Part 52
The bathroom pioneers pushed the humiliated KearBear and the still laughing KelNino into another door as Shayde lit another match... Back to silverchair stuff
"Hey, do you guys mind? We're trying to watch a movie in here!"
"Who the bloody hell are you guys?" Robin blurted at the four 20-ish grrls on a couch in the room, dark except for the flickering of the TV screen.
"We're not guys! I'm Donna A., and this is Donna R., Donna F., and Donna C.," one of them explained. "We're The Donnas."
"Do you give autographs?" dreamer asked.
"Sure!"
As dreamer's CDs were being signed, Kelnino thought of something. "If you grrls are in a punk-type band, then what the hell are you doing at Ricky Martin's house?"
"It's pretty simple," Donna F. explained. "Our cable went out, and Ricky doesn't care if we use his."
"But you're in the house of an evil pop star!" Junta pointed out.
"True, but it's Bad Movie Night...we can't be too picky," Donna C. explained.
"Have any of you Donna girls seen my precious little Sweep?" Daniel, unable to take it anymore, asked.
"Uh, what's a Sweep?"
Daniel pulled about ten pictures of Sweep out of his wallet and showed them to the Donnas. "She's my dog. She's little with short black hair, and she's very sweet. And I know Ricky has her!"
"Oh, the dog! Ricky's calling her Muffins...and they're probably upstairs."
"Thanks. Where are the stairs?" Kearbear asked.
"Don't bother - there's a ladder hidden behind that curtain over there, that'll take you to a crawl space, and that opens to a cabinet in Ricky's walk-in closet," Donna R. explained.
Everyone looked at her incredulously. "What? I was looking for some leather pants...he'd never notice one pair missing for a few days..."
dreamer cut in. "Thanks, grrls. We'd better go save Sweep!"
So, the bathroom pioneers climbed the ladder that the Donnas had described and, sure enough, found themselves behind a cabinet door. Flash took off his glasses and peered through the crack...
"Looks clear to me....I don't see anyone, but the lights are on." He turned around to face the group.
"Eew! Put your glasses back on, Flash!" Kelnino snatched up his sunglasses and pushed them onto his face.
"Yeah, your eyes are the creepiest! All white and icky..." Junta added.
"Hey, shut up, you two! Don't be so mean!" Kearbear defended Flash.
"Telling Kelnino not to be mean is like telling a fire not to burn, Kearbear," dreamer giggled.
"Hey! Shut up! I don't want to hurt anyone here!" Kearbear turned red.
"What're you gonna do, throw a rock at me?" KelNino taunted.
"Well - I - I don't know! But if I see you being mean to Flash anymore, I'm gonna-"
"Easy there, Kearbear. I don't care." Flash readjusted his sunglasses and laid a hand on Kearbear's shoulder, who seemed to melt under his touch. "I know my eyes aren't too attractive, that's why I wear shades. Now come on, let's see what we can do to save Sweep." The pioneers filed into the brightly-lit closet, but just when they thought they were safe, a figure appeared in the doorway. It was Ricky Martin!
"What are you kids doing in here?!" he demanded.
Kelnino stepped forward. "We came to save Swee-"
"We came for your autograph...uh...yeah!" dreamer interrupted. The pioneers looked at her in shock. She pointed quickly at something lying behind Rickyi...it was Sweep! Now the pioneers understood, if they confronted Ricki right off the bat, then Sweep might get injured. They had to get Sweep out of the way somehow...
"Hey, is that your, uh, dog?" Kearbear improvised. She tried all she could not to flinch at the pink dress and hat that Ricki had put on Sweep.
"No!" Daniel screamed. "That's my Sweep! That's my dog-" dreamer slapped a hand over Daniel's mouth.
"Shut up..." she said under her breath into his ear. She turned to Ricky and said, "Heh heh, can we pet the sweet dog? Heh heh..."
"Why, well, okay. Her name is Muffins..." Sky went over and petted the dog, waiting for an indication of what to do next.
"Hey Ricky, look over there!" KelNino pointed behind Ricky.
He turned around and scanned the room. "Look over where?"
"Grab the dog!" Kelnino screamed. Sky snatched up Sweep and raced back into the cabinet. The pioneers followed him as Ricky stood, dumbfounded.
"Wha- what are you doing?!" Reality began to sink in. "What are you doing with MUFFINS?!"
"My wonderful dog's name is Sweep, you wanking bastard!" Daniel took a running leap towards Ricky and began to pull viciously at his bleached, nappy hair. Ricky in turn began to pull Daniel's hair, and soon a cat fight had erupted.
