Entry 9 THE END
- Entry #9 -
Dear Journal,
Hello. This will be my last Entry ever. Instead of this really being 'Dear Journal' I'd like to make it 'Dear Desiree.'
Hey sweetie. First off I would like to say I'm sorry this is so messy. I'm in my hospital bed and I'm dying. I'm trying not to cry as I know these are the last words I'll ever get to say to you.
I just saw you a few minutes ago. Uncle Justin brought you in. I tried to explain to you that I'm dying, but you only being 5 you don't understand. I know that if you're reading this now it's your 18th Birthday, since I asked Uncle Justin to give it to you on your 18th birthday. Happy Birthday Honey! I know I'm not there physically with you but I'm there.
How are you? I've been gone for 13 years now. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I didn't see the drunk driver before he hit me. I'm sorry I wasn't there on your first day of kindergarten. I'm sorry I wasn't there when you graduated High School. I'm sorry for all the times you needed me and I wasn't there to comfort you. To tell you everything was going to be ok. I'm sorry I had to leave you. I'm sorry not even your mom is there with you. I'm sorry that I never got to sing you to sleep one more time. I'm sorry I never got to hug you one more time. I'm sorry I never got to kiss you one more time or tell you that Daddy loves you once more time. I'm just sorry for everything. I just can't say I'm sorry enough.
So I guess if you're reading this you've read my entire journal. I did my best trying to raise you when your mother died. I just wish I could have had one more day with you. I hope you Uncle's have done a good job raising you. I know you're probably just as beautiful now as your mother was.
You have the most beautiful smile. Just like your mother did. It just lights up your whole face and your beautiful blue eyes.
Please don't hate me for not being around anymore.
Sorry that my handwriting is getting worse and worse. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to write. Or even do. I don't know what to write. There's so much I want to write to you, but so little time.
I want you to know that whatever you do for the rest of your life I will always support you 110%. I am your biggest fan.
I'll be with you on your wedding day. I'll be with you on the day you give birth to your first child if you have children. I will be with you through all the hard times. I will be encouraging you to reach your goals and dreams in life. The best advice I can give you is to be strong and stay strong. NEVER give up. You can accomplish anything you put your mind to.
I want you to know that I'm proud of you. I need to stop writing now. It's time for me to go.
Just remember I'll always be watching over you. I'll always be there for you. I'll always love you and so will your mother. Just remember that Daddy loves you. Ok sweetie? I love you more than anything else. I love you baby.
Love Daddy forever and always,
Josh (a.k.a. JC)
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Desiree closed the Journal as she hugged it tightly to her chest and openly sobbed. She sobbed for all the times she needed her Daddy and he wasn't there. For all the times she had wanted to tell him she loved him but he wasn't there. She just sobbed for everything.
She stood up on shaky legs and walked over to her desk as she pulled out an envelope, pen, and piece of paper. Along with a copy of their last family picture and recent picture of her. She began writing with a shaky hand.
An hour and a half later Desiree found herself in front of her fathers grave. She sat down in front of it as she stared at her hands. She let out a shaky breath before she began talking.
"Hey Daddy. It's me Desiree. I hope you can hear me. I just wanted to say that I miss you and I...uh...I read your entire Journal. Um... I can't stay long today because I have to get home. I have an early morning tomorrow and I just wanted to come see you and say hi. I uh... I wrote you a letter. But I have to go for now. I'll be back when I can. I love you Daddy. I love you too." Desiree leaned over and kissed the grave stone before setting her letter down in front of it. She walked away with a heavy heart and sadness in her eyes.
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JC watched his baby girl walk away. He had heard everything she said. He walked over to the letter and opened it up. His eyes filled with tears as he read the words his daughter said.
Daddy,
Hey. I just wanted to write you back. um I don't really know what to say since you'll probably never read this. I miss you Daddy. Not a day goes by when I don't think about you or wish you were here.
You're right when you said I probably didn't understand what you meant when you told me you were dying. I didn't understand. Everyday I would ask for my Daddy. When were you coming home? When would I see you again? Where were you?
But I now understand. You're home, in heaven where you belong. I miss Mommy too. Sometimes I swear I can hear you singing to me.
That day at the hospital you got to sing to me one last time. I still remember the song you sang. It was 'If Only Through Heavens Eyes.' You sang it beautifully Daddy. I also remember every word you said to me that day. You told me you were going to see Mommy, but you'd always be with me. You told me that someday I would see you again. But someday can't come soon enough. I remember the very last words I ever heard you say. They were "I love you Desiree Adrea Chasez. Always remember that Daddy loves you."
You don't have to be sorry for anything. I understand. It wasn't your fault. I know you love me.
My dream is to be an entertainer like you Daddy. My passion in life is singing and entertaining people.
I want to say thank you for all the times you were there for me when you were alive. I never did get to say thank you for everything you did for me.
I have to go now Daddy. But I love you Daddy. I love you more than you'll ever know. I miss you. Someday I'll see you again. I love you.
Love always, your daughter, princess, baby girl, sweetie,
Desiree Adrea Chasez
JC clutched the note to his chest as he wished that for one last time he could sing to his baby girl. That she could see him one more time. Hear him one more time. Hug him one more time.
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Desiree slowly opened her eyes as she felt something brush against her cheek. She sat up her eyes wide with shock. "Daddy?"
JC nodded "Hey sweetie. I can't stay long. I'm only allowed to be here for a few minutes."
"But how? why? I miss you Daddy." Desiree said still in shock.
"I missed you too baby." JC leaned over and gave her a final last hug and kiss on the cheek. " I love you sweetie. I'm going to sing you a final song now. ok?"
Desiree hugged her father back. "ok, I love you too Daddy."
JC sang 'If Only Through Heavens Eyes' to Desiree one last time before he started to fade away. "I love you. I'll see you soon. Don't forget I'll always be watching over you."
"I love you too Daddy. I can't wait to see you again." Desiree said through her tears.
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The next morning Desiree woke up thinking that she had dreamed the whole thing last night. Until she saw a note on her nightstand.
Desiree,
Hey babygirl. No it wasn't a dream last night. I was really here. I miss you. I will be watching over you. I'll always be with you. You're never alone. You mother is in heaven to. She said she loves you. We'll see you soon. I love you princess. You're my baby girl. Never forget that. Here's a song I know you remember.
Love Daddy
I never thought you were a fair-weather friend
You never let me down you're true to the end
For in the darkest hour when all was lost
Somehow you left the light on
You faced the wrong and showed the world a thing or two
Stood up for me for you and you should know
Some say it wasn't worth the things we went through
I say it ain't worth losing you
I hope you know how much you've changed all our lives
Someday you'll see if only through Heaven's eyes
Only through Heaven's Eyes
I still remember things that you said
I keep your words alive, I could never forget
'Cause in the final hour you made me proud
So proud that I could know you told the world
That it's time that they believe in you
You stood for right and truth
And you should know
And so we can't forget
We've got to keep remembering
The ones ... The ones
The ones who took the fall
They did it for us all
And we should learn from it
Stand up if you believe in it
You've got to face the world
Be strong ... Strong
(If Only Through Heavens Eyes: Sung By *NSYNC) E-mail Me
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