Part 7
KelNino walked in the bathroom. Daniel was sitting on the floor with his head in his hands, looking paler than usual. "Ooooohhhh...&*@#..." Back to silverchair stuff
"Daniel, are you okay?"
"Ugh, I'm suddenly not feeling so great, Kelnino."
"Can you get up?"
"I just tried. Go get Ben, will you? He's had to carry me out of bathrooms before."
KelNino went back out to get Ben, but he was too busy trying to hit on Black Ballroom the German goddess, and Chris was busy calling his girlfriend, so KelNino sought the help of Ada and dreamer, who could lift him with their telekinetic powers if they had to.
When they got back to the bathroom, Daniel was about ready to pass out when Ada noticed that his fly was down. He tried to zip it up without anyone noticing but because he was hunched over and all he fell flat on the cold bathroom floor.
"Your barn door's open, Daniel," KelNino said, stepping over him to get to the rest of the group.
"What are we doing here?" asked fireangel.
Junta said, "Danny-boy's feeling sick and Ben's too busy to carry him out."
fireangel had a hunch something was wrong. "Daniel, do you have any idea what's making you sick?"
"No," he replied woozily as dreamer helped him sit up. Then she noticed something she hadn't before.
"Did you get a drink from that funny-looking water cooler?"
"Yeah, why?"
"Well, I think there might have been something in that water. KelNino, do you still have that Swiss Army knife with the magnifier?"
"Yeah, hold on." She dug in her pockets for the knife while Junta broke the bottom off of an empty perfume bottle in the trash. dreamer carefully dripped some of the water on the glass and examined it.
"Uh-oh."
"What is it?" asked fireangel.
"This water's been tainted with a Britney virus! It didn't make the pop stars sick because they're all just like her anyway. Daniel, being so different from everything she stood for, could really be hurt by this."
Daniel had just enough energy to moan, "#%^@$*@!"
"So what do we do?" asked Junta.
KelNino answered, "I don't know if it's going to work, but I have an idea..." KelNino leaned over to Junta and whispered something in her ear. Junta started laughing uncontrollably.
"Okay, okay, I will." She leaned over to Ash who told dreamer and rockstar. They all turned to Daniel, whose eyes got wide with fear, and they hosed him down and forced some Lactaid down his throat. Daniel began to feel better immediately (that Lactaid really clears your system). The girls sat down to enjoy some non-sweetened tea.
"I bet Robin would enjoy this!" KelNino said, sucking on the lemon hanging from the glass.
"Hey, where *is* Robin?" Junta asked. KelNino froze.
"He's still at the castle!!! I can't believe we forgot him!" she shrieked.
Junta was just as upset. "What if he gets hurt?" The girls quickly collected everybody up and got onto the bus. James (who had magically appeared again) took the wheel and raced to the site of Britney's now-destroyed castle. Everyone gathered at the front gate to discuss who would search where when a frightening, but very feminine, cry arose from the ruins.
"It's Robin!" KelNino grabbed Junta, Ada, and dreamer and raced through the rubble into the hallways. Weak cries echoed from behind a locked door.
"Hiyah!" KelNino karate-kicked the door down to reveal Ricky Martin on top of Robin on a red silk canopy bed. Robin was tied fast to the bedpost, whimpering and shaking weakly. KelNino was extremely embarrassed. "Oh, I'm so-uh-so sorry. I didn't know that you guys were uh, getting it on. Uh so sorry-". Robin was obviously very upset.
"Kill...kill him..." he rasped, "the...bastard.. he j-jumped me..in the hall...hallway." KelNino realized her mistake, so she gave dreamer a sharp elbow. She took a hint and threw the Menudo pop smash off the bed, across the room, and into the Justin Timberlake poster across the room. KelNino blasted him into kitty litter immediately.
Junta ran to Robin's side. She attempted to untie the Brit, but he was already foaming at the mouth and bleeding from a puncture wound at the neck. The Feo sister realized the hopelessness of the situation.
"KelNino..." she called, "Robin was bitten by Ricky. I think he's been infected..." KelNino walked up beside the bed. Junta continued "If we leave him, he'll become some pop star. We can't let that happen, sister. It would be so much kinder just to..to.."
