Part 54
"What?" dreamer cocked her head in confusion. Back to silverchair stuff
"Tim-may!" Timmy repeated.
"I don't get it - "
"dreamer (sigh), it's not your fault. Don't stress yourself trying to understand Timmy's advanced language." Kelnino patted dreamer on the shoulder.
"What?! He said 'Timmy,' for pete's sake. What's so advanced about that?" dreamer shoved Kelnino away.
"Oh, dreamer, don't get upset - "
"Shut up, Kelnino. Fine then, what's he saying?" dreamer retorted.
KelNino shrugged and replied, "Timmy said that we have to make a large net entirely out of used condoms."
"Now where are we going to get that many used condoms?" asked Kearbear. At that moment the rest of the group turned and looked at Robin.
"What?" he asked, looking confused.
"Come on Robin, cough 'em up," KelNino ordered.
"But I need them to make little raincoats for my bananas!" Robin whined.
"Robin!" Junta said in a stern voice. "Don't make me come over there."
"All right," agreed Robin.
"Don't worry, Robin. I'll make it all worth your while later tonight," Daniel said with a wink.
"What do you mean by that?" asked Robin in his cute, confused British accent.
"Robin!" everyone yelled.
"What?" he asked, confused as always.
"Just give us the condoms!" said KelNino.
"Okay, here you go!!" said Robin in a snippy voice while handing KelNino a pink, glittery bag.
"Hey, wait a second," Kelnino said as she looked into the bag. "These aren't condoms...they're banana peels! Robin! I thought you had some used condoms!"
"Ooops," he muttered. "I guess I tossed 'em out."
"Great. Just great. Now where are we going to get enough used condoms for a big net?"
"I've got some new ones in my bag," Daniel offered. "Anyone want to use 'em?"
Everyone looked first at Heath and Jill, who simply shook their heads. Then everyone turned towards dreamer and Saurus.
"Uh-uh, no freaking way," dreamer said.
All eyes were on Robin and Daniel. Robin just cluelessly munched a banana and Daniel blushed. "I, uh, don't think we'll have enough time to use that many condoms," he stuttered.
"Wait, I've got an idea!" dreamer piped up. "Did Timmy say the condoms had to be used for sex, or could they be used some other way?"
"I'll ask," Kelnino said, very confused. After a minute of conversing with Timmy, she said, "Nah, Timmy says they can be used for anything."
dreamer grinned. "Here's my idea. It's getting hot in here, since it's summer and we can't go wandering through Ricky's house looking for the damn air conditioner. We can use the condoms as water balloons and have a water fight! We need the break anyway," she pointed out.
Saurus hugged her. "What would we do without you?" he asked.
"Fend for yourselves in a state of complete anarchy, I suppose," she laughed.
"Let's get started!" Ben yelled. "This is going to be fun!"
And so the pioneers had a full-blown water balloon fight, after which everyone was soaking wet, except for KelNino. "KelNino, how did you stay dry?" Sky asked.
"Easy - I didn't get wet," Kelnino deadpanned. As the pioneers rolled their eyes, dreamer and Flash began to put the giant net together. It was completed in 20 minutes once everyone joined in the construction. Soon they sat around wondering what to do with it.
"Eureka!" Kearbear jumped up. "I know! We're supposed to use it as a magic carpet!"
"Excellent, Kearbear! Okay, everyone get on the condom carpet!". The pioneers all crammed onto the net and sat down. Before they knew it, the were flown and dropped off at a bar at the top of a 40 story skyscraper. They all sat around for a drink and soem conversation, but Robin was watching a strange man. The man would drink a glass of beer and then leap out the window, but he just came right back through the front door of the bar after 5 minutes.
After the man had done this a few times, Robin asked him, "Excuse me, good fellow, but how do you do that? I just saw you jump out the window!"
"Easy, boy!" the strange man replied. "It's all a matter of science. Everybody knows that beer makes you feel warmer and warm air rises, so I drink this here glass of ale and then walk out the window. But I don't fall! Neat, huh?"
"I'll bloody say!" Robin exclaimed. "I gotta try that!" Robin grabbed Ben's mug of beer, chugged it, ran straight out the window, and fell all 40 stories to splat on the pavement. Meanwhile, the strange man was rolling on the floor with laughter.
The bartender turned to him. "Dammit, Superman, you sure are an asshole when you're drunk."
