes upon me. I turned to face him but quickly turned away, after nearly losing myself in those deep mysterious eyes. Silence once again took us, but not the empty uncomfortable silence that needed filling. It was a complete silence in itself and I was content to just stay there, knowing he was beside me, but wishing... wishing I could tell him.

The next day came and passed. I was wrapped up in the daylight matters that plagued my position as emperor. The whole city was abuzz at the news of the gathering of the seishi and a decree of some sort needed to be made. And it was made, although it was a vague, sketchy decree at best. We were still uncertain, but our uncertainty would be ended when the night came.

Miaka went to Kutou with Chichiri. Tasuki accompanied them as well. Tactless though he was, he was brave, dedicated. I would give him that. We waited in anxious worry, talking amongst ourselves.

Useless. I felt so useless all over again.

They returned later that night together- Miaka, Chichiri, Tasuki- without Tamahome. Miaka had fled into my arms, sobbing, and I held her while she cried. He had turned against us. Our hopes, our plans, and our future crashed at our feet and shattered into a million small shards. Mitsukake healed Miaka's arm and we let her be. She was upset, frightened and she needed to be alone. We respected that and the rest of us filed away from her, leaving her alone in her room.

I retired to my vacant study and sat, resting with my thoughts, in the high-backed chair that had been my father's. I was almost dreaming awake when Nuriko entered the room quickly and knelt urgently beside me. At first I thought he might be a part of the dream that had been overtaking me, but such thoughts were abruptly cut short as he handed me a short note- in Miaka's handwriting. And he couldn't find Miaka.

I stood up frantically. "She wouldn't." I ran from the room, scared to death for Miaka, for my miko. Nuriko remained for a moment behind me. I assume he went to get the others, but at the moment, my mind was on saving Miaka. I reached the edge of the great body of water, screaming her name, not allowing the "what-ifs" buzzing through my mind to persist.

A shoe floated to the top of the water. Miaka's. Oh, gods, she was in the water. Without a second thought I jumped in after her. The darkness of the rolling waters were suddenly illuminated by a scarlet light as my ki gathered around me and flared. I saw her, tangled among weeds and unconscious. I scooped her into my arms and began back to the surface and back to shore.

The others were there, relief flooding their eyes. I cradled the motionless body of my miko, thanking the gods that she still breathed. I glanced up and saw Nuriko watching me, a strange mix of emotions reflected in his face. Was it fear? Hope? A wistful longing? For what, I could only begin to imagine.

Still dripping wet, I stood and carried Miaka back to her room, seeing her safely tended to and put into bed. I sat beside her, watching her, watching each breath she drew, until she awoke.

That was when it happened, when my whole world came crashing in on me at once. When everything I had once dreamed for, once longed for was brought before me, but I could not accept it.

"I can try to love you now, Hotohori." Her soft voice was weighted down with sadness and I had not seen it coming. I blinked, amazed. She... she would try to love me... I...

I would have given anything to hear that such a short time ago, but I knew it would never come, knew it could never be. And now I... I did not love her like that.

Nuriko. His face came into my mind, eyes so distant, secret, sad, seeking something. That half-smile that told of mysteries at which I could only guess flashed before my eyes.

And Miaka was kissing me. I do not know how it happened, but she was kissing me and I, shocked, unwilling to hurt her and so confused, was kissing back. It was a few moments. I do not know which one of us pushed away first, but someone did. I looked at her for a long minute, feeling so guilty. I knew she truly did not love me, but she had been hurt by Tamahome. I could not tell her I did not love her. I couldn't do that to her, not after everything she had just been through. But... my heart pulled inside me, wrenching until it was almost physically painful. I could not love her- my heart was somewhere else. I pushed her back onto the bed gently, bringing the covers over her carefully, tucking them in closely.

"Shhh..." I whispered, smoothing back her hair. "Sleep now, Miaka."

I sat beside her until I was sure she was asleep. Her face was so sad, even in sleep. I did not know what to do. I needed to talk to someone... and the name that came to my mind was Nuriko. He would listen, he would know what to do. He had to.

