The Real 12 Days Of Christmas
 
 
      Dearest John:

I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a
pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more
surprised.
 
      With dearest love and affection, Agnes
 
 
December 15th
 
      Dearest John:
 
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine,
turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift.
They are just adorable.
 
      All my love, Agnes
 
 
December 16th
 
      Dear John:
 
Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I
don't deserve such generosity. Three french hens. They are just
darling but I must insist... you're just too kind.
 
      Love Agnes
 
 
December 17th
 
      Dear John:

Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really!
They are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough?  You're
being too romantic.
 
      Affectionately, Agnes
 
 
December 18th
 
      Dearest John:
 
What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings.
One for each finger. You're just impossible, but I love it.
Frankly, John, all those squawking birds were beginning to get on
my nerves.
 
      All my love, Agnes
 
 
December 19th
 
      Dear John:

When I opened the door there were actually six geese a-laying on
my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those
geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are
complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop!

      Cordially, Agnes
 
 
December 20th
 
      John:
 
      What's with you and those fucking birds???? Seven swans
a-swimming. What kind of goddam joke is this? There's bird shit all
over the  house and they never stop the racket. I'm a nervous
wreck and I can't sleep all night. It's not funny! So stop with those
fucking birds.
 
      Sincerely, Agnes
 
 
December 21st
 
      Ok Buster:

I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do
with eight maids a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds
and eight maids a-milking, but they had to bring their own goddam
cows. There is shit all over the lawn and I can't move into my own
house. Just lay off me. Smart ass.
 
      Ag


December 22nd
 
      Hey Shithead:
 
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers
playing. And Christ - do they play. They never stopped chasing
those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are
upset and are stepping all over those screeching birds. No wonder
they screech. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a
petition to evict me. You'll get yours.
 
      From Ag
 

December 23rd
 
      You Rotten Prick:

Now there's ten ladies dancing - I don't know why I call those
sluts ladies. They've been balling those nine pipers all night
long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living
room is a river of shit. The commissioner of buildings has
subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be
condemned. I'm sicking the police on you.
 
      One who means it, Ag
 
 
December 24th
 
      Listen Fuckhead:
 
What's with the eleven lords a-leaping on those maids and
afterementioned "ladies?" Some of those broads will never walk
again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing
sodomy with the cows. All 234 of the birds are dead. They have been
trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten
swine.

      Your sworn enemy, Miss Agnes McCallister
 
 
December 25th (From the law offices Taeker, Spredar, and Baegar)
 
      Dear Sir:

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers
fiddling, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss
Agnes McCallister. The destruction, of course, was total. All
correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt
to reach Miss McCallister at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants
have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please
find attached a warrant for your arrest.