I gazed at the flames. They danced and spun, reaching and jumping up in suicidal leaps. The embers crackled wildly, the only sound in the silent room. The others would be coming soon, any moment now. I glanced about the darkened room. We would be calling Suzaku today, and everything would be turned right. Everything would be over.

Nuriko.

He had agreed to marry me. I… perhaps I should have been happy. I did love him, but I… He loved someone else. I shut my eyes and shook my head. That sudden sadness that had come to his face. It was my fault. I had caused it, and despite how much I wanted to, despite wishing to with all my heart, I could not fix it. I was useless. The only thing I could do was hurt him more.

I tried to tell myself that it would all turn out, that somehow it would be all right. But it would not. He had agreed out of duty, not out of any feeling. And I could not even tell him how I felt. I couldn't.

The others began entering at that moment, Chichiri and Tasuki first, the masked monk guiding the bandit and talking cheerfully about the ceremony. Chiriko followed behind them looking lost, uncertain, almost wary. I smiled slightly to myself. He was so young, even though I was only three years older, so caught up in the excitement of all of this. I suppose we all were. Mitsukake wandered in next, a silent shadow, the cat on his shoulder announcing his arrival. Tamahome was next, being quiet for once.

And Nuriko was last. He walked in slowly, glancing around, his beautiful face lit with awe at the room. The flame light reflected in his eyes as he glanced at me and flashed me a wary smile. I smiled back slightly and glanced away. Would we pretend that all was normal? Could we?

Miaka walked in, the flowing fabric of her miko robes swishing around her feet. She stepped towards the center of the room, silent. I glanced around. Now. We were ready. I looked around one last time and called out. "Everyone ready yourselves. When the miko begins to read..."
 
 

"... relax and keep your ki under control and open," she was saying.

I turned my attention away from my thoughts and to the emperor for a minute, studying her, then lowered my eyes. There had not been a time for us to talk since she had asked me. The announcement had been made to the harem and the town, to the entire province, yet none of the other seishi had said anything yet. Had they not heard? It didn't really matter. They would hear soon enough. I could imagine their shock and outrage. I suppose they would think that because Hotohori-sama could not have Miaka that she would marry me to escape from other possible marriage contracts- ones that would necessitate sexual relations. Yet if we were both men, then it would be impossible and the emperor would not have to worry about that or pressure to marry. They still didn't know her secret. I could just envision their faces...

I suddenly realized what the emperor was asking of us, and it seemed Tasuki caught my thought. "That'll leave us defenseless!" the bandit protested. He was right. If each of us had our ki as opened and relaxed as she had asked, we would have no protection. But that shouldn't have been a concern. All the Suzaku seishi were assembled.

"If we're attacked, we'll be killed," I said quietly. I was worried and I didn't know why. It was bothering me. It wasn't that I doubted Hotohori-sama's judgment, but being a female for so many years had taught me not to doubt my intuition. And that kanji that had appeared in the mirror, the kanji for "wisdom." What had that been? I had not told Hotohori-sama and I wondered if I should have.

Chichiri reassured us all, most specifically Miaka. "It'll be all right, Miaka-chan! Just repeat what I say."

I was lost in thought again. A long time ago, when I thought Hotohori-sama was a man, I had planned to ask Miaka to change me into a woman so that I would at least have a tiny chance for the emperor's heart. But that didn't matter now- I was going to marry her and I would not have her heart. I prayed that we would stay friends, even though it would be very uncomfortable for both of us. And then her voice rang out through the sanctuary. "Pray!"

I looked at her out of the corner of my eye, trying not to be obvious. So perfect, so beautiful, so inaccessible to me. Part of me wanted to ask Miaka to wish Hotohori-sama to love me, but I knew I would never be happy if that happened. I wanted her to love me of her own free will, as I loved her.

It had started.

"The Four Directions of the Sky, by using the Way, Mind, and Goodness, please call Suzaku, the Protector of the South," Miaka intoned, her light voice strong.