I stood silently and turned away from a dream whose time had passed and left the room, heading towards Nuriko's, barely aware of the late hour. Gathering all the courage I had left, I lifted my hand and knocked on his door softly, praying he was in.
 
 

I tossed the clothes on the bed, not really caring where they landed. I was worried about Miaka, and very uncomfortable in the men's clothes I still wore, humming to myself a song my mother had taught me long ago to calm myself. My sister had loved this song and it always made me smile even now. I was wondering how Hotohori-sama and Miaka were doing. It must have been rather abrupt on both of them to have Tamahome turn against us. It had shocked me as well, that Tama-chan could forget such a thing as his feelings. But I was certain that everything would work out. Love was on our side.

I took another pair of pants out of my bag and sighed quietly. I should try drowning...

You'd just end up drowning...

I don't suppose Tasuki had realized how much those words had hurt- because of the truth I saw in them. But I would remember these last few days with her with joy, no matter what happened.

There was a quiet knock on my door and I glanced up, the pants still in my hands. "Come in!" I called, wondering who would be up so late, as well as would knock on my door.

The door opened slowly, the frame bordering a tall shadow. "I'm sorry for coming so late at night..."

I'm sure my face lit up. I could feel the smile starting unbidden on my face, but I didn't mind. I was delighted to see her. "Hotohori-sama!" I then stopped. Something wasn't right. She was upset. "What's wrong?

She paused for a minute, hovering in the doorway. "I... I didn't know who else I could talk to..." Her voice was quiet and sounded almost afraid. "I'm sorry for bothering you." She looked very uncomfortable.

I gave her a little smile. "You're never a bother." I glanced around my room and realized that the only place there was to sit was the bed. Why hadn't I ever thought of getting chairs?? There was only the little one by the mirror, and that was covered in clothes I had to put away. Cursing myself silently, I gestured to the bed. "Would you like to sit? My room is in a sort of disrepair at this point..." I shoved some clothes off the bed, tossing them onto the already-piled-high chair.

She did accept my offer, and sat down on the place I had cleared. Her hands were clasped tightly in front of her. "Thank you." She was quiet a moment. "It's Miaka."

Of course. It would be. I nodded and picked a few clothes off the bed, turning to my closet and putting them away. "I figured. What happened?" I half-turned, looking back at her.

Her voice was still low, soft. "After what happened... she's given up on Tamahome. She said she'd... she'd... try to love me..." She looked up at me, pale, her eyes stricken. "But I can't... I can't love her like that... I don't want to hurt her, but I can't." She dropped her eyes from me.

I slowly turned my entire body to face her, trying to keep my thoughts hidden from her. This had been her dream... and she was denying it? Her love for the unnamed person must be strong. I swallowed, watching any chance I thought I might have had dwindle and vanish into utter nothingness. "Hotohori-sama... are you sure? Isn't this what you wanted before?" I moved silently over beside her, seating myself, and watched her. My heart was conflicting. She loved someone else, yet she had come to me for advice. At least she still valued me as a friend. I would be happy with that. "Maybe... maybe you just need time to think about it."

She shook her head. "Before... I thought I wanted this, but it wasn't supposed to happen..." Her voice trailed off and she didn't look up.

I still watched her. "The safest person to love," I said softly. "It's because of the person you love now, isn't it? The one of whom you spoke before."

She looked up at me, almost suddenly, a little too controlled, her dark eyes shining with something that I could not read in the half-darkness. "Hai..." I guessed that she had told few people that she actually cared for someone. That made me feel good, to know that she trusted me that much. But I'd have to be happy as her friend and no more. I couldn't afford to ask for more with so little time with her remaining.

I looked away and stood up, gathering a few more articles of clothing and placing them in a box in the corner. The maids would take those away to wash them. I then turned around, leaning against the wall, my long braid caught up in my hands. I twisted it silently a moment, watching her. "Well... what you do is up to you."

She nodded slowly. "I know." Her eyes raised and looked to me. "Thank you for listening to me... I appreciate it."

I met her eyes, my voice quiet. "Would you like to know what I would do?"

She nodded, her eyes not leaving mine. I found that strange, but wasn't complaining. "Yes."

