JOKES

ATENEO VS. LA SALLE FINAL EXAMINATIONS


These are the final exams of the two universities:

ATENEO DE MANILA UNIVERSITY FINAL EXAMINATIONS

Instructions:
Read each question carefully.
Answer all questions.
Time limit: 4 hours.
Begin immediately.

1. HISTORY
Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present day, concentrating specially, but not exclusively, on its social, political, economic, religious, and philosophical impact on Europe, Asia, and Africa. Be brief, concise, and specific.

2. MEDICINE
You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work has been inspected. You have 15 minutes.

3. PUBLIC SPEAKING
Two-thousand five hundred riot-crazed aborigines are storming the classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek.

4. BIOLOGY
Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier, with special attention to its probable effect on the English parliamentary system. Prove your thesis.

5. MUSIC
Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.

6. PSYCHOLOGY
Based on your degree of knowledge of their works, evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations of each of the following:

Alexander of Aphrodisias
Rameses II
Gregory of Nicea
Hammurabi.

Support your evaluations with quotations from each man's work, making appropriate references. It is not necessary to translate.

7. SOCIOLOGY
Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.

8. MANAGEMENT SCIENCE
Define management. Define science. How do they relate? Why? Create a generalized algorithm to optimize all managerial decisions. Assuming an 1130 CPU supporting 50 terminals, each terminal to activate your algorithm; design the communications interface and all necessary control programs.

9. ENGINEERING
The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed in a box on your desk. You will also find an instruction manaul, printed in Swahili. In ten minutes, a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel is appropriate. Be prepared to justify your decisions.

10. ECONOMICS
Develop a realistic plan for refinancin g the national debt. Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following areas:

Cubism
Donatist Controversy
Wave Theory of Light

Outline a method for preventing these effects. Criticize this method from all possible points of view. Point out the deficiencies in your point of view, as demonstrated in your answer to the previous question.

11. POLITICAL SCIENCE
There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects, if any.

12. EPISTEMOLOGY
Take a position for or against truth. Prove the validity of your position.

13. PHYSICS
Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on science.

14. PHILOSOPHY
Sketch the development of human thought; estimate its significance. Compare with the development of any kind of thought.

15. GENERAL KNOWLEDGE
Describe in detail. Be objective and specific.

***EXTRA CREDIT***
Define the universe; give three examples.


DE LA SALLE UNIVERSITY FINAL EXAMS (Take Home)

Time Limit: 3 Weeks

1. What language is spoken in France?

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions or give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to:
a. build a bridge
b. sail the ocean
c. lead an army
D. WRITE A PLAY

4. What religion is the Pope?
a. Islamic
b. Catholic
c. Hindu
d. Filipino
e. Agnostic
(choose only one)

5. Metric conversion: How many feet is 0.0 meters?

6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?

7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)

8. What are people in Bicol called?
a. Ilocano
b. Bicolano
c. Americano

9. Spell -- Aquino, Ramos, Estrada:
AQUINO: _ _ _ _ _ _
RAMOS: _ _ _ _ _
ESTRADA: _ _ _ _ _ _ _

10. Six kings of England have been called George, last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.

11. Where does rain come from?
a. Glorietta
b. 7-11
c. Canada
d. the sky

12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity:
a. yes
b. no
c. maybe
d. i don't know

13. What are coat hangers used for?

14. Lupang Hinirang is the National Anthem for what country?

15. Explain La Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium or spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.

16. Where is the basement of a three-story building located?

17. Advanced math: If you have three apples, how many apples do you have?

18. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corporation) stand for?

19. The DLSU tradition for excellence in education began when (approximately)?
a. B.C.
b. A.D.
c. still waiting ...

***You must answer three or more questions in order to graduate Magna Cum Laude. ***




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