Part 40
Flash stepped up. "We're looking for our good friend KelNi-" Back to silverchair stuff
"I call forth KelNino! Kabang!" Junta interrupted him and used her strong witchcraft to reverse Kelnino's transformation. Her magic worked, and in a bright flash of light, KelNino stood alone on the stage looking rather stunned.
KelNino put a hand to her head and groaned. Laughing weakly, she said, "What took you guys so long?"
"Never mind that now, Kelnino. We need to know something - why do you keep turning into rock stars?" dreamer asked. "You haven't been using Daniel's toothbrush again, have you?"
"Daniel's toothbrush? Now that's just plain nasty. I mean that's just wrong. That's just - " KelNino started.
"KelNino!" KearBear yelled. "We get the friggin' picture! Just tell us what the hell is up with you!!!"
"Okay, all right," KelNino said. "I don't really know what's wrong with me, to tell you the truth. I just, I don't know!" KelNino broke into sobs as the group crowded around in effort to comfort her. She stood crying as KearBear pushed through the crowd and gave her the sacred munchkin hug.
"It'll be okay, KelNino. It'll be okay," she said with a pat on the back. Then she looked around. They were no longer in the dark room, as we established earlier, the dark room was gone. There was no stage since KelNino had turned back, only a large empty space. KearBear got up to go find her bunny, and KelNino got up shyly. She was obviously very embarassed by her actions.
"Hey, you guys! Get over here!" Robin called. "The blasted bunny is stuck!"
The group followed Robin around a corner and saw KearBear desperately trying to pull the bunny out of some sort of tree. Flash ran over to join her, and the other pioneers quickly followed. Ada, Junta, KelNino and Sky gathered in a circle and began chanting some weirdo ritual like thingy and suddenly, the tree let go. KearBear let out an exhausted sigh and placed her bunny back in the bag.
"What the #%@$ was that?" KearBear asked.
"That," Ada answered, "is the taking tree. Anything that gets near it, it just takes. We had one in our back yard when I was little...ha ha. That's what happened to that dog..." Ada trailed off.
The rest of the pioneers shrugged it off and moved on, walking in that empty dark space as if they were walking on air, when suddenly Kelnino started singing another tune: "We are the youth, we'll take your fascism away...we are the youth, apologize for another day..."
The group turned around and stared at her in shock. "Not again...and please not that..." someone mumbled. KelNino began to bop her head back and forth as she sang louder and louder.
"Shut up, KelNino! Noooo!" Kearbear attempted to slap a hand over KelNino's mouth, but it was too late. The stage had already risen and KelNino had been taken out of her reach. The hard tones of Anthem to the Year 2000 filled their ears and the silverchair fans rushed down upin them. However, this time they could not help but join the mosh pits (because they were chairheads, duh).
"Damn!" Daniel exclaimed. "I am #%@$ing sexy! Look at KelNino...uh...me! I'm a jolly sexy bitch!" Obviously, KelNino had transformed into the great Daniel Johns and had been joined onstage by Ben and Chris (rocking the house like its nobody's business).
"Junta!" dreamer called.
"Huh?" Junta turned to her, cupping her ear to hear dreamer.
"Don't you dare pull your little transform-ey thing, even if it's not the, uh, real silverchair!"
"You think I'm nuts!" Junta said (if she was anyone else but Junta, she probably would have smiled). "This is great! A free friggin chair concert!" The concert came to an end, and Kelnino/Daniel finished off his/her stage-time with a little free style rap and hocking a loogie the crowd (which was caught, willingly, by Ada) and leaving the stage. Once again, the crows were brought out to hunt Kelnino/Daniel down. Before long, the real Daniel, Chris and Ben stood before the fakes (who didn't know they were fakes and were thoroughly confused). Daniel, always the immature one, spoke first.
"Am I really that sexy?" Daniel asked his twin, looking him up and down.
"Only to those who have that stupid tall, pale skinny fetish," someone mumbled.
KelNino/Daniel heard the disgusting remark and changed quickly back in to the real KelNino. KelNino stood on a chair and screamed, "WHO SAID THAT????"
Just then, dreamer started to shake and fell on the ground twisting and turning. The group gasped then tried to help her by holding her down on the ground. She stopped shaking, but was unconscious for a couple of hours. The group sat around with coffee for an extra boost of energy. Suddenly, she woke up. "I saw something, guys!" she said, trying to hold down her excitement.
"Well, what bloody is it, woman?" Robin asked.
"I'm not quite sure of all of the things I saw, it was blurry. But, I do know that I saw..."
"Brrrinnnnggggggggg!"
"Hello? Hello!" Kearbear answered her cell phone. "S**t! #%@$ing cell phones! You get a call, they cut you off. You make a call, they cut you off!"