My voice was steady. "I would follow my heart." I gave her a small smile. "I always have." My smile turned rather wry. "It's gotten me into a lot of trouble in the past though."

She smiled at me, her eyes a little distant, and I wondered what she was thinking about, but then her expression switched to very serious. "I think you're right though," she said, her voice quiet and open. "If you aren't true to yourself, everything you do is a lie, ne?"

I met her eyes again, my gaze unwavering. "Much of my life is a lie anyway." I lowered my eyes. "Except my heart. Perhaps that is why it is so important to me."

She nodded, understanding crossing her face, and continued to watch me silently. I didn't want to start squirming, but her gaze on me felt too discerning.

I sighed quietly and went back, seating myself on the bed again, but at the opposite end of it. "Do you know what you are going to tell her?"

She shook her head. "No..." She paused a moment, reflecting. "Or maybe I just don't know how to tell her."

I made my voice as gentle as I could. "What about just telling her the truth? Tell her that you are in love with someone. She'll understand. She only wants your happiness..." Like I do, I finished silently.

She nodded, keeping her eyes lowered. "I just don't want to hurt her."

I tried to meet her eyes, to convince her of what I saw as truth. "I think not telling her would hurt her more."

She looked up at me finally, her dark eyes almost scared. "You're right."

I gave her a little smile. "I know it will be fine." My smile suddenly turned into a smirk. "And of course I'm right."

She laughed quietly at this, her tenseness broken for a second. "Of course."

I studied her silently, seriously, for a moment, my mood suddenly solemn again. The moonlight was wafting in through the window, tracing light softly onto her delicate face, over her high cheekbones, firm under her pale skin, over her elegant lips resting together comfortably, over her rich, long hair, ebon in the night, trickling over her shoulders, over her dark eyes, causing them to shine brightly in the darkness, more full of emotion than I had ever seen them. My voice was quiet. "You really are beautiful, you know."

She glanced up, giving me a curious look. My eyes widened. Why had I said that?? Refraining myself from suicide, I forced my face to remain normal, or at least close to it. "Th-thank you..." she said, looking a little confused.

I gave her a half-smile, trying to cover my embarrassment. "Gomen... just a passing thought." I decided to switch the topic. No need to dwell on my big mouth. "Do you think what I do is wrong?"

She looked confused again. I wondered if I should start keeping score. "What you do?"

I nodded slowly, moving my eyes away from her. "Yes... my cross-dressing." I could see her out of the corner of my eye and the darkness I was in helped obscure my face. Her features were still lit by the moonlight.

She raised an eyebrow at me. "I'm not one to make judgments on that subject... but no."

I kept my eyes away from her. "Many people do. I mean, you have a reason for it, for yourself."

She kept her voice quiet. "There's usually a reason for everything."

I nodded slowly, and turned my eyes to the wall across from me, watching how the shadows from the trees and the moonlight danced over it with passing breezes. "Yes."

I could feel her eyes on me, studying me. She seemed to be watching my eyes, as if she wanted to meet them with hers. "I know it's a personal question... but what is yours?"

I looked at her for a brief instant, meeting her eyes at last, then looking away almost immediately. My voice was faint. "When... when I was ten... my little sister was... killed... in front of my eyes..." My hands clenched, recalling the helplessness I had felt.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw her eyes widen. She was silent, so I continued almost blindly, unable now to stop. "We were so alike, Kourin and I, best friends, really. And when she died, I..." I stopped, taking my braid into my hand, playing with the end of it for comfort. "I became her to live for her."

"For her..." She looked at me and reached across the bed, resting a gentle hand on my arm, trying to reassure me. She continued to watch me silently.

I looked at her, surprise in my eyes. I hadn't expected her to react quite like that. I had been imagining more of a nod and a subject change, which is what had always happened when I was younger, to both my brother and myself. "Hotohori-sama..."

She just smiled at me slightly, a bit sadly, and shook her head, looking as if she had rethought what she had been about to say.

I looked away again. "That's it. That's my secret." I paused, silent. "I've never told anyone that."

She seemed a bit surprised. "I'm... glad you told me." She was still a second. "I'm sorry... if I brought back painful memories though."