"Hey! You hurt Robin, you big superfreak!" Ada cried.
"Yeah! We're the only ones allowed to hurt him, dammit!" KelNino joined in. "You're gonna pay, Superman!" The pioneers cheered in agreement and as they all got into a heated debate with Superman a rather drunk Angie (fireangel) swaggered up the stairs grabbing a bruised little British kid by the scruff of the collar. Everyone cheered - it was ROBIN! Angie took another swig of vodka and delivered this harrowing monologue:
"Okay, I know I have been gone quite a long time...and for that matter so has rockstar...she's been a little busy...but since when do we have South Park characters in this story ::(swig of tequila):: since when is Daniel gayt...though it's funny...I admit...Daniel, you're a flaming idiot!"
Just then someone else walked into the room. It was...
"Hi, Shirley!" Ben grinned.
Shirley Manson ever so casually sat down at the bar. "Hi, boys," she said with a grin before ordering her drink. "So who are these guys? Friends of yours?"
"You could say that. We're the Bathroom Pioneers," dreamer said, then explained about their mission and all the crazy stuff they'd been through over the past 10 months.
"I like where this is going," she remarked. "Think you'll need any help over the next few days? I'm on a break from working on the new album."
"Sure!"
So, Shirley pushed Timmy's wheelchair out the window. He screamed his own name the whole way down - frankly, no one gave a damn becuase they were quite sick of him anyway. Shirley muttered an obscenity and everyone was marveled by her awesome accent. Daniel sat next to her and asked, "Do you know where home is? My puppy is dead and I can't find my way home."
Kelnino cocked her head. "Huh?"
"Ijustwannagohome," Daniel slurred.
"What's gotten into you, Daniel?" Shirley asked, puzzled.
dreamer plucked a beer bottle out of his hand. An empty beer bottle, that is. "Perhaps this will answer your question?"
"Uh-oh," Ben said. "Come on, Daniel, let's get you to the toilet before you puke on the carpet."
"I'm not gonna puke," Daniel wailed. "I just wanna go home, and I wanna see Sweepy!"
"Calm down, mate," Chris said. "Ricky still has Sweep, but I'm sure Shirley here will help us get her back, and you can go home later, okay?"
"Okay...but can we pick this up later?"
"Sure...but why later?"
"I think I'm gonna puke!"
While Daniel was off puking (and Robin was holding his hair out of the way), Shirley was plotting strategy with the other pioneers.
"Okay, I think I've got it. Ricky has a glass of wine before bed every night, and if we slip knockout drops into it, he won't know Sweep's gone until he wakes up, and we'll have more than enough time to get away before he does. That's easy enough, right?"
"Right!"
That night, the pioneers sneaked back into Ricky's house, and in no time at all had doctored the wine. They slipped into the closet and waited for Ricky to doze off. As soon as he started snoring, Daniel grabbed Sweep and the pioneers hightailed it out of there. Suddenly, KelNino stopped Shirley, grabbing her by the arm tightly. "Wait a sec - how did you know that Ricky has a glass of wine before going to bed, huh?!" She shook Shirley violently.
"I, well, I know because-" Shirley stuttered.
"Yeah, Shirley, how'd you know?" fireangel poked at her.
"I well, Ricky is-"
"You guys!" dreamer interrupted. "This is Shirley Manson, you can't accuse her of doing something like this!"
"Shut up, dreamer. Come on, Shirl! Spill it!" KelNino shoved her against a wall.
"Because a friend told me he did! Hehe, that's it!" Shirley looked around nervously.
"That's very unconvincing, Shirley..." Sky noted. He reached over and grabbed Shirley by the hair. To everyone's shock, Sky pulled off a mask, revealing the one and only Enrique Iglesias.
"Enrique! You dirty scoundrel!" Flash exclaimed.
"I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you meddling kids!" Enrique growled as he tried to struggle away from KelNino's tight grasp.
KelNino slammed him back against the wall and yelled "What were you trying to do, huh, Enrique?!"
"I wanted to...you know, fondle Danny," he said as he hung his head in shame.
"Really?" Daniel asked, cheering up.
The pioneers bound Enrique to a wall and started smacking him with posters of his father Julio. Then Chris said something for the first time in a few chapters:
"Uh-oh, you guys, I think I hear something!"
Sure enough, someone was walking towards them with a flashlight. "What are you kids doing here?" the security guard yelled.