"Know what that is, kid?" Flash asked. "They #%@$ you with the cell phones! You know why? Cause when you call back, which they know you're gonna do, they charge you for that #%@$ing first minute again!"
"Yeah, but that's if you're even lucky enough to be able to call back, because the three hour battery you got only lasts for twenty damn minutes!" KearBear was getting excited.
"Oh! And when you're going over a hill and it's gets all staticky!" KelNino joined in.
"And when you're going through a bloody tunnel!" Robin added.
"And they keep on making it smaller!" Kearbear said as her face got red. "You know why they make 'em smaller? So you can lose them. You know why? So you have to go buy another phone! I never lost my mother's phone! Took you two hours to make a damn long-distance call! Duh duh duh duh duh 4...duh duh duh duh duh 5...duh duh...oops! I messed up! Hang up, gotta do it again. Duh duh duh duh duh..."
"And what about the bloody scanners?" KelNino added to the conversation. "They get your number and call people from all over the world!"
"Oh! Somebody took my phone and called somebody in AFGHANISTAN! AFGHANISTAN! I don't know anybody in Afghanistan. I don't even know what Afghanis look like! And if I did, I wouldn't talk to their Afghan ass for 3 hours! I won't talk to my DADDY for three hours!"
"They #^@% you, they #%@$ you, they &*@% you with cell phones!" Flash said.
"Okay, guys, let's go do something!" KelNino was getting sick of this all.
"Oh, right!" KearBear said as she calmed down. "Well, I've got one of those nifty new cell phones that you can go online with. I found some cool information!"
"Well?!" KelNino screamed at her.
"Okay! Okay! Well, you know how there are a million copies of Britney Spears all over the universe? Well, there is one original girl!" KearBear stated nonchalantly.
"Oh, right, like a Hive Queen!" KelNino said.
"Um...yeah. I guess you could say that. Anyway, her real name is...dun dun dun...Betty Lou Farmer! If we find her in one universe, and kill her, all the other Britney/Bettys will surely die!" KearBear said.
"Wow! And then what would we do?" KelNino said.
"Uh...eat pork rinds and bananas!" Robin replied. They all looked at each other in doubt.
"Life would get rather boring...how about we take our time and take out the Britneys one at a time, eh?" KelNino suggested.
"Hell yeah!" Kearbear said with a little too much excitement. They all looked at her before turning back to Kelnino.
"Back to your strange transformations, KelNino. You didn't tell us anything about your Gavin Rossdale and, er, Daniel trips. Didn't Timmy say anything?" dreamer asked.
"When I turned into Gavin, Timmy asked me if I'd run out to Kroger's and get him some milk and a chili dog..." KelNino recalled. "I told him to screw off. I mean, the guy is a rock god, for Pete's sake! You'd think he'd have some slave dude like Flash to go out and do it - "
"Hey!" Flash protested.
"Okay, KelNino. So what about when you turned into Daniel, did Timmy say anything important to you then?" dreamer spoke to her as if she was a little child.
"Yes, he mentioned saving these dudes from Britney and her little hell wankers."
"Dudes?"
"Yes, I got a clear picture of a couple of them. Some were in chains...others with a brand like Flash's. Timmy said Flash would know most of them..."
Flash was interested. "I would?"
"Yessir, boy howdy. I think they might be some of your old battle school buddies-"
"Well, dammit, let's get going!" Flash was excited at the prospect of seeing old friends. Kelnino told Redwing needed to go to and he opened up a wormhole. They stepped through the tunnel into a truck stop near the California/Arizona border.
"Um, Redwing, are you sure this is the place?" Kelnino asked.
"I wish there were some easy explanation, Kelnino, but - "
"Hey!" dreamer piped up. "This is it! We're in my vision! I knew I saw a counter over here...and a big-haired waitress...and oooh, a princess phone! Excuse me, I haven't called my kitties from the road in ages!" she said, prancing off.
"You're calling your pets? I call next in line!" Daniel yelled, following her to the phone.
"Good thing the fakes faded into thin air, or Daniel 1 and Daniel 2 would be fighting over who got to call Sweep first," Nathaniel deadpanned.
"You're telling me," snickered Heath.
"Wait a second, isn't Sweep still sleeping in Daniel's backpack?"
"Yeah, but don't tell Daniel. This should be interesting..."
"Dammit, dreamer, let me have my turn! I want to talk to Sweep!" Daniel wailed.
"Cool it, Blondie," she growled, her hand over the mouthpiece. "You forget I have to talk to *two* animals or one will get jealous."
"Say, Daniel, why don't you take a shower while you're waiting? Truck stops have them, you know," Robin chipped in.