I shook my head slowly. "I'm not sorry." And I wasn't. There was no one that I would rather tell about myself than her, the one about whom I wanted to know everything and whom I wanted to know everything about me. I gave her a small smile. "I'm glad it was you."

She looked a little thrown off at that, unsure what to say. "Thank you..." It was then that she seemed to realize her hand was still on my arm. I watched her pull it away, having relished her touch for the few moments that I had it.

I shifted my weight, leaning against the head of the bed, turning to face her, and tucking my legs beneath me. "And you? Surely the emperor was young as well." I tilted my head to the side, looking at her. "And has secrets." I flashed her a grin. "It's only fair... but I suppose your secrets are much more interesting than mine."

She half-grinned back at me. "My childhood was uneventful. Mother wouldn't let me play with the other children too much... in case they found out."

I nodded. "Seems logical."

She nodded back in agreement. "It was very logical, and I suppose it worked." Her eyes looked a bit distant again.

I gave her another grin. "I ruined that, didn't I?"

She smiled at nothing in particular. "Yes, you did." She laughed softly. "But I'm glad you did."

I turned my eyes to her, surprise, I'm sure, again very readable in them. "You are? Why?"

She looked away. "I can be myself with you..." She glanced back to me and her voice was quiet. "And you don't judge me."

I blinked, confused. "Judge you for what?"

"For being who I am," she said softly, "for being who I really am. Or for my secret."

I blinked again, still lost as to her meaning. "Why would I?"

"Because many people do... the fact that you don't see why..." She smiled that smile at me and I was startled. I hadn't seen it in so long, it felt. "It speaks much for you."

I watched her in the dark room, half-thrilled and half-confused, quiet. "Ne... Hotohori-sama... why Miaka?"

She smiled, reminiscence drifting over her face. "It's a very long story, I suppose... Suzaku no Miko and her legend... I heard it when I was still little..."

I smiled to myself, picturing her as a child. "I wish I could have known you when you were little. You... probably would have liked my sister. What happened then?"

She shrugged. "There really isn't much to tell. The girl from the legend... I thought maybe, maybe she'd see me for who I am... maybe she wouldn't care about my secret..." She laughed softly. "When I was little, I thought maybe she could actually be my friend."

I kept my tone gentle. "You had no friends?"

She shrugged again. "There was always Akito."

That name brought to mind other matters and I frowned slightly. "Why is he going around asking questions about me? Yumi said that he had asked her several different things a few times." The maid had come up to me this morning and told me, her eyes a little worried. She had given me specifics about what he had asked her, and I was clueless why he would bother.

I thought I saw her flush slightly in the dim light. "Probably because you know my secret and he's a suspicious old man."

I sighed. "I'm not going to tell anyone. But she said they were odd questions. Whether I'm a neat person or not. Whether I have good table manners or not." I'm sure my face looked as puzzled as I felt. "What my favorite color, flower, and dress styles are."

She shook her head. "I'll speak to him about that."

I gave her a quick smile. "I'm just curious as to why... that's all."

She nodded, looking a bit nervous.

I waited for a reply and got none, so decided to strike out a new topic myself. "You'll be all right... about Miaka?"

She nodded again, but this time gave me an answer. "I hope so." Her dark eyes still looked worried, but less so than when she had first entered my room.

I gave her a warm smile. "Just tell her the truth and you'll be fine."

She smiled a little back. "I will." I felt her eyes on me, almost studying me, a moment more. "Thank you."

It was almost uncomfortable, having her watch me that long, but I smiled at her. I think my face held that uneasiness in it, but I hoped it was hard to pick up in the dark room. "Anytime. I'll still be here if you need me later." I suddenly yawned and then laughed. "I might be asleep though."

She blinked, the realization of how late it actually was dawning on her. "Oh, I'm sorry!! I'm keeping you up!" She stood hurriedly, looking ashamed.

I laughed, a sad smile crossing my face. "Hotohori-sama, I'd rather talk to you than sleep any time." Especially now that it was drawing near for me to never see her again. I stood as well. "But you need to rest because you have to make important decisions." I gave her a faint smile. "All I have to do is decide which dress to wear tomorrow."

