Part 60
Suddenly, KelNino realized exactly what she'd been saying to Robin. She threw the Brit off her in disgust. "Ack! Robin, you disguting little twit!" she screamed. "Even if you were the last man on earth and I was the last woman on earth, I'd never have sex with you! Ugh!" Back to silverchair stuff
Robin scratched his head and looked at KelNino in confusion. "Well, what's your point?"
"Get away from me! And what's this talk Daniel being my husband, up there in that text about four paragraphs up? Why'd you write that, Angie? That's nasty! For goodness' sake, I can't even legally be with the guy! I'm 15! He's 22!"
"You don't remember, KelNino?" Daniel whimpered.
"Remember what?!" KelNino threw her arms in the air.
"Well, I suppose you wouldn't remember because you weren't actually KelNino at the time," Daniel shrugged. "That's too bad, it was such a lovely wedding-"
"Oh no, you didn't! You sack of s**t, you didn't!" KelNino grabbed Daniel around the throat and started to shake him violently.
"Oh, he did, KelNino," Angie giggled evilly. KelNino stopped shaking Dan, her eyes wide in fear. "He married Layne Staley, so technically he married you too. Teehee."
"Ack!" KelNino uttered before she fainted onto the ground. She fell onto the tile with a sickening thud. The pioneers gathered round her and scratched their heads, wondering what exactly to do.
"Hey Daniel, maybe you guys should file for divorce..." Rockstar suggested.
Suddenly, dreamer burst through the door, waving her arms excitedly. "It's done! It's done! My CD is done! It will be released next month! It's going to be called - "
"I didn't say you were married to DANIEL, I meant Robin!" Angie screamed.
"Let's name my CD - " dreamer started.
"You lie!"
"Do not!"
"Do too!"
"What are we going to name my CD?!" dreamer intervened.
"How about KelNino is a lying sack of s**t!" yelled Angie.
Suddenly there was a loud thud behind them. Daniel had thrown down his guitar. "I'm not going to play until you stop fighting! And I am gonna hold my breath until you apologize!" Daniel crossed his arms and his cheeks puffed up.
"Then you're just gonna have to die trying, Daniel. Because Angie is a bitch! She's just jealous that I, or Layne Staley, married you!"
"Am not!" Angie slapped KelNino.
"Hey, you slutty whore!" KelNino kicked Angie in the shin.
"I'll show you slutty!" Angie elbowed Kelnino in the eye.
"OW! Dammit!" Kelnino scratched Angie across the cheek viciously. Suddenly, there was a thud behind them, interrupting the fight. KelNino and Angie turned around and saw Daniel lying on the floor.
"Would you two stop it! He passed out on us!" dreamer shoved Kelnino and Angie apart. "Isn't that bad enough?"
"Oh Daniel!" Robin ran forth and began to perform emergency CPR on his love.
"Robin, he just blacked out from holding his breath, he didn't drown." KelNino rolled her eyes.
"Oh." Robin sat back up and wiped Dan's spit off his mouth. "Oh..."
"OKAY! NOW THAT YOU'RE ALL QUIET!" dreamer screamed. "My CD is going to be called The Neverending Album!"
Just then, the long-absent Kombucha Draven Crow (aka KDC) popped into the room. "Did I heard the title of The Neverending Album?!"
"Yes, you did heard the title of The Neverending Album," KelNino mocked Kombucha.
"Don't fun make of me!" Kombucha sobbed. "Bad I type!"
"What's she trying to say?" Robin nudged dreamer, who shrugged.
"Beats me," she replied.
"You're all mean so!" Kombucha buried her head in her arms and sobbed in the corner.
"So..." KelNino rolled back and forth on her heels. "What now?"
"We have to get The Neverending Album into stores!" dreamer threw her fist in the air enthusiastically.
"Yeah? Then what?"
"Er..." dreamer twiddled her thumbs. "I suppose we should wake Daniel up. He's still unconscious. Junta, what should we do for him?"
"Well..." Junta rubbed her scruffy goatee that she'd grown in the last couple of days (lol). "I guess we can try slapping him until he wakes up."
"Or I can just sit on him!" Heath said. Heath sat on Danny and started giving him a knuckle sandwich when he suddenly felt something on his face. He stopped pummeling Daniel for a moment to rub his chin...and screamed "Omygod!" He jumped off of Daniel and started to do a little dance.
"What the hell is up with him?" Jill smirked.
"Hell yeah! I've got stubble! Check this out, woman!" Heath inched over to Jill and rubbed his chin sensually. "Ohhh yeaaaah."
"Oh shut up." Jill pushed him away. "It's about time you hit puberty, you twit." She rolled her eyes at him.
"Yeah," dreamer agreed. "What a geek you are, Heath."
"U-G-L-Y!" Kearbear chanted. "You ain't got no alibi, you ugl-"
"Shut the &@#% up!" Heath hurled his shoe across the room and hit Kearbear between the eyes. She fell unconscious to the floor.
"Good one." Sky sat down next to Kearbear. "Now we've got two comatose bathroom pioneers. Now what?"
