Finding Him
Chapter 2 - Wishing For Yesterday
Miguel wandered unhappily through the city streets. He wasn't really moping, per se, but close enough that any outside observer wouldn't be able to tell the difference. He was depressed. He'd been depressed for a while now. As a matter of fact, he mused, he'd pretty much been depressed since he'd walked in on Tulio and Chel kissing.
The daring escape had helped. It had made him feel wanted and needed again, for a while. Once they got into the jungle however, things changed. Tulio and Chel apparently found nothing wrong with making out right in front of him, or sneaking off whenever they pleased into the depths of the jungle to do more than just make out.
It hurt. Miguel did his best to make sure that they didn't notice him in pain, though. He saved all his moping for the times when he was alone, saved the crying for late at night when the others were sleeping. Often he confided in Altivo, as the horse was a sympathetic listener and rarely made disparaging comments. Of course Altivo was a horse, but that didn't make him less human in Miguel's eyes.
They had sat on the deck of the boat one evening after Tulio and Chel had disappeared together again, just looking at the stars. Altivo had the wonderful tendency to lie on his side and let Miguel use his belly as a pillow. A tendency which Miguel almost always took advantage of. This particular night they were calmly pondering the mysteries of the universe when the sound effects from downstairs reached them. Miguel closed his eyes and wished fervently that there was a convenient way of shutting out the sound of two people having sex, but no such luck. Instead he buried his head in Altivo's mane and sobbed quietly, trying his hardest not to think about it. Not to think about how Chel could touch Tulio, kiss him, love him, but Miguel couldn't. Tried not to think about how he had wasted his chance by never telling Tulio exactly how he felt. And now it was too late.
As the noise died off, so did Miguel's crying. He sniffled a bit, and absently fingered a bit of the horse's mane.
"Altivo," he said quietly, "It's not fair. Why does she get to be the one? Why couldn't it be me?"
The horse turned his head from his contemplation of the stars and humanity in general to give Miguel a long, searching look. He snorted.
Miguel frowned. "What's that supposed to mean?"
Altivo whinnied softly, and nudged Miguel's head lightly with his snout.
Miguel took hold of the proffered muzzle and clung to it like a lifeline. After a moment, he began to whisper quietly to his pet.
"You're right you know," he said. "I had all that time. I had years and years to tell him how I felt, and yet I didn't. I had so much wasted opportunity. If... if I had told him sooner, then maybe it could have been me. But... Dammit!" Suddenly Miguel exploded. "It's not fair! Even if I hesitated. He may be in love with her, but she doesn't care as much about him. You can see it in her eyes, the way she looks at him. She doesn't love him as much as I do. I love him! I need him more than she does. I... I'm such a fool."
Miguel trailed off and put his head in his hands. "But he does love her, doesn't he? And as long as he's happy, that's all that matters." He took a long, shuddering breath. "I'll leave. It's all I can do. I'll leave them alone to let them settle their own affairs. He'll be happy with her, and he can get over me disappearing. But I can't stay while they're together. It would just be..." He sighed heavily and took his fingers out of Altivo's mane. He was surprised to see that his palms were clammy from clenching and unclenching his fist around the horse's hair. "I'm dying inside, Altivo," he whispered. "Every time I see them kiss, every time I see that horribly melting look he gives her, I die a little bit. It's like... like he owns me, and he doesn't realize it. And I can't live like that. I can't let him control me. I can't sit there every day and wish that it was me. I need to live again. And the only way to do that is distance."
He nodded heavily, apparently deciding something. "You'll come with me, won't you Altivo?"
The horse nickered and nodded, always happy to follow Miguel.
"Thank you. Thank you Altivo, at least you'll stick by me."
And now he was walking the streets, leading the tired-looking former war-horse behind him. They hadn't had much to eat, and though Altivo wasn't really complaining, Miguel could tell that hunger was taking its toll. They had been off their game recently. They'd pulled a scam big enough to make a lot of money a little while ago, but it had been extremely foolish and not well-planned out at all. It was only because of Altivo's speed and Miguel's sheer dumb luck that they escaped at all. It was their fortune that they had been able to take most of the money with them, but it had caused the reward for their heads to be upped a notch, and that was never good.
The two weary travelers made it to a hay bale at the end of an alleyway. It wasn't exactly a hotel suite, but it was shady and almost comfortable. They'd seen worse far too often. They plopped down gratefully on the straw, and Altivo took a moment to munch some of it.
After a moment of quiet, Miguel said thoughtfully, "You know Altivo, it's strange."
The horse looked up, his jaw still working the dried grass. The question 'what is?' was as apparent as if he had spoken.
"I ran away from him so that I wouldn't die. So that there might be a part of me that he didn't control, that couldn't hurt me. And yet all I've succeeded in doing is discovering that he's always owned me. All of me. Heart. Body. Mind. Soul. They've all always belonged to him. And I could never change that, even if I wanted to."
Altivo looked thoughtful, then stood up. Miguel blinked up at him, confused. "What? What is it?"
The horse whinnied and tossed his head, motioning for Miguel to mount up. After a startled moment, Miguel stepped on one of the hay bales and sat lightly on Altivo's back. "Where are we going?" he asked with a hint of suspicion.
Altivo didn't answer, but instead took off so fast that Miguel had to grip his mane to keep from falling off. He sighed and let Altivo carry him. The horse occasionally got strange ideas into his head, and it was always best to just let him act out those ideas. Otherwise he got cranky, and that was never a good thing. A cranky Altivo was likely to take a bite out of you.
When he had gotten enough of a hold to look at his surroundings, he saw that they were running through town. Specifically, they were running to the marketplace.
"Whoa, Altivo!" Miguel called, and was incredibly surprised to find that the horse listened to him and stopped.
Looking around, Miguel couldn't fathom why Altivo had brought him here. That is, until he saw a certain familiar head of raven-colored hair that seemed to notice him in the same instant.
"Miguel?" Tulio looked as if he couldn't possibly believe what he was seeing. The other man was about twelve feet away from him, and after a moment, started forward.
Miguel panicked. He had left for a reason, dammit! He was not going to let himself be hurt all over again. Why should he?
He jumped off the horse and took off. After a few startled oaths, he heard the sound of pursuit behind him. He dodged into a side alley and threw himself over the wall at the far end. Not waiting to see whether Tulio saw the dodge, he barreled out the other end and turned left.
And ran right into Tulio.