She shook her head slightly, smiling back. "In any case, I will leave you to rest now." She walked toward the door slowly, stepping quietly across the wooden floor. Her long thick robes concealed her body very well. I vaguely wondered if she had the curves of a woman, then blushed, banishing that thought from my mind. "Oyasumi, Nuriko."

I remained where I was, watching her graceful movements, almost those of a dancer in a dream, despite her heavy clothing. "Oyasumi, heika-sama."

She stepped out of my room slowly, turning back to glance at me once, her eyes meeting mine, and then the door was shut between us.

My hand went immediately to the place she had laid her hand on my arm. She had touched me, of her own free will. My own hand mimicked the feeling I had had, and I suddenly sighed, dropping my hand. Foolish dreams again.

I changed into my nightclothes and went to bed.
 
 

Nuriko's words still whirled through my mind as I sat beside Miaka, watching her sleep. Follow your heart... but I could not- not completely. I would tell Miaka, when she awoke, that I could not love her like that, that I could not love her as Tamahome had. But I could not tell the one to whom I had lost my heart that I loved him. Nuriko loved someone already. I shut my eyes, leaning back in the chair I had taken for the night, letting my thoughts wander. The cold feeling of uncertainty, of fear that had plagued me earlier was gone, driven away by Nuriko's reassurance, his advice.

He had said I was beautiful.

I had heard it before, people telling me I was beautiful, and it was true, but hearing it from him... Perhaps I was being foolish- I certainly sounded it to myself- but the feeling that crept over me when I remembered his words, was almost a blush... almost. I drifted off to sleep, my mind still clouded with confusion that seemed to center around that familiar smiling face.

I awoke the next morning to see Miaka watching me, her dark eyes blinking in the morning light. I smiled at her slightly and opened my mouth. I would tell her now. But a pounding at the door announced I was not allowed to. ”There's an intruder in the palace!"

I stood, my robes falling in a swirl around me as I did so. "Who is it?" I asked, although I already knew the answer to the question; it was nestled in a swarm of dread in the back of my mind.

"It's Tamahome-sama, the Suzaku shichiseishi!"

Almost without thinking I dragged Miaka into another room, shut the door and secured it with a large wooden plank. I knew why Tamahome was here- he was here for Miaka. He was here to kill her.

The rain beat down softly, unrelenting, making everything seem to be wrapped in a dreary mist. The world moved in slow motion. I faced my opponent, the two of us circling around each other on the tips of our feet. Tamahome had come back, but it was not the Tamahome any of us remembered. His eyes were hard and shone with a dangerous threatening gleam. He had come back to kill Miaka, but we would not allow that. I would not allow that. The others had gathered around us and they watched in silence as we went through the deadly dance of feint, strike, dodge, and strike again. The rain fell into my eyes as I brought my blade up to block his. He pulled away and leaped into the air, jumping at me for a killing stroke. Without thinking, I raised my sword and watched the blade pass through him. He fell, crumpling to the ground. His blood mingled with the rain water as he lay, struggling for breath. Miaka appeared then, running to her love despite the danger, despite the fact that he had turned against her.

And suddenly, the mark of Suzaku glowed upon his forehead, the same color as his spilled blood. I watched as the impossible happened. As though from the grave, Tamahome returned, his eyes normal, his voice steady, as it had been of old.

I turned to leave them as Mitsukake was bent over Tamahome, the healing light radiating from his hand. All eyes were on our returned friend, all eyes except one pair. Nuriko was watching me silently, his arms wrapped tightly around himself, the rain touching his cheeks, his hair, his lips. Even in the grayness he managed to shine with a vibrant brightness. A small smile was creeping across his face. Someone called his name and he turned away from me to look towards the others. Before he could look back, before I could be caught once again under the spell of his eyes, I turned away and walked to my room.

The room was growing dim with the onslaught of dusk. I had left the others in their rejoicing and come to spend time with my own thoughts in my throne room. The stiff back of the chair was cool from the damp air that had settled over the land. The creaking of the door announced the entrance of someone into the throne room. I glanced up and saw Akito coming, his straight tall frame that defied the stoop of old age walking towards me quickly, soundlessly.