"Ooh jolly good...now we need some mud...and a couple of bikinis and..." started James.
"James! What's wrong with you? Haven't we told you that mud wrestling is bad for you?" said Ada.
"Yes...but it's just so addictive and..."
All of a sudden, the fight stopped. Ricky was beginning to glow.
"Ha ha...he looks like Kearbear after she's eaten one too many glowsticks!" said KelNino.
"Well, what about the time you ate all those black jellybeans? That wasn't too cool either..." Kearbear pouted.
"Um...guys..." started Ash. "Look at Ricky."
Ricky had gone from glowing like a highly drugged up firefly to a six legged, feeler friendly, leather pantsed mosquito! Complete with matching accesories, of course.
"Time for the big guns. Since Shayla is now the new leader of Belize, let's ask her. What's your call?" asked Ada.
"I say it's time for the Timmy conjuring."
"Timmy conjuring?! How are we supposed to do that?" asked Junta.
"Ada, tell the children, will you?"
"Okay...well first you get a BIG pot. And then in the pot you place a lock of hair from each of us. Then we will add various other ingridents and..."
"Like what?"
"Oh...stuff like...water, some dirt, some snow from South Park, three pieces of leftover Halloween candy, salt, and six Ritalin tablets. Then it has to be brought to a full boil by someone with strong metaphysical powers, who will then recite a chant to bring Timmy to us."
"That's it? No lizard guts or anything? Bollocks!" Robin grumbled.
"Nope, that's it. Oh, there is one more thing - the rite must be led by someone who has also braved the snowstorms of Colorado, otherwise it won't work."
The pioneers were silent for a minute, then Saurus asked, "dreamer, babe? Didn't you camp out in the snow in the Rockies once?"
"Oh yeah...how could I forget that?" She laughed. "Well, what are we waiting for? Let's get started!"
"Wait, what are we doing again?" asked Ash.
"I'm not sure," said dreamer, now looking confused.
"Well, let's go" replied Ash, getting impatient. The pioneers started walking down the road and all of a sudden Ash fell to the ground in pain.
"What's wrong?" cried KelNino.
"Aaah! I forgot! We can't get snow from South Park!"
"Why not?" Saurus asked.
"I dunno...we just can't." Ash shrugged.
"So we're not going to conjure Timmy?" KelNino asked.
"I guess not, I dunno...hey, why don't we just go back and kill Ricky? I think we're making this much harder than it needs to be, don't you?"
"Yeah!" the pioneers replied in unison. They ran back up the road and ran into Ricky, who was still fuming that his sweet lover, Muffins aka Sweep, had been stolen so abruptly from him.
"I'm going to get you kids and do something to you that there isn't an English word for!" he screamed, raising his arms and revealing that disgusting belly of his.
"Oh, well...oh. Okay. We were kind of going to kill you first..." dreamer stuttered.
"Yeah, that was the plan..." Heath mumbled, rubbing his chin in thought. "But I bet those Donna babes are still back at Ricky's house...hmmm..." He waved goodbye to the pioneers and headed back towards Ricky's mansion. "I'll, uh, catch you guys later..."
"Daniel, you've really got to do something about that sibling of yours..." dreamer nudged Dan.
"Yeah," Ben agreed. "He's getting kinda dogdy."
Daniel shrugged and mumbled something about leather pants, obviously not worried about Heath.
"Enough!" Ricky waved his arms again. "I want my lover back!"
"She's mine, if you want her you're gonna have to go through me!" Daniel stepped forward.
"Wow, Daniel is getting tough! Go Dan!" KelNino cheered as the pioneers created a circle around the dueling celebrities. After several minutes of shin-kicking and weak slapping, Daniel eventually gained supremacy over Ricky (but only because of his ability to blind his opponents with his whiter-than-white ass). When the fight was over, Ricky lay blinded and battered on the concrete, moaning incoherently.
"What do we do with him?" Shayde asked.
"Why don't we leave him? You know, just to wallow in his own beaten misery!" Ben laughed.
"Aw, but can't we do something to him?" Junta whined. "Like give him breasts or something?"
"No, Junta-" However, dreamer was cut off because Junta had already waved her magic spoon around and given Ricky a pair of size DD's, and lop-sided nonetheless.
dreamer rolled her eyes. "All right, now we'd better go find Heath before he catches some weird disease from Ricky's, uh, guests..." The pioneers wandered back to Ricky's house, only to find Heath in the kitchen performing a strange ritual of some sort.
"Uh...Heath?" Daniel asked his brother very, very carefully. "What the &#%@ are you doing?"