I shivered. Something was wrong. No... everything was wrong. How could I ever make her happy? I wouldn't be anything more to her than a night companion, fathering her children. I wanted to cry and knew I could not. Why did I have to love her so much?

"Now I will complete the words. From the sky to the earth, come to us physically. Through the Ultimates, please make extinct every kind of evil. By using your godly powers, protect us. Only I wish. Please listen to this: please come down to us from the sky!" And it was done.

Silence. Awful, despairing silence, save the snap of the flames.

Tamahome was the first to speak. "Why? Nothing came!!" His voice was filled with anger.

That was when the flute started playing.

I cried out, pain searing through my head. I could hear sounds of hurt from the others and vaguely saw Miaka talking to Chiriko, trying to discover what was wrong.

"You have failed. You can no longer call Suzaku." His voice was cold and clear, distant, so unlike the normal gentleness that I had seen in him.

The flute had left a haunting melody pouring through my ears, obscuring my hearing. Everything was blurred. I wanted to try to help Miaka, to help Hotohori-sama, but it was so difficult to even move. I lifted my eyes to him and even that was a strain.

"Being too kind was your weakness. But it's all over for you." The boy whom we had thought was Chiriko gave us a slight smirk. He had us at his mercy, and both we and he knew it.

Tamahome seemed to still have energy. "Bastard!! You've got to be Seiryuu's!"

Tasuki was enraged. "Rekka shinen!" he flung out, but the flames didn't seem to harm him at all.

"Seiryuu shichiseishi... Amiboshi," he said simply. I watched, helpless, as he raised the flute to his lips.

The music ripped a hole through my brain, searing black lights into my eyes. I cried out and fell to my knees. Darkness and light were whirling together, my vision disappearing into the void of pain. I felt my hands touch something, fabric, perhaps a sleeve, and gripped it tightly. It was a tangible link to reality, away from the pain, and I had to have it. It hurt, it hurt, didn't he realize how much it hurt?

But it wasn't just physical. Images flashed across my mind, seeing all the suffering I had lived through in my life. I saw my sister, the cart, the blood... I saw my father, furious when he first saw me wearing her clothes... I saw myself, my first glimpse of Hotohori-sama when I was presented at court... I saw the rejection in her eyes, whom I thought then were the eyes of a man... I saw the lonely nights that I spent waiting, wondering if the emperor would ever notice me... I saw the longer nights that I couldn't sleep because I was crying too hard... I saw the broken wishes for the love of the ruler of the country, knowing I could never get it, knowing that whatever I tried was empty, knowing that despite my lies, despite everything I tried to pretend, I was nothing, and never would be more.

It was then that another tune wound itself around the agonizing melody of our lost companion. I was still immobile when he stopped playing and looked around.

"Impossible! My magic has been broken!" he exclaimed angrily, and it was only a second before Tamahome had reached him and had kicked him across the face. I opened my eyes, still dizzy from his spell. Amiboshi had fled out the door and I could hear the footsteps of those running after him.

"Matte!" Tamahome yelled. I tried not to smile ironically. If someone were chasing after me with an intent to kill me, I certainly wouldn't wait.

"I'm with you!" shouted Tasuki, following after his friend. They would take care of it. I was confident in them. Woozy, I turned to see what it was that I had in my hand. It was indeed a sleeve- and it was a royal sleeve.
 
 

The painful music had ceased, but my head still swam and my vision was clouded. It had hurt so much, the way the tune of the flute had torn through my mind and drilled into my very being. The cries of the others had only added to the pain, blending with the sound of anguish that the wicked instrument sent forth. I opened my eyes hesitantly, waiting for the dizzy feeling to go away. A hand was clutching tightly to my sleeve

Nuriko dropped my sleeve and pulled his hand away quickly as though he had been burned. "Ah! Gomen ne!" His face looked surprised, and he swayed dizzily even on his knees. I almost reached out to steady him, but stopped myself before I did.

Shaking my head slightly I blinked, glancing around through blurry eyes, still so dizzy from the pain. "What? Why are you apologizing?" I asked confused. His face was drawn with pain that was just now fading, leaving only a haunted glow in his eyes.