"Heika-sama." He nodded his head in something that could have been mistaken for a bow in any other man.

I nodded towards him as well. "Akito..." His eyes were nearly glittering with something; I could not say what exactly.

Pushing back his snow-white hair from his face, he looked at me for a moment. "The seishi have been gathered. You'll call Suzaku soon, ne? Everything is coming together finally." He was being far too sedate, far too... unsarcastic. "Everything except one thing..." There it was, the exception.

Raising an eyebrow I caught his eyes. "And that one thing would be?"

He sighed. "You." His sharp piercing eyes looked straight through me, making me shiver. "Marriage, an heir... the emperor has to provide an heir to the throne."

I nodded vaguely. I had heard this before, many times. "I know... but, Akito, you know it is not that easy, I-"

He raised a hand cutting me off. "Yes, it is, Sai-chan. Nuriko-san. He-"

"No." This time I interrupted him, not letting him say anything further. My voice was hard, angry, more so than I could ever remember being with him before.

“It’s what’s best for the country, for everyone. You know that.”

“It’s not what’s best for everyone. Nuriko loves someone already. I will not trap him into that. I won’t.” I was very nearly yelling. How could Akito even suggest such a thing??

“Heika-sama, you would put the desires of one man over the well being of the entire country?” he asked, his voice rising as well.

“Yes.” And I would. If I asked Nuriko to marry me, he would. He would out of a sense of duty; I was sure of that. I was the emperor, he was a court princess. But I would not put him in that situation. I could not do that to him. Not to him. I…

“Why?” He stepped closer to me, looking me straight in the eye, daring me to provide him with some sort of answer.

I wanted to scream at him. I was angry, furious, but not just at Akito. I was angry at myself, because I couldn’t, because… because… “Because I love him!” I blurted it out, mostly without thinking, catching it only after the words had escaped my lips. I bit my lip and looked at Akito, expecting a shocked glare, a snide comment, anything, anything but what I got.

“I know, Sai-chan…” he said, his voice dropping to a quiet level, almost a whisper. His eyes met mine, a sad understanding lingering in them. “I know.”

My eyes widened. “You… you know? I… how?”

He smiled, ever so slightly. “The way you’ve been acting whenever he’s around… You kept the flowers he gave you.” He paused. “You smile more when he’s around… and it’s that smile.” He paused again, his eyes looking far away. “Like your mother’s smile…” He shook his head. “And you’ve been distant lately… always off in your own world- more so than usual.” A half-smirk began on his face, but it faded into a sad smile. “And just the way you look at him, Sai-chan.”

I watched him silently, the anger having drained from my system. “I… I had not realized it was that obvious.”

“It isn’t…” he assured me, laying one of his still-strong old hands on my arm. “But I know what a hidden love looks like… the secret smiles, keeping trinkets, using any excuse to meet… any time…” His eyes grew distant and it seemed as though a memory had overtaken him. “I’ve been there, Sai-chan…”

“With my mother?” I asked quietly, wondering what he’d say to that, wondering if he’d be angry, surprised or something else all together.

He raised an eyebrow at me in question, doubt flickering in his sharp eyes but quickly disappearing. “Yes,” he answered quietly, nodding. “I… I know what it is like, but you have to believe me on this one, Sai-chan… heika-sama, it would be for the best to marry Nuriko-san. For the sake of everyone, some sacrifices have to be made. You know that.”

And I did. I knew that all too well. I was used to sacrifices, but I could not force them on others as easily as I made them myself. Still… Akito was right. I knew that. I did not want to accept it.

“You know it’s true, Sai-chan…” He squeezed my arm and stepped back. “Ask him…”

I looked at him for a moment, studying his old familiar face. There was such a sadness in his eyes, a sadness that I could not remember seeing before. I nodded. “Hai… I… I’ll ask him. Tonight.”

Akito nodded and smiled a bit, a smile that was neither happy nor pleased. “Gomen, but it truly is for the best.”

I nodded again silently as he slipped out of the room. I wanted to cry. Not for myself, but for what I would be doing… to Nuriko.

But the tears did not come. Mother had always said crying helped nothing, and I suppose she, of all people, knew that to be true.
 