"Put him out of his misery..." KelNino said unsteadily.
Junta put an arm around KelNino's shoulder. She knew this would come as a blow to her siggie sister.
KelNino thought for a moment. Killing him would be kindest, but there *must* be another option. She couldn't eat him either. She stared down at her suffering hubby. The infection was already setting in. His hair was a much lighter shade and becoming curly, his eyes now resembled a puppy's, and his teeth were pearly white and straight. But there was an option to save him that the other girls didn't know, and it would be difficult but had to be done in order to save Robin. The entire group would have to eat peanuts and watch football in their underpants!
There had to be an easier way. They untied Robin and pulled him as far away from the castle as possible. Just then Fiona Apple came on the radio. Then Daniel said, "Oooh! My Sour Apple's on the radio! Turn it up! Haven't heard this song in awhile! Listen to that girl sing!"
Meanwhile, Ada had arrived from Maine. She had been gone for a very long time, and she missed being part of the group of Chosen and Unchosen. She wanted back in.
"We need a new victim. Someone...like...fireangel. No one liked her anyway."
KelNino didn't like fireangel either, but she felt it would be wrong to kill one of their own.
"I know it!" KelNino shouted. "We can save Robin by eating peanuts in our underwear while watching the football game and have Fiona Apple sing a Nirvana song! Some other rock chick did it..." (Webmaster's note: she was referring to Tori Amos, who covered Smells Like Teen Spirit.)
Robin shivered slightly as his eyes turned a lovely light blue. KelNino jumped into action by starching everyone's underwear. Junta moved away for fear of having her herpes outbreak discovered.
"Um, sis," she stuttered, "I'm not up for that right now because...Days of Our Lives is on, I haven't missed an episode..."
Everyone looked at her queerly and finally someone spoke up...
"Who ordered pizza!?" said a familiar voice. The voice belonged to...
"D'Arcy?!" exclaimed fireangel.
"Now I know REM's ex-drummer became a farmer, but *this* is ridiculous," Junta muttered. Daniel nodded in agreement.
dreamer was confused. "D'Arcy, I thought you quit music to go into *acting.*"
"Oh, I did. This is research for a role. By the way, how's Melissa doing in my place?"
"Pretty good. You know, we ran into her a while back. Turns out she's my mom!" KelNino piped up.
"Kel?" Robin asked weakly. "What's going on?"
Ada thought of something. "D'Arcy, you wouldn't be researching any *other* upcoming roles, would you? Perhaps something that can save our friend?"
"Well, now that you mention it, I could get back with the other Pumpkins one last time to save your friend!" she said.
At that moment rockstar, a very serious fan of the Pumpkins, spoke up. "I really wish you had played at the concert I went to," she said. Then fireangel told her to shut up, so she did...but fireangel would never say something like that. Maybe this wasn't fireangel!
Ash came over and ripped off her mask. It was Jessica Simpson! KelNino was angered by the imposter, so the blonde pistol gave Jessica a swift kick in the shin. Jessica fell to the floor, quite thouroughly dead.
"Well, that was easy...anybody up for a banana?" she stated non-chalantly. Robin spoke up first, grabbing a banana. Daniel waited, though...
"This makes me think of a song," he said. Everyone hushed so as not to interrupt his concentration. KelNino quickly handed Daniel the only instrument she had on hand, her ESP banjo (hehe, wish they actually made 'em). Daniel took it without question as Ben sat beside him after whipping out his mini bongo set and thumping a slow, steady beat. Jimmy Bazemore, out of pure kindness, gave Chris a kazoo. Chris could not contain his excitement.
"A Kazoo!" he shrieked in a adolescence-stricken, cracking voice, "Wicked jolly cool!"
"He talks....whoa..." Junta whispered in amazement.
KelNino was unimpressed. "He sounds like an 8th grade boy hitting puberty. No wonder he never talks, I'd be embarrassed too if I ta-" Someone shushed KelNino as Daniel began his work of art...
"Please die banana, for as long as Robin eats you we can't...you make the sound of laughter, as people slip upon you...And I'll peel you now somehow, And I'll peel you now somehow..." The tune sounded familiar, but no one could seem to put their finger on it.