A moment passed in silence and he simply looked at me a bit unsure. "Are you all right, Hotohori-sama?"

I nodded, trying to clear my head of the ache and the sense of fogginess that had settled into it and turned my eyes to Nuriko. "Hai... are you?" A wave of worry washed over me, only adding to the dizziness I was feeling. Was he all right?

He nodded, pushing back his thick hair and glancing behind him. "Mitsukake?" I followed his gaze, Mitsukake was. The tall man was doubled over holding his head. I suppose he had spent the most time with Chiri... Amiboshi. Perhaps that why he was affected so badly. I glanced to Nuriko.

"We should get him somewhere else... He’s worse off than we are," he said, managing to rise to his feet with a limited amount of balance.

I turned to Mitsukake, rising to my feet slowly. The physical pain had faded, but there was still a wrenching feeling in my chest, but that was not from the flute. That pain ran deeper. "Right..." I bent down, taking one of the larger man's arms, supporting him and helping him to his feet.

Nuriko hurried to his other side, managing to help support him as well, despite the tremendous height difference. "Mitsukake? Daijobu ka?"

He nodded, his head barely moving, and grunted a bit. He was conscious. That was a plus.

"Come on..." Nuriko's voice came, soft, reassuring. "We'll get you someplace where you can sit and rest." We half-aided, half-carried him over to a chair in the corner of the room. The dim light could barely drive the shadows away from corners. Nuriko bent to examine him, whispering a few questions to him, making sure he could answer them. His manner was so earnest, so concerned. He truly cared for people.

He turned his eyes away from Mitsukake and glanced up at me through his dark fringe of eyelashes, watching me, a question lingering in his eyes. I simply looked back, unable to give him an answer, not knowing the question.

He moved away from Mitsukake, gliding like a figure in a dream, and turned to face me. "Ne, Hotohori-sama..."

My eyes followed him and I turned to face him as well. "Hai?"

He paused, watching me for a long minute, his eyes studying me. I felt naked under his penetrating gaze. Could he see straight through me, straight into me? His voice finally came from out of the silence. "Are you all right?"

The same question as before. It threw me off. "Hai... I said I was."

He watched me for one moment more and then dropped his eyes. "No... I mean... about everything... about..." He looked up at me, a small frown creasing his forehead and clouding his face. "About us." The words were a whisper and he spoke them as though he did not like the taste they brought to his lips.

I looked back at him for a time, seeing the sadness in his face. "Hai... I..." I stopped my words before they could leave my lips and paused for a moment. "I am." My voice dropped to a quiet whisper. "Are you?"

The smile he gave me was sad, bittersweet. "Of course. I have nothing to complain about."

I half-smiled back, but it took much of the effort I could muster. I did not know the thoughts behind his words, but he would not complain. He... I had seen it before, even if he were hurting, he would hurt in silence, inside himself. "Neither do I..." I replied to him, my words true. I was in love with him and I would be able to spend everyday near him, beside him... but he did not love me. I was hurting him. I glanced away, back to the still-dancing flames.

A shy true smile started across his face slowly, blossoming like a flower. "Hotohori-sama..."

I glanced back at him. In that moment, he was so lovely, the small smile making his entire face shine like the dawn. "Hmm?" I answered questioningly.

He looked for a minute as if he were about to say something, but he stopped before it was said and glanced out to where the sound of voices could be heard in the distance, coming closer. "Ne... I think they're back."

I nodded and followed his gaze to the door. "Hai... you're right. I... I suppose we should go meet them, ne?"

He smiled softly at me again but then his face fell. "I wonder if they... well, if Chiriko- iie, Amiboshi- is all right..."

I looked doubtful. They would not be back so soon if... I pushed that thought from my mind. "I..." I paused. I could not reassure him. I was almost positive it was otherwise. "We'll have to ask them..."

He nodded and glanced up at me. "They're here." We walked towards the door to meet our friends, our fellow seishi, the fire still crackling vainly behind us.
 
 
 

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