 

The scent of the flowers drifted through my window on the night breeze as I pulled my nightshirt over my head. It was late, but I was still awake. The only thing there was to do, however, was sleep. I wandered over to the mirror, gazing at myself plaintively. Messy hair...
 
 

I stood at his door, just breathing, wishing I did not have to be there. Perhaps if I just turned away now… but no. If not now then tomorrow or some other time. There could be no escape, only putting it off. After what seemed an eternity, a minute or so at most, I knocked on the door quietly, waiting for him to answer.
 
 

I was brushing my hair at the mirror when I heard the knock on the door. I was in such a good mood, even if I was a little bored. Tamahome was back and Miaka had been so happy. Everything had turned out all right. "Hai, come in!" I called out cheerily, pleased to have a visitor to entertain me tonight.

The door cracked open and I glanced over, the brush still in my hand, my hair loose and wavy about my shoulders and trailing down my back. It was Hotohori-sama again. "Konban wa..." Her voice did not nearly match mine in cheerfulness.

I smiled at her happily. "Konban wa, Hotohori-sama! How are you this fine evening? You're not hurt, are you?" My brightness dimmed for a moment as I remembered the duel she had fought with Tamahome. It hadn't looked like she had gotten hurt, but they had moved faster than my eyes could follow.
 
 

I shook my head and smiled a bit awkwardly, wishing he were not so kind, so concerned. “Iie, I'm not hurt...” I paused. “How are you?” I wanted to laugh, but any laugh would have been bitter. There was nothing funny at all this night.

He grinned, flipping part of his loose hair over his shoulder where it cascaded in soft violet waves, like a waterfall. “I'm fine. You were so amazing today! I've never seen anyone move so fast!”

The smile crept to my face unconsciously. It was so hard not to smile when he was. “Thank you... I suppose my practicing paid off...”
 
 

I was excited. I felt almost like a child in my joy, but it was deeper than that. I was so proud of her. "And everything turned out so perfectly! They're back together and we have all seven seishi now!" I grinned at her then froze, suddenly realizing I was in my nightclothes. I nearly flew to my closet and yanked out a robe, hurriedly putting it on. I flashed her a quick, shy smile. "Sorry."
 
 

I smiled fully this time, slightly surprised at how quickly Nuriko had managed to don the robe. I had never seen anyone fly into clothing that quickly before. “Hai. Now all that is left is to call Suzaku.” Gods… was I really going to ask him? Could I?

He looked a little upset suddenly. “I... I almost don't want to call Suzaku...” His voice was soft, held down for a moment by his thoughts.

Had I said something to upset him? “Why not?” I asked quietly, watching him.
 
 

How could I explain what she meant to me? I looked down and away from her. "Well... because I have to leave the palace after that." And you, Hotohori-sama, I whispered to myself silently.

She also looked away, discomfort obvious on her face. "I think we need to talk about that..."

I blinked and looked up at her. "Talk about that? Me leaving? Why?" I had forgotten I was an advisor. Perhaps she wanted me to stay because of that. I should have asked permission first, of course, but I hadn't expected any disagreement.
 
 

I was still looking away. I could not face him. What I was about to do to him… “I... that is... Oh, gods.” I paused. How could I do this to him? I loved him. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see him. He looked so confused, wide eyes questioning, so vulnerable, innocent. I sighed to myself. “Nuriko, I have to ask you something, and I want an honest answer, true to what you want.” I began nervously fidling with my robes, trying to take out my frustration on the fabric.
 
 

I noticed how uncomfortable she was and frowned slightly. What was going on? Worry started to creep into my throat. "Hotohori-sama? What's wrong? Of course I'll be honest with you."

She sighed softly. "It may not be an easy question..." Her hands were clutching at the fabric of her robes. "Nuriko..." She looked up, but not at me; instead, she glanced around, as if she feared listeners.

I took a step toward her, very worried now. "Hotohori-sama, are you all right?"
 
 

I nodded, looking at him for the first time in a while. “I'm fine.” I studied him for a moment silently.

He blinked under my gaze, his violet eyes meeting my own. Once again I found that I was losing myself in those eyes. “Hotohori-sama?”