"Well..." KelNino rubbed her chin, pretending she had a goatee like Junta. "I think she ought to kill carson daily and take over TRL...and shave Junta's goatee!"
"But how do you propose she do that?" Robin asked.
"Simple. We get dreamer's new video on TRL, using Lou's contacts - someone did remember to feed him, right?" Kelnino looked at Heath, Chris, and Ben (it fell to them, since they were the three biggest pioneers), who nodded. "When it becomes a huge hit - and it will, thanks to the other part of my plan - dreamer appears on the show to do a live performance. That'll get us in the building. After the show, Kearbear can slip some poison into Carson's mineral water, like those crazy aunties in Arsenic and Old Lace! She's so young and seemingly helpless no one will ever suspect a thing!"
"Brilliant," Ben commented.
"There's just one thing," dreamer pointed out.
"What's that?"
"We'd better wake up Daniel and Kearbear before they suffer some sort of permanent damage!"
"Any ideas?"
"Robin, you know what to do. Ben, is there any water left in that refrigerator?"
"No, we're out of water. But we've got ice-cold beer," he admitted.
"I guess that'll have to do," dreamer said.
While Robin was waking Daniel up (think Sleeping Beauty here, lol), Ben was popping open a cold one and, with a sad look on his face, pouring it on Kearbear, who woke up screaming and proceeded to chew out Ben for drenching her in beer. She then borrowed a clean towel from Daniel and sneaked across the street to use the high school gym showers like Daniel had done earlier. When she got back, the pioneers were discussing part of the plan.
"Yeah, we need to get on TRL, but first we need a video," dreamer said.
"Can't we just tape you and the backup band messing around in the studio?" Heath asked.
"No, doofus, it's been done." Kelnino elbowed Heath.
"And it's *my* video, thank you very much. I'd like to do something really artsy, like riding goats through water and filming it upside down. Or better yet, hauling my ass through the mean streets trying to survive long enough to play a gig at a CBGB's-type venue!"
"Excellent," the pioneers agreed.
That afternoon, they headed outside with some video equipment for the shoot, but they decided that first they should stop at the carnival so Angie could screw a carnie and find a top quality corn-dog.
"Boy, does this bring back memories," dreamer said.
"Of what?" Kelnino giggled. "Don't tell us *you* hooked up with a carnie!"
dreamer laughed. "No, doofus. It reminds me of going to the midway at the fair with my friends and just generally goofing off. It was fun."
"Hey, Angie, come this way," Junta called.
The pioneers led Angie behind the funhouse to a striped tent. "What's inside?" she asked warily.
"Go in and see," KDC said.
So Angie stepped into the tent...and found the inside decked out for a party. A banner along the tent wall read "Happy Birthday Angie!"
"Aww, you guys..." Angie blushed. "But what about the video shoot?"
"We postponed it until tomorrow," Kelnino explained.
"Yeah, Ben and I did the math and figured it's going to take most of the day, so we're starting bright and early tomorrow morning. When we realized it's your birthday we arranged this surprise," dreamer added.
"But before we get the party started," said Ada, "What are we going to do with all of this Spam?"
At that moment the pioneers realized that the room had become full of the meat-like product, and that slowly it was beginning to rise.
"I guess we'll either have to eat it or..." began KelNino.
"Or what?"
"Or wipe Daniel's ass with it!" Heath interrupted.
"I'll wipe your ass, you little - "
"Enough, boys! Let's have a Spam cookoff!" dreamer proclaimed. "And Daniel, you can have Spam if you can swallow it. Technically it's not meat, you know."
"Yeah, we don't really know what it is," KelNino shrugged. "Hey! I've got a great Spam recipe!"
"Oh yeah? What is it?"
"Well..." KelNino tried to explain. "I call it Stuffed Spam surprise."
"What's the surprise?" Angie asked.
"It's stuffed with Spam. Surprise!" Kelnino laughed like the red guy on Cow and Chicken.
"Uh...good for you, Kelnino," dreamer said, examining the ingredients list on the label (why didn't anyone else think of that?). "Ewww, it's processed pork packed in gelatin! I'm going outside until after the cookoff, and I suggest anyone else with a weak stomach come with me. My high school chemistry teacher cooked Spam burgers over a Bunsen burner in the classroom once, and it smelled so bad I thought I was going to puke."
Minutes later, dreamer, Daniel, Heath, and Robin were sitting on the grass outside the tent, avoiding the cookoff and just generally being bored.
"So what do you guys wanna do?" Daniel deadpanned.
"Why don't we play a little game of Truth or Dare?" dreamer asked.
"Why would I want to play a sissy game like that?" Heath snickered.
"What's the matter, Heath?" dreamer chuckled diabolically. "Are you worried I might dare you to do something *scary*?
"No!"
"Then you'll play," she smirked. "Besides, we're at a carnival - the possibilities for dares are endless!"
"But I didn't say I wanted to," he protested.
"Give it up, Heath," Daniel laughed. Heath just turned red and cursed under his breath.
"I'll go first," dreamer volunteered. "Robin, truth or dare?"