Something like determination flashed across my face. I had to do this. Waiting was only making it worse for him, and for myself. “Nuriko...” I lowered my eyes to the floor, gathering myself together. A moment later I looked up again, meeting his eyes, my voice quiet but steady. “Will you marry me? It... it would work... but this is your choice, fully.” I wondered how true that was. I hoped he would say no if he loved another, but in the back of my mind… I knew otherwise. He was trapped.
 
 

I blinked, staring at her with a rather stunned look on my face. Everything suddenly fell into place, everything that I had refused to let myself see- why Akito had been asking questions about me, why he had suggested our compatibility before to me, why I had not yet been killed for knowing her secret, whether with her permission or not. I just looked up at her, unsure what to do or say. Marry??
 
 

I watched him silently a moment, keeping my gaze steady, but then I ripped my eyes away, waiting for a response of any kind. I felt horrible. Why had I done this to him? I loved him. I was trapping the one I loved, cornering him into a choice that I was unsure was really his.
 
 

My voice was shaky. "You... want me... to marry you?"

She glanced back at me and nodded slowly. "Yes," she said softly, and I wondered if that was true. She couldn't really want me. After all, she was already in love. This had to be Akito's work. It would continue the façade that she needed kept, except I would stand in the way of her dreams. She loved another. But then, she nearly interrupted herself hurriedly as she spoke. "But as I said, the decision is yours."

I suddenly felt completely calm about this. I had known it all along, but I had just tried to ignore it. My voice matched hers, soft and gentle. "Hai. I will."
 
 

I looked at him, meeting his eyes and nodded slowly again. His face was a mask but his voice betrayed him. It had not been his choice. He was agreeing out of duty. Duty. I forced a small shaky smile that was sad at best. “Thank you...”
 
 

I didn't smile back. I'm sure my eyes held the sadness I felt in my heart. I had waited so long for those words, all my life, but not like this. I didn't want it this way. "Akito-san will be happy then." I paused for a moment, looking up at her. "Will you?" How could she ever be? I couldn't make her happy, no matter how hard I tried, if it were not me that she loved. Everything would be a complicated charade and she would end up resenting me for keeping her from her dreams.
 
 

I watched him, seeing the sadness in his eyes and knowing that I had caused it. My own eyes reflected the sadness in Nuriko’s. “Hai.”

He nodded once, his voice serious and quiet, but too controlled. “Then I will be too.”

I nearly flinched, just watching him sadly. What had I done to him? I nodded slightly, vaguely, at nothing in particular. “There... there will have to be an announcement made soon... I do not know how the rest of the harem will react... Will you be all right?”
 
 

I nodded slowly. "I don't fear physical danger anyway." I suddenly started. "Oh no... I already sent the letter to my brother to tell him to prepare the room for me..." I looked at her helplessly. "What should I tell him?" Aniki, I'm marrying the emperor. Yes, I realize I'm a man. That wouldn't do at all!!

She looked at me directly in the eyes, penetratingly. "The truth."

I paused a moment and then nodded slowly. "I will then." My next words were sudden, seemingly random. "Chou Kourin."
 
 

I blinked, caught of guard. “What?”

Apprehension flashed across his face, centering in his eyes. “For... for the announcement. Please.”

Recognition of the name flitted into my mind. “Of course.”
 
 

I watched her for a moment, then lowered my eyes. "Thank you." She would live through me. Not that the emperor knew me by any other name, but I needed reassurance.

She nodded and stepped toward the door. "The gifts will be sent to your brother tomorrow. I'll leave you then..." She was half-way out of the room. "Goodnight."

My voice was soft. "Sweet dreams, heika-sama." I knew I certainly would not sleep this night.
 
 

I shut the door behind me, waiting to hear it click shut, and whispered to the closed portal, a soft, inaudible apology. “I'm sorry...” I walked away slowly, my feet and heart heavy.
 
 

I slowly sank to my knees in the room, silent and stunned, gazing at the closed door, feeling completely empty. Any trace of my good mood had vanished entirely. My voice was a rustle of a skirt, a rush of a breeze, a whisper in the night air. "Hotohori-sama..."